Act II: "The Second Miss Wilkinson" Planet Express, int. Everyone looks impressed, except for the nonchalant Bender. FRY (deeply moved): Bender, I... I can't believe you went through all of that to save me. BENDER (slightly embarrassed): Ehh, I mostly went through it just to kick Flexo's ass. So, which of you wetwares is next? Cut to Leela, who steps up. LEELA (a bit unsure): I spent my entire childhood in the Orphanarium, until I was discharged at age eighteen, after which I promptly got drunk and ended up press-ganged into the Cryogenics Center. One by one, I saw the other kids adopted into nice, normal families, but nobody ever wanted me. I want to know... what if I had been adopted? Cut to Professor Farnsworth, who looks like he has problems containing his disgust. FARNSWORTH (loudly): Well, anything to shut her up. He keys something in at a large pad of brightly-coloured keys on the What If Machine. Cue the purple screen. Fade in to: The Cookieville Orphanarium, ext. A frayed banner hanging on the front wall reads "ADOPTION WEDNESDAY". Cut to: Orphanarium lobby, int. Leela, aged approximately fourteen, wearing a sash saying "HEALTHY ONE-EYED FREAK", watches at the point of tears as Adlai (seen in "The Cyber House Rules") happily walks off with a very drab and normal-looking couple. Mr Vogel walks up to her and pats her shoulder vaguely. LEELA (lower lip quivering): Why w-w-won't they choose me... VOGEL: Oh, I'm sure a nice couple will choose you, Leela. (a brief pause) Some day. (another pause) Don't quote me on it. VOICE (male, OS): How about her? She looks almost... Close up of Leela's face as it fills with hope. Cue soppy music. Cut to: Leela's POV. A well-dressed, very nice-looking human couple, in their late thirties, are standing in the doorway, surrounded by sunlight. Cut back as they walk past her, up to Mr Vogel, who checks a clipboard. MAN (businesslike): Wilkinson. VOGEL (continuing to check): What were you looking for, Mr Wilkinson? MAN: General. VOGEL (looking up): Whulp? GEN. WILKINSON: General Valosag Wilkinson of the Democratic Order of Planets. (shows him identification) VOGEL (flustered): So... WOMAN (indicating Leela; warmly): Is it true that nobody has chosen this adorable girl? Leela's eye wells with tears. VOGEL (clearing his throat): Well, as you can see, she has only one eye, ma'am... WOMAN (correcting him kindly): Major. GEN. WILKINSON (a bit sharply): The highest rank of the DOOP Intelligence Service. VOGEL (taken aback): So, you want to adopt Leela? MAJOR WILKINSON (suddenly emotional, but quickly hiding it): Leela... yes. Yes, we do. Mr Vogel hands them a clipboard, which they look over, with growing interest. GEN. WILKINSON: Champion of the year in Arcturan kung-fu. VOGEL (cheerfully): Kids learn fast to fight at the Orphanarium. MAJOR WILKINSON: Reads at an eighth-grade level. VOGEL: Her eye coordination is quite good! The Wilkinsons sign the clipboard. They take the still-disbelieving Leela by one hand each and head for the door. MAJOR WILKINSON (to Leela): Let's get you out to the car. It's a long ride back to the mansion. GEN. WILKINSON: If you want to, you can ride in front. Close up of Leela, her face lighting up. Cut to: Orphanarium, ext. The Wilkinsons usher Leela into a large, classy hovercar. Fade out. Fade in to an imposing mansion, ext., dusk. The car softly brakes to a stop outside. Cut to: Mansion, int. The interior is somewhat austere, but high-class. The Wilkinsons help the sleepy-looking Leela over the threshold, where they are greeted by a fembot maid with a frizzled hairstyle made of copper wires. MAJOR WILKINSON: Cyan, show... Leela to the nursery, and put out some good clothes for her instead of these... (indicates Leela's Orphanarium uniform) these proletarian rags. LEELA (suddenly more energetic): Are you going to burn my old Orphanarium clothes as well? GEN. WILKINSON: We hadn't thought about it, but if you want us to... LEELA (fiercely): Please! GEN. WILKINSON: Fair enough. (to Cyan) And get a fire going in the upstairs fireplace! CYAN (inclining her head; affectionless voice): By your command! MAJOR WILKINSON (to Leela): Do you want anything before going to bed? Sandwiches? Hot cocoa? Slurm? Valium? Sponge cake? LEELA (stifling a yawn): I'm fine, thank you... Mrs Wilkinson. MAJOR WILKINSON (kindly): Call me "Major". CYAN (grabbing Leela by the hand): Walk ahead of me, Miss Wilkinson. I am not good at stairs. Cut to a POV behind the Wilkinsons. Cyan leads Leela towards the large staircase and they proceed slowly up it. General Wilkinson puts an arm around Major Wilkinson's shoulders. GEN. WILKINSON (choking up): I can't believe it, Elet, it's... it's almost like when... (leaning on her) I had forgotten how empty it has been. MAJOR WILKINSON (hugging him back): Don't think about it, Valosag. It's over. We have a child now, and that's all that matters. Fade out. Fade in to the Wilkinsons' mansion, morning. Cut to: Leela's bedroom, extremely tidy and well-furnished, the sun shining through the window. Leela turns over and blinks, then sits up, smiling with joy. She throws off her blanket, showing herself to be wearing a nightdress with a monogrammed L. Cut to: Leela walking over to a chair on which some clothes are hanging. Close up of her laying out the clothes on the bed: knee-socks, a flat cap and a red uniform, again with a monogrammed L. Cut to: Leela, wearing the uniform and her glasses, strolling into the dining room where her new parents are having breakfast. Cut to: Leela sitting down somewhat tentatively in a fretwork-carved chair with a crown on the back and the words "OUR LITTLE PRINCESS" burnt into it. Cyan wheels up to her, putting a massive breakfast plate of sausages, bacon, pancakes, eggs and toasts in front of her, almost hiding her face. LEELA: Oh, wow! Cut to General Wilkinson, looking up from his newspaper. GEN. WILKINSON: Good morning, starlight. Do your clothes fit? LEELA (stroking the sleeve): They're the first things I've worn that actually fit me! And don't smell like something contracted psoriasis in them. Cue faintly ominous music. Close up of General Wilkinson's face as he seems to fight depression. Cut back. The music subsides. GEN. WILKINSON (gesturing vaguely towards the plate): I hope there's enough breakfast for you. A growing girl like you needs her irons and trace substances. MAJOR WILKINSON (filling in): You might want to eat up quick, though. It's almost time for your classes. LEELA (a bit confused): Classes? Oh yes, kung fu... Cut to Major Wilkinson, who is holding a long list and scrutinising it, her glasses on. MAJOR WILKINSON: Actually, kung fu isn't until eleven hundred hours. Before then, you attend cardiovascular training at eight hundred hours... Cut to: Leela, in a mud-stained tracksuit and headband, jogging down a muddy assault course. A sign off to one side says: "Wilkinson Estates assault course, sponsored by Lodo's Mud Providers (est. 2833)." MAJOR WILKINSON (OS): ... fencing at nine hundred hours... Cut to: Leela, in fencing gear, stabbing furiously with a light-epee at something off stage. Zoom out to show that her fencing partner is a woman with a serpent's tail instead of legs, holding a light-epee in each of her six hands. MAJOR WILKINSON (OS): ... and basic military time at one thousand hours. Cut to: A very tired and embarrassed-looking Leela being harangued by a bored-looking teacher, seated at a desk with a large cardboard replica of a digital clock. Fade out. Fade in to a bird's-eye-view of Leela collapsing in the mansion's hallway. Cyan wheels up to her, carrying a tray with a mound of spaghetti. CYAN: Miss Wilkinson, ma'am, your brunch. Close up of Leela, lifting her face from the carpet (some fluff from it is stuck in her forelock), staring into the camera with disbelief. CYAN: Your isometric exercises will commence in twenty-seven minutes. Bon appétit. Fade out. Fade in to Leela, a towel wrapped around her hair, walking through a swimmingpool corridor. She looks at the point of passing out. LEELA (gasping for breath): Over... it's finally over... this day... at an end... SFX: flapping, wet footsteps. A human-size, bipedal lizard wearing swim trunks and a T-shirt saying INSTRUCTOR catches up with her. SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR (querulous): I don't care if you're the great General Wilkinson's daughter, your butterfly stroke is *abominable*. (handing her a bunch of cassette tapes) I *demand* that you listen to these sleep-hypno-tapes for twelve hours! LEELA (complaining): But I'm supposed to go jogging at eight... SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR: Well, you'll just have to choose what's more important! Cut to: Leela stumbling through the upper hallway of the manor. She sees a magazine lying on a chair. LEELA (picking it up): Ooh, "Great Cosmo"! Back in the Orphanarium you could only get those on the black market! Cut to: Leela snuggling into bed, night-light lit, holding the magazine tightly. She starts reading. SFX: tannoy crackle. The night-light starts blinking epileptically. GEN. WILKINSON (OS): Attention! Lights-out at twenty-two hundred hours! LEELA: Gee, OK... She reaches for the switch. GEN. WILKINSON: All reading matters will self-destruct within five seconds! Leela throws the magazine out of the bed. It catches on fire. The light goes out. Only Leela's eye is visible as she creeps under the blanket. LEELA (miserably): A lot of parents probably aren't this harsh! Why couldn't I have stayed at the Orphanarium? I hate this place! There is a faint ray of light over her face. Leela shields her eye with her hand. Cut to: Leela's POV. The door is opened, and the Wilkinsons are outlined against the light. GEN. WILKINSON (softly): Goodnight, Leela. Sleep tight. MAJOR WILKINSON: Sweet dreams, Leela. You know how much we love you. LEELA (sotto voce): General, Major... goodnight. Fade out. Fade in to a gym, int. Caption: THREE YEARS OF ELITE TRAINING LATER. Seventeen-year-old Leela (beginning to fill out, and with less freckles and more acne) is jabbing away at a punchbag. LEELA (fiercely): Poise! Strength! Balance! SFX: door opening, then footsteps. Major Wilkinson, wearing a DOOP dress uniform, walks up to her. MAJOR WILKINSON: Leela? Leela hits the punchbag a few more times, then turns around. LEELA (standing to attention): Yes, Major? MAJOR WILKINSON (warmly): You have nearly doubled your performance in the last few months, so your father and I decided that it was time to give you a special treat... LEELA (flattered): Ooh, what is it? MAJOR WILKINSON: Something every young girl in New New York will envy you! LEELA (suspiciously): A new hairband? MAJOR WILKINSON: A ticket to the DOOP annual officers' ball! Close up of Leela as she stares in disbelief. LEELA: Really? But... I'm not an officer... MAJOR WILKINSON: Not *yet*, perhaps. Our private training and education will ensure you a post on the Academy upon reaching age twenty-two. Your presence will be the light and soul of the officers' ball... *and* you will be home in time for your Holophonor lessons. Cut to: Leela, in a sumptuous gown, walking a bit gracelessly through a magnificent ballroom. Pan to where her parents are talking to another DOOP officer, who is looking in Leela's direction. OFFICER (a bit unsure): She’s your daughter? But I thought... Cut back to Leela, turning her head and not looking where she is going. She bumps into a gangly, pimply boy her age, carrying a tray of snacks which he promptly spills everywhere. LEELA (mortified): Oh, I'm sorry... They both crouch to pick up the snacks (some of which are crawling away from them). The boy looks at her with interest. BOY (shyly; voice breaking now and then): I've been to the officers' balls... many times... and I've never seen you here before. You're not at the Academy? LEELA (blushing a bit): I'm with... (looks up) them. BOY (eyes widening): You're the Wilkinsons' daughter? Major Wilkinson reaches down, grabbing Leela's shoulder and yanking her up. She is heard to complain as they drag her off. The boy stares after her, oblivious of everything else. OFFICER (OS, angrily): Zappy! Hurry up with them pretzels! Cut to: Frontal view of the Wilkinsons' hovercar. Cyan is driving, Leela is sitting stony-faced in the front seat, and the parents are only visible as shadows in the back. MAJOR WILKINSON: Your debut in the higher echelons of the DOOP, and what do you do? You go off to *dilly-dally* with the junior sub-waiter! LEELA (resigned): I wasn't... MAJOR WILKINSON: Your father and I thought we could *trust* you to act like a mature, well-bred young woman and not embarrass us in front of the staff... didn't we, Valosag? GEN. WILKINSON (not very enthusiastic): Yes, we did. Cut to: The car pulling up outside the mansion. Cut to: Mansion, int. Leela is lurching ahead of her parents as Major Wilkinson keeps nagging. MAJOR WILKINSON: ... thought we had raised a proper DOOP soldier and not a... (she draws a deep breath) Can we at least trust you to go to bed within ten minutes? Cut to: Leela, flopping down on a chair next to a sideboard. LEELA (absent-minded): Sure. Close up of the sideboard, under which is a chest. Cue faintly ominous music. Leela's hands grab the chest and pull it out. It has the words "Laura's Hope Chest" burnt into the lid. She opens it. Close up of Leela's face, looking intrigued. Cut back to the chest, in which is a bundle of clothes (the same uniforms as Leela was wearing), a photo, and a trophy. Close up of the photo, which is of General and Major Wilkinson, many years younger, standing in a park. A little girl is riding piggyback on General Wilkinson, making the victory sign. She looks a lot like a young Leela, except that she has two eyes and brown hair. The music gets more dramatic. Close up of to the trophy. The plaque reads: "LAURA J. WILKINSON, JUNIOR NNYC MARTIAL ARTS CHAMPION 2989". Cut to: Close up of Leela, her eye widening in shock. Cut back as she rummages through the chest and picks up a newspaper clipping with a photo of a thirteen-year-old Laura standing on a podium wearing a graduate's robe and hat. The headline is: "LAURA WILKINSON DECLARED SMARTEST KID EVER", and the byline: "PARENTS: 'SMARTEST KID EVER'". Leela puts it back and takes up a rolled-up poster, which she unrolls. It has a black-and-white photo of Laura, aged around fourteen, and the words "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL?" Cut back as Leela hastily puts the things back in the chest, closes it and pushes it back. Fade out. Fade in to the now-adult Leela, doing stretch exercises in her bedroom. It is evening. Caption: ANOTHER FIVE YEARS LATER. A kung-fu outfit is hanging over the side of the bed, and Leela looks happy, if a bit tense. Every now and then, she looks at her watch. SFX: footsteps. GEN. WILKINSON (OS, muffled): Are you decent? LEELA: Sure! The door opens and General Wilkinson in his dress uniform walks inside, looking around. GEN. WILKINSON (slightly disapproving): You're not packed. LEELA: Packed? But I just need my outfit and water bottle... GEN. WILKINSON: What are you talking about? LEELA (a bit exasperated): Gee, I thought you'd remember. The kung-fu championship? Tonight? GEN. WILKINSON (sighing): Oh... I am sure you must have told me. A shame it had to be tonight. Close up of Leela. Cue the beginning of dramatic music. LEELA: What do you mean, a shame? GEN. WILKINSON (slightly reproachfully): Don't *you* remember? (sighing again) Clearly your memory exercises weren't as efficient as we believed. (pausing) Tomorrow is the start of the autumn term. Which means we have to drive you to the DOOP Academy tonight. LEELA (dumbfounded): But... but... that's not possible! I'm entered in the championship! If I don't go, the lists will be all screwed up! General Wilkinson sits down heavily on the bed, crumpling the outfit. (He doesn't seem to notice; Leela does.) GEN. WILKINSON: You should have thought about that before you applied. The Academy will not accept recruits after the registration date, not even a Wilkinson. Close up of Leela, seeming at the point of tears. Cut back as General Wilkinson softens. GEN. WILKINSON (nicer): You should have considered this a long time ago. There is no way you could square full-time sportsmanship with a career as a space captain... LEELA (dryly): And who said I wanted to be a space captain? GEN. WILKINSON (getting up; restraining his anger): Your mother and I, that is who! LEELA (facing him): Did you ever ax *me*? They are now shouting at each other. GEN. WILKINSON: We fed you! We raised you! We spent thousands of dollars on getting you the best training and education available to children in a democracy! LEELA: Well, perhaps you've raised me long enough! In case you haven't noticed, I've been legally adult for years. I don't have to obey you any more. I go where I want to! The music reaches a climax. General Wilkinson draws himself up, smoothing his uniform. GEN. WILKINSON (icily): Then you go where you want to... now. LEELA (still shouting): Fine! I will! GEN. WILKINSON: So do it! Leela rushes out in the hallway, slamming the door behind her. Cut to: Leela running down the garden path in the darkness, sobbing. LEELA (brokenly): I hate them... never want to see them again... can't wait to get out of here... She runs straight into another person. They both fall over backwards, but Leela gets up first. LEELA (kneeling next to the fallen figure): I'm sorry... are you all right? Close up of the person's face as it turns towards her. It is Laura Wilkinson, heavily sunburnt and the same age as Leela. Fade out. Purple screen. Fade in to the Planet Express office. Everyone is staring impatiently at the What If Machine. FRY (dismayed): I was *watching* that! FARNSWORTH: Don't worry, it always does this at moments of extreme emotion. (he whacks the machine with a broomstick) Work, damn you! Purple screen. Cut back to Leela sitting next to Laura, who stirs and sits up. She notices Leela and gives a jolt. LAURA: Who are you? LEELA: I could ax you the same question! LAURA (with some arrogance): *I* am Laura Wilkinson, daughter of General and Major Wilkinson of the Democratic Order of Planets! And who are you, the gardener? LEELA (ignoring her): Why did you run away? Your parents have been... LAURA: I didn't run away! I joined the Alien Legion for a bet... I was feeling impulsive... then I found out that I couldn't leave until I'd served off eight years. Now I have returned to claim my birthright! LEELA (pointing casually over her shoulder): It's over there. Laura gets up and keeps running towards the house. Leela gets up, a bit slower, dusting herself off. LEELA : And a good riddance. She heads for the street, then turns back. Cue soppy music. Cut to: A POV behind Leela's head as she looks towards the brightly lit mansion. She sighs and starts walking towards it. Cut to: Leela's POV, through a window on the hallway. The Wilkinsons and even Cyan are embracing Laura tightly. Cut to: Another window on the hallway. Major Wilkinson and Laura are seated next to the chest. Major Wilkinson takes out the trophy, and Laura breaks down crying on her shoulder. Cut to: A window on the dining hall, as they all sit down to eat what appears to be a fattened calf. Cut to: Leela's face, its dismay hardening into anger. Fade out. Fade in to Laura, in a tracksuit, running the assault course. She looks very happy. Cut to her POV as a wild-eyed and somewhat ragged Leela swings herself down from a branch and lands menacingly in front of her. Unfortunately, she slips on the mud and falls face first in her path. LAURA: Leela? What are you doing here? Leela gets up, with some difficulty. LEELA (determined): You don't have a right to them, Laura. LAURA (drawing herself up): What do you mean? I am the biological daughter of General Wilkinson, not a penniless, orphaned alien *substitute*! LEELA: You deserted them and made them think you were dead! I spent my formative years as their daughter in all but genetics! I have as much of a claim as you do! Cut to: Close up of Laura, pondering this. LAURA: Much as I hate to admit it, you do have a point. (aggressive again) Well, what are you going to do about it? Cut back. Leela squares up. LEELA: I'll fight you for them, if necessary. LAURA (unfazed): Nah, that won't make my parents love you again. One of us needs to prove ourselves more worthy of being a Wilkinson. LEELA (putting the gun back): Some kind of test, then? But we're nearly identical. Only a very wise person could find out who is the worthier. Hmmm... LAURA: You know someone who's wise? LEELA (lighting up): I know someone who's old and arrogant! Cut to: Close up of Master Fnog, standing in the Orphanarium dojo. FNOG (pensively): There *is* an ancient test to determine which of two claimants is worthier, but your weak and oestrogen-ridden bodies will never survive it. The Will of the Warrior, you have *not*. Cut to: Leela and Laura, their annoyance mixed with eagerness. LAURA: Come on! LEELA: If it's ancient, it's good enough for me! Cut back to Fnog. FNOG: Then listen carefully, Leela and Other Leela. (cue dimming lights and dramatic music) High on a snow-bound mountain in an old land, far away in the east, grows a flower known as... the Edelweiss. She of you who brings it to your parents will have proven herself to love them most. Cut to: Laura, staring in disbelief. LAURA: That's *it*? The choice of heir to the Wilkinson line will depend on picking *flowers*? Cut out. FNOG (smoothly): The last of a nearly extinct flower, my young Padawan. LAURA (balling her fists): Of all the degrading, belittling... Zoom out to show Leela opening the door. LEELA: I'm going to buy myself a shovel! Sayonara! Fade out. Fade in to a bird's-eye-view of the Madison Cube Garden, day. Cut to: Madison Cube Garden, int. Leela and Laura, wearing protective clothing (covered in logos) and heavy backpacks, are poised to run, giving each other mean glances now and then. Cut to the bleachers. The only people sitting there are: on one side of the stairs, the Wilkinsons, Cyan, the snake-woman fencing trainer, the lizardman swimming trainer, and two unknown men (one human, one Amphibian) in suits; on the other side, Mr Vogel and Master Fnog. Bender walks past. BENDER: Ladies and fleshwads! Place your bets! Which of the nearly-indistinguishable bimbos is your favourite? Mr Vogel waves a 500-dollar note at him. MR VOGEL: Five hundred bucks say Leela will win! Close up of the note. NIXON: Five hundred bucks say she won't! Cut back to the arena. The alien referee (seen for example in "Raging Bender") walks up. REFEREE: Two young women, both staking a claim to being the only daughter of the prestigious military Wilkinson family, are here to race each other to the mountain in Switzerland where the last surviving Edelweiss grows, in order to pick it and present it to their parents as a token of love. In blue gear, multiple martial arts champion and ex-legionnaire... LAURA JENSINE WILKINSON! The people on Laura's side cheer. Cut back. REFEREE: In red gear, high society debutante, bravely overcoming her handicap... TURANGA LEELA WILKINSON! Cut back to the bleachers. Mr Vogel and Master Fnog cheer. LAURA (OS): That's *my* name, you one-eyed... Cut back. REFEREE: May the best Wilkinson win! He fires his gun. Leela and Laura rush off towards the stadium exit. Cut to: The bleachers. The sections containing the small audience detach themselves and hover into the air, swooping off after them. Fade out. Fade in to an airport, day. Zoom in on one futuristic jet as Leela and Laura run up to it, both trying to push the other off the steps. Laura succeeds. Close up of Leela toppling, her backpack pulling her down on the ground. Cut to: Leela's POV. Laura snidely leans out of the door. LAURA (teasingly): Don't worry, Leela, I'll bring back some souvenir beer steins! Cut back to Leela's face as it fills with despair. TANNOY: Final call! Could Leela Wilkinson please board the plane to Bern! LEELA (calling out): Just a sec! She manages to get up and get on board the plane. Fade out. Fade in to the plane, int. SFX: the motor humming. Leela and Laura are sitting on either side of the aisle, exchanging mean looks. Laura briefly looks away to open her can of Slurm, and Leela slaps her shoulder. LAURA: HEY! Leela hit me! LEELA: I just saw this big ugly bug and tried to swat it. (looks closely at Laura) And there it is again. MAJOR WILKINSON (sternly): Both of you, stop acting like you're five years old! Cut to: The bleacher, hovering a bit above the seats. (The plane is very roomy.) The lizardman apologetically pokes a stewardess with his webbed foot. LIZARDMAN: Excuse me, could we have six Slurm and one large brandy? MR VOGEL: Make that two large brandies. Fade out. Fade in to a sheer cliff face. SFX: keening winds. Leela, gritting her teeth, is working her way up with a rope and pickaxe. She reaches the top, crawls up the edge and collapses. LEELA (gasping for air): The Wilkinsons' training paid off, after all! Her eye widens. Cut to: Leela's POV of the plateau, bare except for the one Edelweiss growing in the middle. Laura is standing bent over it, one hand stretched out. Cut back. LEELA (resigned): You win. Just pick the flower already! Cut to: Laura, straightening up. LAURA: No. LEELA (incredulous): "No"? What do you mean, "no"? Curse your head-games! Zoom in on Laura. Cue soppy music. LAURA (simply): I can't bring myself to uproot it. It is the last of its kind, Leela! Something so perfect, so alone... Cut to: Close up of Leela. A tear forms in her eye. Cut back. LAURA (cont'd): ... like a star, lost on this Earth. I won't kill it, even though my parents' love depends on it. LEELA (wiping her eye): You are a noble woman. (makes a break for the flower) Yoink... Laura's kick hits her shoulder, bowling her over. Leela struggles to get up, coughing. Laura's shadow falls over her. LAURA: And no, I won't let *you* have it, either! Leela grabs her leg and wrestles her to the ground, then stands up. A hand-to-hand battle begins. The two fighters are very well matched. Eventually, Laura gets an advantage and forces Leela to her knees, then face-first onto the ground. She twists both her arms behind her back. LAURA: There won't be a winner today, but at least you're the worst *loser*! Close up of Leela's face, chin against the ground. The flower is right in front of her nose. LAURA: Well, what do you say to that? Cue triumphant music. Leela opens her mouth wide and clamps down on the Edelweiss. LEELA (indistinctly, mouth full): Let go of me, or I'll *swallow*! Zoom out. Laura very carefully lets go of Leela and stands back. Leela's eye swivels to watch her. LEELA: Stand back. (Laura takes a step back) Keep going. LAURA: Why should I? You're going to pick it anyway. LEELA (grim): If I eat it, neither of us will get it. If you back away, we can negotiate. LAURA (outraged): Never! No Wilkinson would ever stoop so low! Pay for it with your blood! LEELA (shifting the flower to the side of her mouth): I *said* negotiate. What did *you* hear? LAURA (embarrassed): I... never mind. LEELA: Gee. Anyway, keep backing. Laura backs off the edge of the screen. LAURA: Is this far en... AAAAAGH! Cue dramatic music. Leela gets to her feet (leaving the Edelweiss unharmed) and runs to the edge of the plateau, leaning forward. Cut to: Laura, hanging by one hand from a sapling growing out of the cliff side. LAURA (straining): Where did those hover-bleachers go, anyway? LEELA (OS): Are you all right? I'll pull you up! Her hand reaches down. Laura tries to grab it, but can't quite reach. Cut to: Leela, sitting on the edge of the plateau. LEELA: Hold on! I've got my pickaxe... (she accidentally knocks it over the edge with her foot) Oh. Cut back to Laura. The sapling is beginning to give way. She closes her eyes. LEELA: Grab it! She lowers the Edelweiss to Laura, who grabs it. Amazingly, it holds her weight. Leela makes a straining noise. LAURA (snappy): What's keeping you? LEELA: I haven't got enough purchase... too heavy... Cut to Leela, struggling to keep herself from going over the side. Her free hand rummages in her backpack and gets out a horn. She sets it to her lips. Cut to: A beer garden where a traditionally-dressed Swiss waitress is serving beer to the audience on the two bleachers. SFX: a horn sounding. VOGEL: Leela's signal! The bleachers take off towards the mountains in the background, taking the waitress along. Fade out. Fade in to the plateau. General Wilkinson is helping the faint-looking Leela pull Laura up, as the others watch. He and his wife then turn to face her. GEN. WILKINSON (solemnly): You could have let our daughter fall to a horrible death, and no-one would ever have known. LEELA (dazed): Good? GEN. WILKINSON (cont'd): But instead, you risked your life to save a woman whom you had no cause to love. For that, you have the undying gratitude of the Wilkinson family. MAJOR WILKINSON: Perhaps a monetary compensation will be in order. LEELa (in shock): Wait... what? The parents walk over to fawn over Laura, wrapped in a blanket and still clutching the flower. She looks tired, yet happy. GEN. WILKINSON (looking back at Leela; sternly): I am truly sorry, Leela, but Laura is our biological daughter. You could never take her place, regardless of your undoubted courage demonstrated... LEELA (disbelieving): But, this can't be right! I saved her, all sportsmanlike! MAJOR WILKINSON: Don't stress it. Besides, Laura has the Edelweiss. Cut to Master Fnog on the bleacher. FNOG (with schadenfreude): Let that be a lesson, Leela. You cannot win, not even against a fellow female! Cut back. LEELA: Oh for crying out loud! MAJOR WILKINSON (hugging Laura): It's time to go home, honey. Your father and I have years of parental pride to catch up on. MAN (OS): I don't think so. Cut to the bleacher where the unknown man and Amphibian stand up. They step down onto the plateau. MAN: I am General Marivaud of the Alien Legion, and this is my aide-de-camp, Drok. (they show identification) Legionnaire Laura Wilkinson is to face court-martial as a deserter. Cue dramatic music. MAJOR WILKINSON: Laura? No, it's not true! General Wilkinson steps in front of Laura. GEN. WILKINSON: You'll take her over our dead bodies! LAURA (quietly): No, General. (to her father) That's you. I'm going with them. MARIVAUD: A wise decision, Legionnaire. (with grudging respect) You have a good record. Chances are you'll be out after four or five years. Laura turns back to her parents. LAURA (choking back her tears): Wait for me. MAJOR WILKINSON: Laura... whatever you do, you'll always be our daughter. We'll keep your room in order until you come back. Leela facepalms. Drok claps Laura in irons, as General Marivaud watches stonily. MARIVAUD (to no-one in particular): Times like this, I hate my job. (pauses) Not enough to waive the rules, but still. Cut to the waitress, waving a beer bottle. WAITRESS (with a slightly hysterical edge to her voice): So, anyone for a mug of Kleineken? Fade out. Fade in to Leela, in a state of deep inebriation, staggering through the streets of Bern, beer stein in hand. LEELA (singing indistinctly): Ach, du lieber Augustin/ Alles ist weg, weg, weg!/ Ach, du lieber Augustin/ Trink aus dein Wein! She walks past a building with a sign saying "KRYOGENISCHE KÖRPFERBEWAHRUNG", and leans against the door to take a swig from the stein. The door opens and someone yanks Leela inside. She lets out a yelp. Cue the regular "Anthology of Interest" intermission screen. VOICE: Wir fortsetzen mit mehren (as the words appear on the screen) INTERESSANTEN ERZÄHLUNGEN!