Firstly, while I've never watched Little Robots, it sounds like a good show, and this is certainly a fascinating idea. Let's see how it works out... warning, nitpicking ahead.
Very sweet opening. I like Tiny's thoughts.
nothing was threatening to collapse from the sky
Unless I'm incorrect, you mean either "nothing was threatening to fall from the sky" or "the sky wasn't threatening to collapse". "Collapse" rather implies something big (like a sky) falling in on itself.
The description of day returning is great, somehow. It's like a dream I almost remember having.
I really like the prose style you have here. It's very simple and children's-book like, yet obviously polished. No complaints there.
Everybody minding his own business, and that’s how the day truly got started.
Incomplete sentence, unless of course you intend for it to be. (If so, it should probably follow on the same line as the previous descriptions.) Otherwise it should be "minded".
Tiny had just made a clean-up in his house
A bit of a strange expression. "Tiny had just cleaned up" or "tidied up", maybe, perhaps even "had a clean-up".
The sounds of Noisy playing some tunes in her xylophone invaded the air just as Tiny started walking, and as he arrived at the junkyard, he met Stretchy, diligently sorting a pile of junk.
Should be "on her xylophone". Other than that, there's no grammar trouble, but I find the sentence a bit long. Maybe split it to: "The sounds of Noisy playing some tunes in her xylophone invaded the air just as Tiny started walking. As he arrived at the junkyard, he met Stretchy, diligently sorting a pile of junk." Also, I tend to dislike slightly uninteresting bits like "just as Tiny started walking". Don't know whether it should be changed, though. (No, I'm not being helpful.)
“Not right now. I just thought I’d stop by to see how everything is going,” he said.
If you want me to be really nitpicky, I don't think the "he said" is necessary.
“Hello, Stretchy! Hello, Tiny!” said a familiar feminine voice. Both of them recognised it as Rusty’s voice as she arrived.
Sounds a bit waffly. Perhaps compress to "a feminine voice, which they recognised as Rusty's". You probably don't need to tell us that she arrived.
“Hello, Rusty,” Stretchy said, again, without stopping his work.
Doesn't need the comma after "again".
Lovely dialogue between Tiny, Stretchy and Rusty. (Or is that "trialogue"?)
a loud, scandalous sound
I love it!
It caught the attention of the three robots in there.
"in there" is redundant.
I like the bit where they find the robot parts.
“Well, what could go wrong about it?”
Not really idiomatic. "Well, what could go wrong?" would be better, or "what could happen?"
Also love the description of the finished robot.
It look down at its body,
Typo: should be "looked". The following bit is great.
the shiny metal that covered its entire body...
I don't think "entire" is necessary. Though I'm not sure, it might add something.
I love Shiny's first words and the whole description surrounding them. Excellently sugary, yet ever so slightly sinister.
I'm not quite sure about "Tiny was the first to take an initiative". It sounds too much the sentence a few paragraphs above. Maybe you should change it.
More great dialogue.
with a voice of almost disgust.
I think "tone" instead of "voice" would be more appropriate.
but were not quite sure to go ahead and talk to her.
I don't know about this. I know what you're trying to say, but "not quite sure to go ahead and talk" sounds like some words have dropped out.
Stretchy definitely was in disbelief that she was expecting him to find junk for her,
The "was in disbelief" bit seems needlessly wordy to me. Maybe "Stretchy couldn't believe" etc.
Ah, Shiny is beginning to show her true Mary Sue face...
I can't help but feel that Shiny's house needs a bit more description (particularly for us non-fans who don't know what the robots' houses look like).
More very nice dialogue. I'm starting to like Rusty.
“That’s a question of talent, you know... you either have it, or you don’t,” she explained. Sporty noticed how she seemed to point with her hands at her and at Rusty, respectively, as she said that. It didn’t sound very nice to him.
Excellent!
*LOL* @ Shiny's singing. Ah, where would the Mary Sue be without the song lyrics... love what you do with the font size. Poor Noisy.
The twins were really surprised: that was some really loud, strong, noisy singing, and much probably, louder than any song Noisy ever sang. And then, they saw how disappointed Noisy was, but they really didn’t want to upset her.
A bit of telling instead of showing, I think.
“But if it works as a consolation,” Sparky One added, “I far prefer your noise than hers.”
Some language problems here. "If it's any consolation" sounds better. It should also be "prefer your noise to hers".
The following dialogue (to the final bit between the Sparky twins) is hilarious.
It barked and sniffed and whipped his tail left and right,
Great description, but make up your mind whether the dog is a "he" or an "it".
I'm really starting to dislike Shiny. Which means you're doing something right.
Particularly her trying to pull the lever.
“Hello, Sporty!” she said, with an exaggeratedly delicate voice.
Love it.
Typo: should be "basket", not "basked".
Shiny uses the word "place" thrice in her next sentence. Maybe you should remove one. (PS. I am not a crackpot.)
Shiny is really corrupting Sporty, isn't she? I love the way you've written this. Poor Sporty.
Gah! I hate Shiny for the way she's behaving to Rusty. Far too realistic and... gnaah! It might be just a bit clichéd, but I don't know how to improve it. It's pretty darn well-written.
Very sad, what follows. I like Spotty comforting Tiny.
Shiny came out of her house humming a merry little tune,
Excellently nasty.
Yay, Stripy told her off! I quite like Stripy.
How dare her! She’s so worry
"She", not "her", and "worried", not "worry".
Eeek! You put yourself in this story!
Ooh, dramatic stuff (and quite accurate, to my knowledge). I like it. It's possible that the robots don't seem to react a lot to the fact that they're apparently in a story. Then again, it works well.
Very lovely ending. No complaints of any kind.
So... I've been nitpicking a lot, trying to make a good story even better (probably not succeeding), but this is great. I love it. As I said, I've never seen the show, but all personalities come across quite well, and Shiny is wondrously hateable. The prose, as I said, is lovely, and there's a lot of brilliant dialogue.
Everyone, read it!
