Simpson Moon R episode 3

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Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by gkscotty » Sun Mar 20, 2005 5:11 pm

I have decided that, in order to motivate myself to write I will start posting a scene of SMR3 per day, and hope I've finished it before it catches up with where I am.

As usual, it is recommended that you have read the original Simpmoon and the preceding two eps of Simpmoon R.

The fic is far too long. I will welcome suggestions about which scenes could be editied out, although I reserve the right to disagree. :)


I can't be bothered splitting it up into lots of little files, so will just quote into post.
As usual here we start with Luna's intro...


Be warned. This fanfic conforms to no known continuity anywhere, except hopefully its internal one.

In this fanfic, transformed Sailor Soldiers/Senshi will be referred to as (planet)-(name). So Lisa as Sailor Moon is MOON-LISA. A "soldier" is one of Lisa's group. A "senshi" is one of Usagi's group.

Speech in is said in Japanese and subtitled at the bottom of the screen.
Actual Japanese is said in Japanese and not subtitled.


EXT : SIDE OF APARTMENT BUILDING, NEW YORK - DAY
There is a balcony at a pair of open glass doors, and a narrow ledge runs from the balcony and around the edge of the building. LUNA carefully walks along the edge of the building and approaches the balcony. She glances down for just a moment.

LUNA (nervous) : Pretty high up...

She smirks a little, and looks straight ahead.

LUNA : It's a good thing I didn't bring Mamoru along, or he'd have spent the whole day up here posing and throwing roses!

Luna continues toward the balcony and jumps the wall between it and the ledge. She approaches the doors.

LUNA : Hm, they're open... maybe I've got lucky and she's in...

Luna steps through the doors.

                     CUT TO :

APARTMENT INTERIOR
The place is a bit of a mess. It's clear nobody's been here in a while. Tables and chairs are knocked over; there are cushions, glasses and ornaments on the floor and burn marks in the walls. Luna looks around in dismay.

LUNA : This is less encouraging...

She takes a few steps forward, and something goes *squelch* under her paw. Luna grimaces for a moment, looks at the paw, and then looks at a glass that is lying on the floor nearby.

LUNA : Floor's still wet... hm. Whatever happened can't have been long ago...

She's interrupted by the sounds of someone unlocking the front door.

LUNA : uh oh...

She runs and hides behind a couch. The front door opens, and EGON SPENGLER and WINSTON ZEDDMORE (of the Ghostbusters) enter. They're wearing a suit (Egon) and casual clothes (Winston) and they carry quite a hunk of complex machinery and computers between them.

EGON : Lets just put it here...

They do so. Luna watches as Egon starts setting up the machine. Winston takes out a PKE (PsychoKinetic Energy) meter and starts scanning the apartment with it.

WINSTON (confused) : That's funny... (hits the screen on the device) Hey, I'm not picking up any PKE in here Egon.
EGON : What? None?
WINSTON : None at all.
EGON : Strange... I think we can rule out the chances of it being a ghost then. It was definitely something supernatural though, we know that.
WINSTON : yeah... nothing physical could have done that.

Winston takes out a clear plastic bag and a spoon, and starts scraping some of the soot from the walls into the bag. Luna watches Egon for a moment, before he stands up in front of the machine.

EGON : Well, that should be it.
WINSTON : What is that thing anyway, Spengler?
EGON : A PKE analyser I've modified to look for other kinds of energies.
WINSTON : Oh yeah?
EGON : When an amount of energy is exerted, tiny pieces of energy can continue bouncing around the room for days, sometimes even years afterwards. That's why you get a uneasy feeling entering haunted places sometimes, even though the ghosts are long gone - it's the residual energy rebounding around the room.
WINSTON : Gotcha. So this machine picks up that energy?
EGON : Correct... it will also triangulate the path of the energy, and give us a probable timeline of events here.
WINSTON : Man, that'll be useful...
EGON : Just need to give it a minute to sample the room. Try to stay still.

Egon presses some keys on a keyboard, and the analyser hums into life. Luna watches silently as they stand around for a while.

WINSTON : So, why do y' think this always happens to Dana?
EGON : What do you mean?
WINSTON : Well, it seems like it's always Dana getting possessed, having her baby kidnapped, turned into a dog, trashing her groceries, finding a portal to hell...
EGON : Oh, I see what you mean. I was talking to a colleague in Japan just a few days ago about this actually.
WINSTON : Yeah?
EGON : He's been doing research into this with some ordinary schoolgirls over there. Turns out there are some kids there who are always being attacked by monsters, or kidnapped by princes who want to marry them and so on... they seem to be naturally inclined towards it. He's calling it "designated victim syndrome."
WINSTON (amazed) : And people actually research this kind of stuff?
EGON (narrows eyes) : He's trying to develop a cure.
WINSTON : So that the rest of us can be attacked instead?

The machine goes *PING!* Winston and Egon turn to it.

EGON (changing subject) : Ah, it's done.

He stoops down in front of the screen, and starts tapping away at the keyboard. A line graph appears on the computer screen.

WINSTON : What's that?
EGON : A graph of the energy levels in this room over the last 48 hours. (looks at it) That's strange... there seems to have been a standing charge in this whole apartment. (points at the graph, where the line wavers above the axis. His finger moves over to a sudden rise) Then it rises here (points to a spike) and spikes here two minutes later, before quickly fading away.

Winston looks over to the scorched wall.

WINSTON : I guess that spike's when they attacked her, huh?

Egon nods. Behind the couch, Luna sighs and lies down, looking depressed...


FADE TO WHITE
Image

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do bad things. - Jingo, Terry Pratchett
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by gkscotty » Mon Mar 21, 2005 7:36 pm

The story begins for real. (attached)
Image

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do bad things. - Jingo, Terry Pratchett
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by gkscotty » Tue Mar 22, 2005 8:10 pm

I didn't even get a chance to write today, so today doesn't count. :-)
Image

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do bad things. - Jingo, Terry Pratchett
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by c_nordlander » Wed Mar 23, 2005 8:28 am

Heh heh, I hope this thing will get you working again.

Well... I'm sure I've given my opinions on this bit already. The "designated victim" idea is good mind candy, and I enjoy the Jusenkyoo spring sequence. (Of course it's repetitive, but that's half the fun.) Though I probably should read the whole thing again... I've forgotten about Lin-Lin and Lun-Lun.

So, looking good so far, with everyone in character. No particularly hilarious bits yet, but the "Spring of Drowned Man in Midlife Crisis" and Bob's fall come close.

Keep writing! *stress, stress*
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by missygal21880 » Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:06 pm

I've always gotten a kick out of this series; it has a great way of blending the anime and simpsonic elements within it.

Glad to see its light renewed!
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by gkscotty » Thu Mar 24, 2005 10:25 pm

Thanks a lot guys.

However I regret work has stopped - for the foreseeable future I am not allowed to use my laptop at work, as we have spies from the bosses in. So I can't write at work.
I'll continue posting for now though, I guess.
Image

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do bad things. - Jingo, Terry Pratchett
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by gkscotty » Fri Mar 25, 2005 6:52 pm

Well, the good news now is that the fic is almost finished - I managed to wrangle a few hours of quality laptop time, and am within a few lines of finishing episode 3.

Who would like to beta-read? I really do need some editing. It's far too long.
Image

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do bad things. - Jingo, Terry Pratchett
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by Vulgaris_Prime » Fri Mar 25, 2005 7:11 pm

gkscotty wrote: Well, the good news now is that the fic is almost finished - I managed to wrangle a few hours of quality laptop time, and am within a few lines of finishing episode 3.

Who would like to beta-read? I really do need some editing. It's far too long.
I offer my time when it is available.
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:27 am

Enter the main plot of this episode, quite nicely too. Some great lines, notably Bart-chans reaction to "You little brat!", and the "crazed" bit.

I won't go into the copyright issues about Mara. :) However, I still don't like the idea of her seeing Bart in the Baby Stinkbreath commercial. I guess you're using it to make her sound deliberately weird, but still...

Then again, the above is a very minor niggle, because you write Mara well.

Rhythmic Gymnastic Martial Art is still incredibly cool.

Keep it up! And sorry to hear that you can't write at work, but I'm happy you're getting somewhere with this episode.

Like I said in chat, if I weren't short on time, I'd gladly beta-read it for you.
Pretty little baby
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Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by gkscotty » Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:11 pm

Well, it's complete. Full versions will go out to a few beta-readers soon.

I'll continue posting scenes in here for the meanwhile, and up the posting rate to 2 a day.

Remember, if anything could/should be cut, please say. :-)

(next part attached)
Last edited by gkscotty on Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Image

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do bad things. - Jingo, Terry Pratchett
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Mar 26, 2005 1:37 pm

Again, go Steve! Feels nice to have finished it, doesn't it?

This snippet is excellent, though I'm not familiar with the game Jessica and Minako are playing. Many great lines, and everyone seems to be in character. Particularly Lisa is excellent. Love the "chibi" line and Artemis's backflips.

The scene with the Senshi is a bit slow, but it's good and advances the plot, so I don't mind. The magic protecting the Sailors from being recognised is a cool idea, and answers some pressing questions. (Also, I get the feeling that finding the Springfieldian Sailors will be far from difficult.) Cute ending to the scene as well.

Well... I have nothing to complain about. *At all*. It's possible that some of the less important dialogue in the Senshi scene could be cut. (However, it'll be hard for me to know what is important and what is not until I've read the whole episode, so I'll suspend my inner editing-scissors until then.)
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by gkscotty » Wed Mar 30, 2005 9:10 pm

Well, here it is, in all it's overly-long glory.

http://www.simpworks.com/steven/smrep3.rtf

Enjoy, please comment, goodnight. :-)
Image

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do bad things. - Jingo, Terry Pratchett
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by Hera_Potter » Fri Apr 01, 2005 3:05 am

Problem: I was going to re-read the rest of Simpson Moon R to refresh my memory, but I can't find it on the site (or Simpson Moon, for that matter). I looked in the galleries, but each section has only two pages... any ideas?

EDIT: Found part 3 on the forums. I found the thread where they were posted, but the (other) attatchments are gone (too old, I guess).
Last edited by Anonymous on Fri Apr 01, 2005 3:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re:Simpson Moon R episode 3

Post by c_nordlander » Tue Apr 05, 2005 2:05 pm

Warning: long and pretty gushy.

Continuing on from my latest review (the hotel scene). I have to say, though, the Princess Tutu couch gag is great.

I don't know, the scene where Lisa joins the team feels a bit long and dull. It's not badly written, everyone's in character and it's good plot development (particularly with the pig), it just doesn't do much for me. Maybe I'm too impatient. Lisa almost blowing cover in front of Janey is kind of amusing, though.

Pig-Bob is cute! Bridgette... *LOL*
BART-CHAN (OS) : Hey! Lisa, I just got changed again!
*LOL* again.

The scene at the gym is great, with many funny lines, particularly "until she finds a cure". Nice reference to Lugash.

The scene with Bob, Skinner and Krabappel is still hilarious, and not too risqué. :)

A shame you had to cut the "I haven't been a Sideshow for years" (?) line, mainly because this fic is better than the episode it was in. Oh well.

This scene is great, all over, and Bob is very much in character.
BOB : Oh for God's sake. We both know that bo... girl is practically Satan incarnate! What's not to hate about her? (ranting) She wants to give tax cuts to people who hunt baby seals so she can get a free fur coat and sell Mount Rushmore to Disney to build a theme park!
BART : Hey! I draw the line at Disney!
*LOL LOL LOL*

Yay! Samantha Stankey is back!

Mara is still great. In a rash-inducingly aggravating way, of course. So is Jessica. Heh, playing those two b*tches out against each other is a masterstroke.

Nice scene between Bart and Bob. I particularly like Bob turning himself back into a pig. (And want to read more, to find out about the revenge.)

Hmm... "raven-haired harridan". Discworld ref? If so, yay!

Pig-Bob with a huge knife! WAUGH! And *LOL*.

Another great Mara scene. The breath patch gag is getting *really* old... great!

Moe's rant: ick, but funny.

OK, I think the scene with the Senshi looking at the cameras drags a bit (though the Generic Teenager is always funny). Of course, that's probably because, being no Sailor Moon fan, I care a lot more about what happens to the Springfieldian girls.

GINGER BEER!

You write very good transformation scenes.
USAGI :
*LOL* Also Skinner thinking the Japanese girls are from Shelbyville.

Usagi getting the body of a ten-year-old... I could see that coming, but good nevertheless.

Special exercises? Oy, I don't want to know.

Wouldn't she refer to herself as Tsukino Usagi? (Bear in mind, I know absolutely nothing about anything.) She does that later on.

*LOL* @ Usagi being a perfect gymnast without even noticing. Also her getting past Skinner.

Hmm, quite nice and creepy, the way Usagi sees Jessica in her disguise. As for the slightly... ahem... camp joke, I don't know whether I should laugh or be annoyed, but I think the "cousin" line makes it a definite laugh. Suitable for the Springfieldianites' view of Shelbyville, I guess.
eleven! I mean eleven years old. I want to be fifteen.
Heh heh heh, very cute somehow.

I like how Bart-chan isn't allowed to get changed with the other girls.

Milhouse and Willie are great. I particularly like Milhouse's introduction of Samantha, and almost every Willie line in this episode is gold.

I feel quite sorry for Samantha and Ridi. Sherri getting Samantha is pretty great, and Ridi seems a true Flanders.

I'm tired of commenting on all the good lines. There are too many of them.

Yay, an Azumanga reference!

Moon-Lisa's speech is brilliant. And yes, I definitely root for her to get revenge on Jessica.

Also love how the whole Sailors-can't-be-identified thing takes its toll on Miss Hoover.

The Moon-Lisa vs. Mars-Jessica fight is very well written, I think. Nice way to resolve it as well. (And another nifty Willie line.)

Bart vs. Mara: another hoot. Great dialogue at the start, and then the whole shackles thing... I wish I could see this.

Waugh! Sailor Zealot is starting to scare me.

Very nice fight scene. (Possibly a little long, but I've got short patience reading fight scenes, at any rate.)

The scene in the basement is gold, particularly Mara's eyes changing colour, and Bart's finishing line.

Love Skinner's flashback. Oh well, Skinner's perfect in this fic.

The whole ending is excellent. No two ways about it.

So, those were my thoughts reading it. Basically, this script is great. The plot is a bit slight, mainly a big battle, but I don't mind. Yes, it's very long, which I shall return to. And there's a couple of racy jokes, but nothing terrible. (No, I didn't mind the nudity in the basement scene.)

However, that said, it's *good*. I could find no technical mistakes, possibly apart from Usagi putting her family name after her given name. Everyone's in character (or at least, in character according to this story). Particularly Skinner, Milhouse and Groundskeeper Willie provide a lot of incidental humour. The little Bob subplot is very nice, and Zealot's appearance gives some gravity to the ending. Many good visual gags as well, which are pretty rare in fanscripts, for obvious reasons. More comedy than drama, definitely, though Lisa's resentment towards the Senshi felt realistic. Finally a good use for Mara. All the main characters shine in this. Top notch comedy, and good plot development as well.

I want to be a Martial Arts Gymnast.

OK, scenes I think could be shortened. Bear in mind, these are only vague suggestions:

-Some scenes at the start, for example the one where Lisa is persuaded to join the team, where there seems to be a lot of exposition. (Of course, the exposition is *needed*... oh well.)
-The "TV cameras" scene, which is pretty much filler and hasn't got any of the Springfieldian girls in it. IMHO, this could be cut entirely, to little detriment of the fic. (Mind you, if I liked the Senshi more, I probably wouldn't be saying this.)
-Some of the fight scenes could be shortened, because there are quite a lot of those. I'm in two minds about those, though, because they take a lot longer to read than to watch, but on the other hand they're quite well written.
-Possibly the final scenes with Mamoru and Daria. They're funny, but could probably be shorter. Mind you, I'm not a Daria fan either.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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