Two drama Simpsons' stories
- Lady_Simpson
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Two drama Simpsons' stories
So...yeah.
I wrote these when I was 12 and just thought I'd post them now. I'm looking on feedback on how to possibly redo them using the same basic ideas.
They're both stories set when the Simpson kids are grown up with a few new added characters; "I Know What You Did This Summer" is the sequel to "Mother From Another Series."
So...enjoy.
But keep in mind I was 12.
I wrote these when I was 12 and just thought I'd post them now. I'm looking on feedback on how to possibly redo them using the same basic ideas.
They're both stories set when the Simpson kids are grown up with a few new added characters; "I Know What You Did This Summer" is the sequel to "Mother From Another Series."
So...enjoy.
But keep in mind I was 12.
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- IKnowWhatYouDidThisSummer.txt
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- MotherFromAnotherSeries.txt
- (15.53 KiB) Downloaded 444 times
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
- addictive
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Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
Well, then. What do you have against 12-year olds? :lol:
Find Me, A poem by Chris Dominowski.
If I am lost, and you do not care, will the search ever be fair?
Why am I here? What should I do?
The answer to this, I once knew.
Why should I be found if I always must hide?
I have tried so hard, my soul has died.
Over the years, In fear I have drowned. It is finally clear; I cannot be found.
Human, a poem by Chris dominowski
I wear sunglasses at night, but I carry a flashlight.
I turn from the flame, but stare at the ashes.
I walk into the woods, and never touch the trail.
I always look at my calander, but do not care what day it is.
I am the mixture of light and darkness; I am human.
If I am lost, and you do not care, will the search ever be fair?
Why am I here? What should I do?
The answer to this, I once knew.
Why should I be found if I always must hide?
I have tried so hard, my soul has died.
Over the years, In fear I have drowned. It is finally clear; I cannot be found.
Human, a poem by Chris dominowski
I wear sunglasses at night, but I carry a flashlight.
I turn from the flame, but stare at the ashes.
I walk into the woods, and never touch the trail.
I always look at my calander, but do not care what day it is.
I am the mixture of light and darkness; I am human.
- Lady_Simpson
- Trainee Technician
- Posts: 189
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 3:36 am
- Location: Victoria, BC; Canada
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
Juat making excuses for sucking.
Hehe.
Hehe.
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
- addictive
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Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
I'm twelve, and I'm really not good at all at writing. "Sigh" I guess you're right.
Find Me, A poem by Chris Dominowski.
If I am lost, and you do not care, will the search ever be fair?
Why am I here? What should I do?
The answer to this, I once knew.
Why should I be found if I always must hide?
I have tried so hard, my soul has died.
Over the years, In fear I have drowned. It is finally clear; I cannot be found.
Human, a poem by Chris dominowski
I wear sunglasses at night, but I carry a flashlight.
I turn from the flame, but stare at the ashes.
I walk into the woods, and never touch the trail.
I always look at my calander, but do not care what day it is.
I am the mixture of light and darkness; I am human.
If I am lost, and you do not care, will the search ever be fair?
Why am I here? What should I do?
The answer to this, I once knew.
Why should I be found if I always must hide?
I have tried so hard, my soul has died.
Over the years, In fear I have drowned. It is finally clear; I cannot be found.
Human, a poem by Chris dominowski
I wear sunglasses at night, but I carry a flashlight.
I turn from the flame, but stare at the ashes.
I walk into the woods, and never touch the trail.
I always look at my calander, but do not care what day it is.
I am the mixture of light and darkness; I am human.
- Lady_Simpson
- Trainee Technician
- Posts: 189
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 3:36 am
- Location: Victoria, BC; Canada
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
You're seriously 12?
Wow, you seem so much older.
(and you in no way suck at writing)
Wow, you seem so much older.
(and you in no way suck at writing)
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
- addictive
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Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
Me not suck? That good! Well, thank you, but I'm turning 13 tomorrow.
Find Me, A poem by Chris Dominowski.
If I am lost, and you do not care, will the search ever be fair?
Why am I here? What should I do?
The answer to this, I once knew.
Why should I be found if I always must hide?
I have tried so hard, my soul has died.
Over the years, In fear I have drowned. It is finally clear; I cannot be found.
Human, a poem by Chris dominowski
I wear sunglasses at night, but I carry a flashlight.
I turn from the flame, but stare at the ashes.
I walk into the woods, and never touch the trail.
I always look at my calander, but do not care what day it is.
I am the mixture of light and darkness; I am human.
If I am lost, and you do not care, will the search ever be fair?
Why am I here? What should I do?
The answer to this, I once knew.
Why should I be found if I always must hide?
I have tried so hard, my soul has died.
Over the years, In fear I have drowned. It is finally clear; I cannot be found.
Human, a poem by Chris dominowski
I wear sunglasses at night, but I carry a flashlight.
I turn from the flame, but stare at the ashes.
I walk into the woods, and never touch the trail.
I always look at my calander, but do not care what day it is.
I am the mixture of light and darkness; I am human.
- Lady_Simpson
- Trainee Technician
- Posts: 189
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 3:36 am
- Location: Victoria, BC; Canada
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
Happy 13th birthday, welcome to ...teenagehood!
Haha yay we're the only people posting in here.
Haha yay we're the only people posting in here.
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
- Lady_Simpson
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- Location: Victoria, BC; Canada
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
I'll be cool and post in my own thread again haha.
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
- c_nordlander
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Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
My opinions on "Mother from Another Series". Now, you probably already know that I give away constructive criticism in ample dollops, so remember: I am pointing out how you can improve your writing (as I see it, that is), not trying to insult you. And anyway, my comments are directed at your twelve-year-old self, not your present one. This story has a very interesting plot and decent characterisation, but nevertheless, some things can be improved.
The title isn't awful, but a bit corny, as it basically parodies a title that was a parody to start with. (Even if I've done it myself.)
The future careers of the Simpson kids are quite in character, but just writing them out as a summary at the start feels like taking the easy way. You should try to work that information into the story itself. Maggie going out with Gerald feels a bit silly, but not unlikely.
One thing that can be improved: you need more description. Not pages and pages of it, but show us what fifteen-year-old Maggie's room looks like, show us how she and Marge look at this stage in their life. (And this goes double for original characters like Diana.) You show a bit of their gestures and expressions, which is good.
It should be "*whom* she was talking to". Also, you need a colon when you have something like "she said" followed by dialogue.
The way Maggie fools Marge is funny and shows her character nicely.
Maybe you should specify that it is Diana who says the line about shopping. I was unsure who was the speaker. Since the following bit of dialogue is again spoken by her, it should be on the same line, following Maggie's thoughts about the homework.
It should be "would have", not "would of". (A bonus point for a Meatloaf reference, though.)
The following bit is nicely dramatic and good in principle, but due to the lack of description feels very rushed. Again, you know what everything looks like, but we readers don't, we need to be shown. Is the woman old or young? What does she look like? Where is she wounded? How does Maggie feel, seeing this traumatic event? Don't just list actions, describe them. Instead of:
I'm also not sure about "not-so-distant". It seems to bring in a slight note of levity that is inappropriate to the occasion. Also, "And a scream." as a separate sentence doesn't flow very well, but it adds a bit to the abruptness of the event.
The scene is a bit clichéd. I don't really know what to do about it, though, as it's not really a problem of the dialogue as much as of the melodramatic event itself.
The secret from Selma's past isn't too unlikely. A bit odd (considering Selma's often-seen obsession with her childlessness), but it fits pretty well in with such episodes as "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?".
It should be "psychiatrists' meeting", since there are presumably more than one psychiatrist there.
Diana's line is good, but I think having her "laugh" following the discussion of Selma's recently murdered daughter is a bit inappropriate.
Typo: "apon" should be "upon".
I don't think you need the exclamation mark after the sentence about the pictures.
Jessica seems to be in character.
It should be "coolly".
Typo: "needn't fear for *you* life".
The observation about Chief Wiggum feels in character, even if it's a facet of him not usually seen on the show.
It should be "thoroughly".
Only use one exclamation mark at a time.
It should be "any more sense".
Don't just write "Bart, dressed as a gangster", tell us what he's wearing. Similarly, describe the building, what Chief Wiggum sees when walking through it, etc.
It should be "releasing". Also, his grip on what? From the following bit, I assume it is his grip on Lindsay, but this should be specified.
Typo: "you'r".
The epilogue needs to be a lot longer. Instead of just telling us these facts, have a whole scene showing, say, Selma throwing a birthday party for Lindsay who thoroughly enjoys it, showing both that Selma has adopted her and that she is happy. Also, do we need the tagged-on bits about Lisa and Maggie? After all, these events are pretty marginal to this story, which is primarily that of the Simpsons finding out about Lindsay's existence and saving her.
Something that was never cleared up: since Christine begs Selma and the others to take Lindsay away from her (Lindsay's) father, I expected him to play a large part in the plot. Instead, he didn't even appear, and Fat Tony took the role as the main villain.
Well, if I had written this fic as a twelve-year-old, I would be proud. Apart from some typoes/misspellings and punctuation errors, which I've pointed out, it's formally very good. While the plot starts out a bit melodramatically, it isn't milked for emotion, and is generally very arresting and leading up naturally to an action-packed ending. The three Simpson siblings are pretty much in character. I'm a bit unsure about Lisa, who doesn't seem quite as intellectual as I would expect, but Bart is pretty good, and Maggie's character is nicely extrapolated from hints on the show. Diana gets a bit of character as well.
The main downside is that it is extremely short. This shows itself mainly in the lack of description, even of important actions. It's not enough to make it incomprehensible, fortunately, but it leads to a lack of atmosphere. Particularly the ending scene, which should be nail-biting torture, suffers from this. The suspense of Chief Wiggum and Bart moving independently from one another through the gangsters' headquarter, the terror of Fat Tony holding the child hostage, the dramatic finale, all pass by almost too quickly to be noticed. Describe, describe, describe. Even draw out on it a bit. This is the climax, after all. Also, you need to work important information into the story rather than just listing it at the start and end.
All in all, in spite of my many nitpicks, an enjoyable drama/action story. I hope I've given you enough pointers to make it even better.
The title isn't awful, but a bit corny, as it basically parodies a title that was a parody to start with. (Even if I've done it myself.)
The future careers of the Simpson kids are quite in character, but just writing them out as a summary at the start feels like taking the easy way. You should try to work that information into the story itself. Maggie going out with Gerald feels a bit silly, but not unlikely.
Should be "than", not "then".While her grades lean more towards BART'S then LISA'S
One thing that can be improved: you need more description. Not pages and pages of it, but show us what fifteen-year-old Maggie's room looks like, show us how she and Marge look at this stage in their life. (And this goes double for original characters like Diana.) You show a bit of their gestures and expressions, which is good.
It should be "*whom* she was talking to". Also, you need a colon when you have something like "she said" followed by dialogue.
The way Maggie fools Marge is funny and shows her character nicely.
An easily made mistake: dialogue tags like this one should not be capitalised. It should be "Hi Maggie. How's school?" her aunt asked. You get it right in some places later on, though. Good! (They also should never end with a full stop, as you have later. Use a comma instead in such cases.)“Hi Maggie. How’s school?” Her aunt asked.
See above: you shouldn't have a full stop here. It's a very funny line, though.Yeah, but then the dance might be cancelled, due to the occurrence of hell freezing over.” said Bart
Maybe you should specify that it is Diana who says the line about shopping. I was unsure who was the speaker. Since the following bit of dialogue is again spoken by her, it should be on the same line, following Maggie's thoughts about the homework.
It should be "would have", not "would of". (A bonus point for a Meatloaf reference, though.)
The following bit is nicely dramatic and good in principle, but due to the lack of description feels very rushed. Again, you know what everything looks like, but we readers don't, we need to be shown. Is the woman old or young? What does she look like? Where is she wounded? How does Maggie feel, seeing this traumatic event? Don't just list actions, describe them. Instead of:
Make it more visual, something along these lines: "Selma got a flick-knife out of the trunk and handed it to Diana, who bent over cutting strips from the itchy black fabric clothing the car seats. She bandaged the woman up with them, trying to stay her bleeding."Then she and Selma went to work making bandages out of the seat covers.
I'm also not sure about "not-so-distant". It seems to bring in a slight note of levity that is inappropriate to the occasion. Also, "And a scream." as a separate sentence doesn't flow very well, but it adds a bit to the abruptness of the event.
I think that for such an important moment, you should write out what Diana says. On the other hand, maybe the bare mention of it adds to the drama. I'm not sure.Diana, with tears in her eyes, promised that she would.
The scene is a bit clichéd. I don't really know what to do about it, though, as it's not really a problem of the dialogue as much as of the melodramatic event itself.
Very nice image!Selma was staring at the necklace like she expected it to bite her.
Two such short sentences after one another feels like too much. Combining them into: "But it was too late; Christine was gone." might be a good idea. As for the last sentence, it could be made less, well, unsubtle. It tells the reader what is going to happen, rather than actually showing how Selma realises that she must tell her family about Christine. I can't really suggest more than that.The ambulance arrived then, along with the police. But it was too late. Christine was gone. And Selma was left only with memories of a past that now must be brought out into the open……….
OK. Several people may sit *around* a table, but one person sits *at* it.That evening, Selma sat around the kitchen table,
The secret from Selma's past isn't too unlikely. A bit odd (considering Selma's often-seen obsession with her childlessness), but it fits pretty well in with such episodes as "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?".
Heh, nice.Even Homer felt sorry for her.
It should be "psychiatrists' meeting", since there are presumably more than one psychiatrist there.
Diana's line is good, but I think having her "laugh" following the discussion of Selma's recently murdered daughter is a bit inappropriate.
Typo: "apon" should be "upon".
I don't think you need the exclamation mark after the sentence about the pictures.
Good line! In fact, the whole scene is good, but there is rather too much dialogue (as opposed to description), which leads to increasingly extravagant "say"-words. Remember, you can go quite a long way with just "said", "asked" and "answered".If you help up out, maybe I will overlook the fact that you are smoking pot right now!”
Jessica seems to be in character.
It should be "coolly".
Typo: "needn't fear for *you* life".
The observation about Chief Wiggum feels in character, even if it's a facet of him not usually seen on the show.
Should be "what".I’m the Chief and what’s I say’s final.”
It should be "thoroughly".
Only use one exclamation mark at a time.
You need a comma after "voice", and "is" should be "was".Maggie, with rising anxiety in her voice told Lisa that Bart is planning to go undercover unauthorized to find Lindsay.
It should be "any more sense".
Don't just write "Bart, dressed as a gangster", tell us what he's wearing. Similarly, describe the building, what Chief Wiggum sees when walking through it, etc.
We should already have been told that a girl is sitting beside Fat Tony, unless she's hidden by the shadows and he abruptly brings her into the light. In which case, we should have been told that. In this way, it just looks as if the author has written her in without bothering to go back a paragraph.Taking his attention away from Chief Wiggum, he grabbed the young girl, apparently Lindsay, sitting beside him
I don't really think that two people would say this at the same time. Just one of them will do.“We’re too late!” they gasped.
It should be "releasing". Also, his grip on what? From the following bit, I assume it is his grip on Lindsay, but this should be specified.
"Quickly" adds nothing to this sentence. We know she's not running slowly.as Lindsay quickly ran away.
Typo: "you'r".
The epilogue needs to be a lot longer. Instead of just telling us these facts, have a whole scene showing, say, Selma throwing a birthday party for Lindsay who thoroughly enjoys it, showing both that Selma has adopted her and that she is happy. Also, do we need the tagged-on bits about Lisa and Maggie? After all, these events are pretty marginal to this story, which is primarily that of the Simpsons finding out about Lindsay's existence and saving her.
Something that was never cleared up: since Christine begs Selma and the others to take Lindsay away from her (Lindsay's) father, I expected him to play a large part in the plot. Instead, he didn't even appear, and Fat Tony took the role as the main villain.
Well, if I had written this fic as a twelve-year-old, I would be proud. Apart from some typoes/misspellings and punctuation errors, which I've pointed out, it's formally very good. While the plot starts out a bit melodramatically, it isn't milked for emotion, and is generally very arresting and leading up naturally to an action-packed ending. The three Simpson siblings are pretty much in character. I'm a bit unsure about Lisa, who doesn't seem quite as intellectual as I would expect, but Bart is pretty good, and Maggie's character is nicely extrapolated from hints on the show. Diana gets a bit of character as well.
The main downside is that it is extremely short. This shows itself mainly in the lack of description, even of important actions. It's not enough to make it incomprehensible, fortunately, but it leads to a lack of atmosphere. Particularly the ending scene, which should be nail-biting torture, suffers from this. The suspense of Chief Wiggum and Bart moving independently from one another through the gangsters' headquarter, the terror of Fat Tony holding the child hostage, the dramatic finale, all pass by almost too quickly to be noticed. Describe, describe, describe. Even draw out on it a bit. This is the climax, after all. Also, you need to work important information into the story rather than just listing it at the start and end.
All in all, in spite of my many nitpicks, an enjoyable drama/action story. I hope I've given you enough pointers to make it even better.
Last edited by Anonymous on Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
2Chris: Painful death to all adverbs!
I've finally read "Mother From Another Series" yesterday. Must say it was a nice story - short enough, but it had quite an interesting plot. To choose a story format was a good idea. I was a bit confused with the fact that Selma is actually a grandmother (heh heh, looks like Bart and Lisa have a grand-nephew now, no?), and that Bart didn't recognize Jessica. But overall, the plot was quite smooth. My favorite moments:
Sweet ending as well.
All in all, it was interesting to read. Like Chris said, very enjoyable piece of fanfiction. Keep it up
I've finally read "Mother From Another Series" yesterday. Must say it was a nice story - short enough, but it had quite an interesting plot. To choose a story format was a good idea. I was a bit confused with the fact that Selma is actually a grandmother (heh heh, looks like Bart and Lisa have a grand-nephew now, no?), and that Bart didn't recognize Jessica. But overall, the plot was quite smooth. My favorite moments:
Argh! Lisa's not! Good line though.Lisa?s the only one that makes good grades in this family, so why isn?t she considered the freak?
*LOL* I can't believe Bart said that! *imagines Jessica going away from funeral and smoking a pot* You know, I'd change this sentence to something different, like "this is an important information, you cannot hide it from police" or something like this. But it was funny anyway.You see Ma?am, I?m a cop. If you help up out, maybe I will overlook the fact that you are smoking pot right now!
Sweet ending as well.
All in all, it was interesting to read. Like Chris said, very enjoyable piece of fanfiction. Keep it up
- Lady_Simpson
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- Posts: 189
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- Location: Victoria, BC; Canada
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
Thanks so much everyone, but especially Immaterial for such an in-depth critique.
I actually only learned that
The title is quite corny lol...I'm really, really bad at coming up with titles though so this is probably better than what else I might think up.
So do you guys think it's acceptable in terms of plot line? Like not too cliche or just plain lame? I was thinking that the scene where Selma finds Christine on the street was slightly unrealistic, but maybe not.
Hope you enjoy it's sequel too (I think it's a bit better, although some people are probably more out of character.)
Thanks so much everyone!!
I actually only learned that
is wrong (by capitalizing "her") my last year of high school haha.“Hi Maggie. How’s school?” Her aunt asked.
The title is quite corny lol...I'm really, really bad at coming up with titles though so this is probably better than what else I might think up.
So do you guys think it's acceptable in terms of plot line? Like not too cliche or just plain lame? I was thinking that the scene where Selma finds Christine on the street was slightly unrealistic, but maybe not.
Hope you enjoy it's sequel too (I think it's a bit better, although some people are probably more out of character.)
Thanks so much everyone!!
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
- c_nordlander
- Insane Underling
- Posts: 12836
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Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
Selma finding Christine just like that is the only part of the plot I have real problems with (bar the slight unlikelihood of Selma having a child), since it seems to pile up dramatic coincidences: not only does Selma walk into her long-lost daughter, but she does it when she is at the point of dying. It seems too much of a coincidence. If you think about it, in "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" Homer didn't just bump into Herb, he started searching for him after Abe informed him of Herb's existence, and finally happened upon someone who knew about Herb. This seems like a far more likely way to find a lost relative.
I don't have any suggestions for how to change it, though. It isn't completely unrealistic: it makes sense for Diana to drive in the direction of a gunshot and a scream, and for her and the others to try to save the wounded woman. That she then turns out to be Selma's daughter is certainly a one-in-a-million chance, but it's not impossible. There might be ways to make it more realistic. (For example, Selma hears a rumour of Christine's whereabouts [without revealing to the others or the reader who this woman is], she asks Diana to drive towards that part of town, and arrives shortly after the murder.) I don't know.
One thing that could possibly be removed to lessen the cliché a bit is Christine telling Selma to give her necklace to her daughter. I'm not saying that it *must* be removed - it gives a nice bit a parallelism between the two pairs of mother and daughter in this story, and provides a dramatic focus. On the other hand, it is *extremely* clichéd, and not necessary. The plot would proceed as well if written like this: Christine asks the women to rescue her daughter, she dies, and Selma recognises the necklace she is wearing.
Again, it's up to you.
I don't have any suggestions for how to change it, though. It isn't completely unrealistic: it makes sense for Diana to drive in the direction of a gunshot and a scream, and for her and the others to try to save the wounded woman. That she then turns out to be Selma's daughter is certainly a one-in-a-million chance, but it's not impossible. There might be ways to make it more realistic. (For example, Selma hears a rumour of Christine's whereabouts [without revealing to the others or the reader who this woman is], she asks Diana to drive towards that part of town, and arrives shortly after the murder.) I don't know.
One thing that could possibly be removed to lessen the cliché a bit is Christine telling Selma to give her necklace to her daughter. I'm not saying that it *must* be removed - it gives a nice bit a parallelism between the two pairs of mother and daughter in this story, and provides a dramatic focus. On the other hand, it is *extremely* clichéd, and not necessary. The plot would proceed as well if written like this: Christine asks the women to rescue her daughter, she dies, and Selma recognises the necklace she is wearing.
Again, it's up to you.
Last edited by Anonymous on Tue Aug 08, 2006 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
- Lady_Simpson
- Trainee Technician
- Posts: 189
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 3:36 am
- Location: Victoria, BC; Canada
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
And if you guys should have the opportunity to read "I Know What You Did This Summer," do you think it serves well as a sequel or would it be better completely independantly? (like, without Lindsay, and having to completely re-introduce the characters in their adult selves)
Thanks.
Thanks.
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
- Lady_Simpson
- Trainee Technician
- Posts: 189
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 3:36 am
- Location: Victoria, BC; Canada
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
Oh yeah and...for anyone reading "I Know What You Did This Summer," I'm really just looking for feedback on the basic storyline; don't waste any time with spelling and grammar mistakes because I'll probably rewrite it almost completely, like I'm ending up doing with "Mother From Another Series" at the moment.
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
- c_nordlander
- Insane Underling
- Posts: 12836
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
- Custom Title: Got a job to do and a husband to "make love to"
Re: Two drama Simpsons' stories
As you requested, my opinions on "I Know What You Did This Summer":
I don't really care for the title. It's very facile, and for a story as dark as this, a parody title doesn't feel quite appropriate. I'm sure you can come up with something better.
Again, don't just start with a list of what the characters are currently doing and their family situations. Work the information into the story.
I love how you write adult Maggie as a chatterbox. Funny and canonical.
OK... Maggie's and Lindsay's car falls down a "deep chasm". I'm not an expert on this, but whether or not they're wearing seatbelts, a long drop would kill them or cause serious injuries. The car bursting into flames wouldn't be the biggest of their problems. Make them fall down a gully of more moderate depth, if you're keeping the accident.
Well, the plot works pretty well until about halfway through the story. The little red herring with the mystery caller is handled pretty well (though I suspected pretty early that it would indeed be a red herring), and the revelation of the real criminal comes at a dramatic moment (though it's never revealed just how Jessica knows about this). It is also a real surprise.
In fact, I think that's a problem: I can't really accept the identity of the killer. I'm not saying that it's *completely* impossible: I've accepted stranger character changes in fanfic. Given enough motivation, I think might become a psychopathic killer, but you need to foreground that a lot in the story. In fact, he doesn't even appear on-page until after he is revealed as the criminal. Just having a brief scene that shows him being slightly, perhaps humorously jealous of Lisa's career and earnings would give more credence to the revelation.
While at the subject, I don't think the revelation that he has been a mobster serves any purpose. It does add a bit of reason for his grievances (that Lisa has made him unable to pursue that path), but it also takes away from his character as seen on the show. I can imagine him as, perhaps, a frustrated and unstable working man driven into psychosis by old grievances and jealousy, but not as an organised criminal. I would also have wanted to find out more about his plot to use Lindsay against Bart, but that might not be possible to work into the story.
I don't like the "Tamzarian" (and that's how you spell it) ref. I and many other people don't like that, and it just generally seems uncalled for. Other than that, I like Skinner in that part.
The rest of the story is pretty well written, and the logistics of the chase feel sensible. It works up to a pretty good finale. I do think that Jessica's death was uncalled for, however, not to mention a pretty dire cliché. Remember, just because this is drama doesn't mean you have to off character left and right. (I know you know this, I'm telling it for the benefit of younger readers who have yet to make their own mistakes.)
I would like to thank you for ending this story on a dark (but still resolved) note. You don't go overboard with Lisa's sadness, and adding a note of hope or reconciliation would ring false in this case. The reader just has to take it on trust that she and her family will get over these horrible events, and that works fine.
All in all, apart from the above problems I have, the story works well. Characterisation feels good, particularly of Bart. It is good as a semi-independent sequel to your previous story, but it probably wouldn't suffer if you made it into an independent story. That's up to you, really.
My personal points for how to improve it:
-Simply, well, write it better. Put in more descriptions, particularly at tense moments, and make sure that the dialogue is interesting and non-clichéd.
-Don't have the two girls crash into a "deep chasm" and survive without injuries.
-Give Jessica a valid reason for knowing about the villain's plans.
-Ditch the bit about the villain's connection to the mob. *Show* his problems, don't just have him talk about them. Perhaps give him a bit more of a motive.
Well, those are my two cents. Let's hope some other readers chip in with theirs.
I don't really care for the title. It's very facile, and for a story as dark as this, a parody title doesn't feel quite appropriate. I'm sure you can come up with something better.
Again, don't just start with a list of what the characters are currently doing and their family situations. Work the information into the story.
I love how you write adult Maggie as a chatterbox. Funny and canonical.
OK... Maggie's and Lindsay's car falls down a "deep chasm". I'm not an expert on this, but whether or not they're wearing seatbelts, a long drop would kill them or cause serious injuries. The car bursting into flames wouldn't be the biggest of their problems. Make them fall down a gully of more moderate depth, if you're keeping the accident.
Well, the plot works pretty well until about halfway through the story. The little red herring with the mystery caller is handled pretty well (though I suspected pretty early that it would indeed be a red herring), and the revelation of the real criminal comes at a dramatic moment (though it's never revealed just how Jessica knows about this). It is also a real surprise.
In fact, I think that's a problem: I can't really accept the identity of the killer. I'm not saying that it's *completely* impossible: I've accepted stranger character changes in fanfic. Given enough motivation, I think might become a psychopathic killer, but you need to foreground that a lot in the story. In fact, he doesn't even appear on-page until after he is revealed as the criminal. Just having a brief scene that shows him being slightly, perhaps humorously jealous of Lisa's career and earnings would give more credence to the revelation.
While at the subject, I don't think the revelation that he has been a mobster serves any purpose. It does add a bit of reason for his grievances (that Lisa has made him unable to pursue that path), but it also takes away from his character as seen on the show. I can imagine him as, perhaps, a frustrated and unstable working man driven into psychosis by old grievances and jealousy, but not as an organised criminal. I would also have wanted to find out more about his plot to use Lindsay against Bart, but that might not be possible to work into the story.
I don't like the "Tamzarian" (and that's how you spell it) ref. I and many other people don't like that, and it just generally seems uncalled for. Other than that, I like Skinner in that part.
The rest of the story is pretty well written, and the logistics of the chase feel sensible. It works up to a pretty good finale. I do think that Jessica's death was uncalled for, however, not to mention a pretty dire cliché. Remember, just because this is drama doesn't mean you have to off character left and right. (I know you know this, I'm telling it for the benefit of younger readers who have yet to make their own mistakes.)
I would like to thank you for ending this story on a dark (but still resolved) note. You don't go overboard with Lisa's sadness, and adding a note of hope or reconciliation would ring false in this case. The reader just has to take it on trust that she and her family will get over these horrible events, and that works fine.
All in all, apart from the above problems I have, the story works well. Characterisation feels good, particularly of Bart. It is good as a semi-independent sequel to your previous story, but it probably wouldn't suffer if you made it into an independent story. That's up to you, really.
My personal points for how to improve it:
-Simply, well, write it better. Put in more descriptions, particularly at tense moments, and make sure that the dialogue is interesting and non-clichéd.
-Don't have the two girls crash into a "deep chasm" and survive without injuries.
-Give Jessica a valid reason for knowing about the villain's plans.
-Ditch the bit about the villain's connection to the mob. *Show* his problems, don't just have him talk about them. Perhaps give him a bit more of a motive.
Well, those are my two cents. Let's hope some other readers chip in with theirs.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon
-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"
Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.