"The Sue Machine" - Non-OFF fanfic.
- SirMustapha
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"The Sue Machine" - Non-OFF fanfic.
I've been planning this thing for quite some time. Originally, the idea would be applied with another fandom, but I finally settled with this. The show is a British children's programme called "Little Robots". I'm not positively sure if it airs on the US, but if it doesn't, it will some time. "Little Robots" uses the stop-motion animation, and it focuses on eleven robots that build a world in a junkyard. They all act and speak like humans (no German men with Vocoders, that is), and they all have very defined personalities and functions. Tiny is responsible for switching the Day/Night lever, which makes the sky rotate 180° to switch from day to night, and Stretchy takes care of the junkyard and everything that comes down from the chute (normally more junk).
The story begins like a stereotypical Mary Sue story would begin: a robot (pompously called Shiny) "falls" on their world through the chute. She's perfect and beautiful, does everything better than everyone else, etc. Problem is, since she is the first Mary Sue to arrive in their world, it isn't easy to corrupt and destroy the other robots' personalities the way she desires. She doesn't like anyone except for Sporty, the fittest and most good-looking robot. Rusty (my avatar, btw), however, already has a slight crush on him, which means Shiny will have to do something about it.
Notice that it's a quite violent and depressing fic for a kids' show. I did this just imagining how a fandom becomes defiled by a Mary Sue, if the fandoms were "real". Notice that this is the very first version, so any opinions, comments and nit-picking are very welcome. Point out the linguistic mistakes, typos, inconsistencies, and tell me if the story is worth reading after all. Thank you!
(PS: and by the way, yes, I swear I came up with this title before Horrorhead posted his "The Simp Machine" picture. I guess we have similar influences, after all. "The Man Machine" is an album by Kraftwerk, and the first track in it is "The Robots", so...)
The story begins like a stereotypical Mary Sue story would begin: a robot (pompously called Shiny) "falls" on their world through the chute. She's perfect and beautiful, does everything better than everyone else, etc. Problem is, since she is the first Mary Sue to arrive in their world, it isn't easy to corrupt and destroy the other robots' personalities the way she desires. She doesn't like anyone except for Sporty, the fittest and most good-looking robot. Rusty (my avatar, btw), however, already has a slight crush on him, which means Shiny will have to do something about it.
Notice that it's a quite violent and depressing fic for a kids' show. I did this just imagining how a fandom becomes defiled by a Mary Sue, if the fandoms were "real". Notice that this is the very first version, so any opinions, comments and nit-picking are very welcome. Point out the linguistic mistakes, typos, inconsistencies, and tell me if the story is worth reading after all. Thank you!
(PS: and by the way, yes, I swear I came up with this title before Horrorhead posted his "The Simp Machine" picture. I guess we have similar influences, after all. "The Man Machine" is an album by Kraftwerk, and the first track in it is "The Robots", so...)
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"I know that the bourgeoisie stinks, but it has money to buy perfume."
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Re: "The Sue Machine" - Non-OFF fanfic.
Firstly, while I've never watched Little Robots, it sounds like a good show, and this is certainly a fascinating idea. Let's see how it works out... warning, nitpicking ahead.
Very sweet opening. I like Tiny's thoughts.
The description of day returning is great, somehow. It's like a dream I almost remember having.
I really like the prose style you have here. It's very simple and children's-book like, yet obviously polished. No complaints there.
Lovely dialogue between Tiny, Stretchy and Rusty. (Or is that "trialogue"?)
I like the bit where they find the robot parts.
Also love the description of the finished robot.
I love Shiny's first words and the whole description surrounding them. Excellently sugary, yet ever so slightly sinister.
I'm not quite sure about "Tiny was the first to take an initiative". It sounds too much the sentence a few paragraphs above. Maybe you should change it.
More great dialogue.
Ah, Shiny is beginning to show her true Mary Sue face...
I can't help but feel that Shiny's house needs a bit more description (particularly for us non-fans who don't know what the robots' houses look like).
More very nice dialogue. I'm starting to like Rusty.
*LOL* @ Shiny's singing. Ah, where would the Mary Sue be without the song lyrics... love what you do with the font size. Poor Noisy.
The following dialogue (to the final bit between the Sparky twins) is hilarious.
I'm really starting to dislike Shiny. Which means you're doing something right. Particularly her trying to pull the lever.
Typo: should be "basket", not "basked".
Shiny uses the word "place" thrice in her next sentence. Maybe you should remove one. (PS. I am not a crackpot.)
Shiny is really corrupting Sporty, isn't she? I love the way you've written this. Poor Sporty.
Gah! I hate Shiny for the way she's behaving to Rusty. Far too realistic and... gnaah! It might be just a bit clichéd, but I don't know how to improve it. It's pretty darn well-written.
Very sad, what follows. I like Spotty comforting Tiny.
Yay, Stripy told her off! I quite like Stripy.
Eeek! You put yourself in this story!
Ooh, dramatic stuff (and quite accurate, to my knowledge). I like it. It's possible that the robots don't seem to react a lot to the fact that they're apparently in a story. Then again, it works well.
Very lovely ending. No complaints of any kind.
So... I've been nitpicking a lot, trying to make a good story even better (probably not succeeding), but this is great. I love it. As I said, I've never seen the show, but all personalities come across quite well, and Shiny is wondrously hateable. The prose, as I said, is lovely, and there's a lot of brilliant dialogue.
Everyone, read it!
Very sweet opening. I like Tiny's thoughts.
Unless I'm incorrect, you mean either "nothing was threatening to fall from the sky" or "the sky wasn't threatening to collapse". "Collapse" rather implies something big (like a sky) falling in on itself.nothing was threatening to collapse from the sky
The description of day returning is great, somehow. It's like a dream I almost remember having.
I really like the prose style you have here. It's very simple and children's-book like, yet obviously polished. No complaints there.
Incomplete sentence, unless of course you intend for it to be. (If so, it should probably follow on the same line as the previous descriptions.) Otherwise it should be "minded".Everybody minding his own business, and that’s how the day truly got started.
A bit of a strange expression. "Tiny had just cleaned up" or "tidied up", maybe, perhaps even "had a clean-up".Tiny had just made a clean-up in his house
Should be "on her xylophone". Other than that, there's no grammar trouble, but I find the sentence a bit long. Maybe split it to: "The sounds of Noisy playing some tunes in her xylophone invaded the air just as Tiny started walking. As he arrived at the junkyard, he met Stretchy, diligently sorting a pile of junk." Also, I tend to dislike slightly uninteresting bits like "just as Tiny started walking". Don't know whether it should be changed, though. (No, I'm not being helpful.)The sounds of Noisy playing some tunes in her xylophone invaded the air just as Tiny started walking, and as he arrived at the junkyard, he met Stretchy, diligently sorting a pile of junk.
If you want me to be really nitpicky, I don't think the "he said" is necessary.“Not right now. I just thought I’d stop by to see how everything is going,” he said.
Sounds a bit waffly. Perhaps compress to "a feminine voice, which they recognised as Rusty's". You probably don't need to tell us that she arrived.“Hello, Stretchy! Hello, Tiny!” said a familiar feminine voice. Both of them recognised it as Rusty’s voice as she arrived.
Doesn't need the comma after "again".“Hello, Rusty,” Stretchy said, again, without stopping his work.
Lovely dialogue between Tiny, Stretchy and Rusty. (Or is that "trialogue"?)
I love it!a loud, scandalous sound
"in there" is redundant.It caught the attention of the three robots in there.
I like the bit where they find the robot parts.
Not really idiomatic. "Well, what could go wrong?" would be better, or "what could happen?"“Well, what could go wrong about it?”
Also love the description of the finished robot.
Typo: should be "looked". The following bit is great.It look down at its body,
I don't think "entire" is necessary. Though I'm not sure, it might add something.the shiny metal that covered its entire body...
I love Shiny's first words and the whole description surrounding them. Excellently sugary, yet ever so slightly sinister.
I'm not quite sure about "Tiny was the first to take an initiative". It sounds too much the sentence a few paragraphs above. Maybe you should change it.
More great dialogue.
I think "tone" instead of "voice" would be more appropriate.with a voice of almost disgust.
I don't know about this. I know what you're trying to say, but "not quite sure to go ahead and talk" sounds like some words have dropped out.but were not quite sure to go ahead and talk to her.
The "was in disbelief" bit seems needlessly wordy to me. Maybe "Stretchy couldn't believe" etc.Stretchy definitely was in disbelief that she was expecting him to find junk for her,
Ah, Shiny is beginning to show her true Mary Sue face...
I can't help but feel that Shiny's house needs a bit more description (particularly for us non-fans who don't know what the robots' houses look like).
More very nice dialogue. I'm starting to like Rusty.
Excellent!“That’s a question of talent, you know... you either have it, or you don’t,” she explained. Sporty noticed how she seemed to point with her hands at her and at Rusty, respectively, as she said that. It didn’t sound very nice to him.
*LOL* @ Shiny's singing. Ah, where would the Mary Sue be without the song lyrics... love what you do with the font size. Poor Noisy.
A bit of telling instead of showing, I think.The twins were really surprised: that was some really loud, strong, noisy singing, and much probably, louder than any song Noisy ever sang. And then, they saw how disappointed Noisy was, but they really didn’t want to upset her.
Some language problems here. "If it's any consolation" sounds better. It should also be "prefer your noise to hers".“But if it works as a consolation,” Sparky One added, “I far prefer your noise than hers.”
The following dialogue (to the final bit between the Sparky twins) is hilarious.
Great description, but make up your mind whether the dog is a "he" or an "it".It barked and sniffed and whipped his tail left and right,
I'm really starting to dislike Shiny. Which means you're doing something right. Particularly her trying to pull the lever.
Love it.“Hello, Sporty!” she said, with an exaggeratedly delicate voice.
Typo: should be "basket", not "basked".
Shiny uses the word "place" thrice in her next sentence. Maybe you should remove one. (PS. I am not a crackpot.)
Shiny is really corrupting Sporty, isn't she? I love the way you've written this. Poor Sporty.
Gah! I hate Shiny for the way she's behaving to Rusty. Far too realistic and... gnaah! It might be just a bit clichéd, but I don't know how to improve it. It's pretty darn well-written.
Very sad, what follows. I like Spotty comforting Tiny.
Excellently nasty.Shiny came out of her house humming a merry little tune,
Yay, Stripy told her off! I quite like Stripy.
"She", not "her", and "worried", not "worry".How dare her! She’s so worry
Eeek! You put yourself in this story!
Ooh, dramatic stuff (and quite accurate, to my knowledge). I like it. It's possible that the robots don't seem to react a lot to the fact that they're apparently in a story. Then again, it works well.
Very lovely ending. No complaints of any kind.
So... I've been nitpicking a lot, trying to make a good story even better (probably not succeeding), but this is great. I love it. As I said, I've never seen the show, but all personalities come across quite well, and Shiny is wondrously hateable. The prose, as I said, is lovely, and there's a lot of brilliant dialogue.
Everyone, read it!
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
- SirMustapha
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Re: "The Sue Machine" - Non-OFF fanfic.
Well, I must say I didn't expect such a positive comment. Thanks a lot! I'm glad that it wasn't too confusing getting familiar with the characters and with the environment, apparently. I thought I'd need to make a little introduction to them, but if it's not necessary, even better.
All the corrections and nitpicking is welcome, as always! At least the story seems to be solid, with little questionable bits. The big dramatic climax in the middle looks a little cheesy, on second look, but I'm unsure if it makes Shiny sound the way she sound (i.e. lame Mary Sue) or if the writing itself is cheesy. I'll see that again. The "self-insertion", well, it does look a little ironic, being in a story that's a stab at Mary Sues, doesn't it? But I thought it would be funny to make the resolution of the story through an obvious plot-device, so I hope it worked. Good call on Shiny's house, btw. It might have been a bit of a rush job on my part, to skip completely the description of her house. All the other robots have simple houses, like a radiator, an old bucket, a pair of speakers on a turntable, so it's necessary to notice how Shiny's house looks monstrous and overly sophisticated in comparison.
I can only thank you for the motivation, and work on the revision. This is a really unique piece on my "career", and I'm glad it turned out well.
All the corrections and nitpicking is welcome, as always! At least the story seems to be solid, with little questionable bits. The big dramatic climax in the middle looks a little cheesy, on second look, but I'm unsure if it makes Shiny sound the way she sound (i.e. lame Mary Sue) or if the writing itself is cheesy. I'll see that again. The "self-insertion", well, it does look a little ironic, being in a story that's a stab at Mary Sues, doesn't it? But I thought it would be funny to make the resolution of the story through an obvious plot-device, so I hope it worked. Good call on Shiny's house, btw. It might have been a bit of a rush job on my part, to skip completely the description of her house. All the other robots have simple houses, like a radiator, an old bucket, a pair of speakers on a turntable, so it's necessary to notice how Shiny's house looks monstrous and overly sophisticated in comparison.
I can only thank you for the motivation, and work on the revision. This is a really unique piece on my "career", and I'm glad it turned out well.
"I know that the bourgeoisie stinks, but it has money to buy perfume."
-- Falcão
-- Falcão
- SirMustapha
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The long-awaited finished "The Sue Machine"!
Pff.
Oh, well, here it is. There isn't anything terribly new to the story, but many points have been fixed and tweaked. I hope it's a significant improvement!
Oh, well, here it is. There isn't anything terribly new to the story, but many points have been fixed and tweaked. I hope it's a significant improvement!
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"I know that the bourgeoisie stinks, but it has money to buy perfume."
-- Falcão
-- Falcão