My First Off Topic fic

We aren't limited to fanfic. Any writing that doesn't fit elsewhere can go here. Feel free to post poetry, stories, articles, ideas and any other fiction or non-fiction you wish.
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EvilCupcake
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My First Off Topic fic

Post by EvilCupcake » Thu Feb 10, 2005 11:05 am

Enjoy. ;D
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c_nordlander
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Re:My First Off Topic fic

Post by c_nordlander » Thu Feb 10, 2005 8:00 pm

EDIT: I'll read this... sometime soon. University permitting.
Last edited by Anonymous on Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
c_nordlander
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Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
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Re:My First Off Topic fic

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Feb 19, 2005 11:03 am

Looks interesting so far. The simple, journal-like format works for me, and I rather like the narrator's voice. I like the names.

Spelling nitpicks: it's "android", "touchy", "whiner", "directly", "promenade", "cheese" (OK, so that's probably a typo), "their", "about", "orbiting" (again, probably a typo), "drown", "civilians". Still, your spelling is picking up.

You don't need a comma after "Tol's Dad". In fact, there are some commas where they shouldn't be, and no commas where they should be.

It's Liza Minelli. Also, they still have Starbucks and Burger King almost 300 years hence? (And it's Budweiser.)

Quite a few funny lines in here.

Now for my overall comments: some spelling mistakes aside, this is pretty well written, but the story is too short to really grab my attention. After what seems to be the turning-point of the narrative (the tanks exploding), I would expect the bulk of the story as our heroes make crazy plans to keep moving in the race, scrape for money and plead with the authorities. Instead, there's only a few more paragraphs of text, and then it ends. I guess that makes sense, regarded as a journal, but a bit more dramatic movement wouldn't hurt.

Also, apart from Ben the narrator, I got very little feel for the characters. Just about the only thing I learnt about them is that Tol's father is an ambassador. I know that the journal format is a bit restrictive as regards characterisation, because Ben wouldn't report dialogue (which is the primary tool of characterisation, in my opinion), but including a bit more of the crew's different reactions to things would help.

Also, a minor point, but it seemed to me like the background of the story is a bit too dependent on science fiction genre conventions, without anything really original in the world-building. Again, the format is slightly inimical to originality: after all, Ben can't be expected to go into long explanations of things which would be everyday life for his readers.

I hope this criticism doesn't sound too harsh. It's a nice enough premise, and the story made me smile a few times.

To sum up: a bit short and inconsequential, but not bad for a first original story. I'd suggest for you to keep writing.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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