Simpspin! A fanfic I'm working on...

[Ekko]

Chapter 3 - Sunday, Bloody Sunday

[c_nordlander]

Well then, my opinions on the whole of Chapter 1. Bear in mind, I'm a nitpicky person, but that's because I want to help the author improve. That's what the board is for, you see. Just remember, I'm impressed by your writing style, and I wouldn't spend time nitpicking on a bad story.

My views on the first bit still stand, by the way.

The moon shone, not "shown".

but faint gurgling sounds could be heard off in the distance, growing louder and louder as it creap ever closer to the muddy shoreline.

Well written, but some nitpicks. 1) It's "they", not "it", since the word refers to "sounds" in the plural. 2) It's "crept", not "creap".

Good description of Lisa.

a rather sadly out of place site she was standing in the wet muck overlooking nothingness.

I don't understand this. I have an idea of what you're trying to say, but... I don't know how to explain this. What does the "site" refer to? And the next sentence, as I said before, is incomplete.

No offence, but I think that "FN Five-SeveN pistol" is a stupid, stupid name for a gun. And you don't need to tell us it's holstered if it's at her hip, since we presume nobody is such an idiot as to wear a gun without a holster. Particularly as it isn't there anyway.

The description of her confusion is good and vivid.

She ever so silently whispered a quick prayer that was barely audible

See, this is a tautology. "ever so silently", "whispered" and "barely audible" all say the same thing: that she was whispering. You could cut two of them.

if she goes down

Not the right tense in the context. I'd change to "if she'd go down".

Very interesting backstory. I look forward to find out more about this.

Untamed torments of painful thoughts clouded her mind, but she refused to give in to its burden.

I'd suggest simplifying this. There's nothing wrong with more complex language, but a description like this sounds very heavy. The following description of the bodily signs of her fear is much more comprehensible and vivid. (Though the last sentence in the paragraph is again incomplete.)

The constant spray of the tides ceased,

Beautifully written (this whole sentence is), but "tides" is a bit incorrect, I think. (Unless Lisa has been standing at this shore for several tidal cycles.) Maybe you need to hear someone else on this.

It was soon followed up by an odd thump, like wood against wood, then a piercing clenching sound, followed by what seemed like footsteps.

Good!

Things were only made worse when she heard the shrill metallic slicing sound as a sword was being carefully drawn from its scabbard with the delicacy as if it were made of porcelain as the footsteps grew louder.

Another wonderful description. My one nitpick is that the sentence repeats "as" and ends on a slightly weak note. Maybe you should split it up.

a pearl shield with an abnormally dull shine to it

I really like this description for some reason. (I still think the guy's armour merits a bit more description, but then again, the mist prevents Lisa from seeing too clearly.) All the concrete details in his description are good.

Spelling nitpick: a piece of jewellery is a "pendant".

breasts protruding outwards to their full extent

I must say, this line enervated me when I first read this bit. And that's not because I'm a prude (though I am), nor because I've overdosed on descriptions like that reading Tanith Lee's novels. It just strikes me as the kind of thing a male writer puts into a story to remind his readers that, hey, I'm writing from a *woman's* point of view. A bit as if I were to write a story with a male hero, and would have him fiddling with his fly, worrying about bulging out, whatever.

(Also, "protruding outwards" is a bit of a tautology.)

The viper simile is still good, though.

I really like Lisa feeling the ground for weapons with her feet. Extremely clever, that.

some how mustering up the speed to cut the flying root in two with his 6 foot sword a mere second before coming in contact with his mask.

"coming" seems to refer to the man, not to the root. Also, you should write out numbers in a narrative.

This is just me, but isn't it a slightly bad idea for a barefoot fighter to kick a helmet-wearing opponent in the face?

the man majestically managed to duck under her kick

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand, it's hard to imagine someone ducking "majestically". On the other, that makes the adverb very arresting in this case. I'd suggest not to change it.

"Even ghosts feel pain, you know." Nice line. In fact, this story continues good. The whole Yin Yang test idea is very intriguing.

“That’s part of the afterlife, gotta’ pass the Yin Yang test.” Bart said, as if he had been rehearsing that one line for all eternity.

You should have a comma instead of a full stop after the dialogue. The last bit is great, though.

Interesting too, this bit about sleep and limbo. Not incredibly original, but original enough. And now I feel quite sorry for Bart. This story is certainly going in interesting directions.

was all the voice said without a hint of expression.

I'm not sure the last bit is needed. It seems a bit like telling instead of showing.

Chapter 2:

OK, you're mixing up "heavily" and "heavenly". (I think you did in Chapter 1 as well.) Please change.

A bunker, eh? I can see this going a bit in the direction of "The Ionic Sequence", but certainly different as well. Good description of Milhouse.

Nitpick: isn't ".50 calibre" redundant?

as they both snaked their way through the crowd

Great verb!

I prefer "sniper rifle" to just "sniper". Just a personal thing. Long story.

Nitpick: Allison's name has two L's. However, I'm happy you put her in this. Also, shouldn't it be "bound"?

The moment they exited into the moonlight at 4 am that morning, the entire first line was cut down by machine gun fire, reducing the squad to 10.

OK, I think this is an important enough event to deserve a little more description. Not really a lot of gore and tearful farewell speeches, but a little more. On the other hand, the very sparseness creates an emotional effect, and I love the following sentence.

It should be "their comrades", not "there're".

I'd agree with Neodium: Lisa and Milhouse talk just a little too much for the situation. You write quite good fight scenes, though.

Lisa whipped around her cover and laid herself flat on the floor, minimizing herself as a target.

Again, show, don't tell. We know she's not lying on the ground because she's looking for her car keys.

Spelling: "ally" is a fighter on your side, "alley" is a narrow street.

I don't like how you take Milhouse's point-of-view all of a sudden, considering that most of the story has been from Lisa's one. However, I'm happy he doesn't do anything stupid and heroic. Nitpick: "the bullets path" needs a genitive apostrophe.

Lukewarm Duff Beer! *LOL*

Ahem... no. I'm no psychologist, but I don't believe that anyone but a complete idiot would be so stupid as to kiss another idiot on a battlefield. (And why do women in this type of story always get so soft and sappy and lose control of the situation?) If I'd been Lisa, I'd have given Milhouse a good slap (after thanking him for good fighting, of course). But that's just me.

Yay, Nelson!

While being small-minded, I must also object to the repeated mention of "women and children" needing protection. After all, Lisa is a fighter, and I doubt she's the only female one. Still, just my preoccupations.

Dramatic chapter ending, but I'm not sure about the logic of Mirandizing, not a few criminals, but an entire guerrilla. Still, I like Lisa's line. (Spelling nitpick: she means "waive", not "wave".)

I'll read the rest of it soon. So far, however, I think it's well-written, if subject to some rather easily correctible mistakes. There isn't really that much plot so far, but I presume there'll be more. Also, I'm not too fond of Lisa and Milhouse kissing, but I'm allergic to that kind of thing. Overall, I'd say you definitely have talent, and you're a better writer than most when they start out. The most interesting bit, in my opinion, is the one with Bart's spirit, though.

[c_nordlander]

Chapter 3:

Infinitesimal nitpick: I think there are actually three Bloody Sundays in history, so this would be the fourth. (Also, I'm not sure about the "S.F.F vs. B.A." in the title. Not to mention, B.A. makes me think of Bachelor of Arts, not Burns Army. I'll wait and see how it works.)

Good, dramatic opening paragraph.

In fact, the whole description of the battle is good and dramatic. I'm not going to point out all the good descriptions of actions here.

It's "dying", not "dieing". Also, the plural of "hero" is "heroes". (And I personally find referring to the main characters of a story as "our heroes" rather laughable and old-fashioned, but whatever.)

whose hands were completely free of blood

This is good enough without the "completely". I'd suggest cutting it.

I really like Lisa walking up to the tank. Still very dramatic. (Though I think that not even the most dramatic line merits more than one exclamation mark, but I'm sure that could be argued with.)

A glob of blood was coughed out

OK, there's no reason not to write this in active voice: "He coughed out a glob of blood" etc.

It was a sad sight, seeing those brutes mercilessly beating the pulp out of a defenceless man

Show, don't tell. The readers will hopefully understand that it's sad.

She had fought her way from the tank to get to Milhouse, cutting down any B.A. that got between her and her goal.

*LOL* I'm terribly sorry, I really am. But I'm a B.A., and when I read this line I got worried.

The bit with her life flashing before her eyes is excellent. Just when I thought this story was getting a bit too removed from The Simpsons as well. Particularly the "I'm Elvis!" bit made me laugh.

The past perfect of "mow" is "mown", I'm sure.

Rather good ending.

Well, I'll keep reading this, because it continues quite well-written, if with a bit more fighting than story. (Now, I like fighting, but I like narrative more.) If I have any problem with it, apart from the ones I've pointed out, it's that, as I said, it's not very related to The Simpsons so far. The only Simpsons characters who have actually been on-stage are Lisa, Bart, Milhouse and Nelson, the last of whom hardly had a line. Bart and Milhouse have been in character so far, but as for Lisa... well, she's certainly changed, but I'm sure you'll explain all this. I'll keep reading.

[c_nordlander]

Chapter 4:

Very nice opening, with good dialogue and characterisation of Martin and Allison. Some nitpicks: I think a skirt is "knee-length", not "knee-high" (because the latter sounds as if it starts at ground level and goes up), and I'm very uncertain about using "charging cavalry" as a metaphor during a tactics session, unless the freedom fighters have actual horses. A little like Lionel Hutz saying "I rest my case" in court.

On the other hand, I'm beginning to get used to the acronym "B.A.", so I guess you're doing something right.

Lisa's flight over Springfield is beautifully written. "an incredible fit of pain" doesn't really work, though, since "fit" sort of implies a brief pain, rather than a continuing one. I haven't really got any better suggestions, though.

Spelling: an obstacle is a "hurdle", not a "hurtle". Well written, this whole bit. You use a lot of detail, which is always good, and Lisa seems a little more in-character now, particularly when she gets to use her brain (as with the garage door).

Alas, the two were in.

This makes no sense, because surely being inside the house is a good thing? I have to assume it's a mistake for "at last".

The random objects are *lying* about the floor, not laying. Also, the past tense of "lead" is "led". I really like the staircase being described as "sky-bound", though.

The Simpsons' house is very well described. However, it should be "parents' bedroom", not "parent's".

Chapter 5:

I can't say anything about Lisa's dream. This is *perfect* on all levels. The diary is also very much in Lisa's voice. (OK, one slight nitpick: on the show, Lisa tends to write "dear log", not "dear diary".)

It's "taller than", not "then".

The appearance of Bart's ghost is incredibly frightening. Good job! In fact, this continues excellent.

I can't help but think that Lisa wouldn't believe in auras and suchlike. Still, she's talking to the ghost of her deceased brother, so I guess superstition doesn't apply...

Beautiful chapter ending, very dramatic. Well, I hope you keep this up. This story is getting steadily better, and I find it both exciting and touching. I'm particularly impressed by your writing of "ordinary" events in the old Simpsons household, and I'm happy that Lisa's hardened demeanour is getting a bit of an explanation. If you post more, I'll certainly keep reading.

[Ekko]

Whew! You gave me a lot to think about...Let's see. To start off, FN Five-seveN is a real pistol, look it up if you don't believe me. Honestly, I have horribly spelling, I don't know why, but I do, and spell-check can only get you so far. I dunno', chapter one seemed kinda' boring to me, but I'm my harshest critic, so yea...Chapter two, more mistakes, I'll fix it soon, but I still can't grasp exactly what you mean by 'redundant' Also, I agree that that 'almost' kiss scene was stupid, and I don't know what the hell I was thinking, should I delete it? Chapter 3: Sorry about the B.A., it was merely a fluke, non intentional. Again, I don't fully understand what you mean by the show n' tell issues, how do I fix these? But I'm sure glad you liked the action scenes! ^_^ Chapter 4: Very difficult for me to write, since I kept falling asleep. (This is where the actual story comes in) It felt depressing, sad even, but it pulled you in, so that's good. Chapter 5: Ch.5 was clean on your harsh judging, which must mean it was good. More story. More talk. Well, I'm writing 6 now, but the pace has been grudgingly slow, but I could post how much I've got so far. Well, thanks for you comments and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to give your unique brand of opinions, good show!

[Ekko]

Well, at least half of the sixth chapter, tell me if it's going anywhere...

[c_nordlander]

First of all, my critique wasn't meant to be harsh, just helpful. (In fact, I would appreciate if more people would point out specific bits in my stories to change or improve. After some tooth-gnashing, of course.) Though I know that taking criticism, and particularly acting on criticism, isn't easy at all. But then again, this is the Opinions board.

Also, don't feel pushed to post unfinished chapters just because someone is reading (and enjoying) your story. (If that's how you feel, that is.) Chances are, they'll survive for a week longer.

Spoilers alert to non-readers, as usual.

I must say, I really like the opening of the chapter. The sentence ending "this was home" is grammatically shapeless, but for some reason, it works. I'm not sure we need to be given the precise measurements of the pipe, though. It sort of breaks up the flow.

Anyway, it's a grand scene. You've given a kind of tragic dignity to Mr Burns. As I'm sure I've said before, I like the man, and look forward to see what will happen.

Good description of the way to the SNPP.

Spelling nitpick: it's "fluorescent".

There was a new surge of power flowing through Homer’s veins

A bit too wordy. I'd change it to "A new surge of power flowed through" etc.

Homer's line is excellently in character.

It's "struck", not "striked". Also, it's "awe-inspiring", not "awe inspiriting".

I don't think we need to be told that the sidewalk is cement.

More spelling nitpicks: it's "maneuver" (or "manoeuvre" if you're British).

it seems like he won’t charge him for parking today.

Using "he" for two different persons like that is a bit confusing. I might change to "like he won't get charged for parking today", though some people object to the use of passive voice. (On the other hand, I don't mind the present tense, as this is obviously reporting Homer's thoughts.)

Homer's idea of what the toll man is thinking is funny as well. One nitpick, though: instead of a full stop, you should have a comma and then "he" in lower case.

staring at a dark object on the floor of the car, the mask, he had removed it.

A bit of a run-on sentence. I think "He had removed it" should make its own sentence.

OK, this bit is too short for me to say much about, but on the whole, other than some spelling and grammar, I have very little to complain about. The plot continues, Homer is in character (Bart and Lisa don't have enough lines for me to decide on that ), and you have a couple of good descriptions. I withhold that this story picked up much once Lisa returned to her childhood, and it continues strong.

[Ekko]

Okay, chapter 6 is done, and I apologize if it's a lil' short. Well, critic as you wish...

[c_nordlander]

My review of the continuation of Chapter 6:

"Well, the worst is over, at least now we can go home and be done with this insanity." Lisa just bluntly stated.

I'm not crazy about adverbs, and also, "just" is pretty pointless here, not to mention comes too close to another "just" in the previous paragraph.

You certainly still have a nice low-key, threatening atmosphere. Good!

thinking that he might get lucky and park at someone else’s pre-selected space who was sick today and not have to walk the agonizingly far distance from his own space deep within the nether regions of the parking lot.

Great line, except for one embarrassing thing: "thinking" seems to refer to the car, not to Homer. Change.

Hmm, a rather unusual problem at places in your writing: you have a great amount of description (always a good thing), but you seem to suddenly break off actions just to shove blocks of it in. Also, some of the descriptions are really quite vague, such as "rather large" or "fairly thick".

Good introduction of Carl.

I really like the description of the signs lying all over the place. Also, the introduction of Moe is spot-on. (Nitpick: his last name is spelt "Szyslak".) "'it' was an understatement"... heh heh heh.

(I have no idea about "brandwonde". It sounds like German to me, but it certainly isn't in my dictionary. Still, it's such a good sign [and I'm so bad at German], I won't comment on it.)

Nice clarification of the backstory.

I like the description of Lenny, but there should really be a full stop before "he". Also, I don't think describing him as "lean" is necessary, since you just called him "anorexic looking".

EDIT: OK, Lenny's last name was given as "Lennard" in "My Mother the Carjacker". I stand corrected.

Typo: Carl presumably means "a mouldy bag *of* oranges".

I must say, I find it slightly difficult to imagine that Homer would get so upset, considering how many times Mr Burns has fired him. Still, it's not unrealistic, I guess.

It's "impatient", not "inpatient".

I like the little dialogue between Bart and Lisa. I can feel the drama building up.

Oooh, exciting ending to the chapter.

Well, like you said, this is a little short, and there are some technical problems, but on the whole I think this story is progressing nicely. If there's one thing I want you to think about, it's to think about not only the writing of descriptions, but also where to put them so as not to break the flow of the story. Still, that's a rather minor problem, and I think you're doing fine.

[Dagdamor]

Read your story several days ago. Well, I still have contradictory impressions about this. On one side, I'm doubtful about mixing the Simpsons and the Terminator-like mankind-destroying plot idea. But on the other side... I liked it. You managed to describe it very well, from the very beginning. And the 5th chapter just charmed me. Great one. If you will decide to continue your story, and to keep it closer to the original show as you did in that chapter, I'm sure you will have an excellent story here. Good luck with the next parts!