The All New Improved Joke Thread!

[Casper]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.






... its a great way to silence the room after a good joke.

[simpsonsnut78]

nice one...

please don't get offended.

your momma is so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs...

[c_nordlander]

Hey, thatmargesimpsonfan, just get off my momma... because I just got off yours.

[Fionn]

So, a plane is taking a bunch of ambassadors to a UN meeting.  On the plane are delegates from Britain, France, Japan, Mexico, and a big fat U.S. delegate from Texas.  As they're flying along, the pilot notices they're low on fuel, and figures that if they lighten up the plane they'll get better mileage.  So they throw all the cargo off the plane, then unscrew the seats and throw them out.  They're still far from their destination, and the fuel needle is wobbling lower and lower.

"We need to throw more stuff off!" one of the ambassadors says.

"There's nothing more to throw off!" The pilot answers. 

So the British ambassador stands up very proudly, says "God save the queen!" and leaps out of the plane.  The continue on for a while longer, and the plane is sputtering now.  The French ambassador stands up, shouts, "Vive la France!" and throws himself out, plummeting to his death.  They go on more, and the plane is still losing fuel.  The Japanese ambassador jumps out, screaming, "Banzai!".  They're almost at the airport.  The needle has dropped to 'E'. 

"We might make it if we drop something else out," the pilot says.

So the U.S. ambassador says, "Remember the Alamo" and throws the Mexican off.

Sorry.  Heard it in "An American Werewolf in London".

[Orange Box]

thatmargesimpsonfan
Immaterial

Hehe, "Yo Momma" jokes... How sophisticated! :p

Oh, before I go -- yo momma so poor, I saw her kicking a tin can down the street, and when I asked what she was doing, she said: "Moving downtown"!

Orange Box

[Terry Y]

I'm not sure "Yo Mama" jokes are either "new" or "improved." 

Hey, thatmargesimpsonfan, just get off my momma... because I just got off yours.

Though that was pretty good!

[archonix]

Mikhael Gorbechev, Ronald Reagan, Henry Kissinger and a backpacker are travelling to New York on a plane. For a while things are fine, but then suddenly the engines all explode (or something like that) and the plane loses power. The pilot comes out of the cockpit and tells his passengers "Well fokls, I'm sorry to say this, but it looks like we're going to crash, so we'll have to bail out. Unfortunately we're one parachute short, so we're going to have to choose someone to stay behind."
On hearing this, Gorbechev leaps to his feet, screams "I created glasnost and opened up Russia to new ideas!", grabs a parachute and leaps from the plane. Right on his tail, Reagan yells "I brought the soviet union to its knees and saved the world!", grabs another parachute and also leaps from the plane. Then Kissenger jumps up, shouts "I'm the smartest man in the world!", grabs a chute and follows the other two.
After watching this, the backpacker turns to the pilot and says: "Well, I've lived a good life and I've seen lots of places. I can die happy right now. You take the last parachute, you probably have a family or something."
"No eed for that," the pilot replies. "The smartest man in the world just jumped out wearing your backpack."

[Fionn]

Good one!

Kissinger (thinking) "I can't let them know I dropped my glasses in the toilet.  Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accord."

[simpsonsnut78]

here's another yo' momma joke and PLEASE don't get offended.

yo' momma is so short she does chin-ups in a staple.

[Meteorite]

In case Immaterial's, Orange Box's or Lord Kingsley's posts were too subtle for you, thatmargesimpsonfan, no more 'Yo Mamma' jokes.

[Fionn]

Little joke I heard in Catholic school...(no offense meant, anyone)

So the Pharisees brought the adulteress in front on Jesus and said that she had comitted adultery, and that, as the Law commanded, she was to be stoned to death.  So Jesus said,

"Let one without sin cast the first stone."

Thwak! And the woman falls over, clutching her head.

"Good shot Mom!"

Sorry about that.

[c_nordlander]

*LOL*

[archonix]

This may make people sad and/or enraged. Or just make them laugh.

You see, recently. Heather Mills (née Mills-McCartney) has been accused of saying a lot of nasty things about Paul, widely reported in the newspapers. She's taking the papers to court over the ellgations.

Experts say she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

In other news, a man in Manchester was recently convicted of stealing thousands of pounds worth of reference books from a library before selling them on e-bay. The judge has given him a suspended sentence after he promised to turn over a new leaf and end this sorry chapter of his life, which was seen as a somewhat novel defence. The police had previously demanded that the judge throw the book at him, however the judge himself was willing to close the book on the sorry story. He has since been accused of papering over the affair.

[Terry Y]

*choke*

Too...many...puns...*gurgle!*

[c_nordlander]

Heh heh heh...

Did you hear that all the toilets in the Manchester police office have been stolen? The police say they have nothing to go on.