The Simpsons Movie: Springfield United

[Focusyn]

Hey, this is a work in progress and it's the first script I've ever written. This is a mix of action and comedy and I tried to capture the 'Simpsons humor' as much as possible.

The gist: Springfield and Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant engage in an athletic competition called the "Nucleolympics". The stipulation of the competition has dire consequences for both towns! Also, Bart causes trouble at school during Principal Skinner's important meeting with school officials. What will be the fate of Springfield Elementary?

What I've written so far is just the beginning of what I hope to be an intriguing tale involving many Springfield characters working together for a common cause. It's my vision of what I'd like to see in a Simpsons Movie.

Ideas that I'm toying with: A Lisa subplot?...a 'Council of Evil'?...musical?...more Star Wars references?

Comments are appreciated!

[c_nordlander]

Welcome to the fanwriting community, Andrew! I'll review this script as conscientiously as I can, trying to point out everything you can do better (as well as what you're already doing well). The idea of writing a Simpsons movie script is certainly interesting, though you're not the first to try it.

Descriptions beginning "we see..." are not necessary in a script. Just describe what happens. That seems to be mostly a problem in the intro, though, and overall, your scene directions are good and professional.

Very nice couch gag. It seems to have a bit too much talking in it for a couch gag, but it could be a lot worse. Violent Maggie is always good.

The opening scene is a bit racy, but funny.

Burns and Smithers are certainly in character, and I'm intrigued by the plot. I've always wanted to see more of the "friendly" rivalry between Burns and Amadopolis. In fact, I'm a great Burns fan.

The cut to Homer sleeping feels a bit worn, but Homer catching the donut makes up for it.

You're certainly close to the show's sense of humour here. A lot of visual humour, which can be hard to do in fanfiction (my experience is that it's easier to think up comedic dialogue). Homer's and Lenny's rush to the office is excellent.

In a question in Spanish, you need an upside-down question mark in front.

I don't think Mrs Krabappel suggesting "Lap dance!" is really in character for her. She's cynical, but not that immoral. Perhaps she should suggest a casino round or something similar.

The dialogue between Homer and Marge is hilarious. I think the bit about the oxygen tanks is a little bit surreal, though. Just mentioning the base camp without the tanks could be as good.

I like the Blackberry joke.

Spelling mistake: it should be "hypotenuse".

Skinner's response to Ralph's question is great. Very much in character. Also the ruler.

Typo: "calmy" should be "calmly".

"an annoying yet popular band to youths" is  a bit of a contorted way of putting it. "an annoying band, yet popular to youths", or something. I love Skinner pretending not to hear it, though.

He menacingly approaches a calm Bart to end the scene.

OK, that's not necessary. Change to: "He menacingly approaches a calm Bart. End of scene."

Kent Brockman's "It's hockey, people!" line is hilarious. Also his response to finding out about the bet.

The montage is excellent, particularly the last bit.

Burns' pep talk to the four runners is brilliant.

Homer's seeing Bart's face feels a bit hackneyed to me, but I love the doctor turning up dramatically at the end of the competition.

And a cliffhanger, for sure. I certainly want to read more when you post it.

Well, I'm enjoying this so far. Both plots hold up (though frankly, I've found Homer's one a lot more exciting than Bart's one), and generally, this feels a lot like the show. Just about everyone is in character, though I'm particularly impressed with Mr Burns and Smithers, Homer, and Skinner. There are some excellent jokes and scenes here, particularly some of Skinner's lines and the montage at the competition.

I have few nitpicks, and the ones I have, I've already pointed out above. Some bits feel slightly slow on jokes, and like I said, the subplot about the school didn't really grab me. Mostly those scenes, funny as they were, seemed like they had been done by the show already. Lisa seemed to be in her shrill, strident political activist mood, which we all hate, with that long rant at Homer, but there's not really enough of her in this script so far for me to say whether she was really out of character. (Having her in a subplot might be a good idea.) Other than that, good to great. Please keep writing it.

[Focusyn]

Thanks for the great feedback, Immaterial. I totally agree with most of what you said.

Here's the next part of the script. Some taglines to get you excited:

A press conference goes horribly wrong!
The school copes with budget cutbacks!
The mafia!
And 2 more things!

[Focusyn]

The story unfolds with more subplots to whet your appetite for diverse character representation! Don't worry...I promise all of these subplots will come together in the end. How, you ask? You'll have to read to find out!

In this continuation:

• Marge gets a job, but it's not as boring as you'd think
• Lenny and Carl bond...take that anyway you want
• A couple of bit characters from seasons 5-6 return...but who?

Lots of laughs in this one...let me know if I'm on the right track!

[Lady_Simpson]

Good story.

For the opening with Burns and Smithers, I almost thought it would have been better to find out that Smithers wasn't actually doing what was implied. 

HOMER
(Determined) OK. And may God infuse my feet with
the fleetness of Hermes.

He dashes out the door with the canister in hand. After a few steps, however, he crumbles to his knees out of breath. Lenny then grabs the canister from Homer and takes off.

LENNY
7G's got your back, Homer. You owe me one.
Another one!

I liked that.  Really liked that.

Bart wearing a Nelson mask was also quite clever.

PATTY
Anyone else want to be a hero?

Really liked that too hah.

Yeahh I can't think of really any constructive criticism haha.  Nothing that Immaterial hasn't picked up on already, that is.
Really funny AND with enough drama that keeps you excited and interested.  Awesome job.

[c_nordlander]

My opinions on the second instalment:

Moe's humidifier is funny.

The press conference scene is a bit wordy, but then, this is a feature-length script, so it wouldn't be too long.

I've lived a long life and I've seen my plant taken away from me from Germans,

Should be "by Germans", certainly.

Wow, shocking twist! (And rather in character, as well.) Nicely dramatically written. I hope it turns out to be reversed somehow, though. Mr Burns is one of my favourite characters.

Chief Wiggum's line is pretty great.

Spelling mistake: "piece" should be "peace". (Unless it's a pun.)

"half as much ruth" is excellent.

I can't help but feel that Marge's and Homer's dialogue is a bit wordy as well. The "futon" joke is good. (Perhaps a bit witty for Homer, but it works.) His line on the phone is great as well.

Doesn't Mr Largo mean "*old* acquaintance"? (Or auld, if you're using the Scots spelling.)

One goon grabs a triangle from Milhouse and bends it into a straight line.

Excellent! In fact, the whole scene is great.

And the start to a quite interesting Lisa subplot. Insofar as I can tell, she is very much in character, too.

They don't even measure my productivity any more. They just laugh.

Great line.

Professor Frink's scene is also brilliant.

The Mafia makes a good entrance. I must admit to being a bit tired of Johnny Tightlips (if he's not a one-joke character, I don't know who is), but it's funny.

Very nice role for Willie.

"missy" (as an address, not a name) shouldn't be capitalised.

Still looking good, and fixing one of the few problems I had with the earlier post (Lisa's character). I'll continue reviewing soon.

[c_nordlander]

Continuing with Part 3:

Patty and Selma are certainly in character.

I'm happy Marge is getting a new job, and her motivation is sympathetic.

A small nitpick: funny as the scene with Jasper is, I can't help but feel that it would be more suited to Hans Moleman. You may want the opinions of other readers on it. The "hero" line is indeed great, though.

The scenes in the school are great. Also Skinner going to the plant.

The long bit with Lenny and Carl is funny. I suspect a "Brokeback Mountain" parody (haven't seen it, so I wouldn't know), but I'm glad you didn't take it further than that. They're just good friends, after all.

I don't know the tune of the song, but the montage is hilarious, and the new lyrics seem good, apart from the missing "the" in Apu's verse. (And that sort of thing is hard to fix.)

I was a bit unsure about the return of the Man With A Giant Hand, but the ending of his scene is great.

While I probably don't get any of the references in the car racing scene, this is a great development of Marge's plotline. (And Marge manages to stay herself while living life in the fast lane, too.) I can't wait to see her compete.

That competition will be full of garage punk emo kids that everyone likes somehow.

I like it!

I'm pretty lukewarm to the scene where Nelson beats up Martin. It's not bad, but it's been done so many times. In case you ever feel you need to cut down this script, that scene could probably go. (Lisa's "that was random" line is a bit funny, but not really enough.) Bonus points for correct Latin, though. I don't see that too often in fanfics.

I like Bart's lame blackboard line. It's a simple joke, but shows how many he must have gone through.

Yay! Leopold!

"Scot" should be capitalised.

It should be "sergeant".

The little flashback with Skinner is funny.

Funny way to end.

Well, while I don't really know where this script is going, I'm whole-heartedly enjoying it so far. Everyone's in character (even Lisa, whom I was a bit unsure about earlier), and all the different plotlines are intriguing. The pace is nice as well. (Perhaps a little slow, but again, I don't know how long this script will be or how much you plan to happen.) You have some hilarious lines.

I haven't really got any negative comments, other than a few spelling mistakes and typoes. The scene where Nelson beats up Martin feels a bit lame, like I said, and some scenes feel very wordy (when they shouldn't be, unlike Professor Frink's scenes). You may consider cutting long bits of dialogue to make them more to the point. A lot of the racing scene didn't feel very funny to me. This is probably my own fault for not having seen the film it's based on, but you might still consider making it funnier for those not familiar with it. The last two instalments felt a bit slow on jokes as well. What there was wasn't bad, and I can feel it's focusing on plot more than jokes. It's not really a bad thing, just an observation.

Keep it up!

[Focusyn]

A small nitpick: funny as the scene with Jasper is, I can't help but feel that it would be more suited to Hans Moleman. You may want the opinions of other readers on it.

I was originally thinking of Hans Moleman for this one too, but I wanted to keep Moleman "alive" for something I might use him for later.

The long bit with Lenny and Carl is funny. I suspect a "Brokeback Mountain" parody (haven't seen it, so I wouldn't know), but I'm glad you didn't take it further than that. They're just good friends, after all.

I didn't see Brokeback Mountain either, so I'm just going on the general impression I have from that movie. If anyone's seen it, feel free to give me a suggestion on a specific scene or something to parody.

I don't blame you for not seeing any of the Fast/Furious movies. There's a lot of visual humour going on in the race scenes and perhaps "seeing" it in action would probably make it more interesting.

Again, thanks for the positive comments, Immaterial and Lady_Simpson. I still have a lot to write to make this feature-length; I'm only about half-way through. Sometimes I have some plot points in mind and work jokes into that and sometimes I have jokes in mind and try to write plot around that. I do have a general idea on how all these plots are going to add up in the end and it's just a matter of plodding my way through. I'm enjoying every bit of it, though. Stay tuned for more!

[Focusyn]

The plot is really picking up in this installment. A lot is revealed, but there still remains a mystery as to what's really happening behind the scenes.

• Marge gets some inspiration from a familiar face
• The Battle of the Bands, Idol-style, and...
• The Council of Evil

[missy_misery]

This is really rather awesome - LOTS of minor characters are in play, used effectively, and the major ones have a terrific sense of being..well..themselves, which is always good.