FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)

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FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)

Post by missy_misery » Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:15 pm

Been working on some suitable Venture!Fic and thought this might be appreciated:

SUMMARY: It's been twenty years since season 2 ended.  Brock is still novelist/playwrite Dean Venture's bodyguard, and he considers in a privalage to look after Dean's growing family.  But when a certain fanboy will do ANYTHING to find out how Dean's new book ends, Brock finds himself teaming up with some old enemies and unusual friends to protect Dean.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)

Post by aoifestorm » Mon Jul 02, 2007 4:53 pm

Write some more of this please, Missy.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Thu Jul 05, 2007 6:13 pm

@Aoife: Thank you!  I'd love to hear some things that you specifically liked/disliked about it, though, so I can  improve the piece  :)
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)

Post by Officer 1BDI » Sat Jul 07, 2007 1:43 am

My only real disappointment is that the first segment is so short.  I can't wait to see more of this story.

Some minor nitpicks:
He waded through the pile of discarded black tulle and discarded manuscript pages entered the day suite, where the noise was its loudest.
The sentence looks a bit awkward.  I think there's a word missing (an "and" between "pages" and "entered"?).
He cleared his throat to drive away the emotion.  "Lemme check the hall one more time," he said, leaving before Hank could notice the slight quiver in his lips.
I think you meant Dean, rather than Hank.
"I will bring you Dean Venture," she said, turning and clicking her way out of the room....
I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about.  Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking.  I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording.

And now the little parts I loved:
Spoiler
Last edited by Officer 1BDI on Sat Jul 07, 2007 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Sun Jul 08, 2007 4:54 am

Thanks so much!!
Officer 1BDI wrote: The sentence looks a bit awkward.  I think there's a word missing (an "and" between "pages" and "entered"?).
Makes sense! *fixes*
He cleared his throat to drive away the emotion.  "Lemme check the hall one more time," he said, leaving before Hank could notice the slight quiver in his lips.
I think you meant Dean, rather than Hank.[/quote]

Crap!  *fixes*
I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about.  Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking.  I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording.
I've re-edited the segment and re-attached; thoughts on the fresh transition appreciated.
Spoiler
Thank you SO much for your helpful review - part the second on it's way soon!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)

Post by aoifestorm » Sun Jul 08, 2007 5:22 pm

missy_misery wrote: @Aoife: Thank you!  I'd love to hear some things that you specifically liked/disliked about it, though, so I can  improve the piece  :)
Hahah, write some more if it first!!  :D  I like that you are writing it, I dislike that there isn't more.
  Just let the story out, and worry about technicalities lata.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)

Post by Officer 1BDI » Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:36 am

missy_misery wrote:
I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about.  Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking.  I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording.
I've re-edited the segment and re-attached; thoughts on the fresh transition appreciated.
I really like it, but I think you should use "add" in the last sentence, rather than "added."
Thank you SO much for your helpful review - part the second on it's way soon!
You're welcome.  :)  And I can't wait; I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it might come out before I leave this Thursday for a week.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (1/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Thu Jul 12, 2007 6:28 pm

@Aoife - I'm working on it!

@Officer 1BDI - YES, that does sound better!  :) *fixes*

@the both of you - new chapter Saturday, I'm afraid.  :P
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:08 am

Part the Second, in which complications arise in getting Dean to the premire.  Looks like Brock's gonna need some intel, but the backup he gets might not be the backup he wants.

PLEASE NOTE: the rating goes up slightly for language in this chapter, nothing outside of what's barely-bleeped in actual Venture!Verse.
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by Fionn » Fri Jul 27, 2007 11:33 pm

Awesome, Miss Missy Misery! Funny and action-packed as the show, and I just love the Monarch's typically inept entrance.
Hey you, out there in the cold,
Getting lonely, getting old,
Can you hear me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles,
With itching feet and fading smiles,
Can you feel me?
Hey You! Don\'t help them to bury the light.
Don\'t give in without a fight.

-\"Hey You\", by Pink Floyd
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Sun Jul 29, 2007 4:01 am

Thanks so much!  I've recently replaced the second chapter with a fresher version.

Third chapter will arrive soon!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:56 pm

I'm grateful to you, Missy. First ever VB fanfic I read, and it's great.

Your writing style is great, as usual, though occasionally precious: "eyes wide with a powerful zeal" gives a nice image, but feels rather like telling instead of showing for some reason. To be fair, there's very little of that (in fact, less than usual in your stories).

Typoes: "dissapeared", "opperative", "behind" (should be "being", in the Chucky Cheese line), "tobbacco", "Trinana", "evildooers", and "snivley". Also, it's "Papillon" with only one I.

Also, I don't know what "phisod" (second chapter) is.

The descriptions of the people, their clothes and the environments are excellent: never dragging on, just perfect details dropped here and there. I particularly like the way you describe Brock and Molotov (Molotov is perfect!)
There was a small murmur that went up from the crowd
This feels a bit wordy. Perhaps "there was a small murmur going up from the crowd" would be better.

OK, a continuity problem: in the first chapter, Dean's fictional character is named "Johnny Starfall", but in the second he's "Jonny Starlight". Personally, I much prefer "Starfall". (I have no preferences for the spelling of his first name.)

It's "New Line Cinema" without a hyphen. (Unless this is an intentional change for the Ventureverse.) I like the fact that they made Dean's movie, though.

The unicorn line feels a bit recycled (like a lot of similar nerd jokes on The Simpsons and the like). I like nerd jokes like that, but I think you could come up with something wittier than the colour of a unicorn. (This isn't even a nitpick, just a sign of how much I demand from your writing.)
"Aww, I think the movies are nifty!  And they're lots of fun to watch, whether you're on a plane or when you're behind held captive by an Abominable Snowperson who's really a mad Chucky Cheese employee!"
Brilliant, brilliant line.

It's nice to have an appearance of Jonas and his family, but why not refer to him as "Jonas Jr." like on the show? (I also love Dean's kid being Jonas the Third).

The song is called "Camptown Races", unless this is a pun.

The kidnapping is well written, quick and shocking, with the reader given as little chance as Brock to realise what's going on.
"SUNUVA..." he muttered, running outside and furtively searching every alley, but there was nothing but a New York night outside without even a ransom note left behind.
I think the second "outside" should go. Also, you might want to give a little more time to Brock's search, even if only one new sentence.

I love the appearance of the Monarch (and his wife's new nom de guerre!). Though:
Spoiler
Good chapter ending.

Well, there's not a lot to comment on so far, but I'm eager to see more and find out where the plot is going. Writing is awesome even for you, as I've said, with beautiful descriptions. Everyone seems in character: Dean and Triana are a bit bland perhaps (but then, they are on the show, too), but Brock is great, and Molotov shines whenever she's on the page.

I'm looking forward to more!
Last edited by Anonymous on Sat Sep 01, 2007 9:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Sat Sep 01, 2007 9:48 am

*bows* thank you, Chris!

Thanks for notes on the typos - I'll fix them up and repost edited chapters ASAP (probably before December, considering my schedule). 

Crap, I knew I should have checked the Johnny Starfall thing - it is Starfall, I considered "Starkiller" in tribute to mildly-obscure Star Wars lore, but thought it was overkill (and too bloody-sounding for something Dean'd come up with).  *fixes*

I'll rework the nerd/Dean dialouge exchange - I agree it could be punchier. 

Noted RE: Jonas Jr!

Re: What's in spoiler tags about The Monarch:
Spoiler
RE: Dean and Triana: that's the fun of Venturefic; Dean and Tri (and also Hank to some degree, IMOHO, at least pre-Assassinanny) are these semi-normal folks around whom the strangest of the strange swirls.  Hopefully ficwise in this particular universe, some things will never change ;)

New chapter by fall at least!

I'm glad you like, Chris! 
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Sep 01, 2007 10:02 am

Gah... I started *correcting* your typoes in the post instead of just listing them. So you've written "evildooers" and "snivley", and I said you should *change* it to "evildoers" and "snivelly" (or "snively" since you're American). My brain must have changed course in mid-sentence.

*LOL* @ the Luke Starkiller reference. But yeah, Starfall is a cooler name.

Forgot to say...
Spoiler
Last edited by Anonymous on Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
Say hello to the rug's topography
It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it.
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
You can't see it, but you know it's there, so don't neglect it.


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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by aoifestorm » Sat Sep 01, 2007 5:36 pm

Yayy Missayyy!  I finally read part 2.  :)  Now, I need more!  A lot more, please.  I'm kind of glad that I couldn't read this before today, I need part 3, and we have to wait for that.
I want to know what happens nowwwww.
Good stuff-  Everyone's in character, there are some great lines and descriptions, Monarch's entrance is the best one could ask for, gush gush gush. I need more!

Nitpickin-  There would be a Pad Thai place on 86th street.  However, both the Yupper West Side, and the Upper East Side are sorely lacking in hookers.  They are upper middle class/rich/mega rich/mega mega rich neighborhoods.  HOWEVER, "high class" apartments and townhouse rackets could be found on the Upper East.  Maybe refer to the fact that they are high priced girls?  It's pretty much the only way those neighborhoods and hookers go together.

Also, along East 86th is the building that The Jeffersons lived in, and inside which they finally got a piece of the pie.  I beg beg beg you to add something with this, since you specifically mentioned 86th street.  Please Missay, please rock my world.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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