Backwater - a long short story, or a mini novel, as you wish

[SirMustapha]

This is a piece of original fiction I've been working on for a while. This is, definitely, the story that wrote itself - I hope the narrative style won't be too intrusive, because that's really not what I intended. The title of the story reveals one of its themes, but it's, in general, about troubled relationships between the main characters, which are pre-teenagers, and the influence of adults - be it negative or positive. And so on. Give it a read, if you wish.

[c_nordlander]

The length of your story explains the lateness of my review. I enjoyed pretty much every second, though.

First of all, a note on your English. It feels petty to point out grammatical mistakes in a review thread, seeing how these problems won't be present in your Portuguese writing, but I found a few occurrences (mainly places where you used "on" instead of "in"). I can point them out to you in a PM if you want. On the upside, your English feels more idiomatic than in "A Summer's Tale", with only the occasional bureaucratic-sounding sentence. I caught only one typo/misspelling: in Chapter LVIII, it should be "customer".

Comparing this to "A Summer's Tale" is kind of pointless, plot- or genre-wise, but from a technical writing standpoint, you've improved a lot, particularly in characterisation. There is very little outright telling the reader what a character is like, as in "Mark was always a loner": instead you show his or her interests and daily life. The characters are obviously the point of this story, so it's suitable that they are extremely well-drawn. Janice's father (it would have been nice if you had given him a name, but it's not much of a loss) stands out, but Mark and Janice are as good as I could ever wish. In fact, I should be even more impressed with them: I'm currently writing a short story where the main characters are young children, and know how challenging it can be.

Also, vitally for this story, you've managed to describe the physical side of pre-teen love without making it either anodyne or too precocious, something I think may be getting rare in current literature as some readers tend to see paedophilia in everything. I admire your lucidity in this area.

The short chapters are fairly unique and make the story very readable. I loved some of the chapter titles. (The story's title is good as well.)

The plotting is rather untraditional (more of this below), but not bad for that. I was quite impressed at how you detailed a recurring situation (with fine changes in the details) of Mark trying to kiss Janice. This is a kind of naturalistic approach to fiction, I would say: a lot of writers would probably skip something like that as "boring", which it certainly isn't. The dialogue is another place where this story shines. I won't waste words on it, but most of it feels extremely real, and only very rarely edges into soap opera. For a while, it seemed like Janice was made out to be wrong, against Mark and her father, but the ending evened out that perception.

In fact, all the writing is good, sometimes impressively so. You have a sharp turn of phrase, and a lot of attention to the characters' movements and expressions (though they could use more physical description, more of that below).

I'm impressed at how well you've managed to stay clear of cliché. For example, having Janice attempting suicide after the fight with her father would have been far too stock. (I love the later bit where the teachers think about the "suicide attempt", within quote marks.) Likewise, Janice's traumatic experience is indeed awful, but not played up for horror value.

Over to the negative stuff:

The plot is indeed odd. The chapters about David and Sara (coming after the introduction of Mark, which is a good touch), while well-written and a dramatic story, could almost be detached from this work as a separate short story. David and Sara are obviously needed as supporting characters, and their relationship mirrors that of Mark and Janice (and the parent-child dynamic), but their experiences in the opening chapters have no effect on the main plot.

The narrative voice speaking directly to the reader is, well, unusual in the fiction of this century and the last. I'm not saying it is bad (though it always jolts me, personally), but it doesn't seem to add much. In fact, it pretty much disappears once the plot is underway (except for the mirror in-joke), which seems to imply to me that it's not really that essential. The mirror scene just works: I could see the joke coming, but then, we are friends and have talked a lot about such things, and the writing is sharp.

The mirror scene highlights the lack of physical description. I know this isn't vital to a story, but it helps the reader to visualise it. Even just having Mark seeing Janice on her first day in school as "a short girl with blond hair", or her father as "a broad-shouldered, greying man with a face that seemed permanently poised on a grin" would make the story so much clearer, for want of a better word. If you have trouble describing people, try exercising by sitting down with a photo of someone and writing a description of the person.

Despite my minor problems, this novella is highly recommended. It's an accurate, as far as I can tell, unsentimental portrayal of romantic and family relationships at an age that adults like I tend to imagine as being happy and carefree. An extremely sensitive and polished work.

[SirMustapha]

I'm somewhat relieved and overwhelmed by your response. Not that I want to sound self-congratulatory; it's just that I imagined that such a, should I say it, "experimental" story would get more clinical analysis. I'm happy that it was enjoyable enough. I did say there were some things I weren't too sure about in the story. The "sub-plot" coming first, like that, is pretty much a prank - by making the story look like it's going to be dark and dramatic, and the plunging into the apparently more shallow main plot. I just felt too cowardly to remove or shorten it. It's a bit of a dilemma, actually. I might consider shortening, but I don't want to lose the antithesis at the end. Biting irony makes me feel oh-so-smart.

I actually think those negative points are very important points, regarding my writing. I hate to make people think I'm disputing their opinions, or trying to take it back. I actually urge to discuss those things. So, the lack of physical descriptions - a bit of that was intentional, but I think I exaggerate at times. What I try to do, in these kinds of stories, is leave enough space for the reader to fill in the blanks, as in giving their own mental image to the characters, to allow some sort of identification in it. I do have the idea, but not quite the skills to pull it off it well. It's the danger of the story, instead of feeling intriguing, feeling insipid. I had trouble not only with physical descriptions, but even with talking about the characters' personalities (and this ties in marvelously with your thread about personality vs. backstory, you know!), fearing that it could get in the way of the reader's perception, and end up looking like I was just making up by unsatisfactory narration. Oh, in fact, the grown-up characters went unnamed by personal stylistic choice. Yes, it's more problematic with Janice's father, since he becomes so crucial. I wanted to keep the focus firmly in the children, and I had in mind those cartoons in which, when there's an adult character, you can never see above their knees. And since I couldn't go for the radical, "Charlie and Lola" approach of keeping all adults out of sight, I decided to keep them unnamed. The father probably deserves some reconsidering, though.

As for the narrative voice... It's another tricky topic. Once again, I have the idea, but not the skills. I don't know how interested you are in Brazilian literature, but Machado de Assis used that style of narration very, very often, and HE did it the right way. His "Posthumous Reminiscences of Brás Cubas" (I think this is the English title) is a novel in which the main character is making his autobiography from the afterlife, and there's sarcasm all over it; in particular, he starts the book narrating his burial, and reaches the point of including one chapter solely to highlight his brilliant, "smooth" transition between his death and his infancy (chapter XIV is a specific reference to that, in fact). Not that I wanted to achieve that kind of mockery, but yes, I love the style; and he's also the influence for the short chapters, here. He keeps the same style of narration through the whole book, though, and I fall into the danger of making it interrupt the story flow. I'd hate to see the story getting intense, just to be interrupted by the author showing off. It's a delicate balance that I'm yet to achieve, but hey, practice makes decent. This is the kind of external view that is essential for me to look at the story with different eyes, and spot the things I just can't see with my personal, biased view. Yes, really, your comments are always very helpful. I feel confident enough in this story to try to improve it as much as I can. After all, the main message of the story was delivered, so it's got to be worth working on further. Thanks a whole lot, Chris. Responses like this really make me want to review something.

(P.S.: any comments on the English itself would be very much appreciated. I'd willingly accept them, if it won't be much of a bother to you.)

[c_nordlander]

The "sub-plot" coming first, like that, is pretty much a prank - by making the story look like it's going to be dark and dramatic, and the plunging into the apparently more shallow main plot.

Heh heh, I hadn't thought of that. That way, it makes more sense.

What I try to do, in these kinds of stories, is leave enough space for the reader to fill in the blanks, as in giving their own mental image to the characters, to allow some sort of identification in it. I do have the idea, but not quite the skills to pull it off it well. It's the danger of the story, instead of feeling intriguing, feeling insipid. I had trouble not only with physical descriptions, but even with talking about the characters' personalities (and this ties in marvelously with your thread about personality vs. backstory, you know!), fearing that it could get in the way of the reader's perception, and end up looking like I was just making up by unsatisfactory narration.

That's very interesting, but there's a limit to how much you can leave to the reader. Humans are very dependent on sight, and the viewpoint character should have some sort of image of the other characters, I feel.

As for personalities, my strong belief is that you should show them, not describe them. You're doing that marvellously in this story.

Oh, in fact, the grown-up characters went unnamed by personal stylistic choice. Yes, it's more problematic with Janice's father, since he becomes so crucial. I wanted to keep the focus firmly in the children, and I had in mind those cartoons in which, when there's an adult character, you can never see above their knees.

Another cool point I hadn't thought about. It works for, say, Sara's mother, but Janice's father becomes such an important character (the exception that proves the rule), he probably deserves a name.

EDIT: I only really feel the lack of a name by the time where he gets a whole chapter about himself. Until then, since he's seen through Mark's and Janice's eyes, he's perfectly fine as "Janice's father" to me.

As for the narrative voice... It's another tricky topic. Once again, I have the idea, but not the skills. I don't know how interested you are in Brazilian literature, but Machado de Assis used that style of narration very, very often, and HE did it the right way. His "Posthumous Reminiscences of Brás Cubas" (I think this is the English title) is a novel in which the main character is making his autobiography from the afterlife, and there's sarcasm all over it; in particular, he starts the book narrating his burial, and reaches the point of including one chapter solely to highlight his brilliant, "smooth" transition between his death and his infancy (chapter XIV is a specific reference to that, in fact).

That sounds like an intriguing novel, and I'll see if I can read it (in translation, preferably). Still, one point I want to highlight: in "The Posthumous Reminiscences of Brás Cubas", going by your description, it seems that the first-person narrator is a character in his own right in the story. (If I'm wrong about this, my fault.) I find a "personal" narrative voice a lot more acceptable in a case like that, than when the narrator is obviously standing outside the story.

(P.S.: any comments on the English itself would be very much appreciated. I'd willingly accept them, if it won't be much of a bother to you.)

I'll send a list of them in a PM soon.