FIC: Beauty Queen Sister (1/1) (G)

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missy_misery
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FIC: Beauty Queen Sister (1/1) (G)

Postby missy_misery » Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:11 am

So I finally wrote a little something! And it's set in the Holidays of Future Past version of continuity :p Hello, completely pointless fluff. I ran this through a quick beta, but posting here first because there's no such thing as a flawless piece.


SUMMARY: Maggie brings her infant daughter home for a visit. The more things change, the more they remain the same.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Tony_Baritone
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Re: FIC: Beauty Queen Sister (1/1) (G)

Postby Tony_Baritone » Tue Jul 30, 2013 1:29 pm

Nitpicks: "stirrs" and "Powell".

Short yet awesome. Loved Maggie as the prophet without honor. Lisa and Bart are funny and dead-on IC, as are the spiritual cameos. Maggie's memories of the foundation of her musical life are the heart and soul of the piece.
c_nordlander
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Re: FIC: Beauty Queen Sister (1/1) (G)

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Aug 03, 2013 10:04 pm

Some nitpicks, apart from the ones Tony pointed out:

A couple of tense changes, which I assume aren't intentional: "spoke", "she'd visited", "there was", "didn't have time".

"Herb Powel created" should be "Powell" (as Tony already pointed out), and also needs a hyphen.

"wiz" should be "whiz"

Obvious typo: "theses streets" should be "these"

That aside, this is a very good story. I haven't seen the episode it's based on, but that wasn't an issue. It especially picked up after the first couple of paragraphs: I liked Maggie's snarkiness about Lisa's very progressive parenting skills, and the description of Bart trying to cope with his first child is great. The characterisation of all three siblings is excellent.

The last three paragraphs are just great. Maggie's various memories feel unique and vivid, and you have some beautiful phrases here, especially at the very end.

So yeah, I don't have any improvements to suggest, except for fixing the tense changes and occasional typoes. This is short, but beautifully written and with great characterisation of Maggie and her siblings. Excellent work!
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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missy_misery
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Re: FIC: Beauty Queen Sister (1/1) (G)

Postby missy_misery » Tue Sep 03, 2013 1:17 am

Thanks so much, guys! I'm really, really pleased that you liked the flavor of the story and the characterization; I'll sift through it for the flaws you found before putting up the final version.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"

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