[work in progress] Parallel Lives

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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Archonix » Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:49 pm

So it's not finished (still!) but it's getting so big and taking so long that I need a little more ego massage feedback to be sure I'm not getting too long in the plot. Naturally spoilers abound, there are spots marked where I'll be adding more into the story, but there are also a few places where Im' going to try and edit down.

I figure I'll have between 30 and 40 pages to add to this before it's done. It's my longest fic to date...

[edit]Added a few more pages and uploaded again.[/edit]
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Officer 1BDI » Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:42 pm

Ooh, an upd....

*glances sadly at the schedule of of finals and essays that somehow fell into the same week*

I won't be able to read this until at least Friday, unfortunately. :/  But I am looking forward to it!
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Archonix » Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:45 pm

Real life always comes first. ;)
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by c_nordlander » Thu Jun 12, 2008 12:15 pm

A bit of a sketchy opinion, since I don't really have much to nitpick on (except possibly

Spoiler


The plot continues *great*, there are many funny jokes, and I love some descriptions, like of the tube travel. I really feel for the characters, particularly, I think, Yancy.

Spoiler


Neena's getting more character as well. She's very close to Leela, but not identical. I love the whole bit where she finds out about her origins.

All the threads are coming together. Just keep it up; this is at least as good as any of your stories so far.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by missy_misery » Sat Jun 14, 2008 9:05 am

This is still so great, Graham - have I ever mentioned how original it feels?  It just feels so different from other Frama sci-fi pieces in that its ground is so solidly within the characters' personalities.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Officer 1BDI » Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:15 pm

This took me long enough.  Sorry.

Excellent as usual.  Some grammatical/spelling nitpicks (spoilered to save space):

Spoiler


I agree with Chris that the apartment scene should be a little longer, but I think another scene that could be added to is the park/reflecting pool scene.  Rereading the scene, I'm not really sure what I'm hoping you'll add, but something about Neena's reaction to the revelation seems lacking, possibly because much of the time when she's just sitting there mulling the news over, the focus is largely on Yancy.  But that would make sense, since the scene's being written from his perspective.... Gah, I don't know.  Even if I thought the park scene was short, the apartment scene covered the bases I wanted to see covered. 

Spoiler


Fry and Amy... I was not expecting that, but gawd, that made my inner shipper happy.  At least until I read your author notes and was reminded of how the chapter has to end. :(

“Actually we never really did anything outside of work and those times in your car.”

I don't think that's entirely accurate.  I could have sworn Fry mentioned in that episode that he and Amy went home after they were towed off Mercury (though he might have been referring to his apartment), and even if that never happened, he still should have seen her apartment when his head was attached to her body.

"You got a robe I can borrow?”
“Sure, there’s a dozen or so in the bathroom, you should find one in your size.”

...Well, at least she's well-prepared.

Other little things I loved: "And mom wouldn’t have kissed me like that."; "We could go for a drink." "No."; "What about Amy?" *insert copious laughter here*; Neena opening the door and finding Vek there; "It was the sort of feeling she’d had when the ships engines cut out unexpectedly while landing." (loved that description)... Actually, there're too many to name.
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"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Archonix » Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:38 pm

The apartment/park scenes were written quite late at night and I agree, they feel a bit awkward now. :) I'm going to re-write them a little to see if I can smooth that out.

Spoiler


At least until I read your author notes and was reminded of how the chapter has to end.


Yeah, it's got to me a bit, too and I wrote it that way. I should stop making myself sad. ;D
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Archonix » Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:53 pm

Had a go at re-writing the apartment scene a little. Ignore the big spelling mistakes, I'll catch those. ;D

Spoiler
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Officer 1BDI » Sun Jun 29, 2008 12:12 am

I finally had a moment to sit down and read the new apartment scene thoroughly.  I much prefer it over the original version.

Spoiler


ETA: I just caught something else.  In the very end of your story, you say that Yancy's been in the future for six or seven years, but in the chapter segment you uploaded to the other forums earlier today, Fry thinks:
His brother was overbearing, rude and opinionated but having him there made Fry feel at home, really at home, for the first time in nearly five years.


Although I guess you could argue that the two universes are at slightly different points in the timeline (maybe Universe "Default" was created a few years later than Universe "Where I Belong").
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Bender and God, "Godfellas"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Archonix » Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:21 pm

Officer 1BDI wrote:I finally had a moment to sit down and read the new apartment scene thoroughly.  I much prefer it over the original version.


Good! I'm a lot more satisfied with it now, thanks to you. ;)

which kind of contradicts what he's telling Neena.

Fixed. That was a very subtle contradiction, I'd completely missed it. It's hard to spot them sometimes. :)

ETA: I just caught something else.  In the very end of your story, you say that Yancy's been in the future for six or seven years, but in the chapter segment you uploaded to the other forums earlier today, Fry thinks:
His brother was overbearing, rude and opinionated but having him there made Fry feel at home, really at home, for the first time in nearly five years.


Although I guess you could argue that the two universes are at slightly different points in the timeline (maybe Universe "Default" was created a few years later than Universe "Where I Belong").


Oh, I checked, you're right. I've been working in a very rough timeframe but I figure it's best to standardise on something and say this is taking place at around the date I mentioned in that last part. Mid 3007, lets say. That puts it before the events of BBS, letting me safely ignore the whole thing. I've gone and corrected the posted versions.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Archonix » Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:06 am

More clattered out shtuff. If I've missed typos mentioned previously it's because I'm either lazy or haven't got around to fixing them again in the old copy I had to use. Don't worry, I'll get to them eventually...
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:57 pm

Comments, taking up from where I left off:

The scene after Leela wakes up with a hangover is excellently painful and embarrassing. Many good expressions here.

Spoiler


You obviously didn’t”
Missing some punctuation here.

Spoiler


I like Leela's reason for not going with Neena to the sewers.

Neena's story of how she met Veklerov is excellent, though it feels a bit dialogue-heavy at the start. That might not need changing, though. Quite some funny lines here (greensnake!). Some nice descriptions of the ship.

Typo: "complaint" (in Hermes' dialogue when Neena is visiting Planet Express) should be "compliant".

"Number motivator coil" seems to need, well, a number, or am I way out?

She stared up at the scarlet hull, staring at her face reflected on its surface,
Very minor nitpick, but two "stare"s in the same sentence feels a bit much.

You've done a good job with Veklerov. He has funny lines and generally feels likeable (if I didn't know from the previous scenes what a cad he is).

“Beats staring people to death, eyeball.”
Bender's hilarious, too!

The sanitised interrogation, peeking deep into people’s private lives without much of a care for how they felt about it.
I love this sentence.

“Are you absolutely sure about that, Amy?” Vek folded his arms and tilted his head toward the door a little. It was so obvious that Leela almost thought she’d imagined it and had to stifle a quiet laugh.
Another lovely bit.

Typo: "drpping" should be "dropping".

Typo:
Neena jumped up fro the bed


Well, this is very good, as usual. Everyone's in character (I haven't mentioned Amy yet, but she's very good), and there's a good reason for Neena's fling with Veklerov. Just keep it coming.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Officer 1BDI » Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:00 am

I just have a few more typos/nitpicks and general comments to add:

“I really can’t believe you’d do it,” Amy said as she flopped over to the side of the bed.

Amy's sentence seems off to me, almost like it's incomplete.  It took me a few moments to realize she was referring to Fry's decision to stay because I couldn't immediately recall what "it" was.  It might have just been my brain taking unusually long to play catch-up, though.

“At least now I know you were somewhere safe and not in some back alley having your organs removed.”

Nice callback to "My Three Suns."

The entire videophone scene was, for lack of more articulate phrasing, made of win.  You can't have it both ways, Philip. :p

She turned and pulled a towel and a some clothes from the many neatly bundled sets in the wardrobe.

There shouldn't be an "a" between "and" and "some clothes".

“You have a bender on your crew? What use is that?”
“I bend food into interesting shapes,” Bender replied.

That made me laugh aloud.  I'm surprised they haven't used an excuse like this on the show, actually.

The ship began to accelerate, well above the speed limit Vek had been cursing before.

I think "cursing" should be "cruising."

Neena jumped up fro the bed

"fro" should be "from".

I don't have much else to say that Chris hasn't already expanded on.  I love Neena's explanation for getting close to Vek (although I hate him that much more now, even if he didn't really know what he was doing to her *a full night's sleep later* what am I thinking?  He knew exactly what he was doing.  Bastard).
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by missy_misery » Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:40 pm

Massively wonderful as always, Graham - again I've been beaten to the concrit punch, but my absolute favorite moment's the videophone segment.  I'm jealous of how perfectly written Bender is, BTW!
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Post by Archonix » Wed Jul 30, 2008 6:26 pm

Oh stop, my ego can't take it! ;D

Thanks for all teh crit guys... well, gals, I guess. ;D It's much appreciated, especially the pointing out of stupid typing mistakes. I'm still stuck on the final segment and I've taken to writing bits of the other episodes until I know what I'm doing. Obviously this means it'll be a while.
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