Re: OPINIONS: Wherever I Am, That's Where I'm Not (WIP)
Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 9:30 am
EDIT: Fixed now.
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I think "with satisfaction" could go. It's pretty obvious."Busted!" Lisa said with satisfaction,
*LOL*They're gonna force you to make spaghetti in a cellar!"
Yeah, I have a problem with this line too, even though it's a nice mental image. It's just the two verbs, two adverbs thing. I think "prosaically" could go.she gestured grandly as she prosaically wondered.
I think the "she drank it" etc. should be a new sentence. It's not really a dialogue tag."Thanks, mom," she drank it down with enthusiasm.
Another great line."Aww, what'd YOU do to Skinner's mother?"
I think this is too much telling instead of showing. If you could show us more of the way she acts when thinking about it, instead of just summing it up for us, that would be great.Lisa remained alone in a world where her parents were foolish and unreasonable and her brother had taken away the key to unlock the cage of her monotony.
I think "she felt" is completely unnecessary.fighting the sleepiness she felt as the previous day's events came back to her.
A bit of a cliché, really. Not much of a one, but still.her mind a million miles away from the beautiful Saturday morning
Again, I think the bit after her line should be a separate sentence."I have to go to the -," the scent of blueberries teased her nose.
I love this come-back."Why?" Lisa snapped. "I'm never going to use it!"
I think the first mention of the word "arm" could go. Just "That was when someone grabbed her from behind" works fine for that part of the sentence.That was when an arm grabbed her from behind, and then she felt the press of an arm around her wrist lifting her off the ground.
Should be something like "sturdy, but clearly having been unoccupied" etc.an unpretentious cabin, sturdy but clearly had been unoccupied for some time.
I was sort of suspecting something like that, but of course I couldn't be sure. In that case, I don't have a problem with it.Ariel Ponywether wrote:
Surely you mean "no big barrier".its padlock no small barrier between him and his goal.
I think the bit after the dialogue should be a separate sentence, since it's not really a "say" action.“Yes, yes, continue to spout your politically correct twaddle,” he began to pick at the lock with a hairpin.
Awesome line.“Cecil Terwilliger isn’t the sort of tread over ground already so clearly trod upon by his brother,”
Brilliant, but "do" should be capitalised since it's the start of a new line.Then, more hopefully, he asked, “do you…know someone?”
It feels like a word has dropped out here.“I do so hate to be soft as Robert,