3 of My Fanfic Scripts

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3 of My Fanfic Scripts

Post by klawedkillerkitten » Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:42 pm

This one is called "Homer the Poet"
http://nohomers.net/showthread.php?t=57255

And there's 2 at this location, "The Return of the Nerds" and "Awww...Crap, Another Clip Show"
http://nohomers.net/showthread.php?t=57257

Right now, I'm working on a Treehouse of Horror episode so I'll be posting it here when I'm done!
Read My Simpsons Fanfic Scripts - http://www.freewebs.com/simpsons_scripts
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Re: 3 of My Fanfic Scripts

Post by Dead Composer » Sun Aug 13, 2006 7:26 am

"Homer the Poet"

Has some good moments.  Could have used some actual attempts by Homer to write poetry, maybe about his misadventures.  When Dr. Hibbert asked, "But what were you doing with a hammer and nails near your eyes anyway?" I expected a funny comeback from Homer, such as, "I was chasing Bart around a hardware store, and I didn't look where I was going."  I give it a 5 out of 10.
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Re: 3 of My Fanfic Scripts

Post by Lady_Simpson » Thu Aug 17, 2006 11:04 pm

Homer the Poet:

Sea Captain: There there, son. At least you have an eye patch!
Homer: Yeah it is pretty cool isn't it!
Sea Captain: Can I touch it?
Homer: Okay! This is getting WEIRD! *jumps into the water and swims away to shore*
Mr. Captain: Arggh...I'm so lonely
LOL at that.


I can't give you too much advice on writing comedy/scripts, but I enjoyed this one.  Homer jumping from being a poet to being a pirate seemed a bit odd, I was expecting the episode to continue along the lines of something actually happening with Homer's writing.
But all in all I'd say it was an enjoyable read.

Return of the Nerds:

Some funny moments, but you used jokes very similar to those found on the show, and that's pretty much a no-no.  Your fundamental idea has potential, but I'd reccommend that you try to rewrite it again with more originality.


Awww...Crap, Another Clip Show

Again, you had some funny moments that were good.
But...it's a clip show, so right there that makes it incredably difficult for it to be a "good piece of writing."
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
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Re: 3 of My Fanfic Scripts

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Nov 03, 2006 10:16 pm

Opinions on "Homer the Poet":

Post fanfics as attachments instead of linking to them on another site. I'm not going to say this again, but please, do this in the future.

The title isn't amazing, but good. I like the idea as well.

The script format could do with some work. We're not too strict on formatting on this board, but speech headings in all caps and putting spaces between lines would be a good idea, for the sake of legibility.
Lisa: Hmmm...see how it reads 20th Century Fox at the bottom of this page?
Homer: Yeah.
Lisa: You know what that means?
Homer: The movie's gonna suck.
Heh heh, pretty good joke!

Spelling is overall good, but it's "Iliad" with one L, and you have a few unnecessary capitalisations. "Summer" and "dinner", for example.

A couple of witty lines in Homer's dialogue with Marge and Lisa about Homer.
If Jim Morrison could do it, I can do it
Another good one. You do need a full stop after these sentences, though.

A bit too much of "Homer is stupid and gets hurt" humour.

Flanders' appearance is pretty spot-on.

The dialogue before Homer tries to blind himself is decent (particularly "Eh, she'll be able to see mine"), but I think Homer getting the nail in his eye is too gross-out, not to mention it's not really made clear how he "accidentally" does it. Putting in some more detail, and having a black-out just before the nail hits the eye, might help.
Bart: Inspired to be a fat blind poet wannabe....haha
I think something wittier is needed here. (And no, I can't think of anything, I'm afraid.)

Homer choking different people at the hospital is marginally funny, but you need more stage directions. Something like: "Homer tries to grab Bart and instead grabs Marge, choking her", not just that different people "are choked". In fact, the choking goes on for a little bit too long. Homer's anger attacks are usually brief. Dr Hibbert's line is funny, though.

I really think Captain McCallister's appearance should go. It's just surreal for the sake of surreal, and not particularly funny.

When the scene changes (say, from Homer's workstation to Mr Burns's office), you should *say* so. Even if it's just: "Cut to: Mr Burns's office".

Mr Burns mistaking Homer for a pirate is kind of funny, if a bit old, but I don't really like the following pirate adventure. Again, it's too random, and the pay-off wasn't really worth it. I realise that Homer needs to go through some more hardships before the ending, but it would be better if they were directly connected to his poetry attempts.
Here you go mr.Burns.
Fix.

I really like the idea of an Ancient Greece-themed Itchy & Scratchy episode, but this description is very vague. I'm sure you can think of something better.

The ending is a bit weak. I like how Marge cheers up Homer, but... well. It's funny, just not very funny.

For someone who's just starting out, this isn't bad. While there have been some jokes about Homer's namesake on the show, basing a fanfic on it is an original idea. I can see a definite story arc, and there are a few good lines. Nobody is grievously out of character (I had some trouble with Marge's behaviour at the end, but she could do something like that to make Homer happy.)

On the other hand, there are some things you need to work on. It's quite short, though that might not be a problem. More importantly, the pirate storyline just feels tacked on, as I said above. Too many of the jokes just fell flat. I'm not very good at comedy, so I can't really offer any advice. Just keep working on your writing.

Also, like previous reviewers, I would have enjoyed if there had actually been some poetry in the script. But that's up to you.
Last edited by Anonymous on Sat Nov 04, 2006 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 3 of My Fanfic Scripts

Post by c_nordlander » Mon May 21, 2007 2:26 pm

My opinions on "The Return of the Nerds".

I like the title.

All right, this seriously needs some stage directions. You should at least inform the reader where the scenes take place. I could infer that the first scene takes place at the nuclear power plant, but tell the reader this. Writing speech headings in ALL CAPS also helps clarity.

I don't think Moe's serves food. The "who said it was free" joke is kind of good, though.

"continuasiually" is not a word. Do you mean "continuously", or did you just use a made-up word? (If it's the latter, that seems out of character for Smithers.)

I like the word search.

Mr Burns calling Homer "tubby" seems out of character for him as well.

I rather liked the nerds from "Homer Goes to College". This could be interesting.

Again, scene directions are sloppy. If Milhouse comes in with the nerds, you need to tell that in the stage direction. If he just turns up out of nowhere, then have something like: "Cut to Milhouse, standing inexplicably in the office" or words to that effect. (I'm personally none too fond of random appearances like that, but it's probably a taste thing.)

Writing the nerds' names looks better than just "Nerd 1". The names appear in the episode guide. If you don't own the guide, an Internet search might help.

I like the clip from "Homer Goes to College" and the following exchange:
Homer: C'mon guys, remember how much fun we had in the dorm?
Nerd 3: Getting expelled wasn't that much fun...
It's spelled "retard".

The mutated rattlesnake joke is a bit recycled (feels like the poisoned donut out of "Homer's Triple Bypass"), but at least it's in character for Burns and Smithers.

The scene where the nerds get fired is funny (particularly Homer being saved by Mr Burns's inability to remember him), but I can't help but feel that Burns isn't given enough reason to fire them, even for him. Maybe if Homer led them to do something more serious, or just had them goofing around for a couple of days.

I don't think "HAAAAAAAAAAA!" is really such a good way to transcribe Homer's scream. I don't remember him making an H-sound. (I tend to go with "WAUGH!", but that's just me.) Just writing as a stage direction "Homer screams" might be better.
Bart: Mom, Lisa's is making good come backs!
Nice one! In fact, the whole scene has good one-liners.

The double-entendre with Burns and Smithers... again, a bit old, but I'm in a silly mood so I find it funny.

I'm sure you mean "nerd's grandma's house", since she can't be the grandma to *all* the three nerds.
Homer: But I'm sorry! And I promise not to call you guys nerds anymore! I'll call you by your real names. Gary, um....., and you two.
Another fairly good line.

Snake's appearance feels a bit superfluous, but I guess it serves its purpose. On the other hand, the plot twist about the nerds' careers, while rather good (if a bit on the unrealistic side) is 1) delivered in rather dry expository dialogue, and 2) must have demanded more time than seems to have passed in the story. Even a timelapse of a few days might work better.

The very ending is rather tacky as well ("The Old Man and the Lisa", anyone?). I can't think of anything better, though. Perhaps, just an idea: instead of simply telling Homer what happened, the three nerds take him to the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant, show him science-fictionally impressive premises and workers just slacking around, and *then* drop the bomb about getting raises.

So, to sum up: as jokes go, this is probably your best script so far. Nothing really ROTFLOL funny, but quite a few clever lines. Characterisation is largely good, and I enjoyed seeing the nerds again. The final plot twist, while a bit rushed like I said, works nicely.

The main problem, apart from ones I've pointed out, is that this is far too short. I didn't time it, but I suspect it's closer to five than twenty-five minutes. Of course, a script shouldn't be bloated with irrelevant material just to reach episode length, but I feel there are bits that could be expanded to great gain: primarily the bit where the nerds are working for Homer.

Just keep going like this. I'll read the last script at some other time.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


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Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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Re: 3 of My Fanfic Scripts

Post by c_nordlander » Tue Mar 25, 2008 5:52 pm

Comments on "Aww... Crap, Another Clip Show":

I'm really not happy about this concept. I'm sure you can understand why a clipshow in a fanfic is a fairly pointless idea.

The opening is mildly amusing, particularly Abe's line.

Typo: it's "wiener", not "weiner".

The mafia plot comes completely out of nowhere.
Homer: Aw..the basement. Our lone protection from the forces of evil and harm.
Good line.

Fat Tony bursting in is kind of funny, too.

Moe saving Homer with the fan machine is random, but at least it's the show's own random. Him trying to hit on Marge is good too.

His name is spelt "Szyslak".

I like the "you have a bit of drywall stuck to the back of your head".

The ending could be more original. It's just reusing the joke from "The Homer They Fall".

Well... it's a rare occasion when I am completely negative towards a fanfic, but a clipshow fanscript is simply not a good idea. It would also be improved if there was more of a lead-up to Homer being chased by Fat Tony. On the upside, there are some OK lines (though nothing made me laugh out loud), and at least the majority of the clips are funny (the exception is the "A Tale of Two Springfields" one). Nobody's out of character, either, though it is such a short script, there would be little scope for that.

Write original things from now on.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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