(WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (6/6) (PG-13)

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(WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (6/6) (PG-13)

Postby missy_misery » Sun May 25, 2008 5:39 am

Inspied by the challenge Stretch Dude made in the Abandoned Plot Bunny shelter.

SUMMARY: Lisa has to cope with the ramifications of her decision to leave her father and Brother back on Earth and adjust to her new life in the Earthican Martian Colony.  AU Simpsons-In-universe canon for TOH X's "Life's a Glitch, then You Die."

Rating reflects mature themes of coping with character death in storyline, plus possible future language.
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Last edited by Anonymous on Wed Nov 25, 2009 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (1/??) (PG-13)

Postby c_nordlander » Sun May 25, 2008 10:26 pm

Preliminary remarks: I didn't like "Life's a Glitch, Then You Die" at all, but this is a really interesting idea! I'm glad some of the stuff from the Plot Bunny Shelter is being written. Also, we haven't had any Simpsons science fiction fanfic since... oh, the latest instalment of "Bart Wars"? I'm glad this is being remedied.

The title is great.

The opening is very good, but it might need a bit more description. They're on a flippin' spaceship!  :) Unless the lack of description means that you want it to seem very dull and unfurnished, in which case it comes across well. (The descriptiveness gets a lot better later on.)

Lisa laughed nervously.  “It’s how she deals with stress.  Flour’s her mood stabilizer.”
Beautiful.

Spelling nitpick: surely it should be "passengers' section". (Or "passenger section".)

Lisa's feelings are really understandable, but I can't help but feel that you do a bit more showing than telling (particularly with the "The depressing work, long hours and the inevitability of facing her mother after the horrible decision she’d made"). I'd suggest: give us more of Lisa's reactions, less pointing out why.

Exhaustion had made hunger a distant possibility, nothing more.
Another great line.

Spelling: it's "Allison" with two L's.

It's fun to see Allison again, and goodness knows Lisa needs a friend. I'm a bit surprised that she didn't get a place on the ship on her own merits, though, seeing how she's supposed to be even more gifted than Lisa. Still, it makes for good drama, and I guess it's realistic (not every smart person could expect to get a place, unless they were especially needed).

Too many good lines here for me to note them all.

Lisa felt her stomach sink violently toward her ankles, and at the sadness in her mother’s expression as she got back her bearings.
The second half of this sentence looks like there's something missing.

Their pilot’s static tone brought no real comfort
This sounds a bit hackneyed for some reason.

I love the description of the landing. There are two sentences both ending with "below", though. A bit distracting.

I like Marge's inappropriate joke. It's the kind of thing you might say in that situation.

I do like Lisa's worry about what kind of work Marge will be doing on the base. Every fic that remembers that Marge is more than a sentient dishwasher gets a big plus from me.

Not much to say about the voyage and their new home. It's perfect. I like Lisa finding a saxophone waiting for her in her room.

This is just good! The idea is great of course, the angst is all called for, the description of the base on Mars is very well thought-out, and the characterisation is pretty flawless. The one... not niggle, but observation, is that Lisa's dialogue (not so much her thoughts) comes off as rather shy and unassertive. (I know people have pointed that out about your other Lisa-centric fics.) Still, she is in a very shocking situation.

The only real nitpicks I have is, like I said above: 1) a bit too much telling (about Lisa's feelings), and 2) the start is very short on descriptions. And those are minor. I'm looking forward to more!
Last edited by Anonymous on Sun May 25, 2008 10:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (1/??) (PG-13)

Postby Tony_Baritone » Wed May 28, 2008 4:55 am

Very little to add, I agree with what Chris had to say, but I wanted to make special note of Marge's characterization.  It crops up at appropriate points, but I really liked the onset of denial that's always present in her actions.  "False cheeriness"..."sudden enthusiasm"...her Y2K crack...the story's end.  They all add up to a very Marge-like picture of a tragic drop into madness, very well executed.  Would like to see more.
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (1/??) (PG-13)

Postby missy_misery » Wed May 28, 2008 7:45 pm

Argh, I had a huge response typed up before I was logged out - suffice it to say thanks to Chris for catching some problems I had with the fic, and thanks to STG for as always being supportive :)

I'll be fleshing the first few paragraphs out a lot, and will also be adding more details that explain the depths of lisa's current numbness (I'm sure she'll be displaying another level of grief soon).

Thanks guys!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (1/??) (PG-13)

Postby Stretch_Dude » Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:15 pm

I was not aware of this until today, and I'm glad Chris mentioned it in the Plot Bunny thread.

It gives me kind of a weird giddy feeling knowing that somebody is writing a fanfic based on an idea of mine, even moreso knowing that it's quite good indeed. Missy, you clearly gave way more thought to this concept than I ever did, and I thank you for it. Can't wait to see the next part.
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (2/??) (PG-13)

Postby missy_misery » Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:42 am

Aww, I thought you already knew about this, SD!  Glad you're flattered :)


Speaking of, this is the second chapter, in which Lisa experiences her first day of school on Mars.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (2/??) (PG-13)

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Aug 15, 2008 8:54 pm

Finally commenting on the second chapter:

Very good opening. As usual, I'm not going to point out all the good bits, or I'd be here all night.

Soon her glass of orange juice had disappeared, and once it was gone she asked Marge, “did you hear about your assignment yet?”
I think Lisa's dialogue should begin with a capital D.

I'm as happy as Lisa that Marge gets assigned a job.

“There’s an art museum?” Lisa smiled, not even noticing it.
Nice image, but it feels a bit telescoped. I'd change to "Lisa said, smiling and not even noticing it", or it sounds like she doesn't notice what she's saying.

Nice little detail about the backpack being the same colour as Lisa's old one.

“Have a good day, sweetie!” she pecked Lisa on the forehead
I think "she" should be capitalised, since it's a separate sentence rather than a dialogue tag.

Lisa felt Allison’s slim fingers clamp down on her folded ones – the scope of her terror suddenly became clear to Lisa.
I think this would sound better if you had a full stop instead of the dash.

For some strange reason, Lisa felt better
I think the first four words could go: later, you explain just why Lisa felt better.

Typo: "art-decco" should be "art deco".

and suddenly felt an old, strange curl of anxiety that had accompanied her journey through elementary gym class after elementary gym class.  It was a good feeling – a normal one.
Beautiful description.

Very nice scene between Lisa and Allison after the class.

“Only for a moment,” she tried a thin smile.
Again, I think the bit after the dialogue should be a separate sentence rather than a dialogue tag.

Very good detail about the grief counselling brochures being handed out.

Maggie, who had been at Marge’s work-sponsored daycare all day –
You should have a dash instead of that comma.

Great ending, too. Nice to see Lisa acting aggressive and unfair, as anyone would in that situation, but as far too few fanwriters would picture her.

Well, all I can say is, this is one of your most interesting fanfics to date (which is saying something!), and I just want you to write more. An excellent read so far.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (2/??) (PG-13)

Postby missy_misery » Sun Aug 17, 2008 8:00 am

*bows* as always, Chris, I'm honored by your feedback.  Thanks especially for your notes on grammer - I'll make the necessary adjustments before posting the final version!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (2/??) (PG-13)

Postby missy_misery » Thu Dec 18, 2008 4:21 am

This is a short, bridging chapter leading in to something much deeper.  Short, but impactfully so I hope.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (2/??) (PG-13)

Postby c_nordlander » Mon Jan 19, 2009 8:52 pm

Not much to say about this chapter. It's beautifully written, and covers quite a bit of development despite its shortness. It's possible that there's a little telling instead of showing, but nothing big enough to grate. Lisa feels extremely in character, both childish and intellectual.

The chapter ending shocked me a bit, but then, it's supposed to.

All in all, I have nothing bad to say about it. Very interesting, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. (This is probably your most interesting Simpsons fic currently in progress, in my opinion.)
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (2/??) (PG-13)

Postby missy_misery » Tue Jan 20, 2009 6:19 pm

As always, thanks so much, Chris - I much appreciate your support on this one (and yes, I agree - at least it's the one that interests ME the most....).
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (4/10) (PG-13)

Postby missy_misery » Sun Nov 01, 2009 4:24 pm

And here's the fourth part :) 
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (4/10) (PG-13)

Postby Stretch_Dude » Sun Nov 01, 2009 5:07 pm

Really liking this.

Spoiler
I memorized "Holy Grail" really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (4/10) (PG-13)

Postby c_nordlander » Sun Nov 01, 2009 9:00 pm

I'm glad you keep writing this! It's a good story.

I think this "as if no time at all had passed by, when in reality weeks and months were passing in their typical, ordered march" might be better with "as if no time at all had gone, when in reality weeks and months were passing in their typical, ordered march". A bit less repetitive, but what you have isn't bad.

Other than that, pretty great start.

Lisa's reaction to Mrs. Boulanger wanting a word with her are great as well. Oh, all your writing is great.

Once she had been seated before Mrs. Boulanger’s desk, she said, “Lisa, I’ve been worried about you.”
OK, this sounds like it's Lisa talking. You'll have to change it to "Mrs. Boulanger [or "the teacher"] said".

A school psychologist is a "counselor", not a "councilor". A councilor is someone on a council.

Bitterness seeped from Lisa’s pores.
A bit too melodramatic. I think you could get Lisa's feeling of betrayal through in a better way.

There's a quotation mark after "the cool, robotic tone of her own voice" that shouldn't be there. (Good description, otherwise!)

“Special?” she took a brownie from the pile.
"She" should be capitalised.

As she sprawled out over her bed, Lisa remembered telling Bart about the stages of grief.  Denial had come first, then anger, but she could not seem to find the will to bargain with anyone.
This is perfect. The next line, too.

It was dark outside when she awoke, startled abruptly into consciousness.
I like the first part of the sentence, but the second feels like overwriting a bit. Maybe "abruptly" could go.

Interesting ending to this bit, without being shocking for the sake of it.

Well, I have little negative to say about this. Stretch Dude already pointed out the lack of clarity in who was speaking the last line. Very good characterisation of Lisa, and your writing is, as usual, top-notch. The revelation of
Spoiler
if not a red herring, is intriguing as well.

I'll be looking forward to the next bit.
Last edited by Anonymous on Sun Nov 01, 2009 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: (WIP) "The Bouvier Girls" (4/10) (PG-13)

Postby missy_misery » Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:50 pm

Thanks, SD -

Spoiler


@ Chris - as always your feedback's massively helpful (I can't believe I failed the councilor/counselor part).

Maybe 'when she was startled into conciousness', to simplify?

I've definately got to get Lisa out of this cycle of anger/avoidance.  I think this next chapter will have her gradually coming out of that spiral.

Thanks so much for the feedback, both of you, it's quite appreciated!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"

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