Help for my script... "Motorwrath"

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Dewey Finn
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Help for my script... "Motorwrath"

Postby Dewey Finn » Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:54 am

This is not a completed script yet--I'm only done with the first draft of act 1.  I've decided to get some help this early because this time, I want to get some help and advise from you guys when the work is in the primary stage. 

Anyway, I've attached the file to the post.  If you want the general plot summary, just ask me.  Thanks
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"My Homer Is Not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!"
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Re: Help for my script... "Motorwrath"

Postby Tyrannus » Sun Oct 19, 2008 12:03 pm

I would take a look at your script but my computer can't open .doc files, if you post an .rtf version or something I should be able to help. :)
Crazed Sherri & Terri fan.

You can't have your characters announce how they feel, that makes me feel angry-Beelzebot.
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Re: Help for my script... "Motorwrath"

Postby Dewey Finn » Sun Oct 19, 2008 2:06 pm

Since I dunno how rtf. works, I'll just post the entire thing here.  Then I'll edit along on this post

Act 1
(OPENS with fast, stimulating and tensing music in the background while the view shows Homer’s sweaty, worried face)
(The music continues and view now shows Homer driving inside the car; the inner view of the car looks very dark as Homer sweats even more and fidgets on the rear part of his pants nervously)

HOMER
(Fearful) No… I’m almost there…! (Covers one of his eyes with his hand) Must… not… look… at…

(Shot of Homer's tense face INT; as the view shows a little bit of a gas station next to the stoplight, Homer gasps and covers both of his eyes)

HOMER
Ahhh!  Must… not… look at… horrible horrible prices…

(Homer’s car passes the gas station; Homer’s car almost hits Agnes, who was crossing on the street)

(Homer then removes both his hands from his eyes, looks around and confirms that he’s past the gas station)

HOMER
(Raises both arms up) Woo-hoo!

(The car loses control with Homer’s both hands off the wheel and the view now shows Homer’s car sliding into the sidewalk)

HOMER
Ahhhhhh!!!

(Homer gets his two hands on the wheel, but it’s too late as the car crashes into the store named “Crash Into Us!: The Crashproof Store’ )

(CUT SCENE to Channel 6 News; Kent Brockman is seen delivering the news)

KENT BROCKMAN
(Gives a slight laugh)…and that’s how Lurleen Lumpkin pulled off another divorce… I, for one, think that she should stop meeting men with big overbites and big eyes—but that’s just my opinion. 

(The news background now turns to ‘My 2 Cents’)

KENT BROCKMAN
And for the social issue—yet another car crash occurred in Springfield today, but this time, local man Homer Simpson, the driver, simply had to cover his eyes just to avoid seeing the terrifyingly high gas prices.  My thought—it’s just stupid, and that is the reason why that we rewarded him the ‘Born 2 B Darwin Award Winner’ mug.

(Scene turns to Homer and his family in living room; Homer is seen taking a sip from ‘Born 2 B Darwin Award Winner’ mug)

HOMER
(Somewhat pleasant tone) He says I’m the first one to win it after that lady from downtown that caught her pants on fire while churning butters! 

(Marge gives a nervous groan and fidgets)

(Scene turns to Channel 6 news)

KENT BROCKMAN
But the stupidity also extends to the rising gas price also!  Personally, I had sell my own Rolls Royce to compensate for gas bill debts and my wife needed some money for a session with a psychiatrist just because (Turns to grudging tone) of her (Makes a quote-unquote finger sign) ‘distress’ over rising gas prices… anyway, there are some talks from the car owners who would love to ditch their cars thanks to the rising gas price.  If Springfield wants cars out of the general transportation temporarily, I’d say: do it! 

(Scene turns to Simpson living room)

LISA
(Beams) That’s a great idea!  Bicycles or walking… all that can alleviate the pollution matters and give benefit for people’s health!

BART
I want a segway!  The one that can give off nasty air from its behind, that is!   

HOMER
If you’re trying to go against Lisa’s comment, I suggest you look for the one that also has Krustyburgers automatically appear on the wheels.

BART
Gotcha (Writes it down on a piece of paper)

LISA
Air pollution is not a funny business!  Did you know that toxic air chemicals that can be collected in a day in Springfield can perform 29 gas chamber executions? 

MARGE
(Worried) Lisa, I’m… glad that you are concerned about the environment, but I think it’s just too early for you to know about um… methods of executions and such

BART
It’s never too early, mom (Snickers)

(CUT SCENE to abandoned room in Springfield Elementary; a life-sized cardboard guillotine is seen with dummy Skinner’s head severed by the blades; ‘El Barto’ is seen sprayed on the cardboard guillotine; CUT to present)

HOMER
What if there is a car that doesn’t give off poison from its hole?  Why, ever since I had first seen a car…

(CUT SCENE to 1960’s; Homer, then 2 years old, is taking awkward steps to someone else’s car.  As he walks, he starts to chant ‘ABC’ song)

2 YEAR OLD HOMER
(Singing) …H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O—

(As Homer reaches to back of the car, the car suddenly starts and gives off gas from the behind; Homer coughs repeatedly and when car drives off, he is seen with a very dazed look)

2 YEAR OLD HOMER
(In dumber tone) Duhh… D, W, A, T, F, B, X…

(The scene then fades to present into the Simpsons living room)

HOMER
Well, as you see, toxic gas and car have all been in the same department for me—in my entire life!  (Slightly fearing) Now that I'm thinking about it changing, I fear it!  Lisa, it will never happen, right?  Right?

LISA
Oh, dad, please… scientists are currently busy on research on cars that would that would use a combinatio of hydrogen and oxygen gases for an eco-friendly option of life!   

HOMER
(Silence for few seconds) What and what life?

(CUT SCENE to Mr. Burns’ office; Burns and Smithers are looking at the surveillance camera screens)

MR. BURNS
You know… Smither, I don’t think I have ever felt this before, but…

SMITHERS
(Slightly excited) Oh, felt what, Mr. Burns—(Calms down a bit) I mean, what would that be, sir? 

MR. BURNS
Oh, it’s that I’m thinking that it’s about time I do something good for employees!  Maybe, a costly present and ha-ha’s or ho-ho’s and—Uncle Burnsie’s coming down your chimney tonight! 

SMITHERS
(Gives a slight laugh) Sure, sir.  But unfortunately, the plant profit’s down 0.3% percent from last month—

MR. BURNS
0.3% percent??? (Worried tone) You don’t think they busted Enron yet, did they?

SMITHERS
(Slightly hesitates in doubt) Well, the point is that sir—with the decline of the profit, giving your employees gifts will get it down much further and will eventually destroy your dream of building a pyramid for your eternal afterlife, sir. 

MR. BURNS
And my casket will contain additional gold coins to please Osiris—the god of death!  I must… keep… saving… money… (Breathes deeply; Smithers pats him lightly on the back to alleviate his mind)

SMITHERS
Uh, how about just choosing just one employee by a… crapshoot?  Well, not necessarily a crapshoot, but you could just randomly choose an employee from these screens and gift him with your warm and pleasing benefits, sir. 

MR. BURNS
Okay…(Burns covers his eyes and points to the surveillance screen to choose a particular view to arbitrarily choose a worker)

(The scene turns to surveillance screens, following Burns’ fingers; one screen shows a worker playing stabbing game; other screen shows Stewart the duck jumping into the salad bar; next screen shows group of teenagers doing the Soulja Boy dance after having the workers in the room tied with a rope; his finger moves to the safety inspector’s room in Sector 7G, where Charlie is seen working as a substitute for Homer; the finger stops there)

MR. BURNS
I choose this worker for the reward of my generosity!

(CUT SCENE to SNPP front gate; the shrill music plays on the background as Homer is seen pedaling on his bicycle very hard, struggling to get to the work)

HOMER
(Huff and buffing) 2 hours… late… must not get… fired!  (The scene now shows Homer stationing the bicycle next to Carl’s car; as Homer gets off he trips down and hits himself on the head) D’oh!

(Homer then gets up and soothes a bump on his head; he then gets horrified to see a big dent on Carl’s car by his fallen bicycle)

HOMER
Oh, lousy bike!  (Homer kicks it in anger; it flies to Lenny’s car and makes an even bigger dent on it)  Awww!

(CUT SCENE to few minutes later; Homer is seen rushing to the safety inspector’s room)

HOMER
I’msosorryguysohthatstupidgaspricehadmenotdrivemyca—

(Homer then gets stunned to see Mr. Burns, Smithers, and many other employees of the section honoring Charlie; he is seen holding a big $100,000 check with some gifts behind him)

HOMER
(Confused) Huh??

MR. BURNS
(Pats Charlie’s back) We honor our good worker, Charlie, today for the exceptional job he has done as a safety inspector of sector 7G!  Soon, his selfless dedication will inspire—

HOMER
(Annoyed) Wait a minute, Mr. Burns—I am and I have been the safety inspector of this sector for 10 years! 

MR. BURNS
(Turns to Homer) Excuse me, Mr. Stranger!  Since you have never seen me in any way, I demand you show some decency to me—

SMITHERS
(Interrupts Mr. Burns) Actually Mr. Burns, that’s Homer Simpson; he worked for you for 10 years as a safety inspector of—

MR. BURNS
Whatever!  If you truly are my good worker, you wouldn’t be late for (Looks at his watch)… uh, 2 hours and 41 bloody minutes! 

(Homer then boils in anger and groans in anguish; he takes a small step to Mr. Burns in threatening manner; Mr. Burns gets out a remote from his pocket and presses one of the buttons; a hole appears in the floor where Homer is standing; the scene still shows Mr. Burns, Smithers and other workers staring at the hole where Homer fell down)

HOMER
Yaaaahhhhhh!  (As Homer lands; a big thud noise is made; silence for few seconds) …I can’t feel my ankle…

(CUT SCENE to Simpson living room; Homer’s seen reading his pink slip from work while having a cast on both of his ankles)

HOMER
Aww, I can’t believe it! 

BART
If you get fired three more times, we’ll have enough pink slips to plaster the entire treehouse!  Sweet…

(Lisa appears; she is seen hiding something on her back)

LISA
Hi, dad!  I have something that we discussed last night

HOMER
You mean, a segway?

LISA
No, it’s a model of a water-fueled car motor!  I thought I’d show it to you since the rising gas prices seem to be a big problem for us

HOMER
If you’re trying to get my hopes up, thanks, but you don’t win any cigar.  Wait, can you replace that with the motor in my car?

LISA
Well, no, obviously, but…

HOMER
…But?

LISA
Well, it is possible to build a bigger model of it if I can do some research—and ingredients would cost a lot also. 

HOMER
But it will solve the gas money problems, right? 

LISA
Well, if built, it will solve gas money problems—but the key word is ‘if’, dad. 

HOMER
Well, if it wasn’t possible, you wouldn’t be saying ‘if’ either!

LISA
Eh, I guess so…

BART
You go, Homer!  (Bart and Homer high-five)

HOMER
Wait, what did we high-five for?

BART
…I dunno

LISA
Heh, this is a case of—

HOMER & BART
(Interrupt Lisa) Lisa, get to work! 

(CUT SCENE to library; Lisa is seen collecting books with a pencil stuck behind her ear; Homer is seen following her around with a big stack of books on his arms)

LISA
As of now, I do know the basics of hydrogen fuel cells that would contribute for the motor… first, the hydrogen or oxyhydrogen must be burned for combustion—

HOMER
What and what bust now?

LISA
(Gives a frustrated murmur)

(CUT SCENE to library table; Lisa is seen writing some chemistry equations on her note; Homer is seen looking at Lisa’s scribblings tediously while tapping on the set of books that they’ve collected)

HOMER
(Looks at equations) Eh, Lisa, I may not be Albert Einschtick, but shouldn't the equations be made out of numbers??  Or are they teaching letters instead of numbers these days?

LISA
No, dad, these letters are symbols for chemical elements.  It—

HOMER
(Slightly annoyed) Alright, alright…  (Talking under his breath) lousy change of public school system… having my daughter to boss me around…

LISA
Dad, I know that you’re impatient for me to start building the motor, but it involves a lot of calculations for the amounts of materials and ingredients needed for the most efficient function of the motor itself!  Remember, ‘Rome was not built in a day.’

HOMER
(Grumpily) Yeah, it must’ve been done in a night…

(CUT SCENE to Lisa’s room; Lisa is seen organizing the papers with chemical equations and Homer is seen behind her)

LISA
O-kay, I’m done calculating and projecting, dad.  (Takes out a big paper that has a blueprint for the motor’s structure) Take a look!

(Homer’s pupils go wide looking at the motor; he also drools.  The scene turns to Lisa’s blueprint with Lisa’s drawn motor; Homer then imagines that the motor is inserted to his car and he drives the car so fast past Patty and Selma that their skins and muscles peel off; all that is left are their bones)

HOMER
(Still drools) Ohh yeahh…

LISA
(Slightly nervous) Well, dad… I know that I’m volunteering for this and it would be greedy for me to ask for more chemistry, but… for me building the motor, can you send me to the advanced students’ chemistry camp in New Haven, Connecticut? 

HOMER
No problemo!  Huh, you are doing such an incredible thing for me and you didn’t ask for any money at all, how pleasant!

LISA
Well… the camp costs 3,000 dollars—minus the transportations and goggles.

HOMER
D’oh!  (Whining) But Lisa—

LISA
(Pleading) Please…?  I’ve wanted to go to that camp ever since I picked up a solid rubidium!  It exploded when Bart poured water on it and gave me a huge scar on my forehead, but my love for chemistry is shall continue and if you send me to the camp, I promise I won’t ask anything chemistry from then.

HOMER
Ehh… not convinced here

LISA
(Spooky tone) If you don’t let me go to the camp, I won’t finish the motor, dad.

HOMER
(Alarmed) Ugh, alright!  But remember… don’t love chemistry too much, because—love will tear you apart.

LISA
No, it won’t

HOMER
D’oh!

END OF ACT 1 
Last edited by Dewey Finn on Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
"My Homer Is Not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!"
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Re: Help for my script... "Motorwrath"

Postby c_nordlander » Sun Oct 26, 2008 11:05 pm

Good thing you're posting this for opinions! Here are mine. Bear in mind, they're not divinely granted laws.

For future notice: don't write "the view is..." (though it's still an improvement on the stage directions in your old fics). Just write, for example: "Shot of the car, INT", instead of "The view is inside the car". It's quicker, too! I'd be very happy if you fixed the stage directions. ("Is seen" isn't needed, either.)

Quite nice title.

a little bit of gas station next to the stoplight,
Should be "a little bit of a gas station".

The prices joke made me laugh!

who was crossing on the street accordingly to the ‘walk’ sign of the crosslight)
"accordingly" makes no sense here. Also, the stage directions should of course be in present tense (I assume this is a typo).

(Homer then takes off both of his hands,
This makes no sense. You mean something like "removes both his hands from his eyes".

You have plenty of hilarious jokes here. The name of the store, the mug, everything. Very high quality.

Homer's "guacamole" joke is a bit weak, though. It's not horrible, but you might cut it with no loss to the script. (And I don't think "guacamole" should be capitalised.)

and my wife needed some money for the session with psychiatrist
Should be "for a session with a psychiatrist".

if Springfield wants car out of the general transportation temporarily, I’d say: do it!
I honestly don't know what this means. I think you mean "cars".

all that can alleviate the pollution matters
Doesn't need the "the".

"Segway" should be capitalised, as it's a trademark.

HOMER
If you’re trying to refute against Lisa’s comment, I suggest you also look for the one that also has Krustyburgers automatically appear on the wheels.
I like the thought behind this line, but "refute" seems like a far too big word for Homer (plus, it doesn't really make sense here). You have "also" twice, where you only need one instance.

I like Lisa's "executions" line. The following cutaway scene isn't really necessary, though. It's not bad, but nor does it add much. I think it could go, particularly since there's another cutaway scene immediately after the next line.

a real-life sized cardboard-made guillotine is seen with dummy Skinner’s head is seen severed by the blades
Should be "a life-size cardboard guillotine". Also, you certainly don't need "is seen" after "head".

Homer's flashback is funny.

with very dazed looks
Should be "with a very dazed look".

into Simpsons living room
Should be "the Simpsons living room". You make the same mistake later.

Homer's next line is good, except for some grammar problems.

have all been in same department for me
Should be "in the same department".

Now that I’m thinking of its change, I fear it!
This isn't strictly ungrammatical, but you wouldn't say this in English. "Now that I'm thinking about it changing" sounds better.

LISA
Oh, dad, please… scientists are currently on busy research on car that would absolve combination of hydrogen and oxygen gases for more eco-friendly option of life!
I'd change to "scientists are currently busy on research on cars". And "absolve" makes no sense. Change to "that would use a combination", or "employ" or what have you. Or "run on". And there should be an "a" before "more eco-friendly option".

The scene with Mr. Burns and Smithers is very funny.

gifting your employees with gifts
This is a bit redundant. I'd change it to "giving your employees gifts".

I love the pyramid joke.

You need an "a" or "the" when writing "other screen" or "next screen", etc.

I love how
Spoiler


a hole appears over where Homer is standing
Change to: "a hole appears in the floor where Homer is standing".

I have something that we had discussed about last night
Should be "I have something that we discussed last night". Also, this sentence needs a full stop.

Translation nitpick: while "motor" probably isn't incorrect, English usually uses "engine" when talking about cars. (I'm entitled to tell you this because I've made the same mistake a lot - I'm not a native speaker, either.)

I like Homer's response.

Spelling: it should be "the rising gas prices", not "raising". (Raise is the transitive verb; rise is intransitive.)

HOMER
Well, if it wasn’t possible, you wouldn’t be saying ‘if’ either!
Nice line! I also laughed at the following joke.

with a pencil perched on her ear
I think "stuck behind her ear" is better.

As far as I know, you don't use "equations" about chemistry. Say "formulas" instead.

but shouldn’t the numbers be in the equations?
I think you mean that Homer says "Shouldn't the equations be made out of numbers?".

Again, I don't think Homer would use a word like "substitute". I'd change to: "Or are they teaching letters instead of numbers these days?"

HOMER
(Alarmed) Ugh, alright!  But remember… don’t love chemistry too much, because—love will tear you apart.
Another great line.

Well, apart from the language problem, I really like this so far. You have plenty of brilliant jokes, both visual and dialogue-based, and the plot is fairly original (in my experience, at least). There's a nice bait-and-switch with Charlie. The plot generally interests me (I'm not really as interested in the chemistry camp plot as in the car engine plot, but there's so little of it so far, I'll have to see what you do with it).

Everyone is in character so far. Particularly Homer, Lisa, and Burns and Smithers stand out. Lisa annoyed me a bit at first, in her environmentalist mode, but that's because that seems to be overused in both fanfic and the show itself these days. I got a lot happier with her when she started designing the engine, though; I like plots where Lisa gets to be smart and invent things. Her and Homer's interaction is great.

Looking forward to more! This could be a pretty great script. Just take the language nitpicks to heart.
Last edited by Anonymous on Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
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But a bad friend;
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Over and over;
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Dewey Finn
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Re: Help for my script... "Motorwrath"

Postby Dewey Finn » Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:16 am

Thanks Spy in Mancunia for spending your time modifying the faults!  Yes, I edited my post along with your corrections...

I'm right now working on Act 2.  I may be able to post it in... next weekend or so because I'm a student during weekdays.  Anyway, I know how the story should be set for Act 2; it's just matter of how I should pace the story. 
"My Homer Is Not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!"
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