Simpspin! A fanfic I'm working on...

[Ekko]

Okay guys, here's the deal; I'm new and I don't understand this crazy system. I tryed to write down my first chapter but the computer said it was too long, so here's ch.1 if anybody cares to read...

Simpspin
Ch. 1 – Questions and Answers

   The sun was down and the moon shown brightly through the foggy mist that enveloped the lake. Visibility was nearly non existent, but faint gurgling sounds could be heard off in the distance, growing louder and louder as it creap ever closer to the muddy shoreline. As time passed, the gurgling noise started to become more acute, now sounding more like splashing that chilled Lisa to the bone.
   Lisa Marie Simpson, who was a reasonably attractive young woman in her early twenties, was wearing a pure white silk cloak reaching from her neck down to her feet. Her blond hair in a wild mass that eventually reached to the small of her back, securely held down by a ring of pearls that gave the impression of a halo, a rather sadly out of place site she was standing in the wet muck overlooking nothingness.
   Fighting off the sense of fright and struggling to see what loomed in the milky abyss, slowly inching its way towards her. Almost instinctively, she reached for her holstered FN Five-SeveN pistol at her hip, but shockingly, found it wasn’t there. Neither was her combat knife, and she began to feel totally naked and exposed without her gear. Panicking, she tried to take a few steps back to recover her sense of rational thinking, but found there was no solid matter to support her bare feet, almost as if she had been standing at the edge of a cliff without even knowing it.
   Regaining her footing, her only remaining option was to wait for whatever it was that was after her, either good or bad. She ever so silently whispered a quick prayer that was barely audible and focused herself in the standard karate attack/defence position, thinking that if she goes down, might as well go down fighting.
   Fighting, she despised that word, it had consumed her life since the Springfield raid and hostile takeover after the two nuclear reactors blew. Fighting and running ever since she was nine, it had split apart the family she loved; it took her town away, destroyed her future, and killed her brother.
   Untamed torments of painful thoughts clouded her mind, but she refused to give in to its burden. Her mouth was dry, her fingers were trembling, and her veins were pumping. Clenching her fists ever harder as they slowly became white from lack of blood circulation.
   The splashing sound suddenly stopped, and for that brief moment, it was calm. The constant spray of the tides ceased, the tranquil breeze was no
more, the world had ended, and it was a welcome symphony to Lisa’s ears, but there was no denying the inevitable. It was soon followed up by an odd thump, like wood against wood, then a piercing clenching sound, followed by what seemed like footsteps. Lisa’s heart raced as she desperately began probing her mind for a cause and effect, comparing probability scenarios and choosing the wisest course of action, but none came, it was hopeless.
   Things were only made worse when she heard the shrill metallic slicing sound as a sword was being carefully drawn from its scabbard with the delicacy as if it were made of porcelain as the footsteps grew louder. The faint gleam of polished steel shining through the blinding fog as the stature of a man came into view. It was difficult to make out much at the distance and the haze, but Lisa figured he was somewhere in his mid-twenties and reasonably cut, although his flesh was well covered by an almost medieval style armour, but with a modern twist. As he inched his way forward, Lisa could distinguish a few key features; a long white cape waving in the non existent wind, a pearl shield with an abnormally dull shine to it, and a pendent hanging from his neck that looked eerily familiar. His entire attire was a jet white colour, sleek and rigid. But the most frightening aspect was his face, covered by an ancient looking white and black mask with a circular design on it, the Yin Yang.
   “Alright pal, not another step.” Lisa seemed to squeal, but slowly and surely, her confidence grew, as if it came from nowhere. “I mean it now” she bellowed, now standing tall, breasts protruding outwards to their full extent, like a viper puffing itself up to intimidate its foe.
   The mystery man’s march continued un-relented, never slowing as he came ever closer to Lisa, sword and shield raised in the slash pose. Finally, it hit her, an idea, a long shot at the very best. As the man’s hawk like gaze focused on her own, he didn’t notice Lisa’s bare right foot scanning the muddy ground for a rock, a stick, anything she can use as a weapon. The man was only feet away, and time was running out, Lisa knew she was playing her lone pawn against an army; the odds were heavenly against her favour, but it was her single chance of salvation. The man was in arms length now, suddenly stopping to hold Lisa’s acid stare. Not a second too late, Lisa felt something solid below her foot dug deep in the mud. On the first try, it didn’t budge. The man, blissfully unaware what she was up to, failed to detect the little twitch in her eye as she finally snapped the root out of the ground and kick-whipped it, straight towards his face. Lisa had to admit, her reflexes were fast, but they were woefully out of this man’s league, some how mustering up the speed to cut the flying root in two with his 6 foot sword a mere second before coming in contact with his mask. However, that was all Lisa needed to launch her strike. With his sword literally behind his back from the force of the swing and his shield by his hip, Lisa pounced at the stranger. A standard high jump kick aimed at the forehead was the plan, a simple looking move that was much more difficult than it first seems, her left leg sizzling the stale air as it drew ever closer to its target. Another example of lightning quick reflexes, the man majestically managed to duck under her kick as it flew inches above his head, but the attack wasn’t over, Lisa half expecting him to pull a miracle evasion, had planned ahead for this little eventuality. As her body flew over him, her left foot came down, heel contacting him behind the head and forcing him to stumble forwards, and at that second her right knee came up with the power of a rocket and smashed him right in the face, splintering his mask in tiny shards as he was knocked down by the sheer force of the impact, landing back down in the mud about seven feet away. And as if that wasn’t enough, the severed root, still hurtling through the air, came down on his forehead, bounced off and fell into a small puddle. For a second after, it was quiet, peaceful even, as the minuscule pieces of his mask fell around his body, bouncing off his armour like a hail storm. Lisa had done it, to her own surprise; she had danced around the impossible.

Well? I hope you liked it and give me some advice, since I'm a newbie writer. I'll have the other pieces soon, so take care...

[c_nordlander]

OK, technical stuff first: you don't write stories directly in the Message window, you post them as attachments. As you can see, underneath the Message window is an attachment line and a button saying Browse. Do that from now on.

About the story itself: well, it certainly grabs my interest. I can't really say much about the plot so far, but it looks like it could be intriguing. Descriptions are reasonably visual, and I have a feeling the general vagueness will be dispelled once you post more. What we've got of the backstory is quite good.

I have some problems, however. It is a bit wordy: "visibility was almost non-existent", for example, could easily be shortened or cut entirely. (The fact that it's foggy and past nightfall is quite sufficient.) "Another example of lightning-quick reflexes", similarly: this is telling, not showing. You mostly manage to get the story to play out in front of the reader, but expressions such as that pulls it back into the realm of words, so to speak.

In other places, actions seem rather too vague. "Heel contacting him behind the head"... I can't really picture this. "The back of his head" would be much better. Also, the man's armour is described as mediaeval, "but with a modern twist". This doesn't really help me to picture the armour. A few more words of description would help.

Also, much as I hate to say this, the prose sometimes seems a bit pretentious and overwrought. "Untamed torments of painful thoughts clouded her mind, but she refused to give in to its burden", for example. It looks a bit... heavy.

Spelling is mostly good, though it is "creep", not "creap" (and it should be in the past tense), but your sentence structure needs work. Some sentences run on far too long, whereas others are incomplete. ("Fighting off the sense of fright and struggling to see what loomed in the milky abyss, slowly inching its way towards her", for one.) Things such as this make a story hard to read.

I hope I haven't been too harsh now. This is very good for a beginner. The writing is good, apart from my nitpicks, and though there isn't much of a story so far, it seems interesting. Just take my advice and keep posting.

[Ekko]

Wow, to be totally honest, I was expecting much more critisism. I'm glad you enjoyed the story (somewhat) and I see what your trying to say, some sentences sound choppy or stale and much too long. (Like this one) Well, now that I know about the attachment thing, I'll post the other 4 chapters soon, thanks again anyways!

[Ekko]

The second part of chapter one! Uhm...yea... Or it may just post the whole damn thing so far...Uhg! Well, read whatever shows up...

[Ekko]

Okay, so I graduated from SFC 101 and I know the basics. Well, here's my first chapter of the saga known as, Simpspin! Enjoy!

[Ekko]

Nobody has anything to say? Hmmmm...

[D.B.]

Relax. Fanfics usually take longer to get replies. You were just lucky and had a very quick reply from chris last time

as an aside, this seems to be exactly the same story you posted in the first thread. Which thread do you want replies to go in?

[Ekko]

Yes, this is the same story, but this has the other half the last one didn't. (Thus, the entire first chapter) So I'd appriciate it if you reply here...thank you...

[gkscotty]

Please keep individual stories in one thread.

Merged with your previous thread.

[Ekko]

First of all, if you really had to delete something, it was the one that you didn't erase. (The one with only half a chapter) So my completed chapter is gone and I don't wanna' repost it in fear it'll get destroyed again, so in an entirely unrelated post, this is my second chapter...

[Meteorite]

Actually, it wasn't deleted, it got merged with your other thread.

[Matt]

Nobody has anything to say? Hmmmm...

I have something to say... this is classic!

[Ekko]

I wish somebody could just give me their expert opinions so I could continue writing this damn story on the right track. I've been waiting for sometime now and I don't think I should post the other chapters till' I get some feedback from the last ones. But alas, nobody cares...

[Neodium]

Hey, it's not that nobody cares... reviewing fanfiction is hard to do (well, it's nothing compared to writing the fic itself, but it's hard nonetheless). I suck at writing reviews. I've tried to, and failed countless times, but I'll try this time. Just don't hate me, okay?

The story is pretty good IMHO and I don't have any complaints, but there are a couple things that kept me from actually getting hooked besides the sometimes too heavy writing:
- Some of the dialogue doesn't fit with the supposedly tense situation, like “Damn, I wasn’t counting on them having a machine gun turret mounted on that pile of tires.”, which sounds too long for something you'd say in the middle of a battle
- There are too many weapon names! I don't know what a ".50 caliber Barrett M82A1" is and, honestly, "rifle" would've had the same meaning to me

All in all, it's a good story, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Just don't let the lack of replies get to you. Saying that nobody cares so openly sounded to me like if you were trying to force us into reading and leaving comments... and I fell for it

[Ekko]

Well, thanks for replying. You took the bait, but I'll let you go. Anyways, I see what you mean about the gun models, but if you see what the barret looks like, the story becomes that much better...(Look it up on google or something, this rifle's insane! There is such a thing as overkill ya' know!) It gives Milhouse a false sence of power and supremacy, that's what I think anyways. The dialog might be a little thick, but that's how I like it. I also hate it when writters drag on and on about useless details that serve no porpose in the story so I do my best to skip that, that's why everything's happenening so fast...Again, thanks for writing back and I'll be sure to post chapter 3! I know a person like you would like it...