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(WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (3/3)

Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 8:11 am
by missy_misery
Yeah, don't ask how my brain works :p

Summary: Fry and Leela become caught in the crossfire when they cross paths with a certain head-in-a-jar.  WARNING: slightly-stronger than usual violence and mild language.  It is about a PG-13

If you need a refresher course on the plot of the Evil Dead Trilogy, check out Deadites.net, or the films' IMDB or Wikipedia entries.

Re: (WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (1/3) (PG-13

Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 10:05 am
by c_nordlander
Yay, another fic! I don't know anything about "Army of Darkness" except that it's about the undead, but I'll give it a shot.

I really like the title.

Very good opening; starts just at the right moment to make us wonder what happened before. It comes off as very slightly dryly written though, but I can't pinpoint why. Maybe it's just me.

Both Fry and Leela are in-character from scratch, particularly Fry.

“Fry, don’t be immature!” Leela scoffed.
Good line, but I think "scoffed" is a bit redundant, since it's amply clear from her dialogue. Just "said" (or perhaps "shouted", which might be more likely under the circumstances) will be sufficient.

Typo: there's an out-of-place colon in Ash's first line.

OK, this is the first time I've come across a Futurama crossover where the character from the other fandom is a head in a jar. If only more crossover fics would use that, because it actually makes sense.

“Why should we trust you?  You’re nothing but a head in a jar!”
Nice line!

You probably should point out that the head has a rifle before he uses it, because the mention of "his rifle" seems to assume that the reader knows that. "without so much as chipping a bicuspid" is hilarious.

Typo: "roughish" should be "roguish". Hilarious line, though.

“Deadites?” Ash wondered.
Evidently a typo.

“S’what I call them.  Not that they answer to anything.”
Another good one.

Well, too early to say much about the plot, but you have a good opening, and I always relish a good zombie story. Ash already has plenty of personality, despite me not having watched his films, which is a good sign. Characterisation is great, you have some witty lines, and the writing style is predictably good.

Re: (WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (1/3) (PG-13

Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 10:00 pm
by missy_misery
Wilde Gray Yonder wrote:Yay, another fic! I don't know anything about "Army of Darkness" except that it's about the undead, but I'll give it a shot.


I still wholeheartedly rec this series (well, at least Army of Darkness), Chris.

RE Dryly written - maybe a bit too tech and not enough emotion?  I was worried about that aspect.

I really couldn't resist making Ash a head-in-a-jar.  Because with his luck, that's exactly what would happen.

Thanks so much, Chris!  Will punch up those typos, get out a second draft and start second chapter soon!

Re: (WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (2/3) (PG-13

Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 11:27 am
by missy_misery
And here's the second part!

Re: (WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (2/3) (PG-13

Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 9:03 pm
by c_nordlander
I'm glad to get a continuation of this!

Just a little nitpick about the information at the start: I don't care much about this kind of thing, but I think "insinuated Fry/Leela" is wrong. I mean, you refer to them as boyfriend and girlfriend a couple of times. That's about as explicit as it gets. You'll probably want to change that for the finalised version.

A bit opaque if you haven't seen the "Evil Dead" films, but not insurmountably so.

The writing is still good, clear and succinct. Nothing but praise there.

Leela flung herself around, finger on the trigger, eyes on the snarling form
I think that typo speaks for itself.  :)

prying loose the air duct covering.
It's a nice description, but "prying loose" doesn't really flow for me. I'd change to something like "prying away at the air duct covering", since to "pry something loose" is a very definite, brief action, and what the thing is doing seems to take longer than that.

Typo: "one of the creatures wings" is missing an apostrophe.

This disrupted its flight pattern with an outraged screech.
Another great description, but "with an outraged screech" should refer to the subject. Maybe expand to something like "This disrupted its flight pattern, and it swooped with an outraged screech".

“GET DOWN FRY!” She called,
"she" shouldn't be capitalised.

You capitalise "jar" at one point. Kind of funny, but I've no idea whether it's intentional.

have any more trick in that fancy little belt,
Should that be "tricks"?

he smirked lazily
"Lazily" can probably go. Or not, it's not that bad.

“but that doesn’t matter now.  What does matter is getting out of this store in one piece.”
That's a bit of a cliché line, though I guess cliché is more permissible in dialogue.

She looked him dead in the eyes.
Stealth joke! I love her following line, too.

That was when Fry suddenly distracted them both by gasping
This can definitely be slimmed down. "That was when Fry distracted them both by gasping", or even "Fry distracted them both by gasping" would be preferable.

advancing menacingly on Leela…
OK, "menacingly" can definitely go. We don't think it wants a hug.

A bit of a too cheesy cliffhanger, but then, I don't know whether you'll keep the chapter divisions in the finished fic.

Not a lot to say about this bit. It's still just an action scene, but it's all well written, with nice interactions between the cast. While the cliffhanger may be a bit over-the-top, I obviously want to know what happens next.

Re: (WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (2/3) (PG-13

Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 8:19 pm
by missy_misery
Chris,

As always, thanks so much for your feedback - it's beyond treasured. 

Good catch on the disclaimer - I think the intent on my usage of the Fry/Leela pairing's changed a little bit.  I'll fix up in final draft and in the ensuing chapter.

A lot of the over-the-topness of the dialouge and the situation itself is rather intentional, I assure you - it's the mileau of the Evil Dead franchise.  And nope, it's all going to be a single story once I'm finished, versus individual chapters.

So glad you're looking forward to more - I should have some final version set within the month.

Re: (WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (3/3)

Posted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 10:57 am
by missy_misery
And here's the final chapter!  Will edit #1-3 and have the final product out by December!

Re: (WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (3/3)

Posted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:14 am
by c_nordlander
Yay! First of all, congratulations to finishing this!

Ash swore as he stared at the menacing beast.
I can't help but feel that you're doing a bit too much telling instead of showing here. Maybe the word "menacing" should go. I like Leela not needing his instructions, though.

I can't help but feel that "a flash of inspiration struck Leela" is a bit trite. Not much, though, and I don't have any suggestions as to what to replace it with, if it needs replacing. Not sure.

Fry groaned.  “But Leela, your depth perception…”
Excellent.

“Just trust me!!” Leela called.
You probably don't need two exclamation marks. Also, this is an incredibly minor nitpick, but you could probably remove "Leela called", since it's easy to figure out she's the one talking.

Nice action on Leela's part.

Nice, succinct description of the thing chasing them.

She ran thoughtlessly
I'm not sure whether "thoughtlessly" is the right word here. Maybe "unthinkingly" is better, but that's up to you.

You should probably point out that Leela is leaning on the door to hold it shut against the monster. It's not really made clear.

Grammar issue: "had began" should be "had begun".

Good ending.

I'll save more general comments for when you put this up as a finished story, but what you have here is good, if perhaps a bit lightweight. I've had some nitpicks, but as far as I'm concerned, it won't need a lot of work other than correcting those. Fry and Leela are very much in character, the story is clear and enjoyable even to a non-"Army of Darkness" fan, and there are nice action scenes. Having the crossover character as a head in a jar is something I see far too little of in Futurama crossovers. Perhaps not my kind of genre, but good nonetheless.

Re: (WIP) "Clean-Up on Aisle One" (Army of Darkness/Futurama Crossover) (3/3)

Posted: Sun Nov 15, 2009 10:37 pm
by missy_misery
@Chris - *nods* I'm worried that it's a little bit of a light trifle (my mind seems to be occupied by them recently for some reason), and really sort of an excuse to play with fandom tropes.  Thank you SO much for tech beta - will fix in final edit, which I should get around to posting next week. 

I think it'll be compressed into a single fic when I release it in the final edit, too, which should streamline the reading process.