[work in progress] Parallel Lives

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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sun Apr 13, 2008 9:00 pm

@Officer 1BDI:

I'm rather disappointed at myself for not remembering that it was "Seymour Asses". I guess it's because I was a Simpsons fan from the start.

An animal with a crown around its neck is quite common in heraldry. See the unicorn for an example.

I'll review the updated version when less tired.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:20 am

All righty, another update. Go me.

I have to admit, I've been floundering just a little here. There might be a few scenes that I cut out from this latest update before I go to the final draft, or at least trim down a little. It's also getting very dialogue-heavy. I'm not going with the spoilered idea I mentioned in the last post, though I might save that for another fic some time... At least I'm not stuck in the squishy middle trap any more.

Which reminds me, I should write up a column about that. :)

Specifically what I want to know is, the Leela internal monologue around where it cut off last time; is it too wordy?

Also I'm fairly certain that, again, I haven't caught all the corrections that were mentioned in previous posts. I'll go through it more thoroughly once I've got a good idea of where the rest of the major scenes are going. I don't want to risk my writing energy on editing just yet. ;)
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Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Apr 18, 2008 11:41 pm

Continuing from where I left off in the old document:

I like the Neptunian secretary's multitasking.

I also like "herselves".

Leela's reaction when her double is tranked is a nice touch. I also really like Leela's passing out sensations.

I think "descended towards the ground" is a tautology. Not much of a one, though.

"Slurm" needs to be capitalised.

He felt an odd temptation to pick up one of the rods and play with it. They looked like they’d make good swords but, perhaps fortunately, Fry’s experience of the lab stayed his hand.
I love this line. I always find it hard to write the more childlike and cute side to Fry's stupidity, but you do it well.

when the floor sudden seemed to drop away from under their feet.
"Sudden" should be "suddenly", and in fact it could probably go altogether. It's a bit clichéd.

"it's descent" should be "its".

The interplay between Fry and Amy continues nice and subtle.

The description of the underground lab is good. I like how the crest is a mural on the wall. Still, I think "revealing a massive underground space carved out of the living rock, filled with complicated machinery" is a bit anticlimactic, particularly when you later describe it in more detail, showing just how awesome it is. It's kind of like showing instead of telling. I'd just first have:

1. "Fry's voice trailed off as the door passed before him. 'Wow...'"
2. The dialogue
3. The description of the giant room as they walk out of the confines of the door

Out of the confines of the door the lab revealed its full magnitude.
I'd rephrase it to something like "Once they were out of the confines of the door, the lab" etc.

He sat down in front of a binocular scope to adjust the scanners then slipped behind the curtained area
Needs a comma after "scanners".

Typo: "asian" should be capitalised.

Think I'll leave it there for now. You'll get the rest of the review soon.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Apr 19, 2008 9:01 pm

Continuing:

Typo: "peripheral an night vision".

I do like the bit about the advantages of Leela's eye. The bit about her increased vision of red is brilliant. Lots of great things in the Evila scene, actually. I can't point out all the great lines and descriptions, but they're great.

The scene with Fry, Amy and Yancy is great, too. Particularly the end of it.

Spoiler


I've pretty much told you everything about Leela's dream and her waking up. Suffice it to say, those are very well-written scenes.

*LOL* @ Gundark joke

Typo: "Veklerovwas" should be two words

I like the alternate Leela's name.  :)

The "City on the Edge of Forever" reference is funny. Leela's sexist ponderings feel in character, too. (Other people might disagree.) She *has* had a lot of bad experiences with guys, even if it's been her own fault a lot of the time.

and he’d pleaded, not for his own life, but for the lives of her parents, all the while pitying her for what she’d become. And she’d hated him for it.
I love it.

Yay, Bender! You write him well.

“I never really understood the way you walking organ banks related to each other.
I think you could leave this out if you wanted. The "uncle" line seems funnier without it, and we understand that it's because Bender's a robot.

I really like Fry looking through Yancy's belongings. Nice way of providing character background. Heh heh, deathball. And Fry finding the engagement ring is nicely dramatic.

An expensive looking diamond glittered atop a narrow, unadorned bold band
I think "unadorned" should go. If the ring has a diamond, it isn't unadorned.

The bit about Bender stealing the ring is a nice bit of comic relief. In fact, it made me laugh.

The bit about the intervention is very interesting. I expect they would need to have something like that.

Typo: "you're career" should be "your".

Typo: "feels worth" should be "worse".

Well, all I can say is that it's looking great so far. The pace seems to slack a little bit when the local Leela (Neena!) shows up, but it's not for long, and I'm just very happy about the plot and various details. More in-depth comments will have to wait until I've seen more, of course. But it's going in the right direction for sure.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Officer 1BDI » Mon Apr 21, 2008 5:52 am

(Still working on that picture....)

A Spy in Mancunia wrote:@Officer 1BDI:
[...]
An animal with a crown around its neck is quite common in heraldry. See the unicorn for an example.


Ohhh.  That's not at all what I was imagining before, but now the interchanging of "collar" and "crown" makes a lot more sense in my head.  Thanks, Chris. :)

Specifically what I want to know is, the Leela internal monologue around where it cut off last time; is it too wordy?


I don't think it's wordy, per se; almost everything mentioned while both Leelas are in the apartment is important to the story (establishing ParaLeela's name, Leela's realization that Neena doesn't know about her parents, the mention of the dream, etc.).  Leela's inner monologue does seem more verbose than other parts of the story, but I'm not sure what you could remove from it: even the bits insignificant to the plot, like the mini rant about Shatner, are entertaining enough that I didn't feel bored reading them.  And given that we're in Leela's head, I'd expect her to be a little wordy with her logic.

I did find this bit confusing, though:

Leela nodded. Talking to herself never seemed so strange. No wait, normal. Or... she stopped the thought before it started another headache. “I don’t particularly want to be Purple either.”
“That pilot, Veklerovwas it? he keeps calling you-”


I assume that both lines are Leela's (based on how the dialogue below that quote is arranged), but the paragraph break initially made me think Neena was speaking, which threw me off for the rest of that chunk of dialogue.

She blinked at Leela a few times and then slipped out. A moment later she returned to switch the light back on and apologise.

Hehe, cute.

I'll second that cheer for the return of Bender.  I love that his favorite color is money.

Oh gawd, deathball:P  Nice TBWaBB reference.

“He did, twice. First time I bought it back from the pawn shop. Second time I took a blowtorch to his head.”


...I can actually see him doing that.  It makes sense that he'd be a lot less susceptible to Bender's crap than his brother.

He decided it might be better to stay quiet for a little while, and not mention that his own hanger was virtually gone already.


This is perhaps my own ignorance shining through, but is "hanger" short for "hangover"?

“For all I know she might have an ovipostor and- wait...”


I think you mean "ovipositor".

He could see Yancy frowning at him again, obviously trying to work out something. Fry couldn’t help but think that Yancy was trying to work out how he’d survived....

It seems redundant to have "work out" in two sentences so close together.

Spoiler


Fry wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear about his brothers dates


Neither am I "Brothers" should have an apostrophe.

Spoiler
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"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Mon Apr 21, 2008 8:03 pm

Officer 1BDI wrote:(Still working on that picture....)


Woohoo!

I don't think it's wordy, per se; almost everything mentioned while both Leelas are in the apartment is important to the story (establishing ParaLeela's name, Leela's realization that Neena doesn't know about her parents, the mention of the dream, etc.).  Leela's inner monologue does seem more verbose than other parts of the story, but I'm not sure what you could remove from it: even the bits insignificant to the plot, like the mini rant about Shatner, are entertaining enough that I didn't feel bored reading them.  And given that we're in Leela's head, I'd expect her to be a little wordy with her logic.


That's good. I was worried it got a bit long. I might try and tighten it up a little anyway but at least I don't have to be nervous about it any more. :)

This is perhaps my own ignorance shining through, but is "hanger" short for "hangover"?


Typo... :)

Spoiler


Spoiler
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:36 pm

Keeps going and going...

I probably won't post another until I'm at the end, now. Certainly not until I'm past *ahem* that scene. :)
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Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sat May 03, 2008 9:12 pm

The writing continues good. Very good indeed. I like Yancy's friendship for Amy.

Heh, when Yancy talks about Fry's relationship with Amy-1, at first I read "ended up *crying* on her shoulder". Maybe that would make a funny joke. Just a thought.

I like Fry's little thought about the All My Circuits plot. Makes the story come to life.

Having Fry and Yancy going on the mission together is a great way to develop their interaction.

Typo: "thorugh"

Typo: it's spelt "Philip", not "Phillip".

I like the pop-up book.

So much here made me truly emotional... Philip Fry Jr. naming the city after his father, Yancy's realisation that he would have had a son, and the fact that he wasn't as successful as alternate Fry.

Nice Zapp reference.

I know I've already read the new bit from Evila's POV, but it's really well written.

Spoiler


Spoiler


Good ending to the scene as well.

Well, just keep writing it. The story is compelling enough, and all the characters (original and canonical) are great.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Officer 1BDI » Sun May 04, 2008 3:46 am

...Figures that 15 minutes after I PM you over at TFM this site comes back up. :P  (I'm glad you liked the picture. ^_^ )

A moment later Amy got up and followed her with a concerned expression on her face. He wondered what she would do in there. Fry didn’t particularly want to be around for that explosion.


Spoiler


I love this universe's Veklerov.  There, I said it.  He's a crazy, pompous bastard, sure, but that's what makes him hilarious.  By the end of the update I was howling (I can imagine him just standing there, with this little smirk on his face, while Fry's struggling to restrain his brother).  Nice parallel to Zapp Brannigan, too.

The Mars conversation.... oh man.  I think I've been waiting for that to pop up this entire time and it didn't disappoint at all.

“Think about it though. That’s Mars down there. We’re on a space-ship...”
“Just another ball of rock,” Yancy muttered, staring at the planet thorugh half-lidded eyes. He turned away for a moment. “Nothing special about it.”


Chris has already pointed out the typo.  I don't think that "space-ship" is commonly hyphenated, but I don't think it's incorrect, either.

(And maybe I'm being horribly presumptuous, but that rock line sounds vaguely familiar.... =) )


"I didn’t get most of it because I was playing with the little rocket on page three-”
“You learned about it from a pop-up book?”
“The librarian said it was the only thing they had at my level...” Fry frowned.


XD  I'd like to think Fry has reading comprehension skills somewhere above that level, but getting distracted by a little paper rocket sounds exactly like something he'd do.

The whole conversation was delectably bittersweet.  Just the way he took it all in and walked away... that's a heavy set of weight to have piled on you in a single interval.

Spoiler


I'm eagerly awaiting next Saturday (or whenever you find time to finish the episode).
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby missy_misery » Sun May 04, 2008 5:27 am

Darnit, I keep getting beaten to the concrit.  All I can offer is that this is terrific, Graham - plotty and completely absorbing.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Sun May 04, 2008 9:57 am

Heh, when Yancy talks about Fry's relationship with Amy-1, at first I read "ended up *crying* on her shoulder".


Ahh, that might work. I'll try it out.

missy_misery wrote:Darnit, I keep getting beaten to the concrit.  All I can offer is that this is terrific, Graham - plotty and completely absorbing.

That's what happens when you have a life. You miss stuff I do. Stop having a life! :P

;)

Officer 1BDI wrote:Nice parallel to Zapp Brannigan, too.


Ah-hah, you spotted that! They needed a pompous ass and Brannigan was busy blowing up the Neutrals... I might see if I can get them to meet in one episode just to see if there are any survivors. :D


The Mars conversation.... oh man.  I think I've been waiting for that to pop up this entire time and it didn't disappoint at all.


Woot woot!

And maybe I'm being horribly presumptuous, but that rock line sounds vaguely familiar


;D

(assuming I'm interpreting your notes correctly)


Darn notes telling me what to do!

Yeah that last bit is going to be interesting, at least from my perspective, since it starts to reveal a lot more of Evila's motivations.

Also, feel free to post that picture whenever you like. :)
Last edited by Archonix on Sun May 04, 2008 10:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Officer 1BDI » Sun May 04, 2008 6:05 pm

All right, then. ;D
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sun May 04, 2008 8:39 pm

Lovely comic. Absolutely lovely.  :amy ()))))))>ccco  :fry

EDIT: I thought your name was Nicole. Apologies for getting it wrong. I'm bad at these things.
Last edited by Anonymous on Mon May 05, 2008 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Mon May 05, 2008 12:59 am

Heehee, I still love Amy's expression in the last panel. ;D
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Officer 1BDI » Mon May 05, 2008 3:40 am

Thank you, both of you.  :)

(But who is Nicole?)  It's ok. =) I've never actually revealed my real name online.
Last edited by Officer 1BDI on Tue May 06, 2008 2:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
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"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"

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