OPINIONS - A Summer's Tale 4 and 5

[SirMustapha]

Yay! It's there! Chapters 4 and 5 are done. I should point that chapter 5 is when the real fun begins. So, I believe I'm making a progress here. The rest of the chapters might be ready in a few weeks. I had to severely rework chapter 9, and I still have lots of stuff to change on the 10th. But, let's go slowly. For now, take a look at these two and tell me what you think.

The fifth is here...

[Craig_Fotheringham]

I'll read it when I get a chance, Fernando.

[SirMustapha]

*waits impatiently*

[aoifestorm]

Chapter 5  had lots of action. I think it is the best part of the story that I've read so far.  I hope Lisa can save Malcolm's soul.  I will get to Chapter 6 soon.  What happened to Chapter 4 though?

[SirMustapha]

Goddamn, I'm an idiot! A complete, total idiot!! I can't believe it! I was supposed to post chapters 4 and 5, but I posted 5 and 6!! And chapter 6 isn't even done!

(trying to catch his breath) Okay... okay... let me calm down... Let's do the following. Ignore the chapter 6. Totally ignore the chapter 6. This afternoon, I'll try to get chapter 4 instead of 6. I can, can't I? If I edit the post, it'll be there, won't it? Ok, then. This afternoon, chapter 4 shall be there. Until then, resist your temptation and do not read chapter 6, because it sucks. I still need to edit it before letting it there. Sorry for my complete dumbness... I hope this won't happen again.

[aoifestorm]

Don't worry about it Fernando, there's no need to stress.
I would like to read Chapter 4, so I'm glad it's going to be up soon.

[Craig_Fotheringham]

'Kay, I read it...

It's as good as the others, thats for sure. Good luck, Lisa.

VOICE OF REASON: Craig, she's animated...
CRAIG: Oh, go bother Stan again.

[SirMustapha]

Ok, now, here is is, chapter 4. Sorry about the "this afternoon" on the last post, but I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to enter the Internet at home on a weekday. So, I'm posting it right now from the computer at my computer course!

[aoifestorm]

Chapter 4 was good, with a fair amount of action going on.  I think it's neat that Danny is the only one who can hear Malcolm's voice.  I'm glad Carol was knew there was something wrong and went to save Michael and Lisa in the ants' lair.  The party scene was good as well, with much interaction between all of the kids.
I'm looking forward to Chapter 6.  :)

[IDPStan]

Comments about a Summers tale parts 5&6.(I guess you could ingore the stuff about 6 if you want)

"Nobody is on the street, until Michael, Bart, Danny, Jeremy, Diana, Lisa, Debbie and Carol come out of the house. They are prepared for the invasion, with backpacks filled with handy items. They walk in the direction of the hill."

Invasion? Clippy: Heh it looks like your mounting an invasion!

"JEREMY: Argh! What now?
MICAHEL: Spray bottles!"

This is the way we spray the ants spray the ants spray the ants...heheeheheheh.

"CAROL: No _not_ try to kill them all! Let's just open our way to flee!
MICHAEL: Jeremy! Danny! Protect our back!"

A valiant rear guard action! Heh.

"CAROL: This attack was totally out of my plans. I really wasn't expecting it. is everyone ok?"

Well it *is* an invasion so you should expect that they'd attack you.

"CAROL: There is, somewhere in this base, a machine that receives the signals from outer space. These signals control the whole base and the ants. We must find it and destroy the machine."

Oooo how X-Files. Did anyone bring a crowbar or some TNT?

"CAROL: Don't worry. It won't affect you at the least. You don't use the energy I'm using, so it won't be trouble."

She must be using the Chi. Hehehehehehe.

"LISA: It's probably some kind of ant farm..."

Arrrrggg we be farming ants, don't get many strangers round 'ear...[Note: It's ok I do know what an ant farm is I just wanted to say that]

"DIANA: (in terror) Oh, my God! We're doomed!"

Damned right, lets take as many down with us as we can. IT IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE! Well not by ants but what ya gonna do?

"Carol uses the hose to kill the ants, releasing a huge load of water over them. Slowly, the ants are killed, until the attack stops."

Yay go psychic person! Swamp dem ants.

"MICHAEL: Uhh... is it safe?"

Yes lets all split up then we'll be more vulnerable...

""(LISA: But, why is it made for humans?) That's the point. There are thousands of people that are allied to the ants. They will live here for a long time. (LISA: Who would be crazy enough to be allied to those evil ants?) You know that there are greedy people that would do anything for power and money. The aliens promised those people a lot of it, if they collaborate with them. And believe me, there are lots of them. The doctors that tried to "cure" me when I was sick, for example. That "incurable" disease I was suffering from was ant poison. They didn't tell to don't reveal their plan.""

Heh there’s bound to be traitors. Burn em I say. Burn them!!

"Lisa opens the door. She leaves and sees several people running away. Milhouse approaches her."

Ok the souls have been set free but where on earth has Bart go to?

"DANNY: Oi, nutter! There are no damn monsters there!
DEBBIE: How do you know?"

Their all busy making Monster Inc.

"DEBBIE: "Medical Center"! This must be the place we were looking for!"

Nah it's an elaborate ruse and this is really the toilets.

"Danny takes the bottle and reads the instructions carefully."

Like do not drive after using, maybe impair you ability to kill ants...

"MICHAEL: (angered) Ah, Lisa, huh? I see...
CAROL: Michael... don't you dare to hurt her!
MICAHEL: (dark) Sure..."

Heh infighting, well it was only a matter of time I suppose...

"MICHAEL: You almost KILLED me and Jeremy!"

Heh a plan with no drawbacks then. Natch.

"MICHAEL: (sarcastic) No, Bin Laden did it! (mad) YOU DID!"

Heh nice Osama ref. Bin Laden: Ooo noo noo please for once I was not to blame! I've got enough on my plate dodging bombs and special forces thank you!

"MICHAEL: That's craziness! My God! Sorry, Lisa! I was an idiot! You made an excellent thing!"

Matter of opinion, some of them might have deserved to be imprisoned after all.

"JEREMY: These flies are way too smart."

Thats because their the l33t spy fly’s.

"The group agrees. Carol walks near an output device and looks firmly at it. After a few seconds, her eyes seem to lose focus, and she seems to be out of her mind."

Heh we *know* she’s out of her mind...no wait I think I know what you mean.

"MICHAEL: Does it have Windows 2000?
CAROL: (chuckling) No."

Ah yes Windblows 2000, 2000 being the number of times a week it crashes.

[IDPStan]

(Second part)

"CAROL: You'll have to wait a bit. I can't go away if I'm not logged off, or else I can die. Remember "The Matrix," body can't survive without mind."

Arrrgggg the Matrix! Kill!

"CAROL: Michael, destroy the device! Destroy it! I'll fall down fainted. Carry me away, that I'll come back."

Oh that makes sense, you can't just disconnect but smashing the device is ok.

"DANNY: (annoyed) Heh... This did NOT commove me, you know."

Say what? I don't understand.

"CAROL: Worse... the cell is getting hotter...
LISA: How much...?
CAROL: (scared) ...around... 120ºF."

Hmm...120 Fahrenheit er...is that hot?

"CAROL: It worked! IT WORKED!"

Yay! The good news is the doors are open the bad news is the self destructs been activated...hehehehehe.

"BART: Yes, I couldn't see well, but, the wall seemed to... come and surround me. Then, it pulled me to somewhere. Then, I fell in that cell."

Yikes even the walls are dangerous.

"CAROL: That's a kind of potion. We have to drink it if we want to go on."

I hope it's not a potion of firebreath or something...

"CAROL: Oh, damn! I should have known! Bart, who was feeling hot, now is normal! Lisa, who was normal... now is feeling cold!"

Wow great deduction Sherlock.

"DANNY: (silence) Uhh... did you already imagine if... when we're awake, we were dreaming and... what we think is dream was... real life?"

Grrrrr Matrixy again, urge to kill rising...

"He stands up and looks back. There's a whole legion of ants heading where they are."

Wow these critters keep coming back for more.

"JEREMY: It could be "The F Files".
LISA: What would the 'F' mean?"

Yeah the F*8ked up Files...heh don't give em any ideas!

"CAROL: Now, this is very tricky, guys. This room is really dangerous. So, you have to step _exactly_ where I do. Do you understand?"

Oooo it's one of *those* things. I bet one of em steps on a trigger.

"DIANA: (resigned) It's all my fault. I made this all up. I killed Danny!"

Well it is your fault but I don't know why they think he's dead...Bart disappeared and he didn't die. Oh and didn't I say
one of em would step on a trigger?

"LISA: You killed him! Now, _I'm_ gonna kill _you_!"

LOL Oooo catfight! I guess even Lisa can loose it sometimes.

"Bart starts punching Jeremy's face. The group again tries to get Bart away from Jeremy, but Bart is unstoppable. He punches Jeremy until his face starts to bleed. Michael, then, furiously grabs Bart by his neck. Bart starts to suffocate and drops Jeremy. Michael drops Bart, who falls unconscious on the ground."

Yay! Lets all have a big pointless fight! RANAGAROK!

"CAROL: I'm a virus that entered your friend's mind!"

A virus in your head, hmm I wonder if it's gonna delete all her memories...

"The virus slumps his hand at Michael's head. But, he misses, because Michael rolls away before the virus hit him. The hand slumps at the floor. Michael grabs the virus's back. Michael slumps his hand at a part of the virus's back. After some punches, the virus fades away. Michael falls down."

Yay! Mike anti virus!

"The group gets near the door again. They get the spray bottles and use them on the ants again. The battle longs for some seconds until Carol screams "Ok, destroy the machine, fast!". They come in the machine and start to bash it down. Carol joins them. The ants start to walk confusedly until the machine is totally destroyed. When it happens, the ants start to walk aimlessly."

Ah well I guess that’s the last we'll be hearing from the ants, unless they do a picnic or something...

"DIANA: But, what about Danny? What if Ronald asks about him? What will we say?"

Casualties of war?

"MICHAEL: Anyway, with necklace or no necklace, wouldn't it be way TOO MUCH coincidence if a ship landed here and, as a matter of fact, Carol got "lost in the beach" at the same day?"

Yeah, looks like they've lost another one. Oh dear.

Well it's certainly heated up anyway, I liked all the adventures in the complex and how they had to contend with ants and walls that grab you and stuff. The bits where they where trying to keep the group together even though they have no leader where good, anything else would have been unrealistic. Pity they've lost Danny and scrod only knows where Carol's gone, I have a funny feeling one of em at least might be back though. I liked the bit with Mike and the virus too. Not to thrilled with the Matrixy bits but that’s probably just me. The Bin Laden thing was sort of funny too although maybe a little bit topical. Of course they may have severed the alien link but at a heavy cost, I guess they go looking for Danny and Carol in the next bits. Not a bad effort all round, it's ok not brilliant.

[IDPStan]

Comments about A Summers tale part 4.

"MALCOM: You know Danny heard a 'boy' singing with you in the bathroom, don't you?
LISA: Sure!
MALCOM: (chuckles) It was me!"

Finnally that explains it, no need to call Skuddy and Mouldy then.

"DANNY: (upset) Wha? Oi! What an inconvenient question, Jeremy!..."

Heh heh that's putting it mildly.

"LISA: Uh-huh. But, we have to make sure that we have coffee."

Huh, why do they need coffee? Oh wait it's the rock innit.

"The next channel is TV España, that's airing a bullfight. The detail here is that the bull is furiously chasing the bullfighter, who flees in despair."

I wonder if this means they kill the bullfighter if the bull wins...hmm...

"JEREMY: Maybe he ate something spoiled... like a kobold corpse."

Mmmm tastes like halfling...*munch munch*

"MICHAEL: (not understanding) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!... I didn't get anything!"

You and me both pal. Heh when can we break out the flamers?

"Michael does so. As the coffee touches the rock, it immediately breaks a hole in it, releasing a whole load of white smoke. Michael stops pouring coffee when the hole is big enough, revealing that the rock is thinner than paper. Michael and Lisa crawl down and examine the rock."

Hmm...reminds me of the Navy coffee from Elite II...

"MICHAEL: Why do these stupid ants need to make such a ridiculous elevator? I barely fit here!"

Well can you imagine ants trying to do the stares?

"MICHAEL: Argh, I can't stand this... It's hot and small!"

Like an office cubeicle in summer.

"Lisa and Michael run to the huge hoses and get them. As soon as the ants enter the room, Michael and Lisa turn the faucets on, releasing a huge blast of water over them. Lisa can barely hold her hose. The water stuns and kills the ants as they enter. In a few time, the place has water everywhere, and the ants' corpses float around"

Yay! Take that evil space ants, and this is just reconasance.

"Carol's effort finishes, and she starts breathing heavily."

The hell was that turn insects?

"CAROL: Nobody is getting here alone again. When time is right, we'll call everyone, and we'll finish this deal once for all. Until then, you keep your mouths closed, alright? This is just our secret."

Yes we will be back with re-enforcements, we will fight another time!! Hahaahahahahahaha! Ahem.

"The doors are opened, and the three come out."

I'm not even going to ask how they got 3 people in there.

"MICHAEL: Yeah. But, that place is way too dangerous to only 2 or 3 boys..."

Yeah we need 'da posse' armed with spraycans. Ph33r the posse ants.

"BART: Yeah. Everybody knows that you can die, lose your arms, suffer to death..."

How's an ant gonna make you loose your arms? No wait on second thoughts don't answear that.

"MICHAEL: And, from now on, you'll be mine, only mine!"

Aahhhha! Thats what you think matey. Wait till you see what happens later...

"They start to play some music, but I'm too lazy to think of one right now."

I just thought of a funny recommendation but it wouldn't quite fit with the mood of the occasion.[To put it mildly]

"LISA: I don't know how to play!"

It's arcade games, how hard can it be?

"Michael, secretly, pulls 20 dollars and gives to Bart. Michael laments and sits next to Carol. As Danny passes through Carol, she lightly pulls him close to her. She whispers something to him again. He nods and sits next to Lisa. They sit down and the van leaves."

*wonders what it is Carol keeps whispering to Danny* Hmm...intresting.

Well that kinda of filled in the gaps that had been missing after reading the other parts. I liked the part about the Kobold corpse, Bart had a funny exagerated line about death and the bit about Malcom finally explains what was going on before. As before it was ok, not great but ok.

[SirMustapha]

Heheh... 120°F... I'm pretty bad at Celsius/Farenheit conversion, you know. I imagined 50°C, but I really had no clue on how it would be on Farenheit. So... Let's make it hotter!!

The elevator bit? Well, you should notice that when Carol was leading Lisa and Michael back to the surface, she got them into a much bigger one. So... I guess 3 people can fit there. :-/

Anyway, I'm glad to receive your comments again, Stan. I'm still up for one other rewrite as soon as the 10 chapters are available. Like I said, I'm really up for making this one as best as I can, so... Let's see how it ends.