new story post

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how is the story

great
1
50%
needs some work
1
50%
needs a lot of work
0
No votes
is not worth reading
0
No votes
totally sucks
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Total votes: 2
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zekeprower
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new story post

Post by zekeprower » Wed Apr 26, 2006 1:51 am

this is a sample of my new story. please show some kindness as it is only the first few chapters and i am stuck. i never was any good at getting started, but once i'm there, hold on. there is also an alternate scene to chapter 3. tell me which is better and it wil be placed in.  please tell me what you think. again it is only in prelim stages give me a little time to make it better.
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Chapter 3 alternate.doc
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new life lisa.doc
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Last edited by zekeprower on Wed Apr 26, 2006 1:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
He stood tall on top of the mountain of his ancestors and looked down to see his home. He let loose a loud howl. He is now a man, but not just a man. He is now a true Wolf and others are sure to follow him.
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Re: new story post

Post by Lisalover1 » Wed Apr 26, 2006 11:40 am

You're doing great! Keep it up!
I AM THE BLAZER! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!
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Re: new story post

Post by zekeprower » Wed Apr 26, 2006 2:28 pm

thanks. are there any other thoughts or questions
He stood tall on top of the mountain of his ancestors and looked down to see his home. He let loose a loud howl. He is now a man, but not just a man. He is now a true Wolf and others are sure to follow him.
missygal21880

Re: new story post

Post by missygal21880 » Wed Apr 26, 2006 6:28 pm

Reviewing Parts 1-3:

Well, the opening is definately gripping!  A good sentance to hook someone in.

I like the career paths you chose for the Simpsons brood - hey, great minds think alike  :-)

On the negative side, your language is occasionally awkward, but I sense you're not a native English speaker, in which case you're actually doing very well.
. She shot a stare at her brother as if trying to pass it over her mind.


Do you mean "out"?
when she was spending some time in Maggie’s room and how she found out how come the family never had raccoons
This sentance is a wee bit confusing.  Did you mean "how she found out the family had raccoons" or "how they found out they DIDN'T have raccoons?"

I like the speed and content of the transition between the family dinner and Lisa's emergency. 

Hmm...a new doctor...with your name...with wings...and he turns out to be an angel who is crucial to the piece.  Umm....it's kind of treading a thin line, making a guy named after you a diety of some kind in the story.  The fact that he is The Only Most Special Arc Angel Who Will Make Lisa's Transitioning Over Better While (Eventually) Kinda Flirting With Maggie sort of sends him into Gary Stu territory.  Yet I see the influence of "FLWS" here, and it's not bad for the story.  The dialouge is a lot of fun, and Zeke has a nice sense of humor about his role in the universe. 

Your writing in of itself improves a lot in this section - you get a lot of wit and fire and sass out of Zeke, and he and Lisa relate in a way that's good for the fic. 

Now, the interaction between Zeke and Maggie is cute, but Zeke's Magical Healing Powers Combined With The Suffering Saint Thing are another strike against him in the Gary Stu department.  I'm also starting to get a Zeke x Maggie vibe off of the story, and I'm REALLY not sure if that's a good idea - it feels like they're starting to Soul Bond here, which can only lead to romance most angsty.  On the positive side, Zeke's being able to suffer the pain of others for others, much like the Suffering Saint doctrines of the Catholic Church, is an interesting twist for his character, though, and fits in with the idea of his arcangelness (though I think it's mostly minor saints who do this?  I think I remember that from my scriptures...).  His being able to take on the mental pain of others I'm not sure of, though, but hey he's your character.  Bart's utter tactlessness upon entering is totally in-character, along with his blustery appology.  I don't know if Lisa and Maggie would glare at him, though - they're quite used to Bart saying stupid things by now.  :bart:

So, thus far it's pretty good - and it gets better as you develop the plot.  The interactions of the Simpson family are pretty good - I'd actually like to see more of Marge, Homer and Bart in the story, know more about how they feel about Lisa's illnesses.  I like the Lisa/Maggie camradere, I get the feeling that this is about how they might have a relationship upon reaching adulthood.  Everyone feels in-character, there's no real major OOC-ness.

My major warnings at this point are grammar-based and about Zeke.  Now, Zeke himself feels like a pretty good character - he's got a sense of humor about himself, he's not a jerk about his powers (except for the reading Lisa's mind thing, but he appologizes for that), and he's a pretty enjoyable new character.  Maybe it'd be better for you if you changed his name to something that's....not yours.  Maybe if he was Sam or Josiah or Timmy, this powerful arcangel guy with his wings and his powers and his developing sway over the Simpson Sisters would be easier to take.  I just warn you that Zeke's powerfulness, position of authority and even his influence over Lisa and Maggie might be a little bit much for an OC who shares your name.

All in all, it's enjoyable thus far, and I'm looking out for part 4.
Last edited by missygal21880 on Wed Apr 26, 2006 6:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: new story post

Post by zekeprower » Wed Apr 26, 2006 10:03 pm

For God's sake this is exactly what i am looking for. some real feed back. glad that you enjoyed the fic. i do realize that i am not the best writter in the world and am working on it. your changes are correct. i only write at night and it is no surprise to me that i messed up. as far as Zeke goes. it is not my real name. it is my premade character's name. thought i won't be telling anyone my true name anytime soon. unless we want to go all Rumpstiltskin on the matter. the whole diety with wings thing is only there to show what he is. it won't be showing up again unless time calls. if you read the chapter 3 alternate, you would see that there is a difference and that is where i got stuck. i also kinda dont like the whole "Suffering Saint?" thing. you'll see that when i get stuck much changes and the whole story turns upside down for the first draft.
the whole thing with the family dinner and then not showing again is another thing to wait for. the rest of the family will have sub plots and we will see homer in his infinite intelligence :doh:. bart will have his own side story and all will tie up in the end. don't worry it's only gonna get better. as far as the Gary Stu territory thing. who the hell are you talking about? in any case things will change. i have been busy packing and moving, so not much is coming out as far as writting goes, but it will come soon. keep reading and tell me more about what i am doing as a grammer disaster.
He stood tall on top of the mountain of his ancestors and looked down to see his home. He let loose a loud howl. He is now a man, but not just a man. He is now a true Wolf and others are sure to follow him.
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Re: new story post

Post by zekeprower » Wed Apr 26, 2006 10:05 pm

missygal21880 wrote:   A good sentance to hook someone in.
as far as grammar goes, you mispelled sentence. ;)
He stood tall on top of the mountain of his ancestors and looked down to see his home. He let loose a loud howl. He is now a man, but not just a man. He is now a true Wolf and others are sure to follow him.
missygal21880

Re: new story post

Post by missygal21880 » Thu Apr 27, 2006 1:05 am

zekeprower wrote:
missygal21880 wrote:   A good sentance to hook someone in.
as far as grammar goes, you mispelled sentence. ;)
Yes, but I didn't ask for C&C on my review  :D.  Speaking of, if you liked my C&C, wait until you get a full review from Chris, who pwns me in all things C&C.

Okay, let me explain what I'm talking about here.  A Gary Stu is a male version of a Mary Sue - a character with great powers who is occasionally a self-insertation of an author, whom all of the characters fall in love with and who may be occasionally flawless.  In other words, I'm not refferencing some non-existant character, I'm using a fandom term.  Zeke is a little too well-developed at the moment to be one, but between his actions and his all-powerful diety abilities, he sometimes boarders on that sort of territory.  Just because Zeke isn't your real name doesn't mean readers might think he's based on you - especially since it's your board display name and your author posting name.  It's like me suddenly inserting a character named Missy into my "Waving" Universe - Missy isn't my real name, either, but people would assume it's me even if it IS an original character, because that's my author tag and posting name. 

And don't worry about his having wings - I expect an archangelish figure to have wings and abilities and powers and such.  And I LIKED the suffering saint ability - it made him less all-powerful and more vulnerable and complex.  I'm not insulting your character or his appearence or whatever.  I'm just saying he's coming a little close to a dangerous area in certain departments.
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Re: new story post

Post by zekeprower » Thu Apr 27, 2006 1:58 am

i get what your saying. i will continue to use his character name in the story simply because he has been with me since the beginning of my pathetic attempts at writting. and as far the the whole suffering saint scene is concerned, it is being trashed. i myself dont like it. it doesn't feel right and throws me all off. that is were i am stuck.
He stood tall on top of the mountain of his ancestors and looked down to see his home. He let loose a loud howl. He is now a man, but not just a man. He is now a true Wolf and others are sure to follow him.
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Re: new story post

Post by zekeprower » Thu Apr 27, 2006 5:52 am

here is the revised version of my story. chapter four will be up soon. the next chapter might have a song title listed. please find a way to listen when one is added to the story. it will let you see things the way i do and will make the story better.
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new life lisa.doc
(71 KiB) Downloaded 372 times
Last edited by zekeprower on Thu Apr 27, 2006 5:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
He stood tall on top of the mountain of his ancestors and looked down to see his home. He let loose a loud howl. He is now a man, but not just a man. He is now a true Wolf and others are sure to follow him.
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zekeprower
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Re: new story post

Post by zekeprower » Sun Apr 30, 2006 4:35 am

just out of curiosity has anyone gotten a chance to read my somewhat updated story? i just want to get an opinion on how it looks so far.
He stood tall on top of the mountain of his ancestors and looked down to see his home. He let loose a loud howl. He is now a man, but not just a man. He is now a true Wolf and others are sure to follow him.
missygal21880

Re: new story post

Post by missygal21880 » Sun Apr 30, 2006 7:27 am

It looks good.  There's no huge changes afoot outside of the tightness of the editing.  I think you can go on from here to the next piece.
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