OPINIONS: Stupid is What Ralph Does

[klawedkillerkitten]

My latest script. I still would like some opinions and suggestions before I post it to my website for reviews.

[c_nordlander]

My opinions:

Typo: it should be "theirs", not "there's".

The opening scene is quite funny (though five paragraphs still shouldn't take that long), and I think Miss Hoover is in character.

The stage directions could be a bit more specific.

You've got some OK Ralph lines here, which isn't easy to do. His paper is very nice, though I think "choo choo train" is too childish, even for him. Could be removed.

Wiggum
Hmmm....(remembers eating the cake)

OK, you need something like a new line and: "Flashback: Wiggum eating the whole cake".

It's spelt "Kwik-E-Mart".

The joke with Homer wanting to use the bathroom feels recycled from "22 Short Films About Springfield". I do like Homer's line about always getting something from the Kwik-E-Mart, but the Creed joke feels a bit pointless.

A bit too many pants-wetting jokes. You can have too much of a good thing. I think Apu's line could be cut... in fact perhaps all except Ralph's "same pants" line and then Snake's one (which is great).

Ralph's line about his mommy and daddy is a bit tasteless and not that funny. Could be cut.

Snake
Oh no! My gun is stuck in your belt!

I think removing this line (unless you're keeping it for corniness value) and instead pointing it out in a stage direction would be better. This is a case where the scene needs to be made clearer.

Wiggum
Damn! I was hoping to sneak him into the terminally ill children wing of the hospital.

Nurse
Well, he could pass for one.

That's kind of good.

Ralph comes to live with the Simpsons... well, I could see that coming. The reason is kind of decent.

Bart
Cool. Another inferior besides Lisa, the cat, and Homer to torture!

I like that. Also Homer's next line.

I don't think the dog food bit is funny, and it goes on for a bit too long. I like "big Cheerios", though.

The Willie bit is kind of random, but funny nevertheless.

I like the bit with the roast pig. A bit Jerkass!Homer, perhaps, but not too bad.

Lisa
(looks for Ralph) Ralph! (Goes into the guest room) Ralph? (Sees the opened window) Uh oh...

These bits really need to be separate stage directions, not written as Lisa's actions.

Ralph running away is a nice plot development, but there aren't that many funny moments. Homer being scared of flu is just kind of lame, though I like him giving Ned money to shut up. The line about Abe is just set-up for a really overdone joke. Perhaps changing it to something along the lines of "HOMER: My dad's living down the street and I never go to visit!". Not perfect, but perhaps better.

The diarrhoea (which is how you spell it, BTW) reference is pointlessly crude. Abe's rant about walking is OK for an Abe rant, but I think the "dickity" is an unfunny previous episode reference. I think you could have written out more instead of just "Abe continues to talk". Also, call him either "Abe" or "Grampa".

The next dialogue with Homer and the kids is funny.

Homer
Yuck, it smells like death here.

Marge
You've been here over a dozen times!

Homer
And almost died here a dozen times, so you're point is....

Again, funny! Should be "your", though.

I like Homer's line about starving children, but his running out is a bit over the top, perhaps.

Typo: "battteries".

I like the revelation of Chief Wiggum's "injury", and Dr. Hibbert's line about him needing to recover is really funny.

The final jokes aren't that funny and all a bit gross.

Well... a mixed bag. On the one hand, this probably has the most funny lines of your fics, though the humour is a bit on the superficial side. (Some fall flat, but that's natural.) No-one seems out of character, and you manage some good Ralph lines. I would have liked seeing more depth to his character, "I Love Lisa" style (some unexpected intelligent moments, perhaps?), but I guess this is not that type of fic.

On the other hand, it feels flimsy. There's not a whole lot of plot there: there isn't even much tension in the search for Ralph, since we know early on that he's in the hospital (not that I mind that, it makes a lot of sense). I suspect it just needs more build-up, with tension between Ralph and the Simpsons in various ways. In fact, I thought the scene in Lisa's class was setting up for more of that. Also, the "random character moves in with OFF" has been done to, well, death.

In short, you've got some nice humour going here (though you might want to cut down on bad taste moments), but work on your plotting. Watch episodes you like and see how they build a plot arc, put gravity on important events etc.