Yeah, that last line is what I was thinking about regarding the defibrillator. Sorry 'bout that. I can see the reasoning behind it (a sort of artificial slowing down the tempo at this critical moment), but I don't think the reader needs a long description of how a gun works at this juncture. Yeah, ...

Kyle is most definately brainwashed as are all the SRT's, not just the regular kind of military indoctrination either, think 'Boure Identity'. They are also partially augmented, but I'm going into the SRT's in more detail in chapter 7. The non-SRT guards (like Andrew and Sam) are just regular soldie...

You're working your way through the chapter so quickly :D thanks for the swift response. Yeah, I'm Australian so I have the tendancy to use the word 'bloody' alot. I'll try to keep that in mind. And I use waaay to manny dashes - even when I'm not writing fiction. I didn't want her to come off as 'a ...

Thanks so much for continuting your critique! :) And wow, I really do need to work on punctuating dialouge, I'm supprised the grammer checker doesn't pick that up. Really the part of this chapter I'm not sure about is the pacing - you may notice it moves awfully fast as it goes on. It probably shoul...

Probably no-one's interested anymore, but I've written chapter 6 now. It's attached.Hopefully doesn't suck too much.

Well you might be waiting quite a while.

Yeah, I don't watch the Venture Brothers, so that's probably why

Hmm, I wonder whether one of the other 46 people who downloaded my story will comment?

It's a pic from chapter 7 :) If you do read the unfinished version, keep in mind that I will probably add in about 10 extra scenes not included in the outline (even though it's not a good idea as it will bloat the chapter) - one or two of them may involove Sam (Andrew's partner). Completely off topi...

Mmm, I was trying to get everyone to feel for Andrew, but now that I read over it the charactorisation is a bit rushed (maybe it needs to be split over more chapters... hmm). I thought you would like those last scenes (given your dislike of the cliche :) ) The cardiac surgury - to tell you the truth...

yeah, to be honest the last chapter was a bit of a hack job - I got sick of the story, but I didn't want to leave it unfinished, so I cobbled that together in a few hours. I was of the impression that I *did* bring things back to the status quo. Lisa's 'eliteist' attitude is pretty much the way I fe...

30ms is actually 30 milli-seconds. I'll respond further once you finish the chapter. ;) And I agree, parts of chapter 5 are rushed - it was extremely long (compared to other things I have written) and took a long time to write. Chapter five is probably the chapter that could probably use the most wo...

Yep you got 'em all

But you don't have to worry - it's not going to turn into one of those quadruple crossover stories

Well I'm not trying to say that that sort of thing happens all the time - but I think of concivably happen - it would be extremely unlucky.

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond, I just had my first day back at uni and it was a bit hectic. Thanks for the compliments about chapter 3 - technical descriptions I can definitely do (it's half of what I do a uni) :) Yeah, I don't think John is *too* evil, I tried my best to make sure *all* of...

Don't worry, I think that is the last time I mention the patriot act. I was aware that it was getting a bit repetitive at that stage, but that line just wrote itself. The paragraphs about her family - well they were hard. I wanted to say something more than just 'she missed her family' or 'she wante...