[work in progress] Parallel Lives

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Archonix
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Thu Nov 27, 2008 10:42 pm

Re-written ending, most of the little tweaks and things fixed up. I'm still thinking about some changes I might make to the epilogue. Possibly...
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Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Officer 1BDI » Sun Nov 30, 2008 4:40 am

I spent a while with the epilogue open, trying to figure out what song would best fit that scene.  Then some Rick Astley tune popped into my head. 

...Some things are just better left ambiguous (also, I clearly need to GTFO of the Internet).

Spoiler


Some more minor nitpicks:

Amy and Fry, both taking the hint, grabbed one arm and and walked her out of the room.

You have an extra "and".

Spoiler
Last edited by Officer 1BDI on Sun Nov 30, 2008 5:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:40 pm

That ending scene has driven me insane but I think this version is pretty much how I want it to be. I might have to tweak the timing a little, though; it doesn't flow very well at the moment.

And now, I'm also attempting to clear up some problems with the science stuff that limited my options in future episodes.

Spoiler


Anyway, re-writing bits. This is why I never liked posting stories before I was done through to the end, because now I have to go back and edit the parts I've posted elsewhere... wheeee...

Spoiler
Last edited by Archonix on Sun Nov 30, 2008 6:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Sun Nov 30, 2008 9:45 pm

Last tweaks, barring any spelling mistakes...
* Archonix starts researching Rome
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Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Officer 1BDI » Sun Nov 30, 2008 10:15 pm

Archonix wrote:
Spoiler



Much.  Not that the first bit was bad, but I think this revised version fits the scene better. :)
"I was God once."
"Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."
Bender and God, "Godfellas"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Dec 27, 2008 12:10 pm

First of all: I like the ending. But you knew that.

More specific comments, all on the latest version of course.

The walk through the sewers is appropriately nightmarish.

Typo: "jogged a few stops" should be "steps".

Yancy made sure his approach was loud, just so Neena wouldn’t be shocked when he arrived at her side again.
An excellent bit of description.

The mutants have lots of funny moments. In fact, the whole mutant city scene is excellently written. It's nice to have Yancy as the viewpoint character, as well. Makes him a bit more central.

Typo: "eh found Vyolet and Dwayne".

To be continued (I don't know how much I need to say about the scene where Fry returns to the ship, since I've already commented on that). But it's certainly a good fic.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:15 pm

Further stuff:

Spacing typo: "gone?No". Also, you should have a comma after the "No".

You have a very good description of Leela waking up. I don't think I'll bother pointing out all the good stuff (the good stuff doesn't need help, after all). Just be aware that you have it.

A slight continuity problem. At one point, you have: "Vek was still asleep. Snoring." However, a few paragraphs later at the end of the scene: "The man started to snore." You probably need to fix that.

I laughed at the split Wormulons, and Leela's gibe at Veklerov.

Oh, and I love the word "leonine". I don't see it used very often.

Good characterisation of everyone here, particularly Leela and Fry.

I'm fairly sure "grit" is a regular verb, so it should be "Leela gritted her teeth", not "grit her teeth".

manoeuvred them away from the fighters though, fortunately for Leela’s side,
I believe you need a comma before "though".

I'm kind of disappointed Leela doesn't hit Veklerov when he insults her the last time and crosses the limit. It would make for a fun reversal of the whole big masculine hero saves the uppity woman trope, that she can beat him up even with an injured leg. However, the way you've written the scene still makes the point (that she throws him off the controls and saves the day). I guess I just want her to smack him.

Typo: "It handled a differently" should be "a bit".

I think "Rolling just a bit" should be added to the end of the previous sentence instead of being a separate sentence.

She pushed the engines to full power, drawing the planet and the fight away
I feel you need another verb than "drawing" there, since it kind of implies that they're pulling the planet and the battle with them. No real suggestions, though.

Kind of a minor point, but I like how Fry got to fire the turrets. He seems to be good at it. Also Amy's reaction to his return.

Typo: "bowelled over" should be "bowled".

Disgusted that she had ever fallen for him, Leela pushed Veklerov away
Might be a case of telling instead of showing, though it's not too bad. Up to you whether to keep it. (Well, everything is, but you know what I mean.)

I like how in your fics, Leela often thinks of Fry as "the kid". It feels very appropriate.

I really like Leela and Fry talking things over. It's very un-melodramatic, and they both come across as sensible adults (or as much so as is in character for them). Fry's naked confusion and distress feel very in character.

Leela feeling

Spoiler


is an extremely dramatic scene. It terrified *me*, and I still knew what it was about. Also feels very symbolic that she

Spoiler
. I think I can guess who made the "period" joke, too. Nice bit of comic relief (well, jerkass relief, really).

To be continued with the next Yancy and Neena scene.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Jan 10, 2009 10:30 pm

Continuing:

The scene in the sewers is very good. I've said this before, but I like the way you've fleshed out mutant culture, with the whole quasi-Puritan reserved, sons of the soil thing. Neena's breakdown is well written.

The smoke curling from her mouth and nose as she breathed out lent her an almost demonic seductiveness.
I love this sentence.

The mutant blinked in surprise at the sudden escalation of the situation.
Might be a bit too much telling instead of showing.

When she looked at the functional side her face seemed to freeze, hardening into a pale, stony neutrality.
Another awesome description. You have quite a lot of those here.

Typo: "out of site" should be "sight".

I like the little detail of Yancy calling her "Neena".

that didn’t make any more sense than the idea Phil had been.
I think you should add a "that" after "idea".

All of Leela’s life was here laid out in stark monochrome.
Would be better with a comma after "here". Otherwise, great descriptions.

Yancy strolled along the street to the cowering crowd of mutants at the far end, hold his hands out in case they thought he was going to shoot them or something.
I like it, but "hold" should be "holding".

Nice hint with Vyolet having Evila's cigarettes. I also like Vyolet referring to the Leelas as "alien mutant wannabes".

Spoiler


She’s snapped, he thought sadly.
I think "sadly" is really redundant.

She set off up the tunnel, whistling a song he’d never heard before, splashing her way through the muck of the sewers in a way that seemed inappropriately happy.
Awesome.

Typo: "A matched flared to life" should be "match".

Nice, subtle segue to the next scene.

Typo: "getting home as fat as possible".

but, this wasn’t home.
I think you need a comma before the "but".

Fry's inner voice and thoughts are wonderful and in character.

Again, a creepy turn of events.
Spoiler


Spoiler
I like his waking up, too.

Try not to die again.”
Excellent. In fact, so is this whole scene.

Nice "The Sting" ref.

I've probably said this before, but I admire Leela putting herself down so as not to badmouth Fry in front of Amy.

Nice, tense set-up for the final confrontation. Farnsworth's reaction makes for great comic relief.

Heh, Leela gets to rip off her shirt! Being the heroic captain of this trek among the stars and all...

until the wound was completely covered, though not absolutely sealed.
Two adverbs to two verbs seems a bit much. I'd take out "completely".

and just stared into the distance.
"just" could probably go.

Typo: "tick" should be "tic" (as in a facial tic).

To be concluded.
Last edited by Anonymous on Sun Jan 11, 2009 11:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
c_nordlander
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Jan 16, 2009 9:10 pm

OK, continuing:

I like
Spoiler


“Want something right, you gotta do it yourself,”
I think you should have "*done* right", unless you mean for Evila to speak in a slightly unusual way.

You have Yancy thinking of Evila as "this new dark Leela" twice. Once is good, but I'd change the second time it occurs.

I really like Yancy's saving Fry. It's possible that there's a bit of showing instead of telling, though: for example in "a belligerent yell escaped his lips", I'm not sure the adjective is needed (much as I like that word).

turned and punched Yancy in the gut then whacked him across the side of his head with the butt of her pistol.
Should have a comma after "gut", unless this is intentional. It kind of works.

I like Yancy's reaction to Evila screaming.

He reached he locker after a seconds that seemed like an eternity,
Typoes: "he locker" and "a seconds". Also, "seemed like an eternity" is a bit of a cliché.

“That better be the last of them,” he muttered,
I find that line hilarious.

Nice subversion of the expectation of Evila waking up.

Then she leaped and spun, aiming a swift kick at Neena’s head but the other cyclops rallied
Needs a comma after "head".

It was only after he’d hit the ground that he realised who the blur had been
Needs a full stop. (Again, unless it's meant to be abrupt.)

Typo: "hen hand" should be "her".

The climax of the battle is, of course, very poignant and well-written.

his expression unreadable as hers.
I think it should be "as unreadable as hers".

I like the little detail of Leela taking a shirt from the locker.

as if some remotely familiar part of herself disappearing down a long and distant tunnel
Should be "was disappearing". Great description, all of it.

“Oh, eventually, no doubt...” he took off the odd helmet-and-lens contraption
I think "he" should be capitalised. The next bit made me laugh.

Spelling: "descendent" should be "descendant".

I've probably said this before, but the business with the scar is really sweet and touching.

To be continued.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
c_nordlander
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Jan 17, 2009 9:49 pm

I like Veklerov quitting. It makes a lot of sense.

Very nice touch with the fact that Yancy isn't used to what 31st century medicine can do.

Not an error, but a bit of an inconsistency: you usually spell "focussed" with two S's, but here you have "unfocused" with one. Sticking to one spelling is usually best.

I've said this before, but Neena's nightmare is excellent and horrifying.

I also like Neena understanding what Leela means, even though Yancy doesn't.

She felt a terrible dread descend around her, like a shroud falling over her shoulders.
Beautiful.

Typo: "wiling".

The events occurring to Fry are truly creepy, and the Professor's infodump manages to be both funny and accessible. Again, I think it's very good that you had Fry being conscious and in on this discussion.

I still love the "cumulative" joke.

“But it has to be now.”
I’ve modified the, uh, modifications I made to your scanner, Leela. They should be able to give you a good idea of how long you’ll last in a given universe before your waveforms begin to collapse. It should also be able to tell you when you reach your own universe again. Now...”
Since all of this is the Professor's speech, you shouldn't have the quotation marks at the end of the previous line.

Fry's conversation with Yancy is very good, and his maturity makes sense and doesn't get him out of character. Yancy's great, too. I love the "Last Crusade" joke. The ending of the scene is very sweet.

The epilogue:

Neena's characterisation is very good here. An appropriate mixture of vulnerability and strength.

Typo: "is was" should be "it was".

Fry's recorded speech is good, though it occasionally feels a bit clichéd. Not necessarily the substance (it's pretty universal, after all), just some of the expressions used. Your mileage may vary. The ending is very sweet and non-tacky.

Typo: "he frozen image" should be "the".

I still love Yancy deciding not to see the tape from Laura.

The new ending... well, I thought the old one was very sweetly written and emotive, but I still think this new one is an improvement. As other reviewers has pointed out, it actually has Yancy becoming prepared to meet the future, rather than retreating into his old life. I also like how you're not over-obviously setting him up with Neena: there's the potential for romance there, but they're giving it the time it needs. And yes, they do make a very nice couple.

So, this was one heck of a read. I'll save more substantial comments for the final version, but this had a lot for it: a solid Yancy appearance (I like Yancy), drama, action, clever plotting, great characterisation of all the mains, and some frightfully well-written nastiness. I particularly liked the whole sewers section and Neena's breakdown. Evila is still a cool villain, and you keep showing more glimpses of her motives. On a lighter note, Veklerov is a funny (if incredibly annoying) character. I hope he becomes a mainstay of this saga.

The
Spoiler
was suitably shocking, but I'm glad that, unlike in the previous fic,
Spoiler


Highly recommended to those who haven't read it.
Last edited by Anonymous on Wed Jan 21, 2009 10:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby Archonix » Fri Dec 04, 2009 12:48 pm

Just recording notes if anyone wants to have a peek at them. Spoilered obviously.

Spoiler
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
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Re: [work in progress] Parallel Lives

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Dec 04, 2009 2:15 pm

This is kind of superfluous, but I'm really looking forward to this story. You have a very interesting world-building going on here.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"

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