OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Get help, post works in progress for feedback and see articles and tutorials written by other writers.
User avatar
Red_Line
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2007 6:29 pm
Location: ~/earth/northamerica/usa/michigan/lansing
Contact:

OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Postby Red_Line » Mon Sep 03, 2012 4:29 am

Here's the opening part of a fic I've had simmering on the back burner for a long time now (just how long is shown by the fact that it's an 'after the opera' fic ;D ). I post it because I think there's a problem with it and I want to see if anyone else thinks so. Thanks in advance.
Attachments
0rl08_-_exit_wound_part_1_dev.odt
(22.41 KiB) Downloaded 353 times
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7426
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Postby Archonix » Mon Sep 03, 2012 10:47 am

I don't see a problem. Though I can't for the life of me figure out why Leela did such a complete 180 like that.
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
User avatar
Red_Line
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2007 6:29 pm
Location: ~/earth/northamerica/usa/michigan/lansing
Contact:

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Postby Red_Line » Tue Sep 04, 2012 1:10 am

Nailed it. I explain it away with an "I panicked" later on, but is that going to be believable? ???
Archonix
Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer
Posts: 7426
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2001 12:45 pm
Contact:

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Postby Archonix » Thu Sep 06, 2012 12:13 am

Dunno, she was pretty thorough. Maybe she only pretended to burn his clothes?
Our choicest plans have fallen through, our airiest castles tumbled over, because of lines we neatly drew and later neatly stumbled over.
— Piet Hein - Grooks
User avatar
missy_misery
Sector Control Officer
Sector Control Officer
Posts: 2245
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:04 am

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Postby missy_misery » Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:09 am

Spoiler


But it's a very good start!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11489
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Running after something that I'll never kill
Location: Redacted, Redacticaster

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Postby c_nordlander » Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:04 pm

Typoes: Fry's first name should only have one L. (You spelled it right later on.) Also, "through his conscious" should be "consciousness".

This is well-written! It's an arresting opening.

"How, and more importantly, why, he wondered did his life keep imploding on him like this." This needs a comma after "wondered".

Typoes: "liked he'd never known before". Also, "womens clothing" needs an apostrophe.

The ending of the first scene (leading up to the flashback) feels a bit cliché. I mean, it's a well-written line, but it still feels like a bit of a well-worn way to lead into a flashback. Your call, I guess.

"Tour de farce" is genius. The good writing continues with the description of the opera's ending. Very quiet, yet emotive.

Typo: "But after moment" needs an "a".

"Good night Fry." Leela said softly
Should have a comma rather than a full stop after the dialogue line.

"She laid there, consciousness slowly returning, like the light of sunrise filtering into a clearing in the forest, some areas gathering illumination, others remaining in gloom." I really like the writing here, it's beautiful, but it feels like the sentence is very long and has a lot of commas. (I realise I'm not the one to talk about this.) I don't really know how to fix it, though. I guess it's not bad.

"She sat up suddenly, fully awake, a sudden shock registering on her mind" Having "suddenly" and "sudden" in short succession gets a bit repetitive. You might want to cut out the "sudden".

Multiple question marks and exclamation marks come off as a bit silly, but again, that's up to you.

I really love "the constriction of panic rising in her chest". Excellent description.

While I have some problems with Leela's reaction (as see below), the whole scene in the apartment corridor is very much like the show's humour. Especially Hattie's (I assume it's Hattie) line made me giggle, and I like how Fry gets out of the scrape. Nice little appearance of Smitty and URL, too.

Like Graham and Missy, I think the only problem here is Leela's reaction.

Spoiler


Apart from that and the couple of writing-related nitpicks above, I don't have any problems with this story. The writing is great with an awesome opening scene, the comedy is show-quality, and everyone is in character. Especially Fry feels excellently characterised. The bit recapping the ending of the opera made me quite emotional, too.

I can definitely see this going somewhere. And the main problem I had with it (Leela flipping out at Fry) wasn't that big. I mean, it feels over the top, but it's not catastrophic.
The noose draws tighter;
This is the end;
I'm a good fighter
But a bad friend;
I've played the traitor
Over and over;
I'm a good hater
But a bad lover.


Elinor Wylie, "Peregrine"
User avatar
Red_Line
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2007 6:29 pm
Location: ~/earth/northamerica/usa/michigan/lansing
Contact:

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Postby Red_Line » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:59 am

Thanks very much for the comments. Leela's reaction was my primary concern with this segment and obviously I need to give that some more thought.

Return to “Writing Help”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest