OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

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That Norlandon thing gave me an idea...

Post by IDPStan » Thu May 16, 2002 5:46 pm

And here it is! Check it! ;)
Why is it always mayday to call for help? Why not something like…Shove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday? - Arnold Rimmer

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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by c_nordlander » Fri May 17, 2002 9:27 am

No, *you* have no honour!

*LOL*

Are you trying to kill me with funny maps and stuff?  :) (Oh, and by the way, I'm flattered.)
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by IDPStan » Fri May 17, 2002 11:28 am

Thanks. I just decided to modify the standard Star Trek galactic map from the Daystrom institute tech library [The website not the thing from the series obviously] co's I thought it would be funny. ;D

IT IS A GOOD DAY FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO DIE! :naughty:

I'm just waiting to see if Mel notices that she's on it. :uhdrop:
Why is it always mayday to call for help? Why not something like…Shove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday? - Arnold Rimmer

You have joined the sacred order of The Stonecutters, who since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge of light and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong! - Number One
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by aoifestorm » Fri May 17, 2002 6:38 pm

;D Very funny, Stan.  Given a choice, I don't know which empire I would rather live in, though.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by SirMustapha » Sat May 18, 2002 10:05 pm

Um, erm, uh...

Well, anyways, here it is, the long awaited (pfft) Chapter 9!!

This one is a pretty short one, and it's really scary...

Chapter 10 will need some serious rework, though. So I think it will take a little longer to come out. :-/
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by aoifestorm » Sun May 19, 2002 11:47 pm

:) It was nice to see the return of Danny. Lisa's mystery illness brought the two of them closer together.
I am interested in seeing what happens in Chapter 10.
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by IDPStan » Tue May 21, 2002 5:09 pm

Comments about A Summers Tale part 9.

"The camera wanders around for a bit, until we see a hand rising. It's covered with a green slime. The camera approaches to reveal that the hand belongs to Danny, who's totally naked and covered by green slime. He's very hurt and has just waked up. He looks around and situates himself. He starts to crawl, to reach the house. The camera follows him as he painfully crawls around. He comes out of the hills and reaches the street. The bricks hurt his body."

Heh looks like someone's had an encounter with Slimer from Ghost Busters!

"LISA: (scared) Danny! Is that you?"

Heh that's just because she still wants to believe he's dead, however I knew he isn't. The aliens enjoy torture far too much to kill him.

"She starts to take out her night gown and stays naked."

Awwwww lemon sense tingling! Hmm...

"Danny turns himself upside down."

*wonders how you can turn yourself upside down*

"DANNY: (after a while, gets up) Alright, then... I'm dizzy..."

Eh that's normal operations for Danny.

"LISA: (timid) Uhh, nothing. I just... wanted to see if you're ok.
DANNY: Oh, I see. Well, I... also wanted to see if you were fine, you know."

Heh next thing they'll have some shining thing going on.

"LISA: I can't imagine it..."

Why not? She got tortured by Brylcream...

"DIANA: At least, it's good to know that you're alive."

Yeah ain't that always the way when you find out your friend isn't dead.

"RONALD: Ok. Be back soon, we'll go to the beach this morning!"

Wow! For the first time in the beach 'holiday' they really *go* to the beach!

"CAROL: Nah... nothing special."

Oh no, just the fact her fathers an alien. That makes her half god knows what...[what is their race called again?]

"JEREMY: ...I want to come back here next year..."

Oooo ATS II: Resurrection. No really Jeremy's crazy if he wants to come back after everything.

"DANNY: I can't explain... I feel like I've found my other half with her. She's the friend I wanted to live forever with. I love her more than any person I've ever loved."

Space Coyote: Find your soul mate Danny! No...wait...

"DANNY: That cold-hearted, bastard alien died, didn't he?"

Yeah, and how!

"DANNY: I'm not sure, and Carol isn't, also. It has a very small possibility, but it also might be nothing at all..."

Ah to die or not to die, that is the question. Actually the more I hear this the more it sounds like Save Vs Death in AD&D.[waits for flaming for making that analogy]

"LISA: What if... What if I die?"

Then it's proof that even fate has a sense of humour. Survived the battles, torture and stuff died later.

"CAROL: I'll try... (examines Lisa) We have to take her to a hospital, naturally. (they seem confused) NOW!"

Well thanks for stating the bloody obvious.

"LISA: You shouldn't think like that, honey. Everybody needs to suffer pain to grow stronger..."

Yeah as Friedrich Nietzsche said "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger...". Heh heh.

Well it's very dramatic especially Lisa mystery problem that came to nothing, for a second there I thought she was actually gonna die. It's nice to see Danny's back to, I always assumed he was alive especially after we found out what the aliens where like. I thought Ronald's line about going to the beach was good considering that seems to be the one thing they don't do that you'd expect. I didn't get Danny turning himself upside down, maybe that's just an expression. I all so didn't understand why Lisa said she can't imagine torture, she got tortured enough by Brylcream. Jeremy saying he wants to come back was unintentionally funny, I mean dude! I'd never go back after all this. The interaction between Danny and Lisa was really good too, it could have been really icky but it was handled well. Although I had visions of er…stuff at first. Then there's the dying or nothing thing which put me firmly in mind of my favourite RPG. It's a decent read overall, not as good as part 8 but I guess that was a lot to live up to!
Why is it always mayday to call for help? Why not something like…Shove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday? - Arnold Rimmer

You have joined the sacred order of The Stonecutters, who since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge of light and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong! - Number One
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by c_nordlander » Tue May 21, 2002 7:11 pm

I've read Chapter 9 now. Hmmm... interesting... scary... loaded with plot goodness... Carol is homosexual, then seems to fall in love with Michael? (There's only one explanation for that, but the time for puerile jokes is not now  :) ). Torture... cannibalism... oh well.  I think I may be able to sleep tonight anyway. And Brylcreme, sorry, Brylor sure had it coming. Your English might still use some work, sorry to say this, but "pass away" usually means "snuff it". I haven't really got anything more to nitpick on.

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Brand new tycoon
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by SirMustapha » Wed May 22, 2002 10:31 am

*slaps his English twice*

*only to make sure, slaps it again*

Aw, funky dang, Stan! You made me feel like a lemon writer! Why didn't you remark Danny closed his eyes shut so that he couldn't see Lisa on the bath? :'( I feel so corrupted! :P

Turning upside down... eh... :P *slaps his English again* Ok, he turned his back up, is this better?... Maybe if anyone of you could volunteer to correcting spelling mistakes when all the 10 chapters are fully done, I'd be thankful. *puppy eyes*

*wonders what Snuff It means*

:madgo: :madgo: *slaps his English again* :madgo: :madgo:
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by Marco » Wed May 22, 2002 11:15 am

I'm up to part 4... seems to be getting interesting. Some dialogues are a bit flat, and i don't know about so many new charachters, seem to ba a little chaotic. But i'll get used to that :)
The plot is very good though, and there are some well done parts (especially regarding Lisa (and Malcom's "voice") and Danny).
About that, is Danny some kind of self insertion? It's the second time i hear him shout "funky dang" and it's an exclamation you use very frequently ;D

Ok... off to read...
Marco

Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by Marco » Wed May 22, 2002 1:15 pm

Phew... readed it. :)
Ok, where do i start... there is a lot of stuff in here. And i mean a lot... that's the best part of this "tale". The plot was huge, complicated in points, angsty at the end, and helped by a nice charachterization of the supporting charachters. And i'm still on the edge to see the very end of it... the writing flows good and easy.
But, from chapter 6-7, things get *really* weird... as in the plot, as in the charachters. Sometimes i wondered what the heck was happening.... it seems like you felt the urge to shove in as much angst and weirdness (at least you explained a bit "why" the girl were tortured), and i might say, some excessive sentimentalism you could in there. You did it good anyway, and it was still a nice addendum to the sci-fi plot. But still some parts felt really out of place, or clichèed (one above all, that bit where the guys discuss the "hotness" of the girls while they're being slowly tortured at turns. Ok the hormones but duh..  ::) ).
To make up for that, you put in there some really touching sentimental moments and speeches, especially with Lisa and Danny, and that dream sequence with Lisa and Malcom. Very sweet :)

Uhm... there would be a lot to say about other sides of the fic (did i say it was huge? ;D ), but more or less, it was all enjoyable and flowed nicely. Oh, and i must say i liked more the alien planet plot than the ant attacking bit (like Michael said, that was like playing a RPG :) )... Brylor and Wilf were both greatly charachterized. Especially Brylor, very evil... satisfactory the way Wilf dealt with him though. (disgusting  yeah... but he deserved something like that ;D )

Don't make me  wait for the end. You know how much i care for Lisa, and it seems like she's always the one getting hurt more in these fics...  :'(
Last edited by Marco on Thu Jan 01, 1970 1:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by IDPStan » Wed May 22, 2002 6:19 pm

Aw, funky dang, Stan! You made me feel like a lemon writer! Why didn't you remark Danny closed his eyes shut so that he couldn't see Lisa on the bath?  I feel so corrupted!  
Heh you have to admit it looked dodgey for a while there, and yes I know he closed his eyes. :-/

Danny: I did *not* inhale!
Turning upside down... eh...  *slaps his English again* Ok, he turned his back up, is this better?...
Ok, do you mean turned around or turned over? ???
Why is it always mayday to call for help? Why not something like…Shove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday? - Arnold Rimmer

You have joined the sacred order of The Stonecutters, who since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge of light and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong! - Number One
Marco

Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by Marco » Wed May 22, 2002 6:29 pm

I think he meant Danny turned around. ;D
And yes... that bit is a bit daring, not for content per se, but i doubt Lisa would do something like that (especially if she's still eight... i don't remember if you aged the charachters, though it would be better if you did). It's still a sweet scene, but its another of those "feels out of place" ones that i talked about. :)
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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by c_nordlander » Wed May 22, 2002 8:28 pm

I meant "die", Fernando. Hey, don't feel bad about it! I said it was my *only* nitpick. And besides, my English is hardly perfect, so I'm not the one to talk.

Anyway... the story makes up for it more than enough. Why would you want to cook a tandoori chicken when you can bend a mind like Brylor?  :)
Pretty little baby
Pretty little monster
Went to the good school
Left with honours
Brand new tycoon
Sitting with a harpoon


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Re: OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale (more chapters)

Post by SirMustapha » Thu May 23, 2002 11:35 am

*crouches down to collect the shatters of his self-pride*

Nah, forget it. All your comments were nothing but damn helpful. I doubt I'd get all the help I'm getting from you in any other place around. As soon as I finish chapter 10, I'll be on for the final(?) rewrite, and your comments will only make it better. And as soon as all the rewrites are done, you must absolutelly forget about the existance of these drafts. *readies his memory eraser* :)

Edit: Ah, by the way, I'm sorry but it seems chapter 10 will take a bit long to come out. I did a total and complete mess in the first draft, and I'm remaking it completely. But don't worry, Marco, I also share your feelings for Lisa, and things will change soon... *mistery*
Last edited by SirMustapha on Thu Jan 01, 1970 1:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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