The Simpsons & Futurama Fanworks Central

Been working on some suitable Venture!Fic and thought this might be appreciated:

SUMMARY: It's been twenty years since season 2 ended.  Brock is still novelist/playwrite Dean Venture's bodyguard, and he considers in a privalage to look after Dean's growing family.  But when a certain fanboy will do ANYTHING to find out how Dean's new book ends, Brock finds himself teaming up with some old enemies and unusual friends to protect Dean.

Write some more of this please, Missy.

@Aoife: Thank you!  I'd love to hear some things that you specifically liked/disliked about it, though, so I can  improve the piece 

My only real disappointment is that the first segment is so short.  I can't wait to see more of this story.

Some minor nitpicks:

He waded through the pile of discarded black tulle and discarded manuscript pages entered the day suite, where the noise was its loudest.

The sentence looks a bit awkward.  I think there's a word missing (an "and" between "pages" and "entered"?).

He cleared his throat to drive away the emotion.  "Lemme check the hall one more time," he said, leaving before Hank could notice the slight quiver in his lips.

I think you meant Dean, rather than Hank.

"I will bring you Dean Venture," she said, turning and clicking her way out of the room....

I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about.  Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking.  I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording.

And now the little parts I loved:

Spoiler

The boy gasped and groaned, his face a livid shade but his lungs rapidly expanding.  He would make it, Brock reassured himself lightly.

That made me crack up.  I can imagine his indifference to nearly killing that poor kid; the mental image is disturbing, hilarious, and in character.

"Jonas III" makes me feel a bit bad for Rusty, but I'm honestly not surprised by the choice of namesake.  I'm admittingly smitten by the idea of Dean being a dad; I think he'd actually do a decent job at it, which is more than I can say for his own father.  I like that you introduced him as he was reading to his daughter, as I think it establishes this idea from the get-go (that, and the scene was adorable).

Brock waved back awkwardly, his teeth clenched; despite his constant presence in Dean and Triana's lives Abigail had never warmed up to him.  "Hi, Abby," he said.

The little girl grabbed her father's thin forearm and began to wail.

Even I'm grimacing at the forced grin I'm picturing in my head.  Poor Brock....

"How much will you pay for this treasure?"

"A billion rubles and two cases of Angel Soft."

Ahahaha.  The non-sequitur that is the toilet paper is exactly what I would have expected from the show.

Thanks so much!!

Officer 1BDI wrote: The sentence looks a bit awkward.  I think there's a word missing (an "and" between "pages" and "entered"?).

Makes sense! *fixes*

He cleared his throat to drive away the emotion.  "Lemme check the hall one more time," he said, leaving before Hank could notice the slight quiver in his lips.

I think you meant Dean, rather than Hank.[/quote]

Crap!  *fixes*

I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about.  Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking.  I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording.

I've re-edited the segment and re-attached; thoughts on the fresh transition appreciated.

Spoiler

That made me crack up.  I can imagine his indifference to nearly killing that poor kid; the mental image is disturbing, hilarious, and in character.

I imagined Patrick W. delivering the line in his dry Brock!voice.  Thanks!

"Jonas III" makes me feel a bit bad for Rusty, but I'm honestly not surprised by the choice of namesake.

Of the two boys, I've noticed that it's Hank who wants them to be a normal, happy family with a loving dad and all.  Dean just wants normality and to get the heck away from the craziness and maybe kiss Triana.  I decided the happy medium would be Dean wanting to name his son after Rusty and Triana, knowing the way Venture Sr. treats the kids, putting the kibosh on it.

And I actually LIKE Rusty, but I can never seem to find a way to work him into my universes...

I'm admittingly smitten by the idea of Dean being a dad; I think he'd actually do a decent job at it, which is more than I can say for his own father.  I like that you introduced him as he was reading to his daughter, as I think it establishes this idea from the get-go (that, and the scene was adorable).

I had this mental image going that Dean'd grow up to seek intense normalicy where as Hank would want a wild, gung-ho life as a hero - unfortunately probably as ineptly as his father studies science . 

Even I'm grimacing at the forced grin I'm picturing in my head.  Poor Brock....

And it's not even that Brock doesn't like kids, it's that he doesn't quite seem to have the knack as to how to behave around them.

Ahahaha.  The non-sequitur that is the toilet paper is exactly what I would have expected from the show.

I keep having visions of Mol stealing hotel towels and shampoo while rapelling down the sides of flaming four-star hotels...

Thank you SO much for your helpful review - part the second on it's way soon!

missy_misery wrote: @Aoife: Thank you!  I'd love to hear some things that you specifically liked/disliked about it, though, so I can  improve the piece 

Hahah, write some more if it first!!    I like that you are writing it, I dislike that there isn't more.
  Just let the story out, and worry about technicalities lata.

missy_misery wrote:

I assume by "clicking" you mean the sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she walked away; it took me a few moments to register what you were talking about.  Maybe I'm just slow (or maybe I'm flat out wrong), but the way it's written now seems to suggest that she herself is clicking.  I'm not sure how you could reword it, though, or if it really needs rewording.

I've re-edited the segment and re-attached; thoughts on the fresh transition appreciated.

I really like it, but I think you should use "add" in the last sentence, rather than "added."

Thank you SO much for your helpful review - part the second on it's way soon!

You're welcome.    And I can't wait; I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it might come out before I leave this Thursday for a week.

@Aoife - I'm working on it!

@Officer 1BDI - YES, that does sound better!  *fixes*

@the both of you - new chapter Saturday, I'm afraid. 

Part the Second, in which complications arise in getting Dean to the premire.  Looks like Brock's gonna need some intel, but the backup he gets might not be the backup he wants.

PLEASE NOTE: the rating goes up slightly for language in this chapter, nothing outside of what's barely-bleeped in actual Venture!Verse.

Awesome, Miss Missy Misery! Funny and action-packed as the show, and I just love the Monarch's typically inept entrance.

Thanks so much!  I've recently replaced the second chapter with a fresher version.

Third chapter will arrive soon!

I'm grateful to you, Missy. First ever VB fanfic I read, and it's great.

Your writing style is great, as usual, though occasionally precious: "eyes wide with a powerful zeal" gives a nice image, but feels rather like telling instead of showing for some reason. To be fair, there's very little of that (in fact, less than usual in your stories).

Typoes: "dissapeared", "opperative", "behind" (should be "being", in the Chucky Cheese line), "tobbacco", "Trinana", "evildooers", and "snivley". Also, it's "Papillon" with only one I.

Also, I don't know what "phisod" (second chapter) is.

The descriptions of the people, their clothes and the environments are excellent: never dragging on, just perfect details dropped here and there. I particularly like the way you describe Brock and Molotov (Molotov is perfect!)

There was a small murmur that went up from the crowd

This feels a bit wordy. Perhaps "there was a small murmur going up from the crowd" would be better.

OK, a continuity problem: in the first chapter, Dean's fictional character is named "Johnny Starfall", but in the second he's "Jonny Starlight". Personally, I much prefer "Starfall". (I have no preferences for the spelling of his first name.)

It's "New Line Cinema" without a hyphen. (Unless this is an intentional change for the Ventureverse.) I like the fact that they made Dean's movie, though.

The unicorn line feels a bit recycled (like a lot of similar nerd jokes on The Simpsons and the like). I like nerd jokes like that, but I think you could come up with something wittier than the colour of a unicorn. (This isn't even a nitpick, just a sign of how much I demand from your writing.)

"Aww, I think the movies are nifty!  And they're lots of fun to watch, whether you're on a plane or when you're behind held captive by an Abominable Snowperson who's really a mad Chucky Cheese employee!"

Brilliant, brilliant line.

It's nice to have an appearance of Jonas and his family, but why not refer to him as "Jonas Jr." like on the show? (I also love Dean's kid being Jonas the Third).

The song is called "Camptown Races", unless this is a pun.

The kidnapping is well written, quick and shocking, with the reader given as little chance as Brock to realise what's going on.

"SUNUVA..." he muttered, running outside and furtively searching every alley, but there was nothing but a New York night outside without even a ransom note left behind.

I think the second "outside" should go. Also, you might want to give a little more time to Brock's search, even if only one new sentence.

I love the appearance of the Monarch (and his wife's new nom de guerre!). Though:

Spoiler

Even if they did stop fighting Dr Venture at the end of Season 2, I don't know if I can picture him and his wife as heroes.

Good chapter ending.

Well, there's not a lot to comment on so far, but I'm eager to see more and find out where the plot is going. Writing is awesome even for you, as I've said, with beautiful descriptions. Everyone seems in character: Dean and Triana are a bit bland perhaps (but then, they are on the show, too), but Brock is great, and Molotov shines whenever she's on the page.

I'm looking forward to more!

*bows* thank you, Chris!

Thanks for notes on the typos - I'll fix them up and repost edited chapters ASAP (probably before December, considering my schedule). 

Crap, I knew I should have checked the Johnny Starfall thing - it is Starfall, I considered "Starkiller" in tribute to mildly-obscure Star Wars lore, but thought it was overkill (and too bloody-sounding for something Dean'd come up with).  *fixes*

I'll rework the nerd/Dean dialouge exchange - I agree it could be punchier. 

Noted RE: Jonas Jr!

Re: What's in spoiler tags about The Monarch:

Spoiler

There's a big ol' back story as to how they got out of arching and ended up turning into dogooders - without spoiling let me just say TM's usual bluster managed to get him into this.

RE: Dean and Triana: that's the fun of Venturefic; Dean and Tri (and also Hank to some degree, IMOHO, at least pre-Assassinanny) are these semi-normal folks around whom the strangest of the strange swirls.  Hopefully ficwise in this particular universe, some things will never change

New chapter by fall at least!

I'm glad you like, Chris! 

Gah... I started *correcting* your typoes in the post instead of just listing them. So you've written "evildooers" and "snivley", and I said you should *change* it to "evildoers" and "snivelly" (or "snively" since you're American). My brain must have changed course in mid-sentence.

*LOL* @ the Luke Starkiller reference. But yeah, Starfall is a cooler name.

Forgot to say...

Spoiler

Dr Venture's death is *so* in character.

Yayy Missayyy!  I finally read part 2.    Now, I need more!  A lot more, please.  I'm kind of glad that I couldn't read this before today, I need part 3, and we have to wait for that.
I want to know what happens nowwwww.
Good stuff-  Everyone's in character, there are some great lines and descriptions, Monarch's entrance is the best one could ask for, gush gush gush. I need more!

Nitpickin-  There would be a Pad Thai place on 86th street.  However, both the Yupper West Side, and the Upper East Side are sorely lacking in hookers.  They are upper middle class/rich/mega rich/mega mega rich neighborhoods.  HOWEVER, "high class" apartments and townhouse rackets could be found on the Upper East.  Maybe refer to the fact that they are high priced girls?  It's pretty much the only way those neighborhoods and hookers go together.

Also, along East 86th is the building that The Jeffersons lived in, and inside which they finally got a piece of the pie.  I beg beg beg you to add something with this, since you specifically mentioned 86th street.  Please Missay, please rock my world.