Review: "Yellow Men Can't Jump"

Futurama and The Simpsons fan fiction have been the staple of the Simpsons and Futurama Fanworks Central since its inception.
Forum rules
Things to remember when posting:
  • If you want a review please place REVIEW: at the start of the topic line
  • There may be some time between you posting and people replying, as our members do their utmost to read through a fic before telling you want they think
  • Reviews must be made with good grace and politeness. "It sucks" isn't a review.
  • Finally, please try to stay on topic. :)
Locked
User avatar
Gulliver63
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Posts: 1360
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:21 pm
Location: Indianapolis
Contact:

Review: "Yellow Men Can't Jump"

Post by Gulliver63 » Thu May 30, 2013 3:36 am

It's been over a year since I've posted my first Simpson story, and I've been wanting to post another; several attempts just fell apart. I enjoyed this idea, as it seemed like a fairly plausible Simpsons episode. My only problem here was that it's about half the length of my typical story, but it seemed like a complete idea. My friend at work Robert Stewart reminded me that women aren't typically very tall in the WNBA, so I had to take some poetic license in the character of Gina Hightower. Anyway, nothing Earth-shattering here...hopefully just a cute little story. Enjoy.
Attachments
Yellow Men Can't Jump.doc
(39 KiB) Downloaded 829 times
YMCJ small cover.jpg
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
David Bowie
User avatar
c_nordlander
Insane Underling
Insane Underling
Posts: 11684
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2001 2:00 pm
Custom Title: Jokin' LeEdger

Re: Review: "Yellow Men Can't Jump"

Post by c_nordlander » Fri May 31, 2013 10:04 pm

Typoes: "Karl" should be "Carl" (Karl was Homer's personal assistant from "Simpson and Delilah"); Mr. Burns' nickname is "Monty", not "Monte" (unless that's just what Cal calls him).

I quite enjoyed this story. It has a nice enough ambience, and I like the twist at the end, interrupting what previously seemed like a very simple plotline. Cal Tremont is a fun character. Gina Hightower is pretty nice too (and her name is great). As for the canon characters, pretty much everyone is in character. I particularly liked Homer and Burns. Lisa's dialogue feels a slight bit off, but not enough to be a problem, and her actions at the end are in character.

There are some funny jokes, such as Moe immediately cheering the women's basketball team on the TV after putting down female athletes, and several of Cal's lines. I also like that we didn't find out what was at stake for the bet until the end.

There aren't a lot of problems. Some parts are a bit dialogue-heavy, but it's good dialogue, so it's OK. One problem is that it's a bit low on jokes, though the ones we get are good enough. Also, the set-up of Mr. Burns running a stupid bet isn't very original. The ending is decent, but I can't help but feel that it could have been a bit more suspenseful when
Spoiler
But then, maybe you weren't trying for suspense. The very ending, while funny, is again a bit unoriginal.

That sounded more negative than I intended. An enjoyable story with some great jokes. My score: B+
Last edited by c_nordlander on Wed Oct 09, 2013 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
Are you really gonna take it like that?
Riding on the missile with a cowboy hat?

Oh, well the world is gonna end
So dance around the fire that we once believed in
Oh, wanna tear it down again, now
'Cause there's nothing left for us to bleed
Give it up, the sons of anarchy
So come around and have another round on me!

DANCE, F***ER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERF***ER BURN!


-- The Offspring, "Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell"
User avatar
Gulliver63
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Sub-sector Control Officer's Assistant
Posts: 1360
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:21 pm
Location: Indianapolis
Contact:

Re: Review: "Yellow Men Can't Jump"

Post by Gulliver63 » Fri May 31, 2013 10:36 pm

Thanks! Writing a Simpsons story is daunting to say the least, as they've done so many things over the years. What I was really afraid of was relying too much on older sexual stereotypes, and just the shortness of the story. Gina actually started from a pencil doodle I did about two years ago...Moe dated the tiny Maya, so I had him meet this taller woman in Gina. I have a close friend, who is now a Methodist minister, who stands 6' 4" - she had to mail-order her shoes because they didn't stock her size in the stores. I also thought it was interesting to mention the WNBA - locally we have the Indiana Fever, who have been quite successful as a team franchise. I also liked the fact that
Spoiler
It is fun creating characters for a Simpson story, and I'm looking forward to using the regular canon characters in future stories. I'd like to use Patty and Selma in a story of some kind.
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
David Bowie
Locked