The All New Improved Joke Thread!

[Vulgaris_Prime]

Most of these are reposted from the last joke thread.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

How many otaku does it take to change a lightbulb?
"The Japanese lightbulb was better!"

How many gamers does it take?
"Why just one when you can have infinite lightbulbs?  UP-UP-DOWN-DOWN-LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT-RIGHT-B-A-START"

How many Transformers fans?
Just one - if he stops complaining about the bulb's lack of articulation.

How many multi-level marketers?
"Why change just one lightbulb, when you could be changing THOUSANDS every day?!"

How many of me?
"Hang on, lemme finish reading the manual."

Didja hear about my friend, the insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
He stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

And my other friend, the paranoid dyslexic?
He always thinks he's following someone.

Duck walks into a bar, asks the barkeep, "Got any grapes?"  The barkeep sneers and says, "No."  The duck leaves.
Next day, duck comes back, asks, "Got any grapes?"  The barkeep sneers again and growls, "No."  The duck leaves.
Next day, duck comes back, asks, "Got any grapes?"  The barkeep points and yells, "No, and if you ask that again, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!"  The duck leaves.
Next day, duck comes back and asks, "Got any nails?"  Barkeep says, "No."  Duck says, "Okay, got any grapes?"

Fidel Castro and the Pope are walking along the beach, and the Pope's hat blows off and lands about fifteen feet from shore.  Castro walks on the water, grabs the hat, and gives it back to the Pontiff.
The headlines the next day read:
In Rome: "Cuban Leader Castro Returns Pope's Hat"
In Havana: "Great Leader Castro Named Successor to Jesus"
In Miami: "Castro Can't Even Swim"

Went to a psychic last week.  I knew right away she was no friggin' good - she took one of my checks.

An old miser gathers his children around as he lies on his deathbed.  He says, "I will not last long.  I want you to take all my money and gold and jewels, place them in a chest, and put it in the attic, so that my ghost can grab it when I rise to heaven."  They do just that.
The next day, the miser dies.
The day after, the oldest son and daughter go up to the attic, and find the chest, still sitting there.  The daughter turns to her brother and says, "I knew we should've put it in the basement."

[archonix]

To: Earth
From: Frank "God" Rodriguez
Re: Upcoming Patch

Greetings, subscribing students. The new Earth v. 1.3 patch will go into
effect April 1. If you notice any problems with the changes, please contact
our University space station campus's customer service representatives.

Before sharing with you how this system will make your life better, I'd like
to thank the University for its ongoing support of the sciences. Students
and taxpayers alike keep lobbying the Legislature for more money to keep
programs like these alive. The more you support the University.

CRITICAL UPDATES OF THE EARTH v. 1.3 PATCH

- Gravity now works as intended. Objects no longer fall at a constant rate.
Instead, objects now fall faster or slower depending on weight.

- Saturn is a fully operational planet. It is no longer just a flash
animation repeating itself over and over. It is complete with an atmosphere,
volcanoes and pigeons.

- Proper pronunciation of Uranus has returned to "Your-Anus."

- The Canadian nationality is now fixed.

- Old data causing the Elvis Sighting Bug has been deleted.

- God particle has been hidden.

- Earthquakes and other natural disasters are now more fun.

- Man in the Moon texture resolution has been improved.

- Midgets have been balanced. They can now grow wings.

- The duckbilled platypuses are fixed. They are now more aesthetically
pleasing with a fashionable racing stripe.

- Leap Year has been fixed. There are now 27 hours in a day.

- The evolution process has been halted until monkeys catch up.

- 'Could not find WNX34.dll' error has been fixed.

- Glaciers now move 8,034,293 times faster.

- The speed of sound and speed of light were reversed. This has been fixed.

- Planets are now aligned alphabetically.

- New race of Thunder cats introduced.

- Cross breeding between species is now allowed for variety.

- Antarctica is now less useless.

- Photosynthesis fixed. Plants now hunt for food as intended.

- By popular demand, the human appendix now predicts low pressure fronts.

- The Holy Land has been relocated to Wausau, Wis.

[Dagdamor]

- Planets are now aligned alphabetically.

*LOL*

[Meteorite]

* Dark Mage laughs hard.

Hey, is it a coincidence that "God"'s last name is the same as Bender's?

[Terry Y]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

*rimshot!*

[archonix]

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a NYC public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, a White House spokesman said authorities believe the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. The man is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of mediaeval, with co-ordinates in every country.

The school board was quick to point out that "there are three sides to every triangle. Having possession of a compass is not an offence in itself. It's what some-one might do with it. It's really a question of degrees."

Many people remain sceptical. If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.

[Terry Y]

A woman walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "What can I get for you?"

She answered, "Give me a double entendre."

*sultry voice*

So he did!  (nudge, wink, etc.)

Hmmm...this didn't really translate well to text, did it?  Sorry 'bout that.  Go on with your lives, citizens!

[archonix]

A fellow walks in to a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh standing by the bar, so he walks upo to him and says "Hello Vincent, can I buy you a pint?"

Vincent replies "No thanks, I've got one 'ear."

[Terry Y]

Very punny!

This one's not an original but it sure made me laugh:

In a conversation with a suicidal man threatening to jump off a bridge:
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too. What franchise?" He says, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He
says, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too. Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?" He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."

I said, "Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Eastern Region?" He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1912?" He says, Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" and I pushed him over.
-Emo Phillips

[archonix]

Taken from a letter to The Register

    I've had so many wonderful conversations with cell phone company's tech support but my all time favorite is this little gem I had with a Verizon rep.

    Once I called Verizon about a problem which I'd had many times and so I knew what they needed to do however,.... after a long and useless conversation with tech support I was finally told the problem was the keypad on my phone was not working.

    At this point I said, "Now let me make sure I understand what you are telling me. The key pad on the phone that I'm holding in my hand, talking to you with right now, the keypad that I just used to dial you, so that we could be having this conversation right now, that keypad is not working?"

    "Yes sir."

    "So that keypad, that I just used to dial your 800 hundred number, and then used to punch in a lot of numbers to navigate your phone system menu is not working at all?"

    "Yes sir".

    I actually went through several more iterations of this because I was so amazed anyone could be this dense but finally I gave up and said,

    "Let me talk to your supervisor".

    The supervisor claimed, in a masterful moment of understatement, that they had been having some turnover and training problems.

[Meteorite]

Ha!  I love stories about Tech Support that's no help at all.  So I guess I'll follow up with one from here.

Last term in college I was working in the lab when my network connection suddenly died. Mine was the only computer doing that, and we're not supposed to mess with the computers ourselves, so I called the lab attendant over.

This guy was a fourth term programming major. I don't know how he was this stupid. But I told him what was wrong and what error message I was getting ("no route to host") and figured he'd go behind the computer and check the wires.

No. He brought up the menu on the monitor (that allows you to adjust the size, shape, tint, brightness, etc, of the display) and starts fiddling with that. He told me to try again. Obviously it didn't work.

Me: "Why don't you just check the network wires?"
Him: "I'm the computer expert here. Just let me work."

He fiddled with the monitor settings some more. Finally he slapped the monitor and said:

Him: "Well, I don't know what's wrong. That's what they get for having NT servers."

When he left, I checked the back of the computer. As I thought, the wire had gotten pulled out.

[Lady_Simpson]

Death Row in Women's Prison 

  Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"



        If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.  This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.

    It will re-write your hard drive.  Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

    It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.

    It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on  your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

    It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.

    It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

    It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.  Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened criminal.

    It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

    It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their dates and rendezvous to your Visa card. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.

    It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub it will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

    It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

    It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.  These are just a few signs.

Be very, very afraid.



What do you call a fratboy in a suit?
The defendant.

  Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two: one to change the lightbulb, the other not to change the lightbulb! 

[zekeprower]

since the dawn of man. he has wondered about the end of the universe. man has come to believe that it is out in space and that seems logical, but it is wrong. it is here in the U.S.

Oddly enough it is in huston Texas. there is a comedy club known as the Laugh Stop and if you walk to the end of the block there sits a Starbucks and directly across the street in the exact same building is ...

you guessed it. ANOTHER STARBUCKS.

that is the end of the universe.

people have asked me how do i know this. i tell them "Go there and stand between the two Starbucks". i have found that time in that one spot stops.

many people ask "are there two many Starbucks?" do have an answer yet?

can anyone answer this? What demographic could that incident fit with?

i have thought long and hard and have come up with a solution.

People with Azlhimers.
they sit in the one Starbucks sipping a good cup of coffee, get up and walk out the door and say, "Look a Sarbucks, i think it is time for a good cup of coffee."

that my friends is the end of the universe.

[c_nordlander]

*casts Phoenix Down on thread*

I considered it worthwhile to revive this thread simply for a joke I heard today. Very long, but... read and find out.

A man is going to attend a conference and, since he will have to stay overnight, checks in at a hotel. At the stroke of midnight, he is woken by running steps in the corridor. He springs out of bed and throws open the door, just in time to see a naked man sprint down the corridor towards the staircase. Perplexed, he rushes after him, with no other thought in his head than to find out what is going on, but as he is rather untrained, the naked man easily outruns him and disappears in the distance just as he reaches the hotel doors.

Still burning with questions, the man returns home and takes up training. Every day, he goes out to sprint at the local pitch, and eventually reaches quite an impressive average time. He then returns to the hotel.

Just as expected, at 12PM, he hears the footsteps and sees the naked man running down the corridor. Our hero rushes out, eager to finally get some answers, and manages to keep close behind him a bit away from the hotel. However, then they face a low wall. The naked man easily jumps it, but his pursuer has to stop and try to climb it, and by the time he's over, the naked man is long gone.

Confused, but still determined to find out the truth in the matter, the man returns home and starts training in hurdle-racing, until he is quite capable at it. He then returns to the hotel. At midnight, the naked man runs down the corridor. Our hero follows him out of the hotel and easily clears the wall. However, on the other side of the wall is a field stretching far into the distance. The man follows the naked man as best he can, but he's only really good at short-distance sprinting, and soon loses his breath at a long distance.

He returns home, and devotes himself to long-distance and marathon with a rarely-seen enthusiasm. When he considers himself sufficiently trained, he returns to the hotel. As expected, midnight arrives, the naked man runs down the corridor, and our hero follows. He clears the wall, keeps a good pace all through the field... and then, he arrives at a lake. The naked man dives in and swims off towards the opposite shore, but our hero, shamefully, has never learnt to swim at all. For I don't know which time (fourth, actually) he is forced to give up.

He returns home and takes swimming lessons. Soon, he can swim adequately, but he goes down to the local pool every day and trains himself to swim fast. After this, he returns to the hotel. At midnight, the naked man runs down the corridor. Our hero sprints out of the hotel, clears the wall, runs through the field, swims across the lake and arrives bare seconds after the naked man, who then proceeds to climb a tree. His pursuer tries to climb after him, but he is no good at climbing, and again has to give up.

He returns home and starts practising climbing, until he climbs almost at an Olympian standard. He then returns to the hotel. At midnight, the naked man runs down the corridor. Our hero sprints out of the hotel, clears the wall, runs through the field, swims across the lake, and climbs the tree.

The tree is a pine, so is quite tall, but the man doesn't give up. Eventually, he finds the naked man's foot within reach, and reaches up and grabs it.

The naked man says: "Please, let me go!"

Our hero says: "I just want to know why you run naked through the hotel every night."

The naked man says: "I'm not going to tell you. Let go of my foot."

Our hero says: "Come on! I learnt to sprint, jump hurdles, run long-distance, swim and climb just so I could ask you. Why can't you tell me?"

The naked man says: "I just can't tell you. It's not possible. Let go of my foot."

Our hero says: "OK, I'll let go of your foot, once you've told me why."

The naked man says: "I'll tell you, on one condition. You must never tell anyone else."

Our hero says: "All right. I promise never to tell anyone."

And he never did.

THE END.

[Terry Y]

I can't wait for the sequel!