Death of a Simpson

Get help, post works in progress for feedback and see articles and tutorials written by other writers.
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby c_nordlander » Sat May 09, 2009 10:02 pm

Last and final comments  :)

right now, honey.” Homer consoled his wife,
The dialogue should end with a comma rather than a full stop.

I really like the interaction between Homer and Marge here.

"the reentered the deserted visitor’s lounge": "the" should obviously be "they".

I like the mention of the bruise on Kent's mouth.

I quite like Homer's line and kicking the TV.

“D’oh!” He grunted
"He" shouldn't be capitalised.

“Sit DOWN, Homer.” Marge commanded
Again, should have a comma, not a full stop.

“Yes, dear.” His expression switched to one of supplication.
Very sweet!

you know better than that.” Lisa said
Should have a comma, not a full stop.

“At least as long as your insurance holds out.” He added
Again, should be a comma, and "he" shouldn't be capitalised. Funny joke, though; very in character for Dr. Hibbert. Same with the rest of the line.

I like Marge's next line as well, and the end of the chapter.

Or rather, for whom.” She added
Again, comma, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised.

I like the explanation for how Channel Six knew about Bart.

Maggie watched the reflected sun slowly rising towards her upon the surface of the pool she sat in front of.
Wonderful description. The ending of the sentence meanders a bit, though. I'd change it to "the surface of the pool where she was sitting".

"quietly as a mouse" is a bit of a cliché.

‘What’s happening to me?’ She wondered.
Again, "she" shouldn't be capitalised.

I think the last part of that thought is a bit too much telling the reader. I'd prefer if you actually showed us Maggie's mental image of
Spoiler
, and then had her thinking "Why can't I get it out of my mind?"

Maggie hearing Bob's voice in her head is awesomely disturbing. Nothing but praise for that! I like their dialogue, though some of Maggie's lines feel a bit clichéd.

A deep voice echoed from deep within.
The same word twice in the sentence feels a bit much. It's not that bad, but still.

"Maggie's mood darkened" could probably go. It's fairly easy to figure out how she would be feeling at that event.

‘Why is this happening?’ Maggie started to shake slightly.
See, this is much better. It shows her fear in a simple, perfect way.

Bob’s voice preyed on her deepest fears and desires.
Again, seems a bit like a shortcut. Show, don't tell.

It replied slyly.
"It" shouldn't be capitalised.

"button-down" should be "buttoned-down".

Maggie looking in the pool is great.

“I said NO!” She screamed,
"She" shouldn't be capitalised.

“Lisa!” She said in feigned surprise and tried to change the subject.
"She" shouldn't be capitalised. Also, a slight nitpick, but "change the subject" seems a bit odd, since they haven't been talking, she's just trying to distract Lisa from her shout. Not sure how to write that.

Bad dreams.” Maggie admitted
Comma, not full stop.

"it's surface" should be "its".

The whole scene between Maggie and Lisa is great. Very sensitively written.

from continuing down his path.’ She finished privately
Comma, and "she" shouldn't be capitalised.

a warm feeling filled her mind as the memory played itself out.
"filled" should be "filling", or else this should be a separate sentence.

Lisa.” Maggie uttered
Comma, not full stop.

Typo: "revere" should be "reverie".

The bitterness she detected causing her to respond
Should be "caused".

I love Lisa's next line.

Their dialogue about the
Spoiler
is to the point and unsentimental. Very good!

OK, a case of word order changing the meaning: "Chained to a table nearby, Lisa spotted a pen" makes it sound like *Lisa* is chained to the table. Change.

you said it yourself.” Maggie squeaked
Comma, not full stop.

as she tentatively the brittle paper.
There's obviously a word missing here.

I love what Lisa does to make Maggie happy.

The paragraph "The impact of those words crashed into Maggie’s mind" etc. feels a bit overwrought. I'm in two minds about it: I like what you're describing, but at the same time it feels a bit over the top. Lots of adjectives. I think the word "futile" might be a bit too much.

Spoiler


Typo: "the held" should be "they".

as Maggie’s eyes welled up joy and a sense of joy and optimism overtook her.
I think you should change one of the "joy"s to something else.

“Oh, Lisa!” She cried.
"She" shouldn't be capitalised.

I like Lisa's and Marge's dialogue.

Talking, mostly.” Lisa replied
Comma, not full stop.

“Sister stuff.” Maggie spouted cryptically
Comma, not full stop.

thanks for all your help yesterday.” Bart said seriously
Comma, not full stop. Also, you should have a space after the ellipsis earlier.

"their parent’s attention" should be "parents'", unless there's only one parent.

“Already did, last night.” Lisa whispered back
Again, should be a comma.

So. My feelings should already be clear from this long, long review of mine: apart from some technical problems (which should be easy to fix) and the occasional cliché line, I enjoyed this fic immensely. The plot is simple but powerful, with some nice twists and an emotionally satisfactory ending, and holds up well. Everyone is in character. I'm particularly impressed by your Bob, who is a hard character to get right in fanfic. Your style is highly legible, and the dialogue feels natural, something which is darn hard to achieve. But why say it again?

This fic is good, and as far as I'm concerned, it could be put in the archive once you've fixed the technical problems and typoes.

I had an enjoyable time reading this. Kudos!
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Sun May 10, 2009 1:22 am

Well, now that I have your full review I believe I will be taking several hours out of my next weekend off to go back and revisit this story. I know. This has got to be the 10th time I've said this, but each time it didn't really seem to make much difference since you weren't done yet. I am glad you enjoyed my story so much, it was alot of fun to write! It shouldn't take too long for me to begin making some headway in the 'corrections' dept. Thanks for all your efforts in helping me Chris!
We apologise for the inconvenience.
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Wed May 27, 2009 2:57 pm

Here's a little piece of that rewrite I've been promising for the last 5 months, guys.

Sorry it took so long, but last night I finally felt inspired enough to start working on it again.

Last edited by CalculatedChaos on Thu May 28, 2009 10:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2245
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby missy_misery » Wed May 27, 2009 8:29 pm

Since you were so kind as to drop me some concrit, CC :)

This is an emotionally vibrant piece - I like your Maggie voice a lot, but your Bart!voice is particularly strong. 

Spoiler



Considering how dark the subject matter is, it would be easy to give in to bathos, but you fully resist any inclination to do so.  Everyone is well-characterised and I liked your use of Homer, who was well-written and not jerkassy at all.

Don't have any real grammatical advice, but I think you caught everything Chris suggested. 

Good work on the revision!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Wed May 27, 2009 9:58 pm

Thank you very much, Missy! I'm glad I could express myself clearly enough that the tone I was going for shone through. You hit the nail on the head when it comes to the dark subject matter. And later on I plan to do something about the more cliched and mushy moments to bring the story into a sharper edge. I'll have to rereturn the favor and start posting up reviews of your works! ;)

(on a sidenote: about Homer. I really, really can't stand how they've characterized him in recent years. The canon-Homer I know and love will always, always, always be seasons 2-5)
Last edited by CalculatedChaos on Wed May 27, 2009 10:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Thu May 28, 2009 10:15 am

Here's a quick update on that rewrite, it's still progressing smoothly. Almost frighteningly so. Now that I have the framework in place I'm constantly finding places where I can improve the narrative. Along with the corrections Chris suggested I think this story will end up being alot of fun to finish off, finally.
And I think I finally found the right voice for Homer. Not too whiney, but he still manages to get some laughs out of his kids. The old softie.  :homer: :doh:
This is up through the old version's Chapter Three.
Attachments
Rewrite_Death of a Simpson[2].rtf
(40.02 KiB) Downloaded 490 times
We apologise for the inconvenience.
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2245
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby missy_misery » Fri May 29, 2009 1:58 am

You definately hit on my favorite form of Homer characterisation, CC - you're doing a good job aiming for early!era!Homer, though occasionally you head toward the more innocent/manchildish characterisation from seasons 6-10, or you did in first draft (I'll read over the second draft sometime this weekend).  And thank you for the offer of returned reviews, I'd definately enjoy having them!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Thu Jun 04, 2009 5:04 am

Updated: Chapter 5 is complete. I'm actually just sitting down to write Chapter 6 now, so if I finish it I'll just edit this post and change the file around.

(And yes, I'm aware some of the dialogue tags are still off. When I finish the story I will go back and swap them around to their gramatically appropriate state)
Attachments
Rewrite_Death of a Simpson[2].rtf
(69.44 KiB) Downloaded 483 times
Last edited by CalculatedChaos on Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Tue Aug 04, 2009 8:49 am

Been a while since I last updated the story here but I have done several more chapters (up to 10 now!) and will be putting an updated version on this site once I complete the chapter I plan to write later tonight.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2245
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby missy_misery » Wed Aug 05, 2009 5:27 pm

Great to hear this fic's being continued!  I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it, CC!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Sat Aug 08, 2009 10:33 am

Took a bit longer that I was expecting but I did manage to finish off Chapter 11 tonight. The document has some formatting issues because I copied the text from the most current posting I have avaliable for each chapter (missing tabs, line breaks, ect)
Attachments
SFWC_DoaSRewrite.rtf
(179.41 KiB) Downloaded 591 times
We apologise for the inconvenience.
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:21 pm

I am happy to report that the story is finished and capped at 13 chapters. I still have to create a document that contains all the chapters but when that is finished (likely in the next day or two) I will post it here for critique before finally adding it to the completed story section.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2245
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby missy_misery » Wed Oct 21, 2009 8:48 pm

Congradulations!  I'm rather looking forward to reading the finished product :)
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
User avatar
CalculatedChaos
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:48 am
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA, USA
Contact:

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby CalculatedChaos » Sat Oct 24, 2009 8:20 pm

Yeah still working on the final document but if you want to read the story at length it's already up and available on FF.net
We apologise for the inconvenience.
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: Death of a Simpson

Postby c_nordlander » Sat Oct 24, 2009 10:34 pm

Congratulations on finishing that re-write! No mean feat.

Slowly re-reading this from your last posted document. You already know I find it well-written, perhaps a little bit too much telling instead of showing, but that's only a few instances.

Some typoes and other nitpicks (if you've already fixed them, I apologise):

"a wane grimace" doesn't seem correct. I think you mean "wan".

"it's limitations" should be "its". Same with "it's victim" at the end of the prologue.

There's still some instances of you putting full stops instead of commas before dialogue tags. I'm sure you're rooting them all out, though.

Typo: "crimsom" should be "crimson".

"laying face down" should be "lying".

Besides being a bit nitpicky, seems like the rewrite is off to a good start, at least. I'll probably read more and comment.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"

Return to “Writing Help”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest