STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

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jenny
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STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby jenny » Thu Jun 02, 2011 11:21 am

Hello folks,

I've mentioned this in chat recently - I've been working on a fic based on the Beetlejuice cartoon. My daughter has recently discovered this and, as anyone who's experienced a child who likes a certain television programme can tell you, that means I've got to know it VERY well. (I can still recite episodes of the Tweenies verbatim. Apparently my mother could do the same for Knight Rider. Yeah, I was a real tomboy.)

Anyway, this is the first chapter of the story - probably won't mean a great deal to those of you who don't know the cartoon, so I'm certainly not expecting a glut of reviews, but I thought it'd be nice to share. This is on FF.net under the name "The Girl Who Planted Trees" but like the awkward bugger I am I already hate that name.

Oh, and despite the document name, it hasn't got anything to do with ninjas. It would probably be a massive improvement if it did, but tough titty.
Attachments
ninja project.doc
BJ fic part I
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HOUSE MUSIC ALL NIGHT LONG!!
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby Archonix » Thu Jun 02, 2011 9:24 pm

Sorta-kinda reading it now, I'm never good at this review thing, but it's got a very engaging style, and it feels like what little I remember of the Beetlejuice cartoons. So far so good.

Venn-like island of common ground. That's a keeper. ;D
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Jun 03, 2011 8:02 pm

Disclaimer: I haven't watched the Beetlejuice cartoon (nor the movie, for that matter). Thus, I don't know how many of the ideas are due to you or to the show.

Typo: "scarlett" should be "scarlet"; "Prakital" should be "Praktical" (I love the spelling of that title, by the way; not sure whether you or the series are to be credited for it).

Despite my ignorance of the source material, I like this a lot so far. You have a very promising plot here, and Lydia's character is lovely. I like the subtle relationship between her and her stepmother; it's more interesting to read about than the usual open hostility between step-parents and children in fiction. More than anything, though, I want to see how the plot pans out. If you post more, I'll definitely read it.

I don't have any negative criticism to make. "a man with financial means greater than his physical means" might be better if you changed it to "than his physical ones". One or two passages about Lydia's emotions feel a bit wordy. By and large, though, your style is very good, and Lydia's thoughts feel true to life. I especially like her thought about the skylight, and her final wander through the house is perfectly written.

Good luck writing more! I want to find out what happens with her plan. (But no stress.)
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby missy_misery » Sun Jun 05, 2011 3:28 am

As someone who grew up watching the cartoon, I'm grinning over this one. What a positively adorable fic! Like Chris said, your Lydia is spot-on.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby Gulliver63 » Sun Jun 05, 2011 10:09 pm

I've never really watched the cartoon, but I'm an enormous fan of the movie. I really like your style of writing...it's unusual, but I like it. It caught my interest from the beginning of the story. I also think that choosing this as a writing subject was nice and different. Good work!
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby jenny » Tue Jun 07, 2011 1:54 pm

Thanks for the reviews, folks! Chapter two is here...
Attachments
ninja2.doc
BJ fic chapter 2
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby jenny » Fri Jun 10, 2011 2:36 pm

And because it's the weekend weekend weekend (we so excited etc), here's chapters 3 - 5:
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BJ chapters 1 - 5.doc
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:52 pm

OK, I have no criticism for chapter 2. The narrative voice and dialogue are spot-on what I know about Beetlejuice, and it's all very funny; sometimes enough to make me laugh out loud, especially about the bureaucracy of the Neitherworld.

More reviews will be forthcoming.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
c_nordlander
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Jun 11, 2011 9:01 pm

Chapter three continues good. Plot, humour, everything. The only thing I thought might need touching up was the extended "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" joke: it's not bad, but it might do to make it a bit less verbose.

The interaction between Lydia and Delia is still excellent, and Lydia's thoughts are brilliant. You have some beautiful descriptions too, especially in the memory of Lydia's hospital stay.

I'll read more soon.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby missy_misery » Sun Jun 12, 2011 1:14 pm

Excellent characterization all around, Jenny! It's really vibrantly written - I'm having so much fun following this story.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: STORY: Beetlejuice cartoon fic

Postby c_nordlander » Sun Jun 12, 2011 8:07 pm

Review of the rest of the document:

Typoes: "millenia" needs two Ns; "no sooner had he found a decent place then he was in the form of a giant snake" should be "than" instead of "then"; "disappated" should be "dissipated"; "Cthulu" should be "Cthulhu" (can't blame you for that one); "When I was Lydia's I was" needs an "age".

I might as well just copy-paste one of my previous review. The humour continues great, and you have some nice drama too, without getting overstated about it. All the references are suitably subtle and hilarious. You know your stuff. The plot is progressing nicely, and, well, everything about this is just excellent. I'm looking forward to more, and I recommend it to everyone who isn't already reading it.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"

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