Once upon a life time (not a simpsons story)

[OARRIAGA2001]

I hope you guys can remember the series "Talespin" If you do, happy reading, and you are welcome to critize it as you want.  I'd appreciate it.


*****  "Operated her"  should be changed to "operated on her".   Omar, for crying outloud she is not a robot or machine, you dumbass!  Lol!


Note to self: Pay attention, closer attention.

*UPDATED. final version is up****************

[archonix]

I've just had a quick scan through it and only noticed a few obvious spelling mistakes. If you run it through an english spellchecker you should be fine. It's an interesting plot. Maybe a little melodramatic, but that's ok.

[OARRIAGA2001]

Lets just say that I like to play with people's feelings, and I know how they will react to this.   Thanks for the heads up, Graham.  I'll check it with word later today after school.  Cheers!  *Grabs a beer*  *Burp*

[c_nordlander]

I know this is finished, but I'm just pointing out some typoes that need changing: "love ones" should be "loved", and "baloons" should be "balloons", it's "Higher for Hire" (and since it's a company name, it needs to be capitalised, and so does the Sea Duck), "her mind wondered away" should be "wandered", "kits" on page 3 should be "Kit", the line beginning "Mom" on page 4 needs to have quotes in front, "taping" should be "tapping" (when it's from "tap"), and Mr Gradder's line on page 7 should have quotes after it. On page 7, "her wife" should be "his". There are some faulty capitalisations (always capitalise after a full stop, but *not* in a dialogue tag after a question mark or exclamation mark). It's "Khan", not "Kahn".

I haven't watched TaleSpin for ages (though I remember it being a great show), so I don't remember most of the characters too well, but this is quite good. I agree with Graham's opinions. The emotion is well handled, and both the happy and nasty parts come across well. I feel for Baloo and Rebecca. There are some very nice descriptions (I like how Kit's stories about his days on the street are "like glass pieces incrusted in Baloo's head"). I enjoyed the switch between present and past times: well done, that. Since this is only a first part, I can't really say much about the plot or the pacing.

Downsides? The occasional bit feels like telling rather than showing, and while I feel mean for criticising someone's secondary language, you might want to get a native English speaker for a beta reader. There are no huge mistakes here, and it's not incomprehensible by any means, but it's unidiomatic at times. Still, your English has improved a lot since previous fics, so take pride in that.

If you write more, I'll be very happy to read it. I want to find out how this ends.

[OARRIAGA2001]

Wow Chris! That you read this part of the story makes me feel wonderfull, you have no idea how.  I mean, you are way up there on the writing level, and I'm way down where the sewers are in comparison; That does mean a A LOT to me (I had to cap those letters)  Even if you pointed out lots of mistakes I'm not feeling bad at all, and knowing that I still have hope to at least be an average writer while still not in my primary language makes me proud about this and the few stories I've written.  You know what you just did?... You just gave me will to write more on this.  I wish I could thank you in a way that you deserve, Chris, because words are just words.  Thanks, thanks a lot again.