


Chapter 5 has not been finallised yet.
Oh and 'Firstarter' is the Steven King novel, that I stole some of the plot from.
word count: 18,878
This would flow better if you changed it to "filling her nostrils"."Lisa awoke to the terrifying sight of flames swirling all around her, the stench of burning fabric filled her nostrils, choking her."
There's no reason for this to be two sentences.She kept running, out the door and into the arms of a very surprised fireman, who promptly wrapped her in a fire-proof blanket. Extinguishing the flames.
That's a bit of a worn metaphor.it felt as though her whole body had turned to jelly.
This really needs another comma after "doubt". Also, the sentence gets a bit long and comma-heavy, so you might want to think about splitting it up.leaning on another fireman, who no doubt moments ago, had prevented her from running back into the burning building.
Needs a comma after the dialogue, and also a full stop at the end of the sentence."Well, I guess sometimes people get lucky" shrugged another
Needs a comma after the first bit of dialogue, and another before the next bit."Look, I've seen lucky and this ain't it, this is a strait-up miracle" he shot back "hell, not even her hair is singed – how do you explain that?"
OK, this dialogue should have a comma, not a full stop, since it's followed by a dialogue tag."A whole flock of angels must be looking out for her." said the second, only half joking.
You could split this into two sentences at the first comma.Marge stepped up into the ambulance and sat down beside her, Lisa sat up and hugged her, oxygen mask dangling around her neck.
Again, needs a comma after the dialogue.Oh, keep that on sweetie" said Marge,
. Needs a full stop after "paramedic".replied the paramedic "As far as we can tell,
Good job on the comma after the dialogue this time; that's exactly how it's supposed to look. Still, it's missing a comma after "Lisa"."Oh, thank god," she said to Lisa "I thought I'd lost you."
Pretty great sentence, this. Made me snicker.The house that had seen them through two hurricanes, a nuclear apocalypse, floods, fires and countless zombie attacks was little more than a blackened husk.
Needs a comma after "chief"."Well, we're about done here," said the fire chief "from the looks of things the fire started near the centre of your daughter's bedroom."
Needs a full stop after "Marge"."Lisa!" exclaimed Marge "How many times have I told you not to use candles in your bedroom?"
Needs a full stop after "sobbed"."I'm sorry!" she sobbed "I'm so sorry, I don't know –"
Needs a comma after "consoled"."Oh honey, it's alright," he consoled "accidents happen.
Good sentence! Might be better with a semi-colon instead of the comma, but that's just my two cents.Lisa's eyes widened in fear as she spotted her leaning against a locker, Francine's narrowed.
Again, needs a comma, and "asked" doesn't seem suitable, because it only turns into a question after that bit."Hey nerd" asked Francine menacingly
Needs either a comma or an exclamation mark. (The latter would probably be better.)"Shut up, shut up, shut up" she wimpered
Needs a comma after "teacher". Funny line otherwise."What did you say?" asked Francine, imitating a posh teacher "such language cannot be tolerated, I'm going to have to throw the book at you!"
This should probably be split up into two sentences at the first comma.And she did just that, selecting a particularly heavy history textbook, she hurled it right at Lisa's face.
Once more, I'd put in a full stop after "surprise". On a less technical note, I like this bit.Lisa blinked in surprise, her headache had subsided somewhat,
A bit of a clichéd and silly description, considering that what's going on is dramatic.The bullies were more than surprised, their eyes practically bugged out of their sockets.
OK, you shouldn't use "utter destruction" and "utterly destroyed in the same sentence. On a technical note, this would need a semi-colon rather than a comma, and the last sentence should be merged with the previous one - it's just a sentence fragment as it is now. I'm undecided on "meters/yards"; it's funny as a joke, but if it wasn't meant as a joke, then choose one. Your readers are smart; they'll look it up on Google if they don't know how long it is.she surveyed the utter destruction, everything within 20 meters/yards of her was utterly destroyed. In a circular pattern radiating out from where she now sat.
This bit feels a bit clichéd. I don't have any suggestions for how to improve it, but the last sentence could probably go. (Just my opinion; you might want to see what other people say.)How could she explain this? She couldn't, no-one could. It was utterly inexplicable. Yet somehow it had happened.
Needs a comma after "corner".Principle Skinner and a group of teachers came running around the corner fire extinguishers in hand, to find only Lisa.
Needs a comma after "shell-shocked", and there's a space after the following quotation mark that shouldn't be there. (However, it's a pretty funny line. In fact, this whole dialogue is good, with a funny last line.)"Uhhh…" said Lisa, shell-shocked " well I did, I guess."
Needs a full stop at the end."You set fire to the school?" he asked incredulous
Needs a comma after the first bit of dialogue, and a full stop after "it"."Uh, yeah" said Lisa, looking around, still not quite believing it "I guess I did…"
Needs a full stop after "Skinner"."Um, well…" said Skinner "Detention?"
The second sentence would be better merged with the previous one; it can't stand on its own. (And personally, I'd suggest you cut it, as it's a pretty clichéd metaphor, but it's up to you.)This time however they all gave her a wide berth. As if she were a bomb that could go off at any time.
I'd split this into two sentences at the first comma.They were clad head to toe in matte black body armour, they wore full face helmets with gold tinted visors, ultra-bright headlamps, and integrated gas masks.
That should be a comma at the end of the dialogue, not a full stop."Lisa Simpson. You're coming with us." one of them said,
Should have a full stop after "Lisa", and "what's" should be capitalised."Am I under arrest?" asked Lisa "what's the charge?"
Both of these lines need a comma after the dialogue tag."If you resist," continued the voice "you will be taken by force."
"Hey, I'm talking to you!" yelled Lisa "who the hell are you?"
. OK, needs a comma after the first bit of dialogue, as well as after "commandos", and a full stop at the end of the dialogue tag."Don't bother" said one of the commandos female this time "Those cuffs are carbon nano-tube re-enforced tungsten carbide, you could drop them into a volcano."
You need a full stop after "Lisa"."You can't do this!" yelled Lisa "You can't just arrest someone without charge! It's unconstitutional!"
That should be a comma after the dialogue, since it's followed by a "he said"-tag. Also, you need a full stop after "commando"."Actually according to the Patriot Act, we can arrest anyone for no reason whatsoever." said the first commando
Needs a comma after the first bit of dialogue, and after "calmly"."The suits are flameproof" said the flaming commando calmly "further resistance will result in force, you have three seconds to comply."
"Taze" doesn't need a capital T. Also, both these lines need a full stop at the end."Hey! You can't Taze an eight year old!" cried Lisa
"Patriot Act" said the commando as he fired
There's only so many times you can hear that before it goes to your head.Only so much I can say about that beyond, brilliant, truly brilliant
Needs a comma after "patches", and "from 2-6" is a bit incorrect (it should be either "from two to six" or "between two and six" in this context; also, you don't need the spaces around the hyphen).On their shoulders they carried similar patches though these had numbers from 2 - 6 on them.
The last "moving" should be changed to "moved".The limo immediately started moving and the other vehicles moving to escort it.
Needs some punctuation at the end of the dialogue tag, and at the end of the line. Also, "Man" shouldn't be capitalised."Hello Lisa," said the Man "I'm director Allen"
Needs a full stop at the end.she felt as though the air was syrup
Needs a comma after "answered"."We're the Paranormal Security Agency," he answered "we're responsible for protecting the United States against supernatural threats."
Needs a full stop after "said"."You mean, there are others?" she said "Like me?"
The dialogue should end with a comma rather than a full stop, and you should have a full stop at the end of the sentence."Well, no actually." he replied
Needs a fulls top after "asked"."What, you mean no …er fire controllers?" she asked
The first bit of dialogue should end in a comma rather than a full stop, and you should have a full stop after "Allen"."We call it pyrokinesis." said Allen "But no, you're the first paranormal we've ever seen."
Needs a full stop after "exclaimed"."That makes no sense!" she exclaimed
Needs a comma after "sarcastically"."Lucky me" said Lisa sarcastically "so what's with the crossbows?"
Needs a comma after the dialogue and a full stop at the end."They're to fend off vampires" said the director
Needs a full stop at the end."But vampires aren't real!" protested Lisa
The dialogue should end with a comma instead of a full stop, and you need a full stop at the end. (Also, if I were you, I'd cut "sarcastically": the line is funny enough on its own; we can figure out that he wasn't being sincere.)"Oh great, a lesson in what's real from the little girl who can start fires with her mind." replied the director sarcastically
Needs a comma after "Lisa"."Hey, I may be pyrokinetic, and a girl," said Lisa
The dialogue should end with a comma rather than a full stop, and you need a full stop after "said"."An update to your school record flagged in one of our surveillance servers." he said "It's our job you know."
Needs a full stop at the end."Those are supposed to be confidential, that's illegal!" she yelled
Needs a full stop after "began"."Not according to the Patriot Ac-" he began
The whole bit after "asked" would be best as a new sentence, and you need a full stop at the end (before the rest of the dialogue)."You mean 'Patriot'?" he asked, in answer his handkerchief burned into ash, shocking him, but leaving his hand unharmed, "You are being held for study by the PSA
"She" shouldn't be capitalised (since it follows her thought, it functions as a dialogue tag here).Knockout gas! She realised.
Needs a comma after "away"."Jesus, she's barely breathing," he gasped, his voice sounding soft and far away
Needs a comma after "voice"."…een what she can do," said a female voice "…e couldn't take any chances."
The dialogue should end with a comma rather than a full stop, and you need a full stop after "male"."Wait I think she's coming out of it." said the male
Needs a comma after "military"."Damnit, knock her out again," ordered the female, Lisa thought she might be military "we're not equipped for this."
Needs a full stop after "doctor" (which doesn't need to be capitalised)."She's a child – we can't just keep drugging her whenever we feel like it!" said the Doctor "She's barely recovered fro-"
Needs a full stop after "moaned"."n-noo" Lisa moaned
Needs a full stop after "female"."She's waking up!" yelled the female
Needs to be capitalised."w-what?"
"She" shouldn't be capitalised.What was the point? She wondered to herself
Again, "she" shouldn't be capitalised.Could he be trusted? She wondered
Very nice line!Once it was in, the trouble wasn't so much that it hurt as much as it was the idea of having a piece of metal sliding around beneath her skin.
Excellent line! Manages to lighten the mood a bit without being inappropriate.no, not the aliens, the other ones."