A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Get help, post works in progress for feedback and see articles and tutorials written by other writers.
Sine Wave
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 9:22 pm

A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Sine Wave » Tue Nov 06, 2007 6:47 am

Well hey everybody. I'm new here, but I've been working on this story for a while, and I don't believe in having enough constructive criticism so I thought I'd show what I've got written so far to you guys.
Attachments
A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future.doc
(95.5 KiB) Downloaded 623 times
archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7540
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by archonix » Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:25 am

Hi ho. Not had much time to read it yet but I've had a quick skim through and I have a couple of tips. Wellm, one. Language is fun, but I think it's probably best if, rather than typing everything out in Norwegian and then repeating it in english, you introduce the language:

--

“Velkommen! Hvad kunne jeg blive jer?” The woman asked them.

“Wha-huh?” Fry said, bewildered.

“Fry, not everyone speaks English everywhere. I think she wants to know what we want to eat.” Leela said.

Fry looked at the selection of foods. Seeing something he thought looked pretty good, he tapped on the glass over it.

“” The woman asked. Fry nodded affirmatively.

“Also, we need something to drink.” Fry cupped his hand around his mouth, motioning as if he were drinking. “Drink, you know, drink?”

“” The younger man asked in shock.

--

This way we get to be in on the joke without breaking the flow with lots of brackets and asides, but at the same time we know that they haven't a clue what's being said.

Funny joke by the way. ;)

Oh yes, and Schrödinger's Cat FTW!
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 12824
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: We have space marines at home
Location: not a place of honour

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Nov 16, 2007 9:58 pm

My comments, for what they're worth. I also agree with Graham's suggestion re translations.

Nice choice to start right where the final episode left off.

I like the writing style, though it feels a little bit bare at times, at least at the start. It gets better further on in the story. It could do with a bit more description of new places, as of the city on Copenhagos.
“Well, here we are.” Fry said when they got to apartment 1I. Leela opened the door and walked inside.

“Are you coming in?” She asked, turning around after a few steps to see Fry still standing outside the doorway.
OK, a technical problem: dialogue before "he/she said" tags should end with a comma instead of a full stop, and the first word shouldn't be capitalised. (You've got it right in some places in this story.)

Their dialogue is good. It sorts out some important issues of the episode.
“Leela, I’m sorry all this had to happen to you,” was all he could think to say. He felt guilty for getting involved with the Robot Devil, and he blamed himself for not keeping her safe.
The last sentence is basically telling instead of showing, and could easily go. We can understand how Fry feels from what he says.

I really don't see why they almost kiss at this point. If you want to write a Fry/Leela romance, that's well and good, but I really don't think either the episode or the fic so far has led up to Leela wanting to kiss Fry (what Fry wants, we all know).
“Fine. Any more good news you want to give us?” Leela replied sarcastically.
I think "sarcastically" could go. We understand she's being sarcastic.
“Fry, it’s already past midnight,” Leela said, “as much as I’d like to stay with you, I need to get to bed, and you need to get home.” Fry lowered his head in dejection, and slowly stood up.
Probably needs a line break before Fry's action.

Typo: "barley" should be "barely".
He ground the ball of his foot into her carpet,
I like it!
“Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” Fry ran down the stairs from apartment 1I, screaming at the top off his lungs. All the emotions inside him that he had contained were being released.
I think the last sentence there could go. The rest of the paragraph is great, though I think you need a line break after "lungs." Very in character for Fry.

The paragraph from Leela's POV is also good.
The Professor beamed to the Planet Express crew, who were begrudgingly gathered around the conference table the next morning.
I don't think "begrudgingly" can be used like that, unless you intend it to be humorous. I also think "the next morning" could go: it feels tacked on, and it can be understood from the context. (Again, if you're intending for it to be a bit unusual and funny, keep it.)
“No, it will make it explode!” The Professor said with the appropriate accompanying hand gestures.
I love it.

The story about the ice-ten delivery is hilarious. It could easily be on the show.
The woman said back exasperatedly.
I don't really like "said back".

On a related note, you use a lot of colourful verbs where mostly "said" would do. People have different taste when it comes to these. Just be aware that "said" (or more specific ones, such as "asked", when necessary) *can* be repeated without annoying the reader, because it's such a common word.
and the boy set to fixing their drinks. From a drawer, he pulled out a sandslug in a pan. Thinking how lucky they were that they got a new shipment of ice-ten that day, he pulled out a small chunk of it and grated it over the slug.
OK, switching POV in the middle of a scene doesn't really work. It makes it read more like an episode than a prose story.
“Bon Appetite.” He said, setting them down in front of Fry and Leela.

“I’ll never understand what these guys are saying.” Fry said as Leela picked up her glass and took a sip.
Another brilliant line.

In fact, there are many funny jokes here. I can't point them all out, just rest assured that this story made me chuckle a lot.

Bender is in character too. In fact, all the mains seem to be.
Disappointedly, he walked over to them.
I don't think "disappointedly" is necessary.
Bender puffed away on a recently acquired fine cigar, and lead Leela down the street, who was carrying a case of whiskey under one arm and dragging Fry through the gutter with the other.
OK, the wording here definitely needs changing. "and lead Leela, who was carrying a case of whiskey under one arm and dragging Fry through the gutter with the other, down the street." perhaps.
The Planet Express Ship lowered into the hangar, touching softly to the ground.
Nice and economical description.
“There’s a cat in there?” Leela said, shocked. “But it’s completely sealed! How do you know if it’s even alive?”
This made me laugh out loud. I think the scene could end after this line, though, since the Professor's one seems to deflate the joke a bit, but that's up to you.

I don't have any time to read more right now, though I like what I've seen. Look forward to more comments as soon as I can manage.
Last edited by Anonymous on Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 12824
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: We have space marines at home
Location: not a place of honour

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Nov 17, 2007 11:10 pm

Continuing my comments:

The start of the scene where the Professor examines Fry is very funny.

poodle.com feels a bit too silly, but works nevertheless.

The device for Fry to become psychic feels a bit too contrived, even for Futurama, but there is some good technobabble. I really like Fry showing off with the demolished building, and his "Besides, if anything was going to go wrong, I’d already know about it" line.
Everyone else broke into emphatic laughter, except for Fry.
"emphatic" feels a bit pointless here.

The next line is hilarious, though.

Zapp is very in character. Repulsive, but that's the point.
“Hmm, must not want to lose the mood.” Zapp figured, and ran daintily after them.
I think "figured" is a bit odd as a "say"-verb. Also, "daintily" isn't really an adverb I associate with Zapp, but it could work as a bit of OOC-ness (a very mincing run, when you expect him to just stomp along).

"Oval Office" should really be capitalised.

Part 2:

I like the bit about Fry not wanting to use his powers to foresee the date.
Crossing the threshold, one of her robotic ears caught on the doorjamb, knocking it out of place.
Hmm. I like the continuity with Leela still having the robot ears, but I think they could have been pointed out earlier in a bit of description or action (Leela turning one of them to the side to hear better, for example). As it is, I didn't know she had them until this bit.

The dinner dialogue is quite sweet.
“Hey, I’m a really good excuse for a mate!” Fry retorted.
Another good line. I think "retorted" feels like a bit of an odd verb, though. I'd have just "said".

I like the running joke about the underpants.
The DOOP Captain looked around, finding that the now-fugitive man and his buxom accomplice had disappeared.
I don't really like this much in fiction. There's no real reason not to use their names.

OK, "troop" means a body of soldiers, so "the troops had begun using a battering ram" means several units are doing it. "The soldiers" would be better. (I love how the doors are unlocked.)

Very nice twist about Leela's robot ears.

Well, looking very good so far, and I hope to see more. I have no idea where the plot is going, but it's got a lot of interesting possibilities. I can't really judge it before I've read the whole thing.

You know what I think. Characterisation of all the main characters is good, there are many show-quality jokes, and the writing is good, if a bit thin and colourless in places. One problem with it is that it sometimes doesn't feel clear who is the viewpoint character, so it reads more like a prose transcript of an episode than a third person story. I'd like a bit more descriptiveness in future instalments. It flows well, though, and is certainly not a painful read.

The only real problem I have, like I said, is Fry and Leela almost kissing in her apartment. It just seems too early, particularly since Leela doesn't act too romantic towards Fry later on, such as before their dinner (which is good, by the way).

Also, this may be important for the plot later on, but I think the "if Fry uses his foresight power too often, he will lose his mind" plot device doesn't really fit together (though I liked the Professor's "jelly" simile). If you want a dire consequence of him using his power, how about having his observation of future events causing irreparable damage to the temporal continuum or something along those lines? (Probably better phrased.) That would fit better with the quantum mechanic gags earlier, and feel like more of a direct consequence.

Apart from that, no complaints. Very enjoyable and funny story with good performances of all the leads.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Kim
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:07 pm

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Kim » Fri Dec 14, 2007 3:43 am

I just wanted to counter some of the points made above, and agree with others.
Regarding A Spy in Mancunia's remarks - I concur with many of them, but I have a couple of problems with some of her criticisms. First, I already pointed out on PEEL the greatness of that description of the ice-ten delivery and the hilarity of the "Bon Appetit" bit. I also basically agree with everything else good she says about the characterization, the line "He ground the ball of his foot into her carpet", and the early part where Leela is watching Fry leave her apartment. All class. And she's right about the minor technical problems.
However, my disagreements -
- There's nothing wrong with either "retorted" or "sarcastically", where she tells you they're unnecessary. Of course descriptive terms like that aren't really 'necessary' but they can add something. It didn't strike me as redundant or too wordy the way you used them.
- I personally like how you have Zapp running "daintily". Thought that was very good; it gave an amusing mental image.
- Also like your use of the word "begrudgingly" in that context; as she says, I think it was meant to be a slightly unorthodox usage.
- Where she states that people have different tastes when it comes to the use of colorful verbs, well, I suppose that's true; but it's mainly a problem if they're overused, which I didn't feel you did.
- Finally, about Fry and Leela almost kissing at the beginning--I didn't have a problem with it, but anyway it sets up Hermes interrupting them to inform them about the delivery. If you do decide to not have them almost kiss, then I guess you'd have to come up with a whole other scenario there. I liked it though; I thought it was well-described.
(Also, it contributes towards why Fry is so happy later).

Now I would also like to elaborate on some other great bits that I never got to mention on PEEL: your outstanding use of phrases like "apprehensive expectation", "dull crunch" and "residual frustration"; the line "made his way into the apartment the way an adventurer-archaeologist would enter a forbidden temple"; "the local ABC store, endorsed by The Jackson Five, Andrew Jackson, and the number four"; and so on. Not to mention that you have more groovy science references than about 13 given episodes. So, yeah. I hope you continue to post this on PEEL and eventually get to Fry doing some stuff with his psychicness, although I know you must be busy with physics and philosophy stuff at school. And making up jokes.

Sorry if this was a bit random, I just got the urge to come here and add some things I didn't have an opportunity to on PEEL.

Oh, and did I mention I love your style?
User avatar
aoifestorm
Sub-sector Control Officer
Sub-sector Control Officer
Posts: 1676
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2002 11:05 pm
Location: NYC
Contact:

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by aoifestorm » Mon Dec 17, 2007 4:33 pm

Sine is a good writer, but I wouldn't necessarily say that phrases like, "dull crunch", and "residual frustration" make him Nabakov.  It's alright though, writers keep playing with language, description, etc.

Kim, you are a good reviewer.  Do you think you'll take a look at any of the other works here?  :leela
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
Kim
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:07 pm

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Kim » Tue Dec 18, 2007 7:59 am

Well, I didn't say he was Nabokov! (Which is how it's spelled  :) ). (Incidentally, thank you for causing me to look up Nabokov on wiki to confirm that, only to learn that according to the "old style" Russian dating system, he apparently shared my birthday, April 10. Neat). Now, Conrad, Fitzgerald, T. S. Eliot, Shelley, maybe....Seriously, though, he writes the, I don't know what to call it, the almost-like-actual-episodes genre of Futurama fanfic the way in my opinion it ought to be written: Funny, in-character, sciencey, and more or less canonical. His style is reminiscent of JBERGES, if you know who that is, while still retaining its own individuality.

I don't know about being a good reviewer, but thanks anyway; I just honestly try to say what I think, that's all. And I never write anything I don't mean. As for looking at other stuff on here, I don't read a ton of fanfics, but maybe. But I'm sure there are already plenty of good reviewers, on this site.
Sine Wave
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 9:22 pm

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Sine Wave » Tue Dec 18, 2007 6:28 pm

You know, some days it feels really good to have my own groupie.

Also, I hate Conrad. Not saying I'm a better writer than him, but he just couldn't be subtle for the sake of his life.

Finally, now that exams are over (whoopee!), writing new stuff and rewriting old stuff will hopefully be happening somewhat efficiently. Those who know me know this is most likely a lie, but I'm going to make the effort nonetheless.
Kim
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:07 pm

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Kim » Wed Dec 19, 2007 7:54 am

You hate Conrad?! :o Oh well. Not the most straightforward of writers, to be sure, but he was a master stylist.
Especially considering that he didn't learn English till he was about 21.
You know, some days it feels really good to have my own groupie.
Hmm, I've never been called a groupie before...And to think I was just going to say that I don't want you to get too big of an ego.  ;D

Hope you did exorbitantly well on your exams.
Sine Wave
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 9:22 pm

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Sine Wave » Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:09 pm

Eh, I had to read Heart of Darkness for a literature class, maybe having to analyze it is what made it so hard to read. In fact, I think I might try reading it again with a new perspective when I get home. I'll try to focus more on his style and the psychological commentary and less on "I saw a black man with a piece of white cloth tied around his neck" or "the white man was carrying a bucket of water with a hole in it up a hill" or "Marlow sat like a statue of the Buddha." Subtlety. But enough about that, I don't consider myself a writer and I feel bad critiquing people who do. I'll reserve judgment until I've read it again.

And as for on-topicness... I've got nothing.
Kim
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:07 pm

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Kim » Thu Dec 20, 2007 3:37 am

Well, I guess you don't have to be on-topic in your own thread...you can turn it into a literature discussion if you want...(in fact, you could do that on PEEL, too). Hell, I could talk about Heart of Darkness all day, if I get started. Suffice to say it's a work which has a lot of meaning packed into almost every line. By all means read it again, if you wish--it's endlessly interpretable, with myriad different layers of meanings. Maybe you just didn't have a very good teacher? Although I bet that at whatever school you went to, you probably had good teachers. Anyway, I just listed a few authors whose overall style I admire, I certainly didn't mean to impose any opinions! To me writing style is generally more important than plot or anything else because any plot can be made to seem interesting if the writer has an engaging style, and the style is what sucks you in in the first place.
But anyhow I wasn't a lit major, just history, as I think I mentioned...Took almost as many philosophy classes as history, but since UW-Madison doesn't have minors it wasn't considered as such.

You should post more on PEEL; for instance I would have loved to hear your thoughts on the new movie...I don't think you said anything about your opinion of it...

You know, it would serve you so right if I used that as my sig on PEEL a few times: "Official Sine Wave Groupie". Don't worry though, I won't.  ;D

Speaking of writers, I wish JN would show up - he seems to have disappeared again...
User avatar
Meteorite
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 2773
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2002 12:22 am
Custom Title: spacehorse
Location: Oatstralia
Contact:

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Meteorite » Thu Dec 20, 2007 9:52 am

Well, I guess you don't have to be on-topic in your own thread...you can turn it into a literature discussion if you want...
While that is normally fine, we'd appreciate it if review threads were strictly about the fic in question.  A little off-topicness is acceptable (and quite hard to avoid), but don't go about aiming to go off-topic.
Image

<gkscotty|drawing> most people play Pokemon games with GameFAQs or a Pokéwiki open
<gkscotty|drawing> you seem to have TVTRopes :P


Image
Sometimes I feel like dressing up my Gaia avatar.
Feels kinda pointless since I don't actually do stuff at Gaia, so I'm putting it here.
Sine Wave
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 9:22 pm

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Sine Wave » Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:50 pm

Woah. So, I guess I sort of forgot to keep putting new things on here. Anywho, here is some new stuff (a bunch of it).
Attachments
A Soon to be contradicted View of the Future.doc
(75.77 KiB) Downloaded 608 times
Kim
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:07 pm

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by Kim » Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:48 am

Squee, oh, so you did decide to finally update it here!
Thus giving me an excuse to actually post here again also...  Sweet. See, and I saw it before you even had to tell me about it.  Surprise!  ;D

Love it to pieces, as ever.  :-*

Ah, though, what a frosty-December conversation we were having in this thread.. good lord.. and the origin of the sig n' everything.  I told you I could go on about H of D a while!  ;)    Well, you very much know I can't really say anything more about this story.  Glad to see it here nevertheless.
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 12824
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: We have space marines at home
Location: not a place of honour

Re: A Soon to be Contradicted View of the Future - Work in Progress

Post by c_nordlander » Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:48 am

According to my computer, the document is corrupt and cannot be opened. It might just be a problem with my computer, but you might want to try re-uploading it.
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


-- Mother Mother, "Business Man"

Now offering writing commissions! Fanfiction or original, PM me for more information.
Locked