[work in progress] Parallel Lives

Get help, post works in progress for feedback and see articles and tutorials written by other writers.
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7415
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

[work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:31 am

EDIT: First complete draft attached here.

I've blathered about this one in chat a few weeks ago. The idea I originally had was that Fry and Leela get themselves trapped in parallel universes and have to keep jumping through boxes until they find their way home again, with some bits of references to Sliders. I'm sort of stuck for a method to get them stuck and then get them leaping between universes simply because all the boxes will be next to each other in most universes. I do have one idea on how to kick things off but the problem of the boxes always being together makes it a bit hard to plot out. Anyway, the idea I have goes like this:

Spoiler


And so on. word doc and OpenDoc versions attached. Get OpenOffice cos it's free. :)
Attachments
parallel_lives.odt
(95.4 KiB) Downloaded 567 times
parallel_lives.doc
(574 KiB) Downloaded 610 times
Last edited by Archonix on Tue Feb 05, 2008 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
Sine Wave
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 9:22 pm

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Sine Wave » Wed Nov 07, 2007 4:07 am

Well, I read it, and it seems like a very promising story. Some things I would point out though are maybe some off characterization. Amy seems too serious and intense about things, I tend to think of her having a more butterfly-like attitude. Leela seems to be being harder on her as well. Fry's actions with the universe boxes also seemed to lack, I guess I'd call it sufficient motivation. It just doesn't seem like him to blatantly disregard what Leela tells him to do without Bender's influence. Maybe if Evil Leela (Evila!) tricked him into opening the box, or if the toaster just straight busted out of its box it would fit better. Another couple things that didn't seem quite right were Fry's boob jokes and the characters covering their mouths when they laughed. Just seemed out of place. Overall, though, it looks like it should be one hell of a fic. I loved TFP so a revisit to the same idea is great stuff.
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7415
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:30 am

Bender... yeah, that works. I'll try it out tonight and see how I can play it. :)
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:09 am

You already know I like this. I like the title a lot, and while the dimension-skipping plot isn't incredibly original, I'm happy seeing the boxes again. Also, Evil Leela is a very interesting addition.

Some specific points:

All of these thoughts flitted through Leela’s mind as she watched for the first arc of the sun to peek over the distant horizon.
I think you could possibly cut the first bit and just start with "Leela watched for the first arc of the sun" etc, letting the reader understand that the previous paragraphs were her musings. It should work.

The writing is up to your usual (high) standard. I like the opening scene.

Typo: "you've decided to joins us"

Some hilarious lines here. I particularly like the Asimov Code, the eleven thousand boxes, the Star Trek/Stargate ref, and the war over the name of the planet.

Cubert appearances are always good. He's funny here.

providing portals to untold dangers, not least some bizarro version of her own self with a bloodlust and a large gun. Leela shook her head; her imagination could be far too vivid at times.
Nice foreshadowing!

Yay, Flying Toaster ref!

Did I mention I like the Evil Leela?

“I wouldn’t try and escape if I were you,” she said with a menacing tone.
I think the "with a menacing tone" could go.

drawing a surprised yell from her lips.
I think just "from her." would do.

Fry closed his eyes, waiting for the shot, but it never came. Instead the door suddenly burst open.
The "but it never came" bit feels a bit clichéd. I'm sure there's a better way of writing it.

I really like Leela's appearance and the fight. The toaster flitting around is just right.

the box that the dark version of Leela had escaped in to.
Should be "into"

To be continued
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Nov 10, 2007 4:08 pm

Fry's panic after the Evil Leela is defeated is well done. Nice way of getting him into the box.

Then he suddenly realised he was leaning on more of the boxes.
I think "suddenly" can go.

I like all the different Frys asking Leela out.

and falling in to a dull metal floor.
Should be "into".

You spell it "shoo'd" here, but I've seen "shooed" earlier in the story.

I like the whole bit where they're thrown on the street by the guard and look for Leela's apartment. The new universe is nicely described, and it's all generally well written.

“I like it that way,” Leela said. And then: “That wasn’t me!”
Hee hee!

The alternative Leela's backstory is cool, very dramatic.

as she tried to workout what to do.
Should be "work out". In fact, I'm not even sure that the last bit is necessary, since the reader can figure out what she's thinking.

was trying to push it’s neck in to her mouth
Should be "its" and into".

Typo: "ark bags" should be "dark". (And "bag".  :) )

Well, I have nearly only positive things to say about this so far. Everyone seems in character (with the exceptions Sine Wave pointed out, perhaps), there are some nice bits of humour to leaven the drama/action nature of the story, and Leela meeting her messed-up double quite touched me. Evil Leela adds a nice suspense element to the rest.

The only possible downsides I've noticed (except for the more specific things pointed out) is that sometimes descriptions of events seem a little bare, closer to stage directions in a script that descriptions in a novel, and the bit with Bender being shut down seems to drag a bit. (Though I think that scene as a whole is better-paced now than in the previous draft I read, so it's good.)

Just keep going. The outline you have for the rest of the plot sounds good to me.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7415
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:17 pm

Snippet from an episode. Prologue and part of episode... four, probably. The amazon scene is, of course, largely inspired by Beb's wonderful painting, but that sketch was originally an idea for something completely different anyway. I'm using it here because it wasn't quite enough of an idea to work by itself.

The drums were beating in the distance, their call carrying far in the damp atmosphere of the jungle and, even as they ran, they knew those drums meant their doom. Nevertheless, they ran, pushing through dense foliage and rotten under-brush, ignoring creatures that rose up to attack them or run away, ignoring the constant barrage of noise from the wildlife that surrounded them in every direction.
A gigantic spear crashed through the trees and struck the ground between them, throwing up a clod of dirt. Leela leaped across its length and hit the ground rolling. She was up and running again in no time until she drew short with a shocked yell. “Fry!”
She turned. He was pinned to the floor by the fallen spear, his leg trapped in a fallen tree-branch. Without hesitation she ran back to him and heaved at the spear.
“Leela, wait...”
“Shut up, I’m not leaving you!”
“Oh I know that,” Fry said as he heaved at the spear with her. Leela blinked and stared at the man; this conversation wasn’t going how she’d expected. “I was wondering if you meant what you said back there, about, y’know, my-”
“Fry, it was either that or end up in their damned broiler, now shut up and help me get this thing off.”
Suitably chastened, Fry lowered his head and grunted in the effort of pushing the spear away from his leg, which popped free with a quiet sucking noise. “Yeuch... I hope there’s a laundromat on the next world.”
“I could use a shower too,” Leela said as she dropped the spear. She grabbed Fry’s arm and dragged him behind her again. “The clearing is this way. Don’t worry, we’ll be safe soon.”
Fry grunted, whether in acknowledgement or because he’d tripped over something, she didn’t know. Nor did she care. They were close now, too close, she could hear them tramping through the trees to either side, the drums were growing louder. And they they were in the clearing.
“Oh dear god...” Leela looked up at the horrendous figure stood in the centre of the clearing, stood guard over their boxes, silhouetted against the moonlit sky like a colossus only, Leela had to admit, a much better figure.
Fry ran up to Leela’s back a second after she stopped and sent them both crashing to the ground. The guard stiffened and turned, slowly. Leela rolled toward Fry and grabbed his arm but he was out cold. She looked up. The guard was turning this way and that, trying to make out where she’d heard the sound. Leela couldn’t make out the guard’s face but she looked familiar... Fry groaned quietly, to Leela’s horror. She looked wildly about the clearing for something, anything to use as a weapon but nothing came to hand. With a final, fearful glance back at Fry she made her decision and ripped toward the edge of the clearing, where she dove into the undergrowth and started to crawl very carefully around the perimeter.
Fry sat up and rubbed his head, then pulled off the massive centipede he found trying to burrow in to his hair and flung it to the floor in disgust. “Ech... that’s... Leela?” He stood up. “Leela!”
She was gone. He looked around and turned to run from the clearing, then halted and screamed in terror. Leela stood before him, but unlike any Leela he’d ever seen before. She had a club over her shoulder and her clothing was just a tattered remnant, but that didn’t matter compared to the fact that she was nearly fifteen feet tall.
“Oh jeeze... it’s bad enough the Professor turned everyone in to Amazonians,” he muttered as she slowly turned to look at him. Her gigantic eye widened. “Did he have to make you so damn big too?”
“Oooh... squishy studmuffin man...” the Amazon Leele reached toward Fry and then paused for a second and tilted her head to look at him. “You him. You man give Leela happy heart.”
“Uh... maybe?”
“Him gone, long time. You not him. Too small...” she turned away and sat down with a loud thump that shook the earth and almost knocked Fry from his feet. Then she turned and looked toward the stars. “Philfry come back one day. Promise him did. Left with others...” she turned and looked at him with what was probably the Amazonian equivalent of guile. “You have me also.”
“I... you...” Fry took a step back and looked around. The boxes were just by the Amazon’s feet, taunting him with their presence. And beyond them, at the far side of the clearing, Leela was- “Leela!”
Amazonian Leela looked up in surprise at Fry then, with disconcerting speed, turned to follow his gaze. She yelled out loud when she saw Leela and, with the same surprising speed, pushed herself to her feet and ran across the clearing. Leela barely had time to yell before the Amazon had grabbed her head and lifted her skyward.
“Put me down you big lug!”
“You him Leela,” the Amazon said, turning Leela this way and that. She almost sneered. “Squishy...”
“I’ll have you know I’m the state champion kiieep!” The Amazon slung Leela over her shoulder and walked back to Fry. She deposited Leela on the floor and sat down again with the same earth-shaking force.
“My people come,” she said, waving the club over their heads toward the forest. They turned to look; in the distance could be heard the pounding of dozens of Amazonian feet. When they turned back, the Amazon was staring at the ground, flicking pebbles the size of Leela’s head from between her feet. “Him come one day. Leela happy then,” she said, and then seemed to resolve herself. She picked up Leela agai,m then Fry, and shuffled over to the piled-up boxes. Here and there Fry could pick out traces of the old buildings that had once rested on the site, mementos of a world that no longer existed in this universe. He glanced up at the sky, then at Leela, and then at the Amazon.
“I’m sorry,” he said. Amazon Leela smiled at him and then put them both down very gently, before holding up one of the boxes.
“You come from box. You go to box. I say you never here.”
“Thank you,” Leela said. She touched the Amazon’s finger and then took a running jump in to the box. Fry looked up at the Amazon again. She was smiling, but there were tears forming around her eye.
“Go,” she said, then looked away. Fry nodded to himself and leaped after Leela in to the box. He felt the cold shiver of the passage between universes tingle up his spine and... then... things felt wrong. Up ahead the light was blue, as if in night-time again, but it was colder, darker. Out of instinct Fry hurled his arms up in front of his face moments before he plunged out of the box in to a new world.
Under water.
A long, long way under water.
Fry spun around and frantically tried to swim toward the surface he couldn’t even see. Then something made him pause and he looked about just as frantically for Leela, even though his lungs were starting to burn and his throat starting to convulse from the need to breath. He saw her then, drifting slowly up, arms spread, and her hair twisting in a long, slender ribbon as she slowly floated upward.
Fry kicked toward her and grabbed at the ribbon. He thrashed about, searching for another box to escape to, a world to breath again, but they were all lost in the darkness. Leela’s arms were twitching slightly as he pulled her close, and for a brief second she seemed to regain consciousness, her eye darting from side to side in panic. Leela grabbed hold of Fry, wrapped her arms around his chest, pinning him, pushing the last of the air from his tortured lungs.
And then darkness.


Less than a Pearl

The beach was new. Well the beach was always new, in a way, and that’s how he saw it, like every day he saw it he did. New. Always something new had come up on it. Treats and trinkets from the World Before, shiny baubels that reminded him life really wasn’t so bad, because now at least he was useful. Or that’s what he told himself.
Sometimes a fish, or a shelled creature, a tasty snack of a sea-turtle if he could ever bring himself to prize the lid open, though there was never any cheese inside. He missed cheese. He had never been particularly sure where it came from, except that it was usually found stuck to the inside of things. But not any more.
John Zoidberg, Doctor on this Island of the Remaining, wobbled his way along the beach looking for his mid-morning meal. In the middle-distance, out in the bay, he could see the crumbling towers of the World Before, the home of dumpsters and the Others. He didn’t go there anymore, not since they’d tried to eat him for the third or fourth time, and all he had been trying to do was find a nice shelter or home. Well they can keep their towers and dumpsters and things, he thought. I have the beach! And a beautiful beach it was. Always new. And... what was this?
He made his way toward the pile of rags he’d spotted, only now it didn’t seem so rag-like, and even had squishy fleshy bits in it. Perhaps it was some sort of super-snack maybe, or a new coat he could wear. They’d be impressed in the village then, they would. Happily clicking his claws, Zoidberg shimmied over to the mounds. Turned out they were people.
“Hello!” Zoidberg knelt over the nearest pile, the oddly familiar purple and pink one. He prodded it with his claw and then jumped back with a quick whup in case it attacked him. Nothing happened. Zoidberg leaned over the prone figure. It seemed to be dead, but it was still slightly warm. The village would probably want to know about it, so he turned around to look for the way back. Itw as up the beach, as it always was.
Something coughed behind him. Zoidberg jumped and spun around, claws ready to defend against small creatures, feet ready to run away from anything bigger. The purplypink thing was moving and moaning, like a beached slugling it was. He lowered his claws and burbled quietly as he tried to remember why the thing looked so familiar. Then it hit him.
Hard.
Zoidberg didn’t realise he’d walked back over to the creature until it kicked him in the face, but once he sat up again it seemed obvious that the reaction had been automatic, because now the pink thing was looking at him. Her... yes, her face was covered in sand, and her hair was matted and filled with tasty looking slime and scrud. She had one eye, which was also familiar.
It was making noises again. Oh yes, that human speaking, he spent so little time with them these days that he often forgot how it worked. He nodded at the incomprehensible screeching until the memory came back with a jolt. She’d said his name.
“That’s who I am, Zoidberg. Yes. Famous doctor you know.”
“What? Zoidberg... where are we?” The creature looked out to sea, her gaze resting on the submerged towers of the World Before. “Oh. That ain’t good...”
“What ain’t good,” the other pile of rags said. And then Zoidberg’s friend Phillip sat up and looked around. Only now he had lighter hair, and wasn’t scarred and sad and drinking. He looked up at Zoidberg. “Oh hi, doc. How’s things?”
“I don’t think he knows us,” the first human creature said from beneath her huge eye. Such an eye. If it were a fish eye he would feast for a week on it. Wait... he had seen that eye before, in the World Before. It had tried to eat him too at least once, after the- Leela! That’s right, she was Leela! She’d even been nice to him a few times. Or at least not hit him very often.
“I know you,” Zoidberg said, pointing a claw at the Phillip friend. The young man smiled. “And I know you too. You tried to eat me out there.”
“I did?” Leela looked out over the ocean again, and seemed confused. Or hungry. Zoidberg had trouble telling the difference on their fleshy faces. “What was I doing out there? Never mind... Dr Zoidberg, this might seem confusing to you, but we’re not from this universe.”
“Oh. Does this mean you’re not my friends?”
“Oh we’re your friends if it’ll get us something to eat,” the Phillipfriend said. He stood up and bushed himself off, then leaned down to help Leela to her feet. “And maybe something to drink.”
“Zopidberg can find these things for you! Follow your friend Zoidberg, he’ll show you where all his other friends engage in human socialising rituals and mating-”
“Just the drinks,” Leela said sharply. Zoidberg flinched, remembering the tone of voice that came just before unspecified punishments. Some memories cut deep. He nodded and ran off up the beach, whooping and bubbling. At the crest of the dunes he stopped to look at his new friends and smiled, happily, knowing that the humans that Remained would be happy to welcome newcomers into their midst.

Fry turned to Leela just after Zoidberg disappeared over the crest of the dunes and frowned. “He knew me, but he barely remembered you.”
“Yes... that’s a little odd,” Leela said. She was still looking out at the submerged towers of New New York, still shining bright despite the deluge that had apparently submerged them. The air was warmer and more humid here and she was already starting to perspire. Leela narrowed her eye and peered at the surfe. “Last thing I remember was drowning.”
She turned to look at Fry. He seemed to be contemplating something. He nodded after a moment and looked into her eye, but didn’t say anything else.
“And now we’re here,” Leela continued. She looked up and down the beach which, judging from their position relative to the city, was probably somewhere out in the burbs... and, yes, she could see the low and crumbling walls of an old stone house further up the beach, lapped by the gentle waves of this new and apparently much cleaner ocean. “How did we get here?”
“Maybe Zoidberg rescued us?”
“Maybe. No,” Leela added after a moment’s thought. “He seemed quite surprised to even see us. Something else is going on here.”
Fry glanced up toward the dunes again. Zoidberg was nowhere to be seen now. “We should follow him. There are other people around here, they’ll be able to tell us all that stuff, and I'm thirsty, and he said they have drinks.”
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2238
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby missy_misery » Wed Nov 28, 2007 6:12 pm

Once again, Chris snagged all of the flaws I caught in this one.  Really fun stuff, Graham - you've packed action and emotion into the same combustable package and created a great winner.  AGAIN!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
Stretch_Dude
Senior Control Officer
Senior Control Officer
Posts: 3634
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2001 10:40 am
Location: New Jersey
Contact:

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Stretch_Dude » Wed Nov 28, 2007 7:53 pm

I am liking this. I am. I love alternate universes. The first chapter is wonderful, and I'm looking forward to more of that great Zoidberg-based narration.
I memorized "Holy Grail" really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
- "Weird Al" Yankovic, "White and Nerdy"

"Any pile of stunted growth unaware that entertainment is just that and nothing more, deserves to doom themselves to some dank cell, somewhere, for having been so stupid!! Movies, books, T.V., music - they're all just entertainment, not guidebooks for damning yourself!" - Nny

I draw too, dammit!
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7415
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:55 pm

[edit]Actually I'm fine, now... :)[/edit]

I'm stuck! I've been re-writing this scene for an age and it's starting to bug me. The last couple of paragraphs are where the problem is even though I've included a few pages beforehand.

Okay, the setup is this:

Spoiler


And now the scenes. Remember this is a massive spoiler of the first episode since it comes quite near to the end.


Spoiler
Last edited by Archonix on Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
JustNibblin
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2007 1:50 am

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby JustNibblin » Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:07 pm

Hi Graham, I can't believe it took me so long to find this.  Reading what I assume is the first draft (attachment in your first post), I agree with most of SW's comments on Amy's behavior, Fry's motivation for opening the boxes, etc.

I also agree the word "menacing" was distracting.

I don't know at what level you want comments, but I've "track changed" some of my thoughts on the manuscript that I could send you.
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7415
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:44 pm

Hmm, that might be handy. I have made a few alterations to those early parts now but any suggestions are always helpful. :) You can e-mail it or just attach it here if you prefer. :)
Last edited by Archonix on Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
JustNibblin
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2007 1:50 am

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby JustNibblin » Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:34 pm

OK, here's my reactions.  Probably way too detailed at this point in terms of proofreading, but look for 'comments' on overarching themes.

Overall, me like.  More please.

JN
Attachments
parallel_lives.doc
(111.5 KiB) Downloaded 611 times
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7415
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:12 am

Welp, just had a skim through. One area you've highlighted, sentence structure, made me look back over what I'd written again and it looks like I've got myself into a trap of trying to maintain a single tense in each sentence no matter how convoluted it ends up. How silly of me. :)

I think I'll cut the first scene with Amy and edit out Leela's behaviour toward her too, just have Fry relay the Professor's rage instead.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7415
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:06 pm

El-skiddly-bump, just attached the first completed draft to the first post there. Re-worked the opening, completed the ending and all that stuff in between too. I'm going through to look for spelling mistakes but I'll definitely miss loads.

Suggestions always appreciated. Remember, this is just the first episode so it'll end on a bit of a cliffhanger. :)
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
JustNibblin
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2007 1:50 am

Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby JustNibblin » Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:50 pm

Well I read through and enjoyed it quite a bit.  I like the fairly subtle characterization of "Phil" in particular.  I like how you reworked the beginning--it seems more unified now.  Some very good scenes in here--Fry searching for the bullet, his attempts to tell "Blue" that she is beautifal, and Phil and Blue's test ride in space, and their discussion about the moon...

Reads smoothly, but some plot points confuse me a little.  I apologize that this is visible text--I can't find a "spoiler" button I'm familiar with.  Feel free to add spoiler tags if you like...

(1) Why does Morgan make a deal with Blackie?  To try and show Phil that Leela is capable of insanity?  Why would she have any reason to be jealous/nervous about Leela, since she and Phil had never met? :leela
(2) Blackie's motivation for killing Morgan is not clear.  She gives a reason a few minutes afterward (that it hurts worse than death for Fry), but at the time, is it just an insane impulse?  Also, why doesn't she shoot Phil after she "draws a bead" on him?
(3) I'm also not sure how exactly Fry met Morgan, and how Leela ended up working for PE in this alternate universe.  If Fry escaped her in the tunnels, did she quit her job anyway, then happen to apply to PE (but never met Fry because he was working for Morgan in a different building)?

I admit I read this fairly quickly so may have missed some explanations.  Future readers will no doubt point that out. 

I can see this will have many variations, and look forward to all the twists.  It may help to consistently describe the altLeelas as "Blue," "Evila" or "Blackie," etc.

Return to “Writing Help”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests