OPINIONS/WIP/ Collision Course (Fry/Leela)

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OPINIONS/WIP/ Collision Course (Fry/Leela)

Post by Red_Line » Tue Jan 10, 2012 2:59 am

Title: Collision Course

Genre: Futurama

Rating: G

Synopsis: This is based on the end of Overclockwise where Fry and Leela slap each other while reading about their future. I got to wondering what caused that? And what might they do with that information?
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Re: OPINIONS/WIP/ Collision Course (Fry/Leela)

Post by missy_misery » Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:51 am

I liked a great deal of what you've got going on here, R_L, especially the Bender and Leela interaction, and Leela's general mischievousness in her relationship with Fry.

My only caveats are:

* Bender's voice sounds a tad sophisticated to my ear. I feel like there should be more of a scuzzy barroom ring to your word choices. He doesn't feel flat, he just doesn't quite feel properly nasty.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: OPINIONS/WIP/ Collision Course (Fry/Leela)

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:37 pm

My comments on the story so far. This may seem a bit nitpicky, but bear in mind that if I haven't commented on something, that means I thought it was good. Either way, this is a good story.

This is certainly well-written. Of course, that's to be expected from your stories by now.

The first scene feels a bit dialogue-heavy. Not enough for it to be a bad thing, and it evens out in later scenes.

Fry and Leela are both very much in character.

The cellphones seem a bit low-tech for Futurama. Nothing really wrong with it, just an observation.
"Ok." Fry replied
Since the dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag, it should have a comma, not a full stop.
"Ok." she sighed
Same here.

You should probably write "twenty-two minutes" instead of "22 minutes", etc.

You seem to have an odd typo where there's a space before an ellipsis. That might be a formatting problem, though.

I like how both Fry and Leela do their best to follow the relationship advice, without being perfect.

"something else that she was anal ... that was important to her ..." Hilarious, and very Fryish.

The scene in the shower is hilarious.
"I heard you coming." she smirked
"N..N..No thanks." Fry squeaked
"I GET it, already." Fry said,
All these should have a comma instead of a full stop.

Fry's and Leela's little argument outside the building feels nicely realistic.

Bender's line about the Mayor passing out made me laugh out loud.
"I don't blame them." Leela thought

"I can't remember." Bender replied,
Both should have a comma instead of a full stop.

"From a distance, it looked like two friends in casual contact." Excellent line.

Bender giving the exact time since he saw Fry is another great joke. I could see it on the show.
"I can make it up to you." Leela said
Again, should have a comma instead of a full stop.

Typo: "Hmmm. Solid gold you say?". has an extraneous full stop.

Typo: "Leela signed" should be "sighed".

"Also Zapp's gold codpiece got stolen." Excellent line.

Typo: "His orange hair was unique enough he ought to be easy to spot" needs a "that"
"If he lives, tell Fry he's welcome to move back in with me." Bender called after her
Again, needs a comma.

"That being done, order restored, and calm and reason prevailing, she saw no reason that some serious ass kicking wasn't the appropriate calm and reasoned response." Another excellent line.

Typo: "wristamjigger"

I like the method Leela uses to find Fry.

Typo: "mentqlly"
Oh, Lord, no." she gasped at the scene within
"After I kill Fry, I gonna be sick. Then I'm gonna take Bender apart piece by piece with a rusty hacksaw." Leela growled
Both of these should have a comma instead of a full stop.

The Zapp scene is solid gold. No pun intended. I love Leela's reaction, too.

Typo: "it's hinges" should be "its".

The whole scene with Amy is great.
"Ah ... you want to tell me what's going on?" She asked him.
"she" shouldn't be capitalised, since it's a dialogue tag, not a new sentence.
"I'm trying to save my marriage." he said
Should have a comma, not a full stop.

Typo: "You .. huh? What?". has an extra full stop.

Typo: "clshing"
"Well, " he began, "You know that thing Bender did
"you" shouldn't be capitalised, because it continues Fry's sentence, rather than being the start of a new sentence.

Possible typo? Leela has a line of dialogue that's just "Yes," ending with a comma.

Typo: "the fist bad thing".

I really like the revelation of Fry's plan. It's an excellent idea and feels very in character for Fry.

Typoes: "And?". has an extra full stop; "another on"; "You what?!". again has a full stop at the end; "bath room" should be "bathroom".

Fry's story of what happened is also a nice read.

Well, apart from some typoes and punctuation issues, I don't really find anything that needs improvement. The story is excellent, with some intelligent twists, and Fry's plan is quite touching. (It also manages to be very different from Missy's Monologue for Circuits and Snark, though both deal with Bender's prediction in some way.) Fry and Leela are perfectly in character, neither being needlessly obtuse just for the sake of the plot. The other characters don't get much on-page time, though both Bender and Amy have good scenes and are well-written. The writing itself is nothing flashy, but it works well and has descriptive bits where needed.

Pretty excellent stuff. Looking forward to seeing where you're taking it.
Last edited by c_nordlander on Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: OPINIONS/WIP/ Collision Course (Fry/Leela)

Post by Red_Line » Wed Jan 18, 2012 2:14 am

Thank you both for the comments.

Missey, would you please be so kind as to give me an example or two of where you thought Bender was a bit too posh? Thanks.

Chris, thanks very much for your comments and for catching all the typos and etc. I can stare at those things 'till I'm half blind and can't see 'em all. I've never been entirely clear on the proper ways to punctuate dialogue, it seems like I've seen several variations in how it's done.

c_nordlander wrote: The cellphones seem a bit low-tech for Futurama. Nothing really wrong with it, just an observation.
This caught me by surprise as Fry's cellphone telephone seems like such a minor part of the story. Looking back at where they have appeared in the series, Fry's in TBWABB looks like a plain old 3G flip 'phone, and Leela's in Killer App is even slightly more antiquated than my old "I was surprised when it kept working when they shut off analog" dinosaur (I want a rotary dial cell phone!). :D The lesson here is what the writer thinks are the important features of the story and what the reader thinks are can be two very different things.
"From a distance, it looked like two friends in casual contact." Excellent line.
It's funny, that line felt out of place to me and I had thought about removing it.
The Zapp scene is solid gold. No pun intended. I love Leela's reaction, too.
Thank you! I thought that was the funniest bit of the story. ;D
Pretty excellent stuff. Looking forward to seeing where you're taking it.
Again, thanks. I don't really have any plans to expand it as this was the story I wanted to tell. I felt it had a few rough edges and maybe wasn't fully fleshed out, but it seems like it worked.
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Re: OPINIONS/WIP/ Collision Course (Fry/Leela)

Post by c_nordlander » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:03 am

Red_Line wrote:Again, thanks. I don't really have any plans to expand it as this was the story I wanted to tell. I felt it had a few rough edges and maybe wasn't fully fleshed out, but it seems like it worked.
Ah, OK. I thought you were planning to write more (as opposed to just polishing what you'd got) because it said "WIP" in the heading. Just a mistake on my part.

This certainly works as a complete story; there's no need to make it longer.

The cellphones are a very, very minor nitpick on my part. I probably just picked up on it because it seems to me that a lot of Futurama fics (at least of the ones I've read) tend to skimp on the actual futuristic technology, almost like they're set in 21st century New York with some cosmetic changes. That's not really a problem with your story (you have Fry taking the tubes, for one thing). So yeah, don't worry about it.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
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Re: OPINIONS/WIP/ Collision Course (Fry/Leela)

Post by missy_misery » Sat Jan 21, 2012 10:58 pm

@R_L; just a few of the passages - he just felt a tiny bit less slangy than he should.
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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