OPINIONS: A Past with No Future

[Kif White]

Wow! Thank you so much, Chris... I think this is probably the most helpful review you've ever given me, and that's saying something. I'll make some of those changes straight away. Thanks again

[Dagdamor]

Read the first chapter. Heh, from all Futurama fics I've ever read, this one seems to be the most substantial. What I liked here most of all is the descriptions; they are really beautiful and impressing, both in the first part (the runaway) and in the second (at the PE office). Wish I could express my thoughts so good. Planet Express crew members are quite in character IMO, and I liked that moment about their plans for the day-off (especially Leela's one ) Overall, it was very interesting. I'm starting to read the next part right now, hope things will become more clear there

[Dagdamor]

My thoughts about the second chapter

Well, it's very good! Still very descriptive (I'm reading this and almost see what's going on before my eyes). Great characterization - I particularly like Leela here. Only one nitpick I can see here - the plot is still vague, and second part didn't reveal very much for me. Maybe it's just pacing. Need to read more I guess. Great jokes! For example:

Oh, sorry. I guess the young Athena should be using this instead of me.

Yeah, It really sounds like Farnsworth!
Another one (sorry for spoilers, but I liked that moment):

Typical! I go to use the ship's shower for only two hours because the bathroom aboard doesn't smell like Leela's cheap shampoo, and I find myself on a large trip across the universe!

Just LOL, nothing to add.
Great chapter, it was interesting to read it through. And again, I hope things will become clear in the next one, right? Right??

[D.B.]

Past future 4

. It felt like an age to him, so he looked up at the clock in the waiting room.

Might be an idea to break this into two sentences, full stop instead of comma, scrub the 'so'.

Click!

When I first read that, I immediately thought of a normal door with a handle. Is it that or is it a futuristic slidey type one?

"Mister Fry," the Neptunian nurse said with a pleasant voice. "The doctor will see you now."

The word ?pleasant? bugs me a little there. Who finds it pleasant ? Fry, or you the author? However, I know what you mean when you say it, and in truth I was able to pretty much imagine her voice from it, so I guess it can be left.

"I am the doctor," the dog stated in a Spanish accent, making Fry jump. "Doctor Hoek."
"Oh, sorry," Fry said. "I'm from the twentieth century and still adjusting to things that speak here besides humans, parrots and Richard Simmons."

Heh heh. I like that bit.

She nodded and swiftly left the room,

Adverb, but given the context, it's one I think works. Just felt like saying that for once

"What is it, doc?!" Fry asked in a mild panic. "I can take it. Is it malaria?! Toe jam?! Small Pox?! Large Pox?!"

*lol* again. And at the John Travolta bit which follows later.

"Di tumour ees a strange mutation of di generally fatal-if-left spongioblastoma. Eet will be possible to remove it, but for some strange reason a part of her brain has suffered permanent damage from eet.."

What kind of damage here? Tumors can certainly cause damage by applying pressure, this is nothing strange. Is this strange in a different way?

"A damaged brain ees a damaged brain, Señor," the doctor stated. "Eet's not the technology, eet's late detection. Time ees one thing that has not changed."

Never though of that. Nice little observation.

Upon startling awake from the yell, her arms had immediately straightened like rake handles, the gun at the end of them pointed straight ahead, but after just a few seconds of this, she relaxed a bit and looked to her left.

Nice little bit of description, but I wasn't aware of Athena yelling when she woke up - just gasping.

Hugging her sheet-covered knees to her chest, her eyes looked frightened and distant, as she sat up in bed shivering in the long t-shirt Leela had given her to sleep in.

Should be 'looking'. Also, I don't think I like the 'up' - 'sat up' implies she's in the act of sitting up to me.

As they just sat there in an embrace for a while, Leela's mind thought about how Athena seemed to contrast herself.

As opposed to her feet, say . Gosh I'm feeling evil currently...

Before, she was a strong and independent woman who was perhaps even tougher than Leela herself was..

I think 'seemed' is better than 'was' (as if she 'was' that, she wouldn't be crying now, would she?) Also, the stuff in bold doesn't seem like something Leela would think, both in phrasing (third person) and meaning (it seems more like something the reader/author would think). If Leela considered Athena potentially tougher than herself, I think she'd just describe her as seeming 'pretty tough', and let the reader decide what that means coming from someone who's fought off armies of water people.

When the shuddering breaths from Athena had lulled to simple heavy breaths...

Is this passive? I'm not sure, but "When Athena's shuddering breaths had lulled" is more succinct anyway. And I suggest changing 'when' to 'once'.

...Leela disengaged from her and smiled warmly...

Nyet! Nein!

her hands still supportingly on Athena's shoulders.

Hmm...yeah, keep that one.

You may want to alter Leela's retelling of the events of The Sting. Mr and Mrs A. Stute reader already know it - perhaps turn it into a summary, bringing us back in on some final, telling line?

"I had to dim my optics and dentines to avoid detection."

There's something hilarious about dimming his dentines.

"I thought you said you knew Leela's password?"
"I thought I saw her enter it in earlier," Fry groaned. "I would have sworn it was four stars..."

*lol*, and also *lol* at bender being offended by the word 'hack' later

Athena took the two marshmallows from her saucer and plopped them into the warm, umber liquid gently.

Double ack! You can probably get away with using it, but in its current position it looks like you're describing the 'umber liquid' as 'gently'. And I hate to think what liquified gentleness looks like...

The pink and white sweets visibly began to morph from two domes into a sticky skin.

cut again.

This clearly shocked Athena quite roughly

I don't get that at all. Plus it seems unnecessary.

. The doctors thought I'd never make it, and apparently Hermes and the Professor had even been keen to pull the plug because I was costing the company hundreds a day because of health insurance.

*lol*

[D.B.]

The silver-grey sky was like a plate of steel, lined with clouds stroked with the bristles from a mercury paintbrush.

You might say we're...under steel sky ? Seriously, though, I'm fine with this up until you get to the bit about the clouds and mercury paintbrushes, at which point it starts to feel a little purple.

It was late evening on the planet

Evening on an entire world?

...and in an otherwise quiet area a large ship ripping through the air interrupted the relative silence.

You tell us about the quiet twice (relative silence). I'd be tempted to start a new sentence, cutting out the underlined stuff and changing tenses as necessary.

...with a round section at the front and four legs, tucked in for a start.

Eh? '...at the start.' maybe, but even then it seems a little off. I think you styme yourself here by comparing the spaceship to an animal before it really looks like one i.e. while its legs are still tucked in. Maybe make the comparison once its landed.

They soon obtruded out properly...

I'm not sure what properly means here. In the sense that they ended up in the correct place? Wouldn't we assume that anyway?

Athena was still deeply slumbering beside her, luckily facing away from the bright source with cheek nestled into her pillow and a peaceful expression across the face it belonged to.

Cut the stuff in bold.

She scowled at it and gritted her teeth, then stormed out the room swiftly to leave the words upon the sign unobserved by her eye:SEX! NOW THAT WE'VE GOT YOUR ATTENTION, SEX!

I don't like the stuff in bold. It's obvious that once Leela storms out, her eye will no longer be observing the sign. I think you need a different link to what the sign actually says.

I love the two jokes with Amy.

"So, what are we going to do?" Zoidberg queried with a shrug. "Sit here and wait for them to come back?"

This doesn't sound awfully zZoidbergy to me.

"We're in a place filled with gambling, booze, solicited sex, drugs and more gambling," Leela grunted. "And your father is out there somewhere mingling amongst it all."

I'm not quite sure why you go to the trouble of having leela say all this without giving Athena's reaction. I'd either put some kind of response from her in, or maybe cut out the last three paragraphs of this section, ending on Athena entering the cockpit and asking 'What about me?'

"Sure," Zoidberg said. "But how am I in a team?"
"You're not," Leela shrugged. "I just liked saying it that way. Now let's go."

Funniest line of the script so far

Zoidberg headed left as Leela directed, while she took the right a pistol in hand, examining the neon signs as she did.

There's a comma or something missing in there.

"I'd wager that Bender's in there," Leela stated.
"I'll take that bet!" answered a scruffy looking old man with a tattered hat and jacket that appeared on the scene suddenly. "How much?!"

*lol* again.

Both sections were connected to a general bar area, perched not far from the two new entrants just to the left, like some vile space port that provided fuel to them both

puuuuuurrrrple! I'd also drop the 'not far' and move the 'just to the left' in its place - the word 'just' implies the 'not far' bit.

She followed Leela directly behind her.

drop the 'her' and move 'leela' to the end of the sentence.

The sound of his voice halted abruptly there, though his mouth lines continued to move alarmingly..

Again, I think cut out the adverbs and the 'there' makes it more succinct while just as informative.

"Hey, that hurts!" Bender moaned. "If I am hurt, do I not hurt back? If I am done an injustice, do I not get revenge? If I am pricked, do I not bleed?"

I'm sure shakespear would approve

He had dark glasses, wore what looked like black leather and had a handlebar moustache that was the same colour.

black leather...what? All over?

She leapt out of her seat to deal a nasty blow to the guy's lap region with her right boot.

Just say groin and be done with it.

"What else do you want to know about me?" the woman asked him seductively, the look in his eyes equally suggestive.

Did you mean his or hers. Either works, though the latter seems less out of place.

"If I rub you all over, will I get three wishes?" Fry queried, trying to sound suave.

I intend to try that line some time

"Ow! Ow! OW! OW!!" he screeched in pain, but then suddenly smiled. "Wait... is that breasts I feel against my back?" a glance up at the dancer. "Is this part of some kind of act?"

*ROFL*

"Shut up, Fry!" Leela's voice growled into his ear, pouring immense guilt into it.

Again, I think cut the stuff in bold.

"Give me an analysis, Bender," Fry said, holding the cloth towards him.
"I dunno what the hell it is!" the robot mumbled. "Why don't you just taste it like you do with everything else?"

Excellent last joke.

"Don't worry," Leela said with absolute firmness in her voice. "I'm not sure how, but we'll get her back."

This feels a little bit corny. I?d be tempted to end on something bleaker and more hopeless myself.




This is an important chapter in your fic ? for the first time, it?s the planet express crew we know and love who have shaped most of the plot. Up until now I?d had a niggling worrying in the back of my mind that Athena was going to be the driving force throughout ? she has been the most active and interesting individual in the previous chapters - and the rest of the cast basically act as a backdrop. Thankfully, you?ve reassured me here that this isn?t going to be the case, and as such this story is looking potentially much stronger to me. There?s not a lot I think needs changing, either. Maybe you could shorten bits here and there. The only things I don?t like is Fry just happening to find a valuable of baseball card to sell to buy the house in the flashback ? but that?s also pretty minor, and your occasional burst of slightly too florid prose, but they?re pretty few and far between.

Progressing nicely.

[EvilCupcake]

I cant be bothered to review every chapter individually so I'll review the whole damn think.

Minor nitpick; The title is a little cheesy. You do have a tendency to write great fanfics with very crummy titles. I have a few alternate ones you can use;

Daughter From Another Time

The Spawn Of The Mighty One

The Legacy Of The Mighty One

The fic is very compelling to say the least. Fry having a daughter is a popular concept with Futurama fic writers but you gave the old Ken White twist! The story is coming along very nicely, keep it up.

Ed

[Kif White]

Finally... the 5th Chapter is ready after God* only knows how long without anything new.

Hope those of you that choose to read it enjoy it. It's shorter than the others, but I thought I'd split the content of what was to be a single chapter into two, mainly to make getting into it easier after such a long break. Criticize away. 

* = Well... God and anybody unlazy enough to read the date on when I last submitted a chapter.

[missygal21880]

General review:

Well, as usual your OC stands out well.  Your dialouge is, per typical, unquestionably well thought-out and formed.  You mix action with humor well, which is fitting for the fandom's general tenor.  I expect before the ending there'll be a few laughs and a few tears, and a couple of great action sequences - I expect nothing less of your work.

[c_nordlander]

My opinions (only of part of this chapter, though. I'll read more later.)

Starts out good. This is certainly an addictive story.

Writing is... well. It's decent, but I can't help but feel that it's a bit lacklustre. A lot of dialogue, not so much description. I don't really know whether this should be changed somehow.

"Good," Leela answered, before turning to her left.

I can't help but think that the little scene direction is out of place. Just saying that she sprinted off to her left might be better.

The "ambulance" is a funny joke, but I can't help but think that it would work better in a script than in a story. Fry's nervous laugh is good, though.

The flashback is, once more, very interesting. Always nice to get more backstory.

The words "subconscious trance" jar a bit with me, mostly because there's no way I can reconcile the normal (Jungian) meaning of "subconscious" with the concept of "trance". Maybe that's your intention, though.

And the backstory has come full circle... at least, so it seems.

I like the description of the ship.

Funny "Lemmings" joke. Very much in character for Fry.

"No," Bender defended.

OK... this is a case of using a strange "say"-word when just "said" or "replied" would do. (Other than that, it's funny.)

OK... I completely love Bender's magnet-attack (a brilliant spin on an old joke). The "good conscience" scene is pretty funny as well.

to make the hologram flicker out of life.

A bit too long-winded I think. Just "flicker out" would do me.

Er... it's "sapiens", not "sapien". (And I've even seen the same mistake somewhere else recently.)

"So... I take that as a yes?" Bender queried, his voice returning to normal.

Funny line, but I don't know whether you need to tell us that he lays off the accent.

the other four crewmembers watched and waited impatiently.

The following dialogue makes "impatiently" actually funny, rather than just a useless adverb. Good! I love Fry's line.

"Shut up, Zoidberg!" echoed both Fry and Leela's voices.

This bit of dialogue is funny, but "echoed" sounds a bit weird, since neither Fry nor Leela is echoing the other.

I like the bagel/beagle line.

"Welcome to the future," Nibbler said to him in words caught in a flow of impatience.

I don't really see the point of "caught in a flow of impatience". Surely it can be rephrased in a simpler way.

To be continued...

[Kif White]

My opinions (only of part of this chapter, though. I'll read more later.)

Starts out good. This is certainly an addictive story.

Writing is... well. It's decent, but I can't help but feel that it's a bit lacklustre. A lot of dialogue, not so much description. I don't really know whether this should be changed somehow.

Thanks for your review, Chris. And, more importantly, your honesty.

I too feel that there is a bit of weakness to this part personally, which I think stems from the fact that it was written here and there over a long period of time, and certain parts were kind of just written-for-the-sake-of-getting-there if you know what I mean? I still submitted it here though because I thought that maybe you (meaning both you specifically and anybody else willing to R&R this...) may be able to help me with making those weaker areas stronger. I think the major gaps in the writing do definitely show in this part, but with some work I can fix that. And this first bit of a review is certainly a good start for me. Thanks again. 

P.S. I really need to read something of yours again too, as I have promised myself to. So I insist you tell me if and/or when you need an opinion on something and I shall endeavor to assist you forthwith.

[c_nordlander]

@Kenneth: I'm really glad to be of help. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited to see you writing more of this story (and would have read this chapter much earlier, university permitting). And I certainly know how you feel in regard to being stuck in a story.

Don't take my harsh critique too much to heart. I haven't really reviewed anything in a while, and might be more nitpicky than usual. Then again, I also expect a lot from you nowadays, so I guess you could see that as flattering.

I always want opinions.  However, I haven't really posted any fanfics since "The Mute and the Norm", which you very helpfully reviewed. There is my entry in the Writing Competition, of course. Also, if you really want to, you could check out two original short stories in The Creative Pen ("Summanus" and "Palmyra").

Anyway, to continue my opinions...

One I forgot:

Hsssssssssssss...

OK, I really don't like sound effects written out like this, but I'm sure it's a taste thing.

Sylvester Stallone is funny. (Hey, that's a first!)

Nibbler rolled his eyes as the confused action star stumbled out the room and prepared to close the door on Fry's chamber.

Desperately needs a comma after "room", or the reader will think it's Stallone who prepares to close the door.

Fry's eyes flashed wide, causing him to look around rapidly.

I'm in two minds about this. For all my opinions about adverbs, "rapidly" really does serve the description here, but on the other hand, it seems like a very strange adverb to qualify "look". I know what you mean with it, but I still think some other word should be used.

"I am not doing anything. Merely undoing things."

Good line!

The business with the beer can is pretty great.

And that was his final words before seeing only a closing door, and a bright flash.

Good!

As for the ending: very intriguing, indeed, and certainly not anything near what I might have expected. Can't wait to see where this is going.

To sum up: nice continuation, and it's good to see that your story doesn't need to have Athena always in the centre. It's short, but you've explained why, so I don't have a problem with it. My main problem remains the writing: it just feels a bit rushed, with everything else taking a back seat to dialogue (and a lot of it expository dialogue as well). When you actually describe something, like the Warthorn ship, it turns out good.

Most of the pieces in the backstory are in place, now, and some backstory it is. I ended up feeling quite sad over Sibella and the children, and Fry's reaction before going back into the tube was sympathetic. The bit about Sibella's disease and the part it had to play was nice as well. Everyone seems to be in character. On the comedy side, quite some funny lines and banter, plus one moment which would become a classic if it had been on the show (your twist on the running magnet joke). Good luck with the next part, and keep them coming.

[Kif White]

Okay, here's a song parody I was going to put in the next chapter. The gist of it is, a bunch of Jaffa from Stargate are going to be singing this at a sporting event. The song it parodies is "All Star" by Smash Mouth, btw. I just want to get an idea if it works well.

Somebody once told me my god is gonna rule me
I'd better bow down before I'm dead
I'm gonna get some armour and a cool staff weapon
And the symbol of my god on my forehead

Well the worlds start dropping and you don't stop coming
Shoot all the peasants as you watch 'em all running
Didn't make sense for them all to run
One shot from a Zat and your body gets numb
So much to kill so much to see
So what's wrong with the odd "Jaffa Kree?"
You'll never know if there's no foe
You might even see your god's eyes glow

Hey now, you're a Jaffa, get your big staff, go slay
Hey now, you're a Jaffa, get the show on, then pray
And all that glitters is Goa'uld
Only ruling stars is more bold

[missy_misery]

Glad to hear this one's still alive and kicking!