Separate Lives, Separate Lies (Part 1)

[THIEFOFALWAYS]

This was the one that, I believe it was, immaterial didn't like the sound of. She doesn't like the character of Ziff, but I have struggled here to make the guy somewhat likeable. I've really tried to create a sense of a character evolving through Artie Ziff. This is only part one mind you. I may re-edit this and combine it with part two, though I've been resisting the urge to submit this because I keep re-writing it.

You'll notice I'm going with only literary prose because I feel a bit limited as far as script format. I want to downplay several of the darker elements and feel more capable doing that in this format.

Please give it a chance. I still have one other part to go so Artie isn't a totally different person yet. Similarly, Marge is, since the circumstances of her life have changed and for now are mostly unknowable for the audience.

Again, this is my first attempt at writing for this forum so please don't totally tear this apart yet. Its only the beginning of a much longer story.

Thanks and enjoy.

[THIEFOFALWAYS]

Well, any opinions? Suggestions? Ideas?

[Lady_Simpson]

I'll review this one for you as soon as I get my home internet back, promise.

[THIEFOFALWAYS]

Thanks, Lady_Simpson. Talk to you soon then.

[Lady_Simpson]

Well you're a phenominal writer; I love your imagery and style.
And I liked the idea behind the story, I think that Artie Ziff has potential in terms of being expanded upon.

In a way, however, your descriptive writing style seems to somewhat hurt the story.  It seemed to be slightly slow-moving in terms of getting started, in the sense that I still didn't feel like I knew what was happening exactly.  At the beginning, Artie appeared to be in a jail cell and starving himself...then, Homer is in trouble and Artie's his lawyer?  I didn't understand that part. 
And the relationship between Artie and Marge wasn't clear to me, either.  I'm guessing that she and Homer were once dating, then Marge and Artie married later, broke up, and then Artie was with Selma?

So really the only thing I'd have to say is that...since it's not based on anything that we saw on the show, make whats-happening and who's-who a bit clearer, a bit nearer to the beginning.

[THIEFOFALWAYS]

"Well you're a phenominal writer; I love your imagery and style."

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for your compliments. I've been loading up on authors like Henry James, Victor Hugo, Lovecraft, Anne Rice, Poe, Barker and Caleb Carr in order to prep myself for writing this fanfic. I've been writing since I was 12 and am 25 now, so this is the first thing I've written for anyone else to read.

As far as the descriptions, I'm afraid I love to write them, I'll try to chose more carefully where I put them but then again think when you read something you should have a clear picture in your head of what's happening. That brings me to the scene where Artie blinks and awakens to find himself in front of Homer, in a different room. This could be the reason why it took this long for a review, so many people reading it and wondering what they just read. I'll try to rewrite it to clarify what's happening.

So let me clarify the things that my narrative could not, okay, here we go. This story harkens back to the episode of the Simpsons where Marge goes to the prom with Artie and not Homer, Artie assaulted Marge and Marge leaves, she stumbles upon Homer whose walking alone and they meet up, that's where they're relationship really began. Eventually they get married and have kids. The premise of this story is that Artie has to face the fact that of all the things he regrets the time he made that mistake with Marge was his biggest, had he been kinder to Marge his life would be better. As we see now, its only worse.

An angel named Charlie visits Artie in hopes to prompt him to admit he made a mistake on that night so many years ago. When he finally does admit to it things suddenly change. Within the literal blinking of an eye, his eye, everything has changed at that moment. He is no longer sitting in a jail cell across from Charlie but in a room with Homer Simpson, who never again pursued a relationship with Marge after his failure at prom and is now an alcoholic with a hit and run charge (Artie was assigned the case as Homer's lawyer).

As far as the ambiguity with Artie's relationship with Marge there is a lot of it here. Most of it was intentional but I'll try to clarify what I already meant to express in the narrative. Marge is married to Artie, she compromised her hope of going to Art School (this harkens back to the episode where we found a picture Marge painted of a certain singer she had a crush on as a teenager) so she could put Artie through Law School. Why did Artie go to Law School? Again that's something I'm going to get to in Part 2. For whatever reason it was important to him to become a lawyer. Marge found the financial means to put Artie through Law School, her employer at the station she co-anchors at helped with this, again this plays into Part 2. So she clearly has a secret she's keeping from him, not just the miscarriage I alluded to.

Whatever faults Artie has here are not something he's intentionally doing or even really aware of. As far as the reference to Selma at the beginning, there was an episode of the Simpsons where Artie moved in with the Simpsons and ended up passing over controlling stock of his company to Homer, this got Homer arrested when the majority shareholder (which would be Artie) was caught defrauding the company. Artie, in the end, turned himself in and out of sympathy Selma began a relationship with him. This story picks up where that one left off, he's months into his sentence and gets a letter from Selma saying she's breaking up with him. Though it doesn't bother him initially it eventually gets to him, right when he discovers he can't eat anymore.

I realized looking back on it now there are a few sort of Ingmar Bergman moments here, characters staring off into the distance, physically and emotionally distant. So I'll try to tone that down, it lends itself to feeling of passivity in the characters that slows down the story. Again I'll try to tighten the narrative up.

Thanks for your help Lady_Simpson, it was much appreciated.

[archonix]

It strikes me that if you have to spend more than four paragraphs explaining the story they you probably need to re-write it. While a narrative shouldn't be required to explain everything, it should at least give the reader an idea of what is going on, otherwise what's the point of telling the story?

[THIEFOFALWAYS]

This isn't the final draft, that's why I split up the work into two parts and am having it reviewed on Fanfic Opinions board. I'm going to use this feedback to rewrite it.

In regards to the explaination there were many plot points to explain. Since I had to explain them again I can only blame myself for bad writing. Sorry.

I suppose I put far more emphasis on the prose itself than the actual readability of the narrative. My bad.

As far as my long rant about every plot point I could think of I was just covering as much ground as I could since Lady_Simpson struck me as a bit vague about what she said struck her as ambiguous. There are things in the story that were meant to be left ambiguous and I had trouble deciphering what of the elements she misunderstood I intended her to not know and which I did intend her to know.

The main character is throughout the course of the story still trying to figure out what's happening to him, here or there and so since the reader follows this person's point of view is equally as confused about this or that. Artie himself has little knowledge of the relationship between him and Marge, the sudden appearance in a room as Homer's lawyer is equally as stupifying an experience for Artie himself. I feel a bit like I'm trying to explain a David Lynch film to an uninitiated person here, certain things will remain mysterious for now and be revealed in part two.

But before I get to part two I'll start my rewrite of part one. I'll submit the two together in this board again later.

For now I'll answer any questions you have and take note of any further comments or requests you may have as far as the story. Thanks.

[Lady_Simpson]

It was mainly the angel-named-Charlie part which confused me the most, I think.  Once you explained that, the rest of the story seemed to fall into place much better.  Explain that part much better in the story, and the rest of it should start to fall into place.  Although a quick read-over and clarifying the little things could be worthwhile, too.

[c_nordlander]

At long last, my opinions. Backlog backlog...

The title doesn't do much for me. Not awful, but not inspired either. I guess it serves its purpose.

The writing is good, if more than a little stilted in places. Very long sentences seem to be more of a rule than an exception. It seems to suit Artie's character, but you might still want to read over it and make sure you're not complicating it for the sake of complicating.

The first day that Art stopped leaving his cell they actually brought him his food.

I don't think "actually" is needed here, and anyway it occurs in the next sentence as well.

It was strange, that a little thing that appeared and he was once capable of ignoring in the beginning, could linger until it grew into something so big it became impossible to ignore.

This is one example of what I meant about complicated sentences. I'd change to something like "It was strange, that a little thing he was capable of ignoring when it first appeared could linger until it grew into something so big it became impossible to ignore." I'm also not entirely sure about using the word "ignore" twice in the sentence. Perhaps change one of them to "put out of his mind" or the like.

The small pink rectangle of paper sat somewhere between the two inch box spring and mattress back in Art's cell. The one that arrived in the mail inside folded embroidered stationary with his name on the front.

The second sentence is a fragment. Some readers are more tolerant of this than others. Perhaps you should change it to "It was the paper that arrived in the mail..." etc. (Otherwise, "the one" seems to refer to the cell.) And shouldn't it be "had arrived"? I like the "folded embroidered" bit.

Spell check: it's "stationery".

You change between "Art" and "Artie" at the start. I don't know if there's a reason for it, but if not, you should probably stick to one of the two. I'll call him Artie in this review, I'm more used to that.

He thought at the time, that the woman being Marge's sister would somehow ignite some lingering genetic thread of familiarity that he would fall in love with.

I love this bit. I think it needs a comma after "thought", though.

Though, deep down inside he would question, at even his least self-assessing moments if he ever truly loved Marge,

Again, needs a comma after "moments".

This bit feels a bit maudlin, but that's in character. (I think; I have little idea of Artie's character.)

Spelling: it's "speck", not "spec" (unless short for "specification" or the like).

These moments of self-awareness hadn't breached Artie's willingness to exist outside of these walls one day though.

Needs a comma before "though".

That thought, the thought of not living until the moment he could leave didn't even enter his mind until the moment he tried to go back to eating.

Needs a comma after "leave".

I'm not a doctor, but if someone didn't eat for three weeks, they would be in a terrible state, and, if in a prison, would have been given medical care a long time ago. I believe four weeks is about as much as a human can survive without food. Perhaps you should shorten the time to just a few days or a week, I'm sure that would be bad enough. (I'm not entirely sure whether that's what you wrote, see below.)

Something cramped and crawled strangely inside of him and suddenly he knew his stomach had stopped assessing whatever he was consuming as food.

Excellent description. I'm not sure about "suddenly", though: the sentence works just as well without it.

He promptly relinquished the food and watched it reappear on the pavement around his lap.

I was unsure about "relinquished" at the start, but on second thoughts I think I like it: the abstract flavour of the word seems to suit the way Artie's body has become something ancillary to him, and even his physiological functions seem removed.

He tried smaller pieces but yielded again and again the same results.

Continues good, but I think I'd change it to "but it yielded" etc.

Two days later his face was gaunt, so much so that he could feel the features formed around his teeth on the outside of his face.

I have an idea of what is going on here, but it could be phrased much more clearly. Concretion is good. How about "he could feel the mounds formed by his teeth through his cheeks" or something along those lines?

Then there's the "third week" bit, which puzzles me a little. As far as I've made out, the story proceeds like this: Artie goes three weeks without eating - Artie tries to eat, but it makes him sick - Artie decides to stop eating again, on the third week of starving. But if I'm having problems figuring out what's going on, you might want to phrase it in a clearer way. (Unless there is some sort of time displacement thing going on, what with Artie's mental state.)

Any smell took its time to permeate from the already dried bread and water, though they would eventually sink into the veneer of the styrofoam beneath them, merging with green mold.

I like this bit, but "permeate" doesn't make much sense here. Things permeate *through* something. I think you mean that it takes a long time for the smell to emanate from the spoilt food. Also, "took its time" seems a bit anthropomorphic.

The first few days without food left him drained

I think "had left" is better here.

I like this whole bit a lot.

Spelling: "copping" should be "coping".

Also, you use "drained" twice in this sentence, which feels a bit dull. In fact, this sentence (the one beginning "The first few days") feels extremely long. I'm sure you could split it into two for easier reading.

He awoke the last day to the sound of the door at the far end of the low ceiling cube being closed. The small, metal mechanisms beside the one-sided doorknob twitching to life then dying with stillness again.

Another sentence fragment that should be merged with the previous sentence. (I know, now I'm asking you to make your short sentences longer...)

The voice came before the image or even the coolness of his silhouette draped over him.

I like this bit, but the last few words make little sense, since "him" seems to refer back to the unnamed man, and that can't be the case. Change to "draped over Artie", if that's what you mean.

Very good description of the man, but needs a comma after "furry".

Artie’s eyes hadn't fully contemplated what he was seeing, the room slowly began to appear in the distance all around the small old man and suddenly he knew the apparition existed in the world around him and not just his mind.

I don't know if "contemplated" is the right word to be used of eyes ("comprehended" might be better, though I'm still unsure), but mainly, I think this should be split into two sentences, with a full stop after "man".

Artie's reaction is very realistic.

This is a very interesting development, and the writing seems to get a lot better once the weird events start. There is a lot of vivid description, good stuff like that.

Typo: "manilla" should be "manila". (It's spelt correctly later on.)

[quoe]The distortion leant Artie to speculation[/quote] I think you mean "lent" (as in past tense of "lend"), and even so I'm not sure whether this is a real expression. But English isn't my first language, so don't take my word for it.

The boy was obviously unconscious though all parts with the exception of his face would move from one snapshot to the next.

Should be "with the exception that his face would move". Excellent description otherwise.

When Artie's eyes moved from the folder back to Homer he saw with what difficulty Homer must've overcome to say anything.

Good, but "overcome" needs to have an object.

To be continued...

[c_nordlander]

My opinions, continued.

Artie stopped, he was careful to avoid eye contact, and instead kept it on the closed top of the folder,

Needs something like "and instead kept his gaze" etc. Also, "top of the closed folder" makes more sense.

He placed the mechanism on the table top

I don't really like paraphrases like this. Just saying "tape recorder" again won't hurt. (I know I've complained about you re-using words in close proximity earlier, but common nouns and names that actually play a part in the story don't seem to jar as much as other words.)

This whole bit is good. Not much to say about it.

The description of Artie's palatial house has confusing moments, but I realise that's the point.

I very much like the bit about the paintings.

that perhaps he painted those pictures.

Should be "had painted", unless Artie is still painting them. The next sentence is a fragment again.

Marge being described as "the woman from the portraits" is excellent.

though despite his earlier musings that scared him a little more than fascinated right now.

This is a bit of telling instead of showing. Instead of saying that outright, show through the descriptions how Artie feels about this. (I have problems with this myself, I know.) Same thing later when he starts to think badly of Marge.

Artie began to replay the way she placed and sounded out her words, interrogating the verse for any hint of guilt, dishonesty or otherwise alternative meaning. He felt completely lost though. Without an index of memories to reference he just didn’t know this woman.

Excellent. The word "verse" doesn't seem right here, though.

Marge’s head sunk into the median between Artie’s neck and shoulder.

I'm sure there is a better word than "median".

Marge cut off his words with a kiss, and Artie knew it wasn’t out of love but the necessity to cut off his words before whatever he was saying became unbearable.

I think "cut off his words" twice in a sentence is too much. You could change one of them to "interrupt" for better effect.

I also think the last sentence of this scene is a bit clichéd and can be cut entirely. You've presented the mystery here (and an interesting one it is), there's no real need to spell it out.

the knowledge that what Homer did he did under the influence and not intentionally.

Should be "had done", seeing how the accident is in the past.

There was still, though the issue of experience.

Needs a comma after "though".

Something that, once again, some memory of his life would provide, but he didn’t have the courtesy of actually remembering was

Needs a comma after "remembering". Other than that, a very insightful bit, this and the following sentence. (I don't think "who he had been" is necessary, though.)

Typo: "be excommunicated" should be "been".

I'm *really* uninterested in legal matters, so it's to your credit that you make this case so clear (and not too melodramatic, either, something that could easily have gone on from the nature of the photographs).

I don't see how the word "elegancy" (the state of being elegant, according to my online dictionaries) is suitable here, unless there is another meaning I don't know about. The only possibility I can think of is that it's a typo-with-auto-spellcheck for "allegiance".

and so with no difficult did he open a single one.

This seems an unnecessarily complicated way of saying "and so he had no difficulty opening a single one".

for which he was totally unfamiliar.

Should be "with which" etc.

His mind had gone back to Marge, who even though he was now married to her he knew even less about her.

Two different constructions are mixed up here. It should be either "whom he knew even less about even though he was now married to her", or a full stop after "Marge" and then a new sentence beginning "Even though he was now married to her" etc. I really like the last sentence in that paragraph.

Typo: you need the word "in" before "the large white room with Homer."

The bit about Artie's new memories is very interesting. No complaints here.

Typo: "what he know had".

The object form of "who" is "whom". You got this wrong in some places.

So then was the fault with Marge for withholding these things from Artie or Artie for not compromising himself for the sake of Marge’s happiness.

Needs a question mark.

he came to realization that he’d begun to forget some of those of his father.

Should be either "he came to the realization" or "he came to realize". Either way is fine with me.

The version of his mother who didn’t die, the person who as she grew older had grown closer to him and aspired for higher hopes for him was suddenly distant.

Needs a comma after "him". I love the next sentence.

The whole bit about his memories is excellent, but I particularly like his scribbling on the folder. It concretises his confusion very nicely.

Typo: "all across the table in a the shifting collage"

I'm not sure about the semi-script format in the dialogue between Artie and Selma. It worked in the dialogue with the prosecution lawyer, because, well, it gives an air of formality. But this is the kind of arty (no pun) feature that should be used sparingly. The talk with Selma should probably be written "properly" (with dialogue tags, or none, and so on).

Artie realized, from what he’d held onto, they disappeared as quickly as the pieces of paper he could use.

This makes no sense. If you mean that Selma takes his papers from him, say so.

The story about Evan is nicely poignant without being milked for melodrama. Easy to predict from the earlier foreshadowing, but that's not a bad thing.

now there was so much more that, Artie realized, as much as Selma may have liked to hurt him with, she wasn’t going to tell him.

Another nice line.

Marge had come back from work, adorning her signature beige blouse,

The word "adorning" doesn't seem to make any sense here. Surely the verb should be "wearing" or "sporting" or something of that meaning?

I find it rather interesting that in this alternate universe, Marge has a job, and a fairly prestigious one at that. It gives a bit more nuance to the situation: I (and perhaps other fans as well) tend to imagine that Marge would become nothing but a bored trophy wife if married to Artie.

Typo: "I will be there will my husband,"

Though, to find out more about this situation with him not being wanted at the station’s holiday ball lingered now,

I'm sure there's a clearer way to put that.

Well, I enjoyed reading this, and I wouldn't have taken all that trouble suggesting how to improve it if I didn't. The storyline isn't all that original, neither the "chance to change your life" part nor the "what if Marge had married Artie" part. (In fact, it's the third example of the latter plot that I've seen on this site. I guess that's only to be expected, with a canonical almost-relationship like this.) Still, you're taking that plot in an interesting direction.

Characterisation seems flawless. Artie isn't one of my favourite characters by any means, but he feels both real and fairly sympathetic here, so you're obviously doing something right. Marge shines: she is different from on the show, but with a valid reason for all the changes. In fact, her characterisation would probably dispose me in favour of this fic even if the rest of it sucked (and it doesn't). Homer is good, for what time he has, and you give a very interesting picture of him through Artie's eyes. The writing starts out a bit stilted, which makes the story rather hard to get into for the first couple of pages, but once Artie lands in the alternative world, the style gets a lot more vivid and colourful.

The downsides? I'm a bit sick of the "angel gives someone a chance to change their life" storyline, but I'm not asking you to change that. The stylistic stiltedness is a problem: poise is good in style, but clarity should come first. There are only the occasional spelling mistake or typo, but do fix the lack of commas: in long sentences like this, correct use of commas is vital. I'm also unsure about some of the stylistic quirks such as the pseudo-script dialogues, as I mentioned above.

All in all, the good by far outweighs the bad. By all means write the second part.

[THIEFOFALWAYS]

I had almost totally forgotten this. It must've been almost a year ago now that I wrote this. I wasn't exactly expecting anyone to pick apart the grammar on this thing. I was more hoping that the criticism would be more about the characters, foreshadowing and where the story is headed. Glad to see that the good outweighs the bad though. I suppose I went a little too Lovecraft on the description level and little too flowery and meticulous on the prose (albeit occassionally nonsensical).

It will be interesting to see when I return to this thing how much my prose has changed since I wrote the first part. Let me dig this thing up and see where I left off last.