FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)

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missy_misery
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:29 am

*bows to both Aoife and Chris*

Thank you both for the compliments - and aoife, I'll consider throwing in your suggestion :)
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

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Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by aoifestorm » Sun Sep 02, 2007 6:02 pm

That would make me so happy, Missay.  :D  It really would.
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (3/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Fri Dec 21, 2007 3:55 am

Part the third!
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Dec 21, 2007 9:38 pm

Bliss! Another chapter, just in time for Christmas.

This is, in general, very good indeed. All I can do is make some more specific points.
For once a single glare had cut down an aggressor.
Excellent.

Typo: "lightening" should be "lightning". The flashback scene is great, though. Molotov is very seductive.
and she leaned in and with a quick swipe of her tongue and swallowed a bead of sweat from his upper lip.
Great scene, but that last "and" really shouldn't be there. (I'll leave it to you as to whether you can "swallow" something with your tongue.)

I love the characterisation of Sally Impossible, and your use of the word "depowered".

It's "Papillon", not "Papillion".

The description of Dean's journey is good and scary. It might need a bit more detail, though. Generally, you keep a very good pace here, keeping a good slim narrative, but some more detail to make it feel longer wouldn't hurt.

Her name is "Myra".
At that point, her cell phone rang.  She answered it for the distraction.
Another beautiful line.

It's "Orpheus", not "Orpheous".
“Dad!  Is The Alchemist retired to the Bahamas a year ago and Jefferson Twilight is in a diabetic coma!
That "is" doesn't look like it should be there. (I like the future of the Triad members, though.)
a dark shadow crossed Byron’s face.
"dark" probably isn't needed here. Most shadows are.

Well... what can I say without gushing? Your writing is as jealousy-inducing as ever, suspense is tight, and there are some nice bits of humour to lighten the mood. It's definitely grabbed me now.
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by aoifestorm » Sat Dec 22, 2007 6:00 pm

What happens next, what happens next? I really liked the dinner scene...poor Triana. :(

Mol and her toilet paper! :D  For someone who goes on spy missions in places like Monte Carlo, you'd think she'd be ok.  But, that's how Jackson and Doc made her.
Meowwwwww on that licking sweat off of Doc's upper lip, during the flashback.

Write some more Missayyyyyyyy!
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Dec 22, 2007 6:16 pm

The toilet paper joke is a reference to high quality consumer goods being hard to acquire legally in Russia. I suspect Mol sells it on the black market, or possibly stocks it up for her old parents... unless she killed them or something... hmm...

EDIT: IGNORE ME!!
Last edited by Anonymous on Sun Dec 23, 2007 7:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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aoifestorm
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by aoifestorm » Sun Dec 23, 2007 4:19 pm

Yeah, it's definiitely a Soviet-era thing, same with the American jeans....
I just loved that Missay still has Mol wanting toilet paper. :D
Homer eats a little too much Chile to strong pepper and is found with hullicinations amongst other things it speaks with a dog.
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:30 pm

Thanks, Chris!  Nothing much to add to your suggestions - I'll fix up and post the final draft soon!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (2/??) (WIP)

Post by missy_misery » Thu Jun 12, 2008 10:19 am

Just a quick note to say this fic is updating over at venture-industries.com as well (perhaps exclusively, depending on what happens with this sub-board) :)
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)

Post by missy_misery » Fri Nov 13, 2009 6:29 pm

Posting up the final chapter here for the enjoyment of certain folks 'cause I'm getting an error at the VI board.  Hope it was enjoyed!
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Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)

Post by c_nordlander » Fri Nov 13, 2009 10:51 pm

I reviewed the last chapter here.

I won't repeat my review, but suffice it to say I found this story exciting, well-written and in keeping with the show, with great characterisation abounding. Congratulations on finishing such a good work!
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
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missy_misery
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Re: FIC: Older, Wiser (6/6) (Complete) (PG-13)

Post by missy_misery » Sun Nov 15, 2009 10:34 pm

Thanks so much, Chris, will respond on VI!
Now known as Lisabella! (Or Missy.  Missy's good.)

Creator of the Waving Universe

Crack!Fic, The Marge Simpson Way: "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.  They got married and lived in a spaceship.  The end." - Tales from the Public Domain, "Hot Child In The City"
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