POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

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Vulgaris_Prime
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POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by Vulgaris_Prime » Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:26 pm

I'll say this now: I'm no poet. I did, though, have a flash of inspiration Friday night that led to the following. If this thread is improperly placed, please move it - I was unsure of its placement.

This is my own take on Lisa's rather dour outlook on herself.

"The Girl in the Mirror"
Who is this girl I see in the mirror?
What horror is in my reflection here?
Who is this girl who consumes without pity,
only to cry in remorse for her sin?
What abomination calls herself pretty,
blind of the hell she keeps me in?
I look in the glass, fearing what I see;
how can this hideous girl be me?

Terrible? Probably. But I'd like to know your thoughts, when you have time.
I may also add to this later on.
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Dagdamor

Re:POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by Dagdamor » Tue Feb 08, 2005 4:16 am

Oh, it's not terrible. It definitely isn't! Actually, it's very nice.
I only wish I knew what had happened to her so she treats herself like this... *sniff*
(*looks again at his avatar text to reassure himself*)
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Re:POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by Vulgaris_Prime » Thu Feb 10, 2005 5:22 pm

I said I was going to finish this... so I did!
Sure, the next two parts aren't as good as the first, but effort is worth something, right?

"The Girl in the Mirror"
Who is this girl I see in the mirror?
What horror is in my reflection here?
Who is this girl who consumes without pity,
only to cry in remorse for her sin?
What abomination calls herself pretty,
blind of the hell she keeps me in?
I look in the glass, fearing what I see;
how can this hideous girl be me?

Who is this girl I see in the mirror?
How ugly is my reflection here?
Who is this girl who lives without love,
chosen by fate to live life alone?
What destiny written in the stars above
keeps me from having someone of my own?
I look in the glass, hating what I see;
how can this loveless girl be me?

Who is this angel they see in my mirror?
What beauty is in my picture here?
Who is this girl who seems so pretty
to those who use her to fill their world's hole?
What perception of me praises without pity,
overlooking the self-hatred deep in my soul?
I look at the picture, in awe of what I see;
I wish this beautiful girl were me...

Okay, now that you're sufficiently disappointed in me, I'll slink off now. If I can make it better, though, let me know. My ears are always open.
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Re:POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by Horrorhead » Thu Feb 10, 2005 8:47 pm

I like it. It's well-written though there are a few flaws.

This could be good as a song lyric, too. A perfect example for a whiny goth-girl (no offense) :) It would make a neat song with the fitting music.
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Re:POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by Marco » Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:06 pm

OH NOES! AAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
*wears chirurgical mask and beret*
I need 5cc of colored candybars, 10 ounces of parental love and picnics in the park, 4 fuzzy kittens and for the love of God, someone paint those damned black courtains, STAT!


Sorry for the joke ;) I have this thing against (gratuitious) teen angst, you see. I admit Lisa is the best character when it comes to angst-delivery, even if i guess this might be a bit too much for her. Although i like the slightly.. critic? undertone towards the Lisa fanatic-dom out here. *looks sideways* or did i just made it up?

It really reads like it could be a song. The only suggestion i can come up is, to pay more attention to the syllabes of each line. Some have too many, while some have too few: they go off the "time" each line has to stay in the flow of te whole poem. But i guess it's noticeable only in the last verse, and i'm probably explaining this horribly. I'm not even a writer so i might just have said bs.

But in the end, i liked it very much. This stuff can hit the spot when done right, and this is surely done right.
Last edited by Marco on Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re:POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by c_nordlander » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:31 pm

Very good poem, though I agree with Marco: you need to think more about scansion (unless you're actually Gerard Manley Hopkins, in which case, just forget what I just said. Also, "The Wreck of the Deutschland" R0XX0RZ!) Still, even the halting lines convey a certain emotional effect, as do the formal repetitions of words. Very nice indeed.

I must say, though, it doesn't sound very much like Lisa, who is usually sounder than this, even in her depressive moments. Maybe in a few years' time. I'm no fan of teen-angst (or pre-teen angst, for that matter) either, mind you, but this is good.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re:POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by Vulgaris_Prime » Fri Feb 18, 2005 3:44 pm

Responding in turn to each response:
Horrorhead: Thanks for both comments. As for the song thing... I'll get back to everyone on that. I'm no musician.
Marco: Nice reaction! I'm remembering that. The undertone in the third stanza is mostly reverent of the Lisa fans, though one who could see herself that way would wonder how anyone else can see that in her. (Confusion, anyone?)
And yes, the syllables do have a way of tripping me up.
Immaterial: Yes, the scansion has problems (and no, I'm not Gerard Manley Hopkins... though that would work better if I knew who that was!). No, it doesn't sound like Lisa in her usual stoic way... but even the most even-handed people get a little ruffled at a low point. As for the "in a few years" thing... thanks for the idea!

I can't express what having this much feedback means to me. I've got a lot of time on my hands, so it's time to tweak this thing to run perfectly. Maybe.
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Re:POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by Ekko » Fri Feb 18, 2005 8:59 pm

Hmmmm, that reads as like a Goth poem. Personally, I'm getting sick of people putting Lisa in sad, depressing scenarios and wish somebody would liven up her attitude. Like, I dunno', write a poem about her enjoying her youth or drawing a picture of her reflected innocence. If that doesn't take your fancy, then put her in a scene that's never been done or practiced before. The moral here is to be original, no more then that. So how does that sound? Does it make me look like a Conformist?
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Re: POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by kevo111 » Fri Apr 22, 2005 3:29 am

If I would rate this out of 10 it would be 5 and a half
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Re: POEM: "The Girl in the Mirror"

Post by SirMustapha » Sun Apr 24, 2005 3:01 pm

Well, I wouldn't rate it that low, but it does sound like Lisa has had "Unknown Pleasures" playing on repeat on her CD player for weeks, if you understand me. I doesn't really bring Lisa to my mind, but I like the way it's written.
"Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo this is what salvation must be like after a while
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles"

-- Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"
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