Holy crap!

[Terry Y]

Terry is submitting fan fic!

This is the first chapter (as short as it is) of what I hope will be an ongoing fanfic that takes place after Lisa's wedding (original idea, ain't it?).

[c_nordlander]

Woo, fanfic by Terry!

OK, the set-up isn't incredibly original (I've got an idea for a fic based on that episode, myself), but still good.

Nitpick: "alright" should be "all right" (two words). Took me a long time to learn that.

Hugh wasn't really a millionaire.  He had three other wives back in England.  She was pregnant and he didn't want to go through with it.  And these were just the ones she'd heard.

I like it!

Nice to see you're bringing Milhouse into this.

He was conspicuously absent from the wedding,

If you're going to be picky, it should be "He had been" etc., since the wedding is in a deeper layer of the past, so to speak.

Well, it's a good start, and except for the few nitpicks above, I have nothing to complain about. Content is all good and feels true to the characters. The writing is quite good, but seems to be lacking a bit of flow at the start; too many short sentences, perhaps. (That evens out later, though.) A bit of description wouldn't hurt as well.

By all means, keep going. I want to see more of this.

[missygal21880]

One minor spelling nit that Chris didn't catch (from me?!  I know!): it's "fashion".

Altogether, I like the idea - Lisa trying to recover from the stigma of being abandoned at the altar post-Hugh with the help of her family.  It'd be interesting to see what effect this has on her college studies.

One question: is Bart living with Marge and Homer?  We know Lisa isn't because she's sleeping in the "windowbox" Homer constructed, but Bart's presence at the table confused me.  It makes sense on a level for him to be there because they're trying to support Lisa as a family, but that was the one small question that came to my mind while reading.

It's pretty good so far, and I definately want to see more!

[Terry Y]

Thanks for the input, guys! 

Chris: Yeah, this one was lacking a bit, but I hit a snag as soon as Lisa made it to the table.  I didn't quite know what to do once she got there, seeing as how the Simpsons don't really do much at the table but eat.  But I'll work on that.  The description, too.

Missygal: As far as I can remember, there is no evidence in "Lisa's Wedding" to suggest that Bart is out of the house, so he's still there in this story.

Basically I've been using this story as a warm-up for my other stuff.  Sort of stretching my creative muscles.  But just like anything else, as this gets better, so will my other stuff.  There will be more, hopefully by the end of this week.

[missygal21880]

Ahh, I was wondering if he was - makes sense, because it's true we don't hear where he's living cannonially. 

And feel free to call me Missy

Still looking for more!

[Tony_Baritone]

Very good; not much to add beyond what's been said, except that my favorite part was Lisa coping with the town's gossip, that was really well done.  Milhouse seems to have a more prominent role here than in the ep; it should be fascinating to see what you'll do with his character.

[Terry Y]

Holy crap, again, Batman!

Terry's submitting *another chapter!*

Since many have been wanting something other than Lisa-angst:

I give you Milhouse-angst!  Enjoy!

[missygal21880]

I like that Milhouse's pathetic life as a single bachelor matches up perfectly with his father's try at bachelorhood.  They both barely functioned on the edge of solvancy, and I like the parallel.

His conversation with Homer was wonderfully in-character, especially for Homer - the line about bringing Tofu home reminded me of him trying to figure out the difference between various teen magazines when Lisa was sick with the mumps.

So now the question is - will Milhouse succeed?  Looking forward to finding out!

[c_nordlander]

Someone-other-than-Lisa-angst! I love you for this, Terry. 

Typo/spell check: it should be "mattress".

The description of Milhouse's bachelor den is next to perfect, in its own dingy and sordid way. Grown-up Milhouse does seem a lot like Kirk, too.

Another spell check: should be "swatted".

I'm a bit puzzled as to Milhouse's money problems, since he's got a pretty high-up job on the power plant (after all, the Simpsons seem to do pretty well on Homer's salary), and he doesn't seem to have a lot of expenses. But then there's the drinking, of course...

The traffic jam is great as well. I can sympathise.

I really like the description of his work. It makes a lot of sense, and is generally very psychologically accurate and van Houten-like.

Milhouse always welcomed these kinds of days, especially after having those kinds of nights.

Splendid!

Typo: "agains". Also, later, it says "and" where it should be "an" invitation.

Poor Milhouse. His thinking about Lisa's wedding is sobering without being over-dramatised.

Farnsworth? Heh heh heh...

I think you use "said Homer/Milhouse" a few times where "Homer/Milhouse said" sounds better, but that's a minuscule point.

"I'unno," mumbled Homer.  "I think she said that he'd said some nasty stuff about me.  But so do most people, so I don't see why that's no reason to..."

*LOL*!

Lisa didn't get married?  That meant she was single again.  And she was in town until the end of the week.  And that meant that...after all these years, he still didn't have a chance with her.  If she didn't want him when he was younger and in much better shape, both physically and financially, why would she want want him now as an overweight beer-swilling pig who was in debt up to his eyeballs?

*LOL* and awww.

I love the expression "a sliver of a chance".

Sad, yet credible chapter ending.

Well... except for a few technical errors and the "said" thing mentioned above, this is actually pretty much perfect. Your writing style would lead me to think you've been writing for many years, and Milhouse and Homer are spot-on. Kudos.

[Tony_Baritone]

Terrific detail on the little things that are part of Milhouse's drudgery and routine (the water, the clothes not fitting indicating his added poundage, the bills upon bills); these are the kind of things that accumulate and drive him just a little crazier every day.  Like I said in chat, Adult Milhouse does seem like a guy who'd go for strong, cheap liquor to forget this kind of thing.

Also good use of the contrast between being a kind of authority figure at work while being basically powerless the rest of the time.  That's captured well.  So is the realism when he's dealing with the torch he still holds for Lisa, contending with his past and his present and finding no solution but to head back to the bottle.  Very depressing and powerful all around.

[Terry Y]

Again, thanks to all who've read this!

As far as Milhouse's money problems go, the point I was trying to get across was the fact that he's become irresponsible with his finances.  Also, if you chek other episodes of OFF that feature Smithers's apartment, you'll find that, though Smithers is quite the neat-freak, his flat is not all that impressive.  Which indicates (to me, at least) that his income is not all that great.

And once I figure out how and where Lisa and Milhouse will meet up (cause I plan on it happening) I'll post some more stuff.