My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

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My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by CD2005 » Sat Jun 25, 2005 11:51 am

I wasn't sure where to put this, if this is the wrong Forum, please move it to the correct one? Thanks!

I started writing this story a few years back. I never finished it. I would appreciate some Con-Crit.
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The Dark Dawn.rtf
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by CD2005 » Sat Jun 25, 2005 4:43 pm

Hmm...so far 24 members viewed my story. Nobody replied. I guess that can be taken as "don't quit the Comic-Making". Heh heh. ;D
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by OARRIAGA2001 » Sat Jun 25, 2005 5:15 pm

Wow, This is a very good story so far. One can see that you are into weapons and military. ;D You caught my interest from the very first paragraph, but It might be because I was in the military once and I like these kind of stories.

Now, English is not my first language, but I'm improving thanks to Chrisina's tips. She is a professional as you may already know, However I managed to find some mistakes that to my point of view can use some work.

I was just leaving the base with my partner, Sergeant Jill Reed.  “So are your kids trick or treating this year?” she asked.  “Yes…you should see my little girl.  She’s going as a little princess” I replied.
 

Here is understandable that you (Col. Chance) answered what Sgt. Reed was asking, so I don't think you need to use "I reply" after the quotation marks.
? City Texas…October 30th, 2000.
You never write a question mark by itself, it should always be after a question.

The rest has no problems to my point of view, but maybe like chris once said and I parapharse "The writer should always use words to make the reader think instead of taking them by the hand throughout the entire story."

Ok, I think this is the most I can do here. I will leave the rest to chris, hence she is far more experience than me. I highly suggest that if you want to become better in writing or anything in your life, stay with a person who knows and ask for tips. I learn that from a pretty nice package in this page http://www.learningstrategies.com/Genius/Home.html

One of these magnificent Cd's explain you how to improve yourself in all aspects in life, in this case writing. You should always stay behind someone who knows about what you are interested in, and be the sponge in a tank full of water.

P.S. I will love to see the story finished soon.  ;D
Last edited by OARRIAGA2001 on Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by CD2005 » Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:12 pm

? City Texas…October 30th, 2000.
You never write a question mark by itself, it should always be after a question.
That question mark means I don't have the name of a city. I guess I could've wrote it as "somewhere in Texas".
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by Hellfish » Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:21 pm

I think you should get back to working on it, it is a good start, IMO. :) The formatting leaves a little to be desired but otherwise it is enjoyable.

Tip: Post it as a rtf/txt file attached instead. It is usually preferred by readers and allows better control over the formatting.
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by CD2005 » Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:30 pm

Hellfish wrote: Tip: Post it as a rtf/txt file attached instead. It is usually preferred by readers and allows better control over the formatting.
Done! I saved it as a rtf.


Hellfish wrote: I think you should get back to working on it, it is a good start...
I believe I will do just that!
Last edited by CD2005 on Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by Ekko » Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:47 pm

Just press the 'Additional Options' button at the bottom of the Message area and attach it (You have to find the file in your computer first)

Anyways, the story. I'm glad there's another gun-nut out there, I really am. ;D Now, my story reviewing skills are very weak, and my writing abilites are just as bad, *Look at Simpspin if you wanna be sure* but I can tell this'll go in interesting directions. Of course, this does sound like a major rip-off of Resident Evil. (But this time, the undead are competent, a VERY good thing!)

The 'Over the topness' gives this script a very arcady feel, like one o' them shoot 'em up games. Can't wait till the guns start flaring, that'll be kick-ass! *Makes firearm sound effects*

Anyhow, can't wait too see this completed. I bet it'll be worth the read...
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by CD2005 » Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:53 pm

Ekko wrote: ...Of course, this does sound like a major rip-off of Resident Evil.
This is NOT a rip-off of RE. This is my own original story. There is nothing in the story from RE at all. How do you figure it's a rip-off of RE?
Last edited by CD2005 on Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by Ekko » Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:56 pm

I'm not saying that the story is taken from RE, I'm saying the idea is taken from RE. Zombie's running around. Usually deals with the military. Lotsa' shooting. You know what I'm trying to say...
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by CD2005 » Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:03 pm

Ah! I see what you're saying! Well in that case, you can add "Dawn Of The Dead", "Return Of The Living Dead", and pretty much any Zombie movie....just like you said.
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by Ekko » Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:08 pm

''I see.'' said the blind man to the deaf man...
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by CD2005 » Sun Jun 26, 2005 4:30 am

Here's the continuation. Will Chance find out where Sherry & Megan are being held? Read on! (It's a little shorter than the last file, but rest assured, the story will go on!).

*Update 6/29/05 @ 12:20am

I will have the next part of the story up, soon. Have to take care of a few things, won't be online for a few days, seeya soon!
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The Dark Dawn_end of Chapter 1_beginning of chapter 2.rtf
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by c_nordlander » Mon Jul 04, 2005 10:13 am

I should have reviewed this earlier, but other stuff got in the way. Thank you for making it into an attachment. Oh, and don't expect reviews right after posting something. Most people take a while to read and review new stories.

(Oh, and Ekko, just a tip: if you call something a "major rip-off", you have to consider the possibility that people might be a bit miffed. Particularly since "military vs. zombies" is such a seminal idea anyway.)

Anyway, on to my opinions on the first chapter:

I must say, if this is your first ever attempt at writing, you have the ability to go far. Quite good writing and interesting ideas. I will, however, nitpick on some points, in the interest of helping you improve.

I like the title. Not entirely original, but good.

Good, attention-grabbing opening.
“It’s happening!!!” rang through my ear.  “I’m on my way”.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks. It looks very unprofessional. Also, the full stop at the end should be inside the quote marks.

I think you need a line break before Chance introduces himself. Other than that, this bit is good. (And I like his name.) It's possible that the cut to the flashback is a bit unsubtle, but not horribly so.

I like the conversation with Jill. However, in dialogue you need a line break whenever there's a change of speakers, or the reader will be very confused as to who is speaking.

Operation Jumpstart... I like it. I don't know how original it is (I am normally no fan of zombie stories), but I think you can do quite a lot with this idea.

A little more description (both of settings and characters) wouldn't hurt. That kind of thing brings colour to a story.
The night sky was painted with bright, shiny stars that seemed to dance endlessly.  The Moon was unusually bright.  There was an unusual odor in the air.
That's what I meant. Good description. It's possible that you could cut "shiny", though, which seems a bit otiose referring to the stars. Quite a nice build-up of mood here.

This is just me, but I think it sounds a bit strange for Chance to get a gun before checking if Megan has fallen out the window. (Unless his experiences have made him extremely nervous, which should be taken into account.)

This bit (Chance looking for Megan and Sherry) needs more line breaks. Without breaks, it seems rushed. (Which may be the point, but still...)
As I went downstairs, I noticed footprints in the carpet.  They weren’t of a woman or of a child…they belonged to U.S. Army issue boots.  They took my wife and child.  I was now beginning to grow upset.
No offence, but the last sentence made me chuckle a bit, and unless it's intended to be a bit of comic relief, I'd suggest cutting it, because it seems quite an understatement. Other than that, I like this bit. Very dramatic.

I like the following bit as well. Like I said, you have a very interesting plot on your hands.
They wanted to bring the dead back to life.  There is only One that has that power.  Man has no business playing God.
Ah, the good old "there are some things Man was not meant to meddle with" horror film staple. I'm a bit tired of it myself, but I don't mind. Personally, though, I think the last sentence could be cut. It's a bit of a cliché, and the statement works well without it.

The following bit is dramatic, though it could again need more description.

How does Bragg know that Chance has the vial? I hope this will be explained later on. Also, if Bragg knows that Chance stole it, I'm sure he could find some simpler way to get it back than to hold Chance's family for ransom.
The P. stands for Pierre.  He’s not French, but his mother named him after Pierre Smith.  He wasn’t French either; he was just someone his mom had a crush on.
I love this bit. Seemingly irrelevant details like this make us think the characters exist.

No nitpicks about the last bit. It certainly makes me want to read more.

So: I'll wait with more general comments until I've read the second instalment. So far I quite like it. Your writing seems to be technically good (bar some punctuation errors and a lack of line breaks), and like I said, I'm rather intrigued by the story. More to come.
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by Ekko » Mon Jul 04, 2005 6:10 pm

Immaterial wrote: (Oh, and Ekko, just a tip: if you call something a "major rip-off", you have to consider the possibility that people might be a bit miffed. Particularly since "military vs. zombies" is such a seminal idea anyway.)
Yeah, please note the quote below.
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Re: My Very First Attempt At Writing.....(Zombie Story, unfinished)

Post by c_nordlander » Wed Jul 06, 2005 7:35 pm

Continuing with the second attachment:

Hmm, very short. Posting longer bits wouldn't hurt.
It was what I didn’t hear that worried me.
Good line!

Introducing Frank right before he dies feels, I don't know, a bit sloppy.

OK, you have some erratic capitalisation here. Remember, within a sentence only proper names, nationalities and trademarks should be capitalised. Possibly some other things I've forgotten. Not, however, "airfield" or "torso".

Could use some more line breaks as well. The writing itself continues decent, however.

I should have asked this before, but how did Bragg and his thugs get into the house and kidnap Chance's wife and kid without him noticing?
Just then we both heard the cracking of wood. The same wood the crates are made out of.
I like the first sentence, but the second feels like dead weight. I'd change to "The wood of the crates."
Oh no, the regenerated soldiers. The bullets must’ve pierced the pressurized tanks inside. They’re coming out of the crates! I didn’t have much time.
I actually don't find this description scary, in spite of the situation realistically being very much so. I think the problem is that you're telling instead of showing. (And, possibly, the fact that Chance is more used to the idea of reanimated corpses than the average reader.) Rather than this rather bald reference, I'd like to see a description of, say, nails screeching and bending as the crate sides begin to buckle, gaps between the boards widening to expose the torn metal of the tanks. Etc.

I like Bragg's final line. Also like the name of the hotel. In fact, Chapter 2 is very good so far, particularly the little detail about the bandana.

Well, there isn't much yet, but this seems to be quite a good story. Perhaps not the kind of thing I'd normally get in the library, but enjoyable nevertheless. Just cut down on the capitalisation, and try to make your descriptions more vivid. When you post more, I'll read it.
Say hello to the rug's topography
It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it.
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
You can't see it, but you know it's there, so don't neglect it.


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