OPINIONS-The Dark Matriarch of Springfield (CH 9 Up!)

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c_nordlander
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Re: OPINIONS-The Dark Matriarch of Springfield (CH 9 Up!)

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:59 pm

And continuing:
supine on the cushions, he looked over at the backpack he assumed was his sitting at the end of the couch,
Needs a full stop after "cushions", and another after "couch".

This whole scene is funny. Maggie's cute in this story.
and playfully stuck her tongue out at her brother then climbed down off the couch
Needs a comma after "brother".
Bart scoffed, he forced himself to sit up
You should have a full stop instead of a comma after "scoffed".

Typo: "the must awe" should be "most".

Needs a full stop after "eyes".
Maybe Lisa was finally reading cool stuff, he wondered, at last she is picking up some interesting things to be smart about.
Hilarious line.

You "lie" on a bed, not "lay". "Lay" is when you put something else down.

Needs a full stop after "sleepily".

Typo: "to proved" should be "provide".

Santa's Little Helper is great in this chapter.

Needs a full stop after "curiously".

The explanatory bit about how animals can sense evil powers feels a bit superfluous. It's a common bit of folklore, and even if the reader doesn't get it, the reaction of SLH is still good foreshadowing, particularly since the reader knows what the book is by now. Still, it's not badly written.

"what Santa's Little Helper had smelled" should really start a new sentence.

I love the cursive writing joke ending the scene.
who ever wrote it was damn good at cursive writing than he was.
You really need to change this to "a damn lot better" or something similar. Also, "whoever" should be just one word.

Needs a full stop after "clenching".

"The Joys of Art Censorship"... *LOL*
as worse than
This is obviously a typo.
Homer leaned against his chair with his prompt feet up on the controllers,
It's a nice description, but I don't think "prompt" is the word you're after. Did you mean "propped"?

Needs a comma after "categories".

The labels on the monitor are funny. In fact, there's a lot of good and witty writing here.

"Melt down" should be one word.

The scene with Catherine is very well-written and creepy.
Suddenly, her body flung through the air and collided with a wall deep into the plaster breaking into a deeply made dent,
The bit with "deep into the plaster" doesn't make much sense. Change. Also, there should be a full stop after this.
if it was Gideon,
I think this should start a new sentence.
with Grim Reaper's scythe in his hands.
Needs a "the".

Good chapter ending!

Well, this is certainly making me interested enough to read more. There are some very funny scenes, and everyone's still in character. The writing is really good in places (such as the scene at the very end), though you do need to work on those run-on sentences. The only problem I have with this chapter is the scene in the town square where Gideon basically gives up on Bart just because Lisa and Catherine defy him: it's seems he wouldn't have any qualms about killing a woman and a little girl to get his will. Anyway, the proceedings are dramatic and make me want to read more, so look forward to further reviews.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

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Re: OPINIONS-The Dark Matriarch of Springfield (CH 9 Up!)

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:15 pm

Chapter 5:

Very nice start.

You need a full stop before "in the first page", since it starts a new sentence.

The description of the images seems like the kind of thing Bart would like, and is quite funny. Nice reference to his inability to read cursive writing, too.

"Medusas" (plural) shouldn't have an apostrophe.

Gideon's appearance is very nice.

Needs a full stop after "grinning evilly at him".

Minor nitpick, but I don't think you should name Gideon here, since the scene is from Bart's POV.
he had appeared in his fog of black smoke with one hand resting in his pocket he leaned his weight on the long handled scythe
Needs a comma after "smoke".

Minor technical thing: if you have a character quoting something within their dialogue, you use different quote marks (single if you used double ones in the dialogue, and vice versa). An example:

"Someone else sent me, someone far more powerful than this 'Sideshow Bob' you mention", Gideon said.
the dust from the landing on the bed sheets blew up into the air
This seems a very convoluted way of putting it. I'd change it to simply: "When it landed on the bed sheets, the dust blew up into the air" and so on.

Typoes: "to grabs the boy"; and "a angry".

Needs a full stop after "master", and again after "limb from limb".
Gideon knew he would of gotten into trouble if he just came in took Bart,
Should be "would have got", and the second part of this sentence makes no sense. You probably need a full stop after this, too.
and using most of her arm strength pulled she towards the desk.
Should be "pulled herself", surely.
as footsteps were being heard inside the lobby,
"were being heard" is a bit cumbersome. How about "echoed"?
Three men: One fat, while the other two being as thin as poles
I would probably remove the colon, and change the last bit to just "the other two thin as poles".

Needs a full stop after "pizza".

You use "shock" twice in a sentence. Might want to change one of them to something else.
flipping through the pages like a bat out of hell,
Great line! Needs a full stop after "hell", though.

Homer's line right at the end of this scene is great. I think it would be funnier without the bit after his line, though.

To be continued...
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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Re: OPINIONS-The Dark Matriarch of Springfield (CH 9 Up!)

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Aug 02, 2008 9:25 pm

Continuing on Chapter 5:
The candle light's flickered
You shouldn't have that apostrophe there, and in fact, "light" should just be singular. Good start of the scene, though.
the sound of his body
This should start a new sentence.
and started to slowly open his eyes.
This is a new construction from the previous part of the sentence. It should be something like "made Bart let out a painful moan and start to slowly open his eyes."
and pulled Bart to his feet and slipping the spell book into his hands.
Again, the verbs should be in the same tense, so either "pulling Bart to his feet and slipping the spell book into his hands" or "pulled Bart to his feet and slipped the spell book into his hands".

It feels a bit silly for Gideon to introduce himself as Elizabeth's husband the moment after he's said that she's his wife.

I love their little fight about where to find the page. Classic Simpsons style humour.
Gideon gruffer
Must be a typo for something.

This sentence is nicely written, but feels very breathless. Needs more commas.
he placed the open book
This should start a new sentence.
how could it be that something that wasn't there before was engraved in red scriptures just now out of the blue?
Again, this needs to be a new sentence. Also, "hadn't been there" would be better, and "scriptures" isn't really correct ("script" works well).

I like Gideon's next line. Needs a comma before "child", though.

Bart's next line is also great.
Gideon stepped closer to Bart giving him a sharp yet gentle tap
Needs a comma after "Bart".

You need a comma after "handle" in the same sentence as well.

Needs a comma before "little one". As a rule, in a piece of dialogue you put a comma before someone's name or another term of address.

I quite like the bit about the dog.

Typo: "families'" should be "family's" (Bart only has one family).
but whatever motivates you by fear..."
I like the thought, but the expression feels a bit cumbersome. You might want to re-word it a bit.

I like the incantation, but there are a few mistakes here:
o' dark mistress of the Moon,
"O" doesn't have an apostrophe, though you can capitalise it if you want.
for the child this called for you
"this" seems completely the wrong word here.

"come unto thee" makes no sense (why should Elizabeth come to herself). "Me" instead? Also, you should have a comma after that word.

The next paragraph is very dramatic. Good!

"extinguishing out" doesn't need the "out".

"high pitch squealing" should be "high-pitched".
Bart quickly closed the book
You need a comma after this.
at the coffin's lid start to move
Should be "starting".
that had be written
Should be "been".

The next sentence is great, but a bit long. Splitting it into two would work.
this was someone else's mastermind
"Mastermind" is the wrong word here. "Master plan" would be better.

I love the ending to this scene.
She brushed Lenny and Carl aside, she grasped the crescent shaped amulet
Either change the second "she" to "and", or make it a new sentence.

I love the description of the light and of Catherine being healed.

"Lenny" should start a new sentence.

"to his surprise" should go. It's rather anticlimactic.

"Homer" should start a new sentence as well. (I like him dropping the phone on his foot.)
until there was no trace of there ever being an injury to the librarian at all.
Still great, but "the librarian" threw me out a bit. "until there was no sign of her ever having an injury" would sound better.
began to close, away
There shouldn't be a comma here.

Quite funny ending to the scene.

To be continued.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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Re: OPINIONS-The Dark Matriarch of Springfield (CH 9 Up!)

Post by c_nordlander » Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:00 pm

Continuing on Chapter 5:

Great description of Elizabeth.
Her eyes were closed, but when she looked over at Gideon and Bart, her eyes opened
She can’t really look with her eyes closed. Change to something like “but when she turned her face to Gideon and Bart”.

Typo: “shun” should be “shone”.

“two hot embers”: the adjective feels a bit pointless.

“never taking her eyes of them” is a little bit of a clichéd expression. Still, it’s what’s happening… maybe just write it in a more original way. Also, you should have a new sentence after this bit.

Kind of funny ending to the scene.
The children began to leave their seats and file up to the windows staring outside, Mrs. Krabappel heard the desks shifting behind her
You need a full stop instead of that comma.

I like the dogs joke.

The occurrence in the sky is very creepy and well described.
one child next to Edna described it as "the sky is bleeding"
Beautiful description, but this should be a separate sentence.

I like the Al Gore jab.

To be continued.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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Re: OPINIONS-The Dark Matriarch of Springfield (CH 9 Up!)

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Aug 30, 2008 8:05 pm

Continuing:

I like the little bit with the Pimply Teenager.

Typo: "what he had notice" should be "noticed".
his next stop was up the library
This should start a new sentence.
spotted the four of them in the middle of the room not even stopping to catch his breath.
Needs a comma after "room".

I like his line, too.
While the other three followed after her curious as to what
Needs a comma after "her".
watched the red veil cover the sky over the town reaching out further
Nice description, but needs a comma after "town".
until it came to the outskirts of the town's borderlines and then stopped.
"came to" feels a bit colourless (but it might not need changing), and I'd cut "and then stopped". We understand that's where it stops.
"I was too late to stop it...now we are all doomed."
Feels just a bit cliché.
nothing unusual happened today
Should be "had happened".
Not to her, no not at all,
This should have a full stop instead of a comma.

"The spellbook" in all caps feels a bit overdramatic.
She broke away from the closed tight group of her peers and ran for the door,
Again, this should end with a full stop.
reaching the wide main doors and onto the lawn
This is a bit ungrammatic. Change to something like "reaching the wide main doors and getting out on the lawn".
from Mrs. Krapabbel's window,
This should start a new sentence.

It's spelt "Milhouse" with one L. He's hilariously in character, though. I adore the bit about his "lady love".

Nice touch about the other children taking the opportunity to skip school.

Typo: "feels forward" should be "fell".

Nice start to the next scene, though a typo: "realized" should be "realize", and you need a full stop after "fine", and another after "resurrected".

I like the touch that Bart has heard ghost stories about Elizabeth.

"that vowed revenge" should be "that had vowed" etc.

"Dishonored" is a bit too weak a word considering that the town had executed Elizabeth.

Needs a full stop after "parties".
what he had done was not something that no one would probably forget in the morning. Nothing that could not be punished by a simple spank on the butt and being grounded for two weeks.
Great bit, but some mixed up negatives: "not something that no one would probably forget" and "nothing that could not be punished" have one too many negatives each.

You're missing a full stop at the very end of the sentence.

Well, this is shaping up. I like the sky turning red, there is a nice bit of comedy mixed in with the horror, and everyone feels very in character.
Last edited by Anonymous on Sun Sep 28, 2008 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
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