OPINIONS: Wings

[Dagdamor]

Well, here is my Lisa-related story.

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Please keep in mind two things: first, the story is already written, but not translated yet, so I will post remaining parts as soon as they will appear in English. And second, when I named this story as "Wings", I didn't know there is another story with the same title here. I've honestly tried to make another name, as Chris suggested me to, but finally gave up, so you can call it as you wish. I hope it doesn't matter.

And thanks again to Chris and Vika.

EDIT: Since Chris has referred to my thread (thank you! ), and the attachments are almost unreadable due to the ugly formatting, I'm deleting them all and putting the link to the formatted version of the story.

EDIT 2: Fixing the link above... d'oh.

[capadde]

I'm amazed so many read this thread, while not responding. But I'm glad to be the first to do so.

As for starters, a change of name of the story would be good, as you said. It somewhat tells the reader what to come, especially after the accident. It'd be better if it surprised the reader, imo.

I'm not one to judge a story, since I'm neither an experience writer or reader, but this was quite good, I think. The language is not the best, especially in the beginning, the grammar needs improvement. The plot is ok, but I guess that it isn't very developed yet.

Now, the biggest problem I see with this story is that some of the characters are out of characters. Lisa is ok, but Marge, Bart and Homer are not perfect. I can't really say why, or how to improve it (see beginning of the previous paragraph), but I somehow feel that they don't act like they should.

Except for this, the story is good, and I look forward to reading more. It's not bad, not at all, it was well worth the time it took to read and review.

[Kif White]

Okay, read this myself now too. I must say, not a bad story... not bad at all. The premise is certainly an interesting one, though I have to agree with capadde, giving a slightly different title may be a good idea, not just because a story already called "Wings" exists, but for a bit more subtlety's sake.

Main issues: a few sentences read a little strange, e.g. the line "We've been talking this to you so many times" reads oddly, I think there's a word missing or something? There's a few more like this, and I can give specifics if you like, but if you reread through you'll probably pick them up. Characterisation is, as capadde also noted, a bit suspect in some areas. Marge is very well done, and Lisa is fairly good, but Bart and Homer seem a bit off, the latter being a bit too serious and seemingly bright for Homer. I wouldn't call any of them really OOC, I'd just say missing the mark a bit. In fact, in some ways, their actions remind me a lot more of Season 1 style Simpsons, with even the plot showing shades of "The Telltale Head" and "The Call of the Simpsons" here and there. In some ways, I actually found it kind of nice... took me back to those really early episodes, which were different but still nice. I liked Bart and Lisa playing frisbee for some reason a lot too, seemed like a good thing for them to do, and also set things up well.

The plot twist itself is nice, and I am definitely wondering where this is going to be taken from here. So you're doing a good job in the storytelling department.

Overall, I'd just say go through some editing, maybe change the title, tweak Homer and Bart a bit (make Homer a little more oafish and Bart a little more mischevious) and then you'll have a really great opening chapter on your hands.

[c_nordlander]

My opinions on characterisation and plotting, this time:

I agree with the previous reviewers, the characterisation needs a little bit of tweaking, particularly that of Homer, though Lisa and Marge are good. (Though I realise that a lot of characterisation lies in the dialogue, which can come off as weak when translated. I should know.)

Something I really should have pointed out while beta-reading: in English, the "said" verb in a dialogue tag will most usually go after the pronoun, though the other way around can work. So, "he whispered" or "Marge cried" after a piece of dialogue, for example.

There could be a bit more description, though I like what there is, particularly the final bit with Bart and the feather.

The plotline is very interesting. It reminds me a little bit of Stan's "A Lesson Learnt" (well, I can't really mention "Wings" here, can I? ), but that's just a mood thing. In fact, it's very dramatic, and I really look forward to seeing where it's going. You definitely show promise, at the very least.

You're welcome to send the next chapter to me for beta-reading anytime you like.

In case you want suggestions for a new title: how about "The Miracle"? You can probably think of something better, I don't know...

[missygal21880]

Very dramatic, very sweeping; I actually want more of this before I can make a solid review of it...

Missy

[Dagdamor]

Thank you very much, guys! I've read your opinions very carefully, and tried to apply your suggestions in the second part. Especially language things, although, you know, my English is not good enough to determine if that particular sentence sounds good or not. In fact, in English I can only understand, not express (look at the text under my avatar!). I can only imagine how could my story look without Chris' help.

As for the characterization, Kenneth, you're absolutely right. I tried to characterize Simpsons family like they were in the older seasons, where Homer wasn't so dumb, and Bart wasn't so indifferent to his sister. It was just a try, I hope it didn't cause an OOC in result.

The story title... I don't know what to do. How it is to rename your own child? But I will think about it again then the whole story will appear, I promise.

Here is the second part. Sorry it took so long.

[c_nordlander]

My review of the artistic side of things. First of all, compliments to Vika. Her English is even better in this chapter.

About possible retitling: don't stress it. Of all the things to change in a story, the title is probably the easiest, in my opinion.

So... I like this chapter, and think the story is picking up nicely. There is a good sense of plot movement, and it makes me interested to see where it's heading. Maybe, just maybe, Lisa learns to control her wings a bit too quickly. Then again, you don't just skim through her difficulties with it.

Characterisation is very good here (though granted, Homer isn't in it much), apart from Bart possibly being a little too considerate and mature, particularly when talking Lisa through in the end. Then again, it's nice to see him act like that to his sister. Also, Milhouse's reaction is a bit extreme, but he's in love with Lisa, so I guess that explains some.

Also, now I finally understand the square-cubed law. Thank you!

There are some very nice descriptions, particularly Lisa touching the wing and feeling her own hand on it, the family meal, and her dream. Her thoughts alternate with the descriptions in a very, how shall I put this, realistic manner. In fact, your characterisation of Lisa is the real gem of this story.

On the downside, the writing itself (much as I hate saying this about a translated story) could do some work. You use an awful lot of adverbs, particularly in dialogue tags. I know this is a temptation for a beginning writer (and after that stage, too), but very often, adverbs can be dispensed with. Most of the time, your readers will sense the speaker's emotion from the words themselves. For example:

"Wow, Lis," Bart said excitedly. "You look awesome!"

The "wow", the words themselves, and the exclamation mark more or less show that Bart is speaking excitedly. If, on the other hand, Bart had been saying this sarcastically, you might have needed to point that out.

To sum up, adverbs aren't much use most of the time. I suggest going through every word ending in "-ly" (or the Russian equivalent) with a marker pen, and considering deleting them unless you feel they actually add something.

Other than that, I don't have very many complaints. Milhouse is a bit too wimpy, like I said, and the "learning to control her wings" scene, well-written as it is, seems a bit too short and pat. (A bit like hypnosis scenes in all Hollywood films, really.) Also, I'm really in two minds about Marge blow-drying Lisa's wings after her bath. I know now that you got the idea of this story from Marco's artwork, and there's nothing wrong about that. I just felt very uneasy reading that scene and having flashbacks to "Wings" all the time.

Apart from those niggles, though, this story is getting better by the moment. I wish you all luck with it, and will of course continue proofreading it for you.

[Dagdamor]

Thank you very much, Chris. Your review is very helpful and nice as usual.

particularly Lisa touching the wing and feeling her own hand on it

You're the first person who noticed that

I suggest going through every word ending in "-ly" (or the Russian equivalent) with a marker pen, and considering deleting them unless you feel they actually add something.

Good advice, I will do that.

[missygal21880]

This is still very touching; I can't add much more than Chris did, vis a vis what to correct.

Missy

[Kif White]

Read part two now, and am wondering what I can add that Chris hasn't said already, since I pretty much agree with her.

The first scene is very nice, where she wakes up and Marge comforts her. Nice use of emotion to start things off with.

The second, with Lisa contemplating flying and whether it was scientifically viable, is also good. You've got Lisa's mindset down well here.

Homer's first line is good, reminds me of the kind of funny yet touching lines he'd say in the early seasons. The family's reactions to what Lisa said seem to fit, though I think Marge would also urge Lisa to be careful and not do anything too dangerous when trying to fly.

The scene with Milhouse is nicely done too, and Milhouse seems in character too. Sorry to disagree with you there Chris, but I think he'd be concerned for Lisa's safety after what happened to her, and then be extra worried when he wan't allowed to see her and jump to conclusions. I don't think his reaction is too extreme... I mean, Milhouse cries when he cutshimself, skins his knee or does long division and has a remainder left over.

Lisa's nightmare is very nice too. Very eerie and symbolic.

I chuckled to myself when Bart pulled that prank on Lisa too

The second thing I don't agree with Chris on is that I don't think Lisa got the use of her wings too quickly... in fact, she only just managed to move them, she hasn't actually learnt to properly use them yet. That's quite a big difference, IMHO. And you clearly put across how much effort she was putting into it.

Other than that, what's been said is about right. It just needs cleaned up a little in areas. Bart's characterisation is a bit iffy, and perhaps adding the fact that he might find the wings cool and wants to see Lisa flying around might make a bit more sense than him simply caring for her. A nice mix of both would be nice I think. Overall, keep up the good work.

[D.B.]

I find myself faced with a difficult choice here.

First let me say, your English is very good. I'm continually impressed by the way some members of this board can write/read better English than many US/UK writers I've found on the 'net. But at the same time there are quite a few little errors in this - and most of them are things you'll simply learn to spot yourself through more experience.

So I'm not going to go through them all. If you want me to just say, I wouldn't mind at all (though it may take me a while). But for now, I'm just going to talk about other stuff, and ignore any little slips you've made.

(Before we get started proper, Chris is right about adverbs. I hate them myself, as some people will testify. Any words ending in '-ly' you really should try and cut.)

Part 1

This Sunday summer day at the Simpsons' house started like they always did. They had just come from the hated church. Homer, Bart and Lisa changed their clothes and were discussing the quick way to forget about all that stuff that Reverend Lovejoy had been feeding them for last hour and a half. Marge was watching them disapprovingly.

This bit I like. It's a little similar to "In Marge we trust". That's good and bad. Good, because it means you're acting in a similar way to a proper, cannon episode. Bad, because, well...we've seen it before. On balance I say keep it in - I particularly liked the way they actually talk about 'the quick way to forget' .

"Mom, the Sunday you'll stop making us visiting church, you'll hear nothing like it, I promise," said Bart, grinning. "I would just like to live up to that great day..."

This bit with Bart I really like - to me it sounds almost just like him.

"Well, we won't say 'no', too!" yelled Bart and Lisa together.

Again, I really like the sentiment here (though phrasing is a little off). To me this is exactly the sort of thing they'd shout in some of the earlier seasons, which is nice to see.

"Yep, you're right," answered Homer then she asked it. "We have totally nothing to do."

Nice line from Homer. part of me wonders if it might not be funnier to have him shout this without Marge asking. That is, she stares into the living room, wondering if they're going to do this all day, and Homer notices her and shouts this comment as if reading her mind. It's quite a 'later season' type joke I know, but to me it would be a good one.

"Let's go out of these walls." Homer looked displeased. "Oh, I've got a wonderful idea! Let's have a picnic! Let's drive somewhere in the forest and... Homey, stop watching me like that..."

That last line kills me. *lol*

"Great idea!" said Lisa. "But remember, we have to take all garbage with us before leaving. We'll behave like Indians, taking the bounty of nature without hurting it."

for someone speaking a foreign language, you write Lisa's speech very well.

"Here we go again, Lisa..." yawned Bart. "But I'm not against it. We have nothing to do at home, even TV shows only boring stuff."

The words in bold I don't like - it sounds very cliche. The underlined stuff I don't mind, but you might be able to think of something better if you tried. Doesn't sound especially like Bart to me.

They were on the way in half an hour. Homer had promised to get them in a wonderful place in Springfield hills, having told them that there would be a nice view of Springfield from there. Turning from Evergreen Terrace up to Central Street he hoped not to stick in a jam.

Fortunately, roads were clear.

The stuff in bold is a little pointless. Why tell us he was hoping for something, and it came true? Either you need to give it a reason to be there (give Homer some kind of funny line about traffic jams, for example), or just tell us the roads were clear and they got there quickly (leaving out the stuff about homer hoping not to get stuck).

The Simpsons drove by the giant letters "SPRINGFIELD", by the lemon tree, the local symbol which had almost caused a war between Springfield and Shelbyville, and crossed the dam.

Cut the stuff in bold. Fans know this already.

Homer was right - this place was really nice. A big glade opened a wonderful view at the town, the thick forest was on the background. The air was crystal pure and fresh. The Simpsons went out of the car, made a deep breath and started unpacking their things.

One thing I'm wondering; how does homer know about this place? It's not vital that you tell us. But it might be a nice idea.

Lisa looked at Springfield. She could easily see the chimneys of the power plant where her dad worked, the ring of the monorail, her house and school... She could even see a burning tire heap, one of the Springfield's questionable sights, though it was on the opposite part of the town. It was really a fantastic view.

I like the way you subtly associate Lisa with high up places while her family all sit back. Nicely gets the reader in the mood for what's to come.

Finally, Bart got up, went to the car's trunk and took a plastic frisbee from it.

I agree with Kenneth here - there is something indefinably good about having them play frisbee.

"Lisa, take it!" He threw the frisbee to Lisa. She staggered back and just barely caught it.

"Oh yeah? Take it back!" She swung her arm and threw the frisbee back to him.

You need to say something stronger than "Lisa, take it!" in my opinion. Otherwise Lisa's retort of "Oh yeah? Take it back!" falls a little flat.

"Look out Lisa!" cried Bart suddenly. Lisa jumped once again and caught the frisbee.

"What's there?" She looked back and turned cold. The well-known Springfield Gorge was a few feets from Lisa. There were rumors in the school that this gorge had no bottom. Just think, a few steps, and she could fall down...

"Don't worry, Bart," responded Lisa, stepping back from the edge and throwing the place once more. "I'm..."

She couldn't finish her phrase. A huge layer of ground worn by erosion chopped off and slowly fell into the gorge, taking Lisa with it.

This is too sudden for me. You start by giving us a false alarm, when Bart shouts for Lisa to be careful - but then, only five lines later, you have the ground give way, and Lisa falls down anyway. There's no build up - and the false alarm before hand means there's no surprise either. There's also the question of why was Lisa so close to the edge? I can't imagine her ignoring something like that so easily.
I'd be much happier if they went to the edge on purpose (Bart dares Lisa to go look over it, maybe?), or perhaps Lisa is getting frustrated by Bart being better at throwing the frisbee and really tries to catch this one (getting too close to the edge and causing the ground to collapse in the process). Just food for thought.

"It's all my fault," groaned Marge then they went a little away. "It was my idea to make a picnic. If I hadn't made that suggestion, she would be alive."

I like the family’s reactions immediately after Lisa falls. They all seem pretty apt, without becoming too cliched. They also manage to indicate the passage of time without deadening the emotional impact of the event itself, which is a good thing .

There will be a ceremony at the church, Lovejoy will make a silly speech for the mob around, with every person indifferent to his sister's fate.

Mob is a very good word to use there, IMHO.

[D.B.]

She tried to lift up Lisa from ground, but realized that she wasn't able to do it.

"I'll do it," said Bart. Marge nodded, got up and stepped backwards to Homer, who was still staying holding Maggie in his arms.

I've got two problems here
1) You're not supposed to move people who've been injured. And I think Marge would probably know this - or at least someone in the family would. It's possible they might not, though, so I won't pursue this too far.
2) Why the heck is Marge letting Bart try and lift her? He's a ten year old boy - if she wants someone strong to lift Lisa, she would get Homer. Even more than that, though, I think Marge would get very protective of Lisa at this point, and be reluctant to let anyone she didn't trust 100% do anything - and much as she loves Bart, she doesn't trust him 100% on this kind of thing.

"It's a miracle," she said.

"I don't believe in such stuff," responded Bart.

"There is no another explanation... God has given her wings so she could save herself. It's a real miracle."

"Mom, please, don't start it again..."

"Bart! We all know that I'm the only person in this family who really believes in God. Now I've got one more proof of his existence. It's up to you whether to believe me or not. But you'd better try to explain it your own way before objecting me, young man!"

"Okay, Marge. Let's think that it's a miracle," said Homer coming towards them. "But what shall we do now?"

Again, i think this is too-oooooo fast. I can understand Marge's initial "it's a miracle!" response. I can also understand Bart saying he doesn't believe in that kind of stuff. But after that, no-one makes any attempt to try and figure out what else it could be. No-one checks to see if the wings are really attached to her, for example. She might have landed on a bird, and it's gotten squashed and stuck to her back, for example - sure, it's a long shot, but it's much more likely than someone growing a set of wings as they fall down a cliff.
There's also no period where Homer and Bart try to adjust to the idea. Marge announces "Now I've got one more proof of his existence.", and Homer immediately humors her and begins to try and figure out what to do next. There's no pause, no moment of speechlessness. Instead, they all instantly adapt to probably the most earth shattering experience anyone could face. Which means that all the stuff which follows sounds a little out of place.
Slow down here. This is one of the biggest moments this fic will probably have. Savour it.

"Are you kidding? Look, Marge, let's imagine what will happen when we get Lisa to the hospital. Rumors about a little girl with wings will spread around the town instantly. She will be chased by the photographers and newsmen, everyone will be staring at her. Her life will be ruined. Do you really want it?"

I'm not quite convinced.
First of all, this seems an awfully intelligent thing for Homer to say so soon after seeing Lisa with her wings. Remember the time Lenny called him slow?
Secondly, i think his natural protectiveness of his kids would probably override his worries about the newspapers seeing her. Heck, I think he might be glad of the idea of Lisa being famous for having wings. I'd be much happier if it was Marge who worried about this sort of thing here. I'd also be happier if Marge was more opposed to the idea of skipping hospital.
My suggestion - Dr Nick's clinic, as seen in "My sister, my sitter". That way, Marge can be assured that a medical professional has seen to Lisa and she's not seriously injured, and also Dr Nick will keep his mouth shut, meaning the media won't get involved (and you won't have to change the stuff you've probably got planned for later in the story )

The way back was very long. When they arrived the highway leading to the town, the sky turned dark.

Hmm...how long have they been away? I mean, they left in the morning - have they really been at the gorge all day?

Homer drove the car silently, Marge gradually fell asleep holding Maggie in her arms - there wasn't enough room for her on the back seats. Bart was sitting there, Lisa's head lying on his knees and staring at her wings.

No, no and no. Marge would not just 'fall asleep' such a short time after almost losing one of her kids. She would just be too worked up. I also find it surprising she's not the one in the back seat, as opposed to Bart - again, this seems to be a lot of trust to put in him, given his past record.


Part 2

The feeling of eternity around was gradually disappearing. Only darkness stayed, one that made her feel more uncertain than calm. She felt herself lying on something soft. Reminiscences suddenly rushed into her mind. She remembered that sunny Sunday morning, their trip into nature, their play with Bart on the glade, herself falling down into the abyss... She started and opened her eyes. Bright light blinded her.

I quite like this bit. I worry that it reads much more like someone waking up in the morning than regaining consciousness (whenever I've been unconscious, I seem to remember waking up all at once) - but I guess that's not really a problem.

"You're at home, in your bed. We brought you here yesterday. You've been unconscious for the whole night. How are you, honey?"

Again, I can't help but feel Marge would have been more concerned by this, and maybe call a doctor. Or has the fact Lisa's apparently been subject to a miracle (and so will probably not be left to die now) reassured her?

"You're lucky you've got neither fractures nor serious injuries... "

Again, how does Marge know this?

[D.B.]

Marge looked at her shoes, as if they could answer that question.

I like that line, though - a slightly different way of saying a pretty common thing.

Unable to believe her eyes, she carefully stroked the wing with her right hand, felt its warmth... and simultaneously *felt the touching of her hand*.

I agree that that is a very nice detail to include. Maybe Lisa could do with a bit more of a reaction to it though? Let out a little shriek, or pull her hand away perhaps?

"But how?! Oh my God, I'm doomed... please help me, mommy! If someone ever knows..."

Ack, this again. I just don't think the idea that "someone might find out" is the first thing Lisa/Homer/the rest of the family would instantly worry about. I suspect that keeping Lisa's wings a secret is something you're going to use later on, and are therefore setting us up for now. But you need to find a slightly better way to do so - give the characters more time to think and realise the problem, instead of having them jump to the same conclusion you have.

"Thanks, mom," she said gratefully. "Well, it seems I have to start a new life..."

Again, I think this is much too soon for her to be thinking such things. She needs time to think.

Well, she thought finally, maybe there is nothing odd in it. Only in fairy tales a hero could use any acquired ability at once, as if he had always had it.

Well, after nagging you about having the characters realise things a little too quickly for my liking, I thought I'd just point out this section. Here you manage to have her come to the necessary conclusion much more believably. So you can do it - you just need to make sure you do it every time.

The lifting ability of any wing depends on its size squared; and the weight of any object depends on its size cubed. Starting from certain point, the weight began dominate and a flight came to be a mere fantasy.

There are other, more biological reasons too - but there's no reason to automatically assume Lisa would know this. In fact, leaving a bit of a gap in her knowledge makes her sound more like a smart eight year old than a mini adult (an easy trap to fall into), which is a good thing.

"I guess so... come in, mom," Lisa answered. Marge entered the bathroom, looked at Lisa and suddenly giggled.

"Oh, honey, you look so nice..."

Initially this bit with Marge bugged me a little. It just felt indefinably out of character, especially the giggling bit. However, after thinking about it, I've decided it's probably just fine. Marge is generally quiet about her religion, so it's easy to forget how deep her beliefs go (immortalised in the line "Homer please don't make me choose between my man and my god, because you just can't win" in Homer the Heretic). Once I thought to factor this in, her behaviour throughout this part of the story seemed to make much more sense - she probably would be able to accept what’s happened much more easily, even enjoy it, while the average person (who we will assume thinks along more secular lines) is still struggling to come to terms with the idea.

"You know, mom, I feel so embarrassing now... These wings bring so much trouble. It seems I turn to be a problem."

This seems a little too guilty to feel over just drying her wings once. Especially the "so much trouble" bit. I don't really think she's had them long enough to actually cause any real trouble.

"Wow, Lis," Bart said excitedly. "You look awesome!"
...
"Well, Lisa," Homer said thoughtfully, "I must admit - I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life. Maybe," he added dreamily, "except that huge donut the guy on the top of the donut shop holds... no, you're more beautiful, Lisa. You definitely are."

Marge feeling this way I can understand. Bart and Homer though...no, not quite. Bart in particular. He's much more in character a couple of lines later, when he asks her when they'll "see your first flight". But their initial reactions I think need a little work.

"Books, shmooks..." Homer sniffed finally. "If I were you, I would never worry about such a stuff."

heh heh - that's such a good Homer line.

The Simpsons were sitting at the table in the dining-room. They were eating and chatting as usual. Bart and Homer argued loudly, Marge tried to calm them down.

Hmm - would they really act as if nothing had happened so soon? I know you explain it later with the "afraid of you and envy you" line, but it still bothers me. I think the whole situation would be much more awkward, with the rest of the family still being very curious but trying not to stare and make Lisa feel uncomfortable, and Lisa feeling uncomfortable anyway because she's fully aware that they're trying to do this.

This was it, Lisa thought. Now he would come in and see her... but instead she heard Milhouse running down the street and crying loudly.

I don't mind this line either - it feels like something we would see in a later season, but not in a bad way.

Then she laid on the bed without changing the clothes and closed her eyes.

Does having wings make this any more difficult? Does she take any extra care doing so? Might be nice details to include.

Lisa climbed on the window-sill trying not to lose the balance and carefully stepped on a tree branch that grew near the house.

Again, I've got to wonder if having wings makes this any more difficult to do.

"Lisa..." suddenly a solemn voice answered her, coming somewhere from above. Lisa jumped.

"Is that you, Bart?" she asked. Bart jumped on the ground, looking almost guilty.

I *loved* Bart's prank here. If I were DJ I'd be raiding my big bag of smilies right now.

Lisa already felt it by herself... it was only the beginning, now she knew how to do it, and there was no need to strain herself at all... She tried again, much more gently, and made her wings spread wide and fold back. Bart watched this with amazement.

My opinion falls somewhere between Chris and Kenneth here. I have no problem with her figuring out how to move her wings so quickly (the method you came up with, of straining all her muscles to try and catch the correct ones, was good enough for me to believe this ), but I do think the bit where they "spread wide and fold back" isn't as believable. It seems like too much control for her to get so soon. I think they'd probably move a bit randomly at first. Or maybe more like a baby who's still learning how to reach out and pick things up, and is therefore quite clumsy. Just a little tweak, and I'll be happy with this.

"Lisa, you know, it's hard for me to say this... but I'm proud of you."

This sounds a little out of character to me.





Okey doke, that's about it. In general I'm interested to see where this is going to go - if only because you haven't really told us yet, just set us up with an interesting premise .

Problems:

1) Pacing/sudden realisations
I've pointed out where I think the problems are - basically, in places, I think you've pushed the characters to come to certain conclusions too quickly (in particular, the idea that they must hide Lisa from the press at all costs). This has the effect of making them act a little out of character, and also confuses the reader slightly. None of them, however, should be hard to fix.

2) Characterisation
Characterisation does falter occasionally. Most of your problems areas come when Homer/Bart/Marge are interacting with Lisa IMHO. Just take extra care with these parts.

3) Language
Yeah, I know, English is only your second language. But at some point, maybe once you've finished translating the whole thing, it would be a good idea to ask someone who's fluent in English to go through it and point out little problem areas. On the bright side, no bits were especially difficult to understand - just a little muddled.

Good stuff:

1) Characterisation
We get the odd line which doesn't fit - but most of the time I was really very impressed. Bart's joke where he pretended to be god was a scream, just because it was *so* in character. Homer's generally a loveable boob as he should be - I prefer him in your fic to how he's portrayed in many of the more recent episodes. Lisa's continually good. Marge has the occasional problem (mostly just after they discovered Lisa in part 1) but in general I like the way she's reacted Lisa's transformation.
If anything, problems are the exception rather than the rule. Just throw in a couple of new lines for Bart and i think you'll be fine.

2) Incidental details
There are a few good ones - Lisa feeling her hand touching her own feathers, the extra weight of them when wet making it harder to get out the bath, etc. Lisa's explanation of the square-cubed law was just the right length and interesting despite being quite a dry subject matter. Bart's method for helping Lisa figure out how to move her wings was also good - I could believe him thinking it up, and it also gave you a quick way to get her moving them.

3) Lisa's got wings!
No explanation needed

[Dagdamor]

Wow, thank you very much for your feedback! (2Pat: I've never seen longer reviews before. It was VERY helpful, seems the first part needs to be completely rewritten... later. )

Here is the third part. And again, my endless thanks to Chris.

[OARRIAGA2001]

I have no words to describe your story...... its wonderfull, althought there are some mistakes in characterization, and some flaws in sentences, the plot is quite understandable. oh WHO AM I Kidding I love it, i´m planning to ilustrate "lisa fitzgerald" from Jenny from beginning to end; so i´m practicing the characters to begin next year, but I will illustrate this one too, thanks for allowing me to do this Dagdamor

best regards,

and keep on the astonishing job