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OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 4:29 am
by Red_Line
Here's the opening part of a fic I've had simmering on the back burner for a long time now (just how long is shown by the fact that it's an 'after the opera' fic ;D ). I post it because I think there's a problem with it and I want to see if anyone else thinks so. Thanks in advance.

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 10:47 am
by Archonix
I don't see a problem. Though I can't for the life of me figure out why Leela did such a complete 180 like that.

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2012 1:10 am
by Red_Line
Nailed it. I explain it away with an "I panicked" later on, but is that going to be believable? ???

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 12:13 am
by Archonix
Dunno, she was pretty thorough. Maybe she only pretended to burn his clothes?

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:09 am
by missy_misery
Spoiler
But it's a very good start!

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:04 pm
by c_nordlander
Typoes: Fry's first name should only have one L. (You spelled it right later on.) Also, "through his conscious" should be "consciousness".

This is well-written! It's an arresting opening.

"How, and more importantly, why, he wondered did his life keep imploding on him like this." This needs a comma after "wondered".

Typoes: "liked he'd never known before". Also, "womens clothing" needs an apostrophe.

The ending of the first scene (leading up to the flashback) feels a bit cliché. I mean, it's a well-written line, but it still feels like a bit of a well-worn way to lead into a flashback. Your call, I guess.

"Tour de farce" is genius. The good writing continues with the description of the opera's ending. Very quiet, yet emotive.

Typo: "But after moment" needs an "a".
"Good night Fry." Leela said softly
Should have a comma rather than a full stop after the dialogue line.

"She laid there, consciousness slowly returning, like the light of sunrise filtering into a clearing in the forest, some areas gathering illumination, others remaining in gloom." I really like the writing here, it's beautiful, but it feels like the sentence is very long and has a lot of commas. (I realise I'm not the one to talk about this.) I don't really know how to fix it, though. I guess it's not bad.

"She sat up suddenly, fully awake, a sudden shock registering on her mind" Having "suddenly" and "sudden" in short succession gets a bit repetitive. You might want to cut out the "sudden".

Multiple question marks and exclamation marks come off as a bit silly, but again, that's up to you.

I really love "the constriction of panic rising in her chest". Excellent description.

While I have some problems with Leela's reaction (as see below), the whole scene in the apartment corridor is very much like the show's humour. Especially Hattie's (I assume it's Hattie) line made me giggle, and I like how Fry gets out of the scrape. Nice little appearance of Smitty and URL, too.

Like Graham and Missy, I think the only problem here is Leela's reaction.
Spoiler
Apart from that and the couple of writing-related nitpicks above, I don't have any problems with this story. The writing is great with an awesome opening scene, the comedy is show-quality, and everyone is in character. Especially Fry feels excellently characterised. The bit recapping the ending of the opera made me quite emotional, too.

I can definitely see this going somewhere. And the main problem I had with it (Leela flipping out at Fry) wasn't that big. I mean, it feels over the top, but it's not catastrophic.

Re: OPINION/WIP/ Exit Wound

Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:59 am
by Red_Line
Thanks very much for the comments. Leela's reaction was my primary concern with this segment and obviously I need to give that some more thought.