The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Off Topic Discussions and General Rantage for everything that doesn't fit into another forum. No flaming please.
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7479
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Archonix » Sat Mar 11, 2006 12:06 am

Keep it moving folks. :)
Lawyers should *never* ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the
answer:

During a trial in a southern small town the prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand - a elderly grandmotherly woman.

He approached her and asked,"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She said,"Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again said, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women,
one of them being your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died on the spot.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice and said:

"If *either* of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses
in jail for contempt!
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
User avatar
Terry Y
Senior Executive
Senior Executive
Posts: 2139
Joined: Wed Apr 09, 2003 5:31 pm
Custom Title: Head Bee Guy
Location: The Part of New York that's not The City

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Terry Y » Sat Mar 11, 2006 3:30 pm

Nice!

This one's short, but I laughed uncontrollably when I heard it.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Penguin
*rimshot*

Thank you!  I'll be here all week!  Tip your veal and try the waitress!
"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food." - Julia Child
User avatar
SirMustapha
Junior Secretariat
Junior Secretariat
Posts: 4137
Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2001 8:20 pm
Location: South of South America
Contact:

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by SirMustapha » Sun Mar 12, 2006 12:28 am

Man, those two were great.

What I know are some bizarre affirmations about Chuck Norris. Like those:
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep

One time, Chuck Norris kicked so fast that his foot reached speed of light, travelled in time and hit a German fighter plane.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken
"This is the scientifical truth, which is much better. You shouldn't let poets lie to you."
-- Björk
User avatar
Stretch_Dude
Senior Control Officer
Senior Control Officer
Posts: 3747
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2001 10:40 am
Location: New Jersey
Contact:

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Stretch_Dude » Sun Mar 12, 2006 1:01 am

Don Cobra wrote: Man, those two were great.

What I know are some bizarre affirmations about Chuck Norris. Like those:
Those aren't jokes, man. Those are truths. ;D
I memorized "Holy Grail" really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
- "Weird Al" Yankovic, "White and Nerdy"

"Any pile of stunted growth unaware that entertainment is just that and nothing more, deserves to doom themselves to some dank cell, somewhere, for having been so stupid!! Movies, books, T.V., music - they're all just entertainment, not guidebooks for damning yourself!" - Nny

I draw too, dammit!
OARRIAGA2001
Advisory Technical Manager
Advisory Technical Manager
Posts: 941
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2005 3:52 pm
Location: Middle Earth

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by OARRIAGA2001 » Sun Mar 12, 2006 1:09 am

Ok, ok.  I've got one I learnt while in the army.  A small one.


Hey Boris! Your forehead is so big that is not a forehead is a fivehead. ;D

Sorry if this is dumb, but is the only one I know.
Never judge a book by its cover.....
User avatar
Stretch_Dude
Senior Control Officer
Senior Control Officer
Posts: 3747
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2001 10:40 am
Location: New Jersey
Contact:

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Stretch_Dude » Sun Mar 12, 2006 1:43 am

What do you call a midget psychic on the lam?

A small medium at large.
I memorized "Holy Grail" really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
- "Weird Al" Yankovic, "White and Nerdy"

"Any pile of stunted growth unaware that entertainment is just that and nothing more, deserves to doom themselves to some dank cell, somewhere, for having been so stupid!! Movies, books, T.V., music - they're all just entertainment, not guidebooks for damning yourself!" - Nny

I draw too, dammit!
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11840
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Content Superspreader

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Mar 12, 2006 10:30 am

I love the Chuck Norris list. I even had one of those for my personal text once...

A man comes home from work a little earlier than usual, and as he walks up the stairs, he sees his wife sitting naked in a bed in complete disarray.
"What's going on here?" he yells.
"I was feeling a bit under the weather, so I was going to bed", she tries to explain.
"Oh, don't try that with me, I know there's someone else!"
At that moment, he hears footsteps on the sidewalk outside the house, and someone getting into the car. It must be her lover! He runs into the kitchen and, with the strength of ten men, grabs the fridge and carries it to the balcony, where he drops it on the car. Then he suffers a heart attack and dies.
Cut to that overworn staple of jokes: the Pearly Gates. Standing outside it are the souls of the husband, the man in the car, and another man whom none of them knows.
St. Peter turns to the husband, who is first in the line, and asks: "How did you die?"
"I was just carrying some furniture out of my house, minding my own business, when I had a heart attack."
"That's good", St. Peter says. "You may enter." He then turns to the late man in the car. "And how did you die?"
"I was just getting in my car, minding my own business, when some jackass dropped a fridge in my head."
"You may enter as well." St. Peter turns to the last of the three souls. "So, how did you die?"
"I was just sitting in a fridge, minding my own business..."
The Literal Challenge:
Day 0: Re: Birthday || Day 8: Across the Dimensions
Day 1: The Contents of the Shoes || Day 9: The Rest of Me
Day 2: Room to Let || Day 10: The Maiden of the Shadows
Day 3: Flashbacks || Day 11: The Slavemakers: The Polyergus Rufescens Ants and Their Prisoners
Day 4: Crystallised Tsuki
Day 5: The Bloodstar
Day 6: Captain Dirk, Defender of the Galaxy
Day 7: The Kingdom of the Butterflies
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7479
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Archonix » Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:31 am

English man, Irish man, Welsh man and Scots man on a train it was St. David’s day.
Welsh man says “my son was born on this day and we called him David”
English man says “by Jove my son was born on Saint Georges day and we called him George,
Scots man says “that’s incredible my son was born on St Andrews day and we called him Andrew”.
Irish man says “be jaysus wait till I tell pancake”

There is a Jewish lady on a beach with her small child, a huge wave come in and washes the child out to see. The lady falls on her knees and prays, “Please God bring back my BABY”
Another wave comes in an gently places the child next to her feet and the lady shouts:
“He was wearing a HAT!”
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7479
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Archonix » Mon Mar 20, 2006 6:37 pm

Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
French for "not enough food".

Continental breakfast, n.:
English for "not enough food".

Tapas, n.:
Spanish for "not enough food".

Dim Sum, n.:
Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7479
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Archonix » Tue Mar 28, 2006 8:15 pm

A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture, when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him...

The driver---a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie---leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an e-mail on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi- tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on, amused, as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my DOG."
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
User avatar
Terry Y
Senior Executive
Senior Executive
Posts: 2139
Joined: Wed Apr 09, 2003 5:31 pm
Custom Title: Head Bee Guy
Location: The Part of New York that's not The City

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Terry Y » Tue Mar 28, 2006 8:45 pm

Ha!  Mind if I borrow this one?
"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food." - Julia Child
User avatar
tommy
Trainee Technician
Trainee Technician
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2005 1:44 am
Location: A little town called Europe

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by tommy » Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:39 pm

A rabbit enters a confectioner's shop and looks around. The guy behind the counter asks, "can I help you?"
"Do you have carrot pie?" the rabbit asks [do silly voice for maximum effect]
"No", the guy answers.
"Right," says the rabbit and leaves.
Next day, same rabbit enters same store. "Do you have carrot pie?"
"No," the confectioner says. "We don't have carrot pie."
"Right," and the rabbit leaves.
The confectioner starts to think: "What if I make this rabbit a nice carrot pie? He could make a good customer..."
So he does, and yes, the next day, the rabbit enters his store. "Do you have carrot pie?"
"Oh yes," the confectioner declares proudly. "We do have carrot pie."
Rabbit says, "Ain't it disgusting?"
User avatar
Casper
Senior Technical Supervisor
Senior Technical Supervisor
Posts: 747
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2005 9:15 pm
Location: England. Oldham, just to the North West of Manchester.
Contact:

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Casper » Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:40 pm

Hehe!!

Thats a good one! :D
Simpsons : Realities
Dedicated to SR
Image
"In The Shadow Of Our Pale Companion" - Agalloch
User avatar
Terry Y
Senior Executive
Senior Executive
Posts: 2139
Joined: Wed Apr 09, 2003 5:31 pm
Custom Title: Head Bee Guy
Location: The Part of New York that's not The City

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Terry Y » Thu Mar 30, 2006 4:18 pm

A husband and wife are discussing living wills, the husband tells his wife, " Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.  If I ever get to that point just pull the plug."  His wife promptly gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all the beer.
Sorry, that's all I've got today. 
"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food." - Julia Child
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7479
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: The All New Improved Joke Thread!

Post by Archonix » Thu Mar 30, 2006 10:36 pm

;D
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
Locked