REVIEW: Amy's Revenge

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shoerecruiter
New SNPP Employee
New SNPP Employee
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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2012 12:31 am

REVIEW: Amy's Revenge

Post by shoerecruiter » Wed Jun 12, 2013 11:15 pm

This is a story that hopefully continues the PE crew’s adventures and showcases Bender by himself. The moral of the story is twofold. Be wary of strangers because often they meet you with their agenda in mind. And even if your wish becomes true, is it truly yours to keep?
Also remember that when you see this symbol(*~+) I’d like you to really focus and picture the action. And it is my hope that you artists may even be inspired by the action to do a picture of the scene. I’d like to thank you in advance for even thinking about reading this story
Amy’s Revenge

Good news everyone!”
Bender said, “Nobody moves! You old meat sack! No one wants to hear whatever you got to say. And I for one will not participate in any more of your kooky adventures.”
“We will go on vacation, and I’m buying. Since Bender doesn’t wish to participate he can man the fort while we are gone.”
“What Huh I take it back.”
Whoo, whoo, whoo,whoop, cried Dr. Zoidburg and the rest of the crew chimed in with yells and screams of joy.
“Everybody, let’s go to the mall planet!” Amy shouted.
“No we are all going to Hunter’s Paradise, said the Professor. “I’ve got a coupon. We will enjoy a two day 1 night hunting paradise. The coupon says that we will experience the thrill of the unknown. We will have a good time.”
So the intrepid crew goes off into space while Bender stays and mans the phones and while he does, he received some crank calls. One was a little boy asking, “’is your Slurm in a refrigerator that is running? Bender had answered in the affirmative. The little boy then said you better catch it! Ay carumba!”’
Then Bender receives a phone call that really did peak his interest. The person on the other end said that he could guarantee a doubling of your money in just 2 days. The title of his program was ‘Secret Money no one knows about’! Bender thought that this was just the program, to do what he needed to do, to get what he called, mo’ money.
By this time the crew gets to the planet called Hunter’s Paradise. There they were hovering in the atmosphere awaiting the proprietor of the planet. A huge floating hangar envelops the planet Express ship. And a huge crane on the inside grabs the ship and clutches it. A man by the name of Mel Crowe addresses the crew via a television camera hookup to the main screen in the control room. It was disconcerting though to see him outside the portholes as well as on the screen.
“Welcome mates! My name is Mel Crowe. And I, Mel Crowe together with the retired Col. Kilgore who is on the planet surface right now, we run this planet’s entertainment. The Col. Is the one that actually referees the action and I just set things up. You have paid for 2 days and 1 night. So your ship will be placed 1 and three quarters day’s journey away from you by me with this hangar. There are a number of safe lodges or semi-safe lodges for the night or you can just as well take your chances in the bush.
“What is a semi-safe lodge?” Leela asked.
“A semi-safe lodge means that there will be dangers that are inside like crooked and shady characters. Tankards of ale to drink and hunks, chunks to eat, and maidens to pinch are there.
Fry then asked,” Can I stay at the lodge during the day?”
“Yeah but eventually the lodge or innkeeper will throw you out and usually without any weapons. By the way if you don’t have the weapons of your choice you will be provided with a Remington Mark AR 54. This is a pulse shotgun pulse laser type of weapon. It shoots a pulse ring of laser light that widens as it leaves the barrel. So I want you to understand the wider the ring, then the less force that it generates. It is most effective against big game at 50 meters. Effectiveness starts to drop rapidly after that. You’ll get extra ammunition or really battery packs. These weapons will shoot fifty rounds of pulse light per battery pack. The light is a red green combination that rotates, which means it cannot be matched, which is the one disadvantage to using just straight lasers. (A laser is ineffective against a color of its own light. See any science novel for a more detailed explanation.) You also get to shop inside my exclusive designer shops. Hullo Sheila.” This last was said to Amy as she came running outside the ship as soon as she heard the word designer.
The crew was at last outfitted. They were lowered by an open elevator to the surface. They got off the open elevator in a hurry as Mel had assured them that he would raise it back up to half of the full altitude and then rush off and let the wind sweep whatever is in the elevator away after enough unloading time. Amy had conscripted 3 slaves to carry her luggage of which she had a lot that she had bought from the store inside that giant hangar. These slaves were natives with the trademark blue skin, with orange straight hair. They also had aquiline noses and long tree hugging arms that they used to climb with whenever they were frightened. (*~+)
It looked like one of those old Tarzan movies the way the Planet express crew moved out. You know those old safari movies. The Professor was being carried by 4 porters; Amy had 3 natives for her luggage, so they were in the middle. Plus the crew had three more natives for relief of the other natives. Professor Zoidburg and Hermes were outfitted like Vietnam veterans and were in the front and rear. Leela and Fry rotated around the middle of the pack to keep the Professor safe and the porters fresh. (*~+) Mainly Leela wanted to be able to keep an eye on everyone. She actually didn’t trust anyone to shoot at anything dangerous. She knew she could and would.
All of the crew had received the Mark AR 54 which looked like an M203 weapon. Except for it was even lighter and the triggers were linked together with a metal bar. So when you pulled the trigger on what in a M203 was the M16 part it also pulled the trigger of the grenade launcher part. This was so that the laser oriented itself on the M16 sight, and the grenade launcher part shot out the expanding ring of pulse energy. So instead of a magazine this weapon had a battery pack somewhat similar to the battery packs we use for hand tools like power drills and power saws today. (*~+)
But Amy had only gotten what was called a lady’s stinger. This weapon was styled after the .380 automatic of our time. She had a cute little holster that strapped across her breasts and accentuated her curves. This allowed for the weapon to be carried on her left side butt forward, right under her left armpit. Because it was made in the style of the .380 auto it incorporated her battery packs in the magazine well and the pistol grip. This weapon didn’t shoot pulse energy. It shot two beams out that were mutually antagonistic to each other. See by this time they had discovered negatrons. Negatrons are known as the left side of the picture of the Universal makeup.
Let me give a quick explanation, okay. Back in the 20th and 21st centuries we had discovered matter and antimatter, or basically the two distinct different types of matter. You could picture it by showing a minus sign and saying that everything above the line is matter and below is antimatter, follow me. But in the 29th Century Mr. Leroy Ron Hubbard gave up his ancestors religion and discovered that there was a dividing line perpendicular to the minus sign and that antimatter is actually to the left of that line and matter is to the right of that line, see so now you can imagine a plus sign. So using this imagery and the mathematics invented by that genius Fred Pohl the 11th. He found the energy that is on the top left of the plus sign that you basically have. The bottom right of the sign is still unknown, although Professor Farnsworth is rumored to be working in that area in his spare time.
Anyhow this gives the lady stinger a distinct disadvantage in that it is calibrated for a set distance. It is harmless for less than or more than that set distance. But at that point, the set distance, it is actually total conversion power. And it is only because the pinpoint is so small that it isn’t lethal to every person in the vicinity. Usually its power is rated at .000000001x+(y2)+(z2)+(x2){E=mc2} which gives it a destructive force equal to shattering of all cell walls within a 2 inch radius. Or in other words you would see a small explosion in the air and a fireball 2 inches across with the force wave radiating outward from the center of the fireball. This small explosion normally knocks everyone over which usually allows the lady shooter to recover and get away from an attacker. Oh and kills the person that the fireball touches.
But enough of the technical stuff, and let’s join the PE crew on the fun outing. Yeah Zoidie and Hermes were having a, lot of fun. It is easy to walk through the woods pretending that you have it together. They were giving a lot of hand signals to each other and back to the others. Don’t worry about what they were or what they meant because neither of them had a clue as to what they were doing. They were combat rushing and combat rolling all over the trail. This was very unfortunate as it kicked up a lot of noise. They would’ve been better off just to saunter down the trail.
So in a bush that both Zoidburg and Hermes used to hide behind there was a hunter named Mr. Sylvester Cox. He spotted Leela and he knew that he wanted this Cyclops for his bed and his wall. Two for one deal he was thinking. He had to be quiet as the Professor had thrown a banana peel back to his bush. After the crew had left he took off at a tangent so that he could put his plan into action.
The crew had hiked a good distance for the day and they were getting tired as well as careless. Being careless wasn’t a liability as they still hadn’t learned anything so far on their odyssey. Let me as the author of this story and an old infantry soldier tell you some things about walking in the woods. Number one; look where you are going and move slower than usual. Number two; watch the placement of your feet and the foliage around for impediments and possible enemy hiding places.
Needless to say Leela and Fry were doing these two things. Zoidburg and Hermes were not doing any of these things. As a matter of fact they made so much noise and fuss it was doubly hard for Fry and Leela to follow the protocols I just outlined. Therefore when the Crinx which on this planet is a calico catamount type of creature something between a cougar and a lynx, hence its name, (*~+) Saw that the party was passing under the perch that she always used; she dropped the cub she was carrying and readied herself for the hunt. The Crinx on this planet feared nothing. She was a fully grown female that had just had a litter, so she was under her top weight of 50 pounds. I know that you the reader may say fifty pounds is nothing. But remember on Earth that the Tasmanian devil is a creature that no other creature wishes to tangle with. She was ready for this opportunity afforded her as she had tracked her offspring to this place. So after a quiet hiss to her cub she was ready and sprang for the kill.
Zoidburg heard the thrapp sound of the arrow before he felt the weight of fifty pounds of cat. “Oooof, went Dr. Zoidburg as he was flattened to the ground. The cat was on him and the arrow was through the catamounts neck.
As Mr. Sylvester Cox walked up and sheathed the second arrow that was notched and ready. The cub started back to the den and his litter mates. He would bite the vine and stick that was tied to his back leg off later, right now it hardly bothered him as he made a beeline back and hoped his father would be there.
Mr. Sylvester Cox said, “I would get out from under that varmint right smartly lobster face. Because that blood will permenatly stain your clothes.”
Leela looked over the stranger his voice had that cultured Texas twang. It was sort of like Sheldon’s voice but deeper. Because of the voice and the marksmanship he demonstrated Leela was not fully inspecting him as a stranger like she normally would.
Mr. Sylvester Cox said, “Why don’t we take this to the inn that is farther down the trail? Their appreciation will help us while we rest for the night. It is one of those not so safe inns that Mel briefed you about, in the briefing everybody sits through.”
Inside the inn the crew had settled down with their drinks and meal of Crinx tenders and veggies. Their newfound friend was talking during the ordering of the meal and telling them about his exploits. He had already assured them that he could find their coordinates for their ship. And since they had experienced his salvation on the trail, they were willing for him to take the lead. They didn’t have faith in any of the rest of the crew to lead. They didn’t recall all the sage advice of Leela or Fry’s leadership, so they really wanted Mr. Sylvester Cox to lead them the next day. And both Leela and Fry felt the rest of the crews want, so they were also allowing Mr. Sylvester Cox to lead the team tomorrow.
Fry, as well as the rest of the men were just ogling a waitress that successfully negotiated a round of beer mugs to the table. The Guesthaus they were in was always serving things Oktoberfest style. She was in a dirndl skirt (traditional Bavarian dress) and we will just say that her top showed some globes that made most men jealous of the mugs she cradled. (*~+)
As you might have guessed Leela and Amy were a little jealous of the attention that the men were giving the lady. Leela said to Amy, ”What’s the big deal. All she got is some chest muscles.”
“Woman, those are exceptional muscles,” said Hermes.
“Big deal, I bet Leela could do that,” said Amy.
And no sooner than the words left Amy’s mouth and the waitress set the round down. Then Leela swept the configuration up. She did get the mugs up, but she tried to turn and the mugs flew out of Leela’s embrace.
The mugs flew into an orange pelt of fur. It turned out that what a lot of patrons had thought was a furry footstool was a full adult Kzin. And now he was deliberately standing to his full height of 8 feet. The bartender surreptitiously pushed a special call button. At another table Reptile, Scorpion, and Subzero, started to softly bang their mugs on the table. The metronomic beat was picked up by everybody in the bar. Over the melodic cacophony the Kzin spoke. (*~+)
“If you are not aware of this situation, may I enlighten you?” The Kzin continued, “You have insulted my honor. Among my kind this means I must issue a challenge. Also among my kind this consists of a scream and a leap. But I have since learned that hominids need some time. Therefore if I know the proprietor of this establishment well, he has already summoned the referee. Therefore if anyone leaves they will be killed.”
Zoidburg leaped up with his fin exposed and angrily said. “No one is my boss!”
Scorpion calmly held up his hand palm extended and out came a strange metallic creature which screamed. Zoidburg’s fin retreated back into his head and crestfallen he said. ”Okay you’re the boss.”
“What does this mean?’ Amy asked.
The Kzin said. “You have besmirched my honor, so tomorrow I’ll be hunting you and yours buddy.”
Col. Kilgore had by then then showed up at the door. He heard the Kzin so he announced. “I access a 1 hour time limit penalty on you leaving the inn Mrrrlbell.”
The Kzin just grinned and showed off his canines, while he asked. “Purple haired female, do you know how much ground a Kzin can cover in an hour over rugged terrain?” Seeing them shake their heads no he continued. “No!?” “20 miles!” At their astounded looks he added “Better get a grrrrrrreeeaat night’s sleep!”
The Col. came over to the P/E crew. “Don’t worry he usually makes a quick clean kill. I’ll play some music over the loudspeakers when I release him in the morning.”
“Are you guys for real?” asked Amy.
“Oh yes, very much so. And oh, the Kzin, Mrrrlbell has paid double for his time on this planet. See he is not only a hunter but he has allowed hunters to hunt him! So you see I must allow him to get satisfaction. But don’t worry it will be a full hour that I hold him back.
And don’t worry about my ability to hold him back. I was a Colenel in Vietnam with the air cavalry. I am a fully functioning humanoid robot. I’ve been put together and fought in so many wars since then. I am a true warrior and can pass any test of strength, cunning, or tactics, and he knows this. So even he will not challenge me or my ability to enforce my rules. By the way does anyone here surf?” After a pause he asked. ”Aren’t you going to say thank you?”
“Why, you are only giving us an just an extra hour of life.” Leela said sarcasm dripping.
Mr. Sylvester Cox said, “Don’t worry I have a plan.”
Meanwhile Bender was pimp walking down an alley in the city. (*~+) He had a purple leisure suit on underneath a cream colored London fog trench coat. A cream colored fedora with a purple feather was on his head. The theme music that was playing was Atomic Dog by Parliament. Then SHAFT BY ISAAC HAYES kicked in, then SUPERFLY, then, FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY BY THE BEASTIE BOYS, then WHIP IT BY DEVO. Well you get the idea; he was walking to a jammin’ song.
Anyway Bender was walking down this alley to meet the man that promised him free money. Glancing at his fake Rolex Bender thought that he had better hurry to the end, so he wouldn’t be late. As he turned the corner he saw a nice looking human male with black hair.
“You must be Bender, and you are on time for the best deal of y9our life. All I need is you to step here and show me that you have good intentions.”
“Well my intentions are the same as when I left home. Get more bangs for the buck, baby! Do you have a light for my cigar?”
“NO I don’t but I do have the bang. This CD that I’m holding in my hand is your key to riches. All you have to do is play it, and don’t forget it.”
“Play it and don’t forget it. No problemo! Now may I have the disc please?”
“Of course you can my boy for the low, low, low price of $999.99 payable by cash or swipe card. I have the necessary equipment right here.” He said leading Bender over to a table with an old style leg lamp upon it, along with a cash register.
“Boy I love an establishment with class.”
When Bender got home he ignored the red light that was blinking on the phone. That meant there was messages, maybe new customers but, he wanted his chance to make real money. So he got a wine glass, a cigar from a humidor, then a bottle of wine that he had stolen from the Professor’s old liquor cabinet. Blowing off the dust and cobwebs, he read the label. Chateau Briand 95 it said.
Bender commented to the robot floozy he had picked up. This must be good because the number is close to 100. Do you love me baby?”
“Of course I love classy guys.”
“Okay baby I’m giving you a chance to learn and burn. Here is my interface cable where is your input hole baby? Bare it lady bare it! (*~+)
“Boy that’s a thick cable! Please plug it in slow baby.”
There was an interlude of sighing as Bender made the connection between them. Then he popped in the disc. “We going to play it and not forget it!”
The next day Bender dressed as Hugh Hefner shows up at the Beaureacratic center. He walked in and demanded to see the main accounting office. The Security guard, Mr. Bob Fitzpatrick gave him directions. Once he got to the office, which actually was a suite. Bender reached into his jacket pocket. He pulled out a bunch of printout sheets.
“I have here a request for pay to robots starting a new career, and a request for a grant for helping me gets into Gamblers Anonymous and a petition for Alcoholics Anonymous fund for helping the hopelessly drunk and request for scholarship tuition money for Mathematics University to major in how to count cards. I’ll minor in bartending, and assistance for harboring a mutant minority and scientific research assistance for future good and application for alien planetary visitor’s stipend and a request for back pay for a delivery boy back dated for 999 years. He was frozen for a thousand but I followed the rules and gave the bearu one year for all notifications to be published.”
“Yes sir, said Morgan’s assistant. “All of us in the bearecacy will give you a lot of support! My boss made sure that I knew to upgrade our customer relationships in our morning briefing. I will expedite matters for you as I can see that you are a person of distinction. I could tell by the way you walked.”
“Thank you! Now I have some other business to attend to. So I will be back promptly at 1630 hours, which is a half hour before closing time. That should be enough for me to sign any paperwork necessary.”Said Bender, as she escorted him outside her office and to the lobby.
“Yes sir! We’ll take care of everything, sir! Leave it to us sir! Said the consummate beaurecrat assistant said as she escorted Bender back to the lobby. “Mr. Fitzpatrick will you please get your wine swilling, art loving butt up and make sure that Mr. …Uhh… uhhh… What was your name again sir?”
“Bender, ma’am.”
“Make sure Mr. Bender is taken care of very well. And make sure your relief that other Bob gets his no-nothing self in gear also.”
The security guard said. “Yes ma’am, and I’ll kick that other Bob in the butt for you ma’am.” And then turning to Bender, Bob said, “Sir just sign out and it’ll be groovy.”
Bender told him. “BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS!!” And he walked out. (*~+)
Back on the hunting planet the rest of the crew was waking up and getting a quick breakfast of fruit. As Mr. Sylvester Cox had said, it would be better if they ate light. All of the planet express crew had agreed of except Dr. Zoidburg. Amy had pushed open the revolving door and you could see Dr. Zoidburg sitting down with a breakfast that would make 3 lumberjacks proud. (*~+)
“Whaaaat!? This is a quick breakfast for me! I’ll join you in 5 minutes, I need my strength.”
“Anyhow here is my plan.” Mr. Sylvester Cox said. “See I have this special weapon…”
“What is it?” asked Leela.
“Not what, who is it, this man.” Mr. Sylvester Cox said, while whipping out the head of Teddy Roosevelt in a jar. “He was the greatest hunter of his time. And as President he started the national Forest system. He has helped me hunt here many times. So hear his advice for yourself!”
“Speak softly but carry a big stick! Bully!”
“I learned he said that in high school, while I was kissing the star quarterback.” Amy added.
“No, he just said that to motivate you guys. “ Mr. Sylvester Cox said. I’ve slept completely naked with this head jar stuck right up next to my scrotal glands. My smell is all over him. All you have to do is this. Leela is grab hold of him and run letting the leaves hit him. The Kzin will hunt you down and expect to find all of us. Meanwhile I will be right behind him and will stop the big bipedal feline.”
Mr. Sylvester Cox was handing the Teddy Roosevelt head to Leela. Automatically she grabbed him, but she let out a big “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuu!” (*~+)
Mr. Sylvester Cox said. “It is my hope that my pheromones will help you in this carrying task.”
“I don’t think that pheromones are what I smell, I think it is just plain old man funk.” Leela whispered to Amy.
“I love the smell of victory in the morning!” Mr. Sylvester Cox said. “Now let’s go and don’t worry when you don’t see me.”
With that the P/E crew minus Bender of course took off after the professional hunter. And even though they had left the Professor and all of the baggage with Col. Kilgore, they could not keep up with Mr. Sylvester Cox. He was in great shape and Leela was burdened with Teddy Roosevelt. Remember he actually had the third largest head of all the presidents, behind Lincoln and James Buchanan who weighed 300 pounds !
So five minutes later everyone noticed that the P/E crew was by themselves. Thirty minutes later they started walking as they were very tired. Twenty-five minutes after all of this or exactly sixty minutes later they heard the sound of choppers doing a wide circle, and over loudspeakers the music of THE RIDE OF THE VALKERIE came through the air loud and clear. Then a scream that gave pure terror and everyone started running again. A male Kzin’s scream is like a lion’s roar plus a hyena’s scream plus an elephant’s subsonic power. It is a very good primal weapon of terror to anyone who has heard the challenge scream.
There is only five in the Universe that has heard it used against them and lived to tell the tale. So if you see anyone with an angel contained within hell fire tattooed on their back. (*~+) Then you’ll know that they are one of the few that has killed a Kzin barehanded.
The Professor was in the helicopter scared to death. He didn’t know how he was going to replace the crew. So he was just sitting there wringing his hands and following the action on the monitor screen that Col. Kilgore was also watching. “Oh, they are using the classic trick of one of the team circling behind. The Kzin grew up with that trick. You better watch this Professor. You’ll not see a hunt better than if you were in the old west watching Apaches.”
The professor just shivered.
But let’s get back to Bender. It was time and he was coming back to bmureaucratic headquarters. The new guard Bob was not letting our favorite robot pass.
“Bite my shiny metal ass!”
“I don’t care if you quote the whole Harlem Nights movie, I ain’t letting you pass. And that is a bad Della Reese imitation! You ain’t nothing but a tin tomato can!”
“Meatbag!”
“Trashcan!” (*~+)
“Bob!” announced dedicated bearueacrat. “Treat him better”
Bender interjected. “Don’t worry we were just playing the dozens.” He then continued on addressing Bob. “it’s a tie this time, right?”
“Yep, but I’ll have an extra case of beer at the next barbeque I have. I think it will be next week, okay?”
“Cool, now where is my money?” Bender was all business since he was invited to eat with Bob & Bob and some other guys that draw art pictures of some females and a nice robot. He was thinking of that nice robot with nostalgia so his remark to the bureaucrat didn’t have a lot of force behind it.
But she was still trying to provide plenty of customer service so she came right to the point. “Sir, your money will be at the customer service window on the 20th floor, just as soon as you sign this paperwork.
Bender looked at the slim folder in her hand and said. “That’s nothing.”
Then Morgan’s assistant said. “Oh this is just the paperwork to get you into the room on 68th floor. A maintenance man put your name on the doorplate and you will find all of your paperwork inside. Actually your room is a suite of 4 rooms. Because of the amount of money you’re getting, you need a private bathroom. Of course a sleeping bag is provided. Most applicants complete a room in about 2 days. You have 3 rooms. Good luck!”
Bob the security guard then said. “Here is your key for the special elevator that goes to that particular floor. “
“Where is the elevator?”
“Oh those elevators only go down to the 20th floor. You have to use this special staircase to get to the signing rooms floor. There are restrooms in the rest stations every 10 floors to help you.”
Bender finally got to the signing room. Inside he saw one school desk and chair. And a stack of paperwork as tall as Fry and there were enough of them to cover the 3 feet by 5 feet room. (*~+)
But back on the planet Hunter’s Paradise the crew felt like they had been running forever. Of course it had only been a few minutes but when you run in a panic it is not a sustained run. It is an all or nothing, all out dash. Hermes had actually gotten a little ahead of the rest of them and stooping suddenly he took off his boots. Everyone else looked at him as if he was crazy. But as soon as his boots were off, he took off his belt and started climbing a coconut type of tree. If you’ve never seen a native do this it is quite entertaining. When I was stationed in Hawaii I saw it demonstrated. The native takes a loop of rope or something. Mine used an old inner tube from a bicycle. He puts one bare foot at one edge of the loop and with a single twist to make it like a figure 8 then puts the other bare foot at the other end of the 8. Then by hopping both feet apart he gets traction by his feet and the looped material to push him up the tree. (*~+) The natives on Hunter’s Paradise climbed the trees in a similar fashion but they use their extra-long arms for leverage.
Hermes was up the tree faster than you could say coconut water. Well not that fast but pretty fast. Of course he forgot that the Kzin had claws and had evolved from a feline perspective. Cats just use their claws and strength to get them up a tree. All Kzin are expert climbers, so this maneuver will not save him.
Amy tripped and fell so Fry and Leela both hopped over a log and peered out back down the trail from both sides of the log with their weapons aimed as far back down the trail as they could see. This was a very good maneuver as it afforded them some concealment and some cover. Unfortunately the Kzin wasn’t hunting using a rifle or gun weapon. He was hunting in the ancient way only using teeth and claw. They had cover they didn’t need, so this maneuver will not save either of them or Amy. (*~+)
Dr. Zoidburg had seen a river and jumping in he was being carried down river at an increasing pace. Since cats tend to avoid getting immersed in water, because their fur may weigh them down too much. This maneuver may save him. However there was an increasing roar. Zoidie just looked at the cameras and said, “Waterfall, oy vey.” (*~+)
Meanwhile back on Earth, Bender had just completed signing and filling out the appropriate forms. Since he is a robot and as such he had the dogged determination and the hand speed to do this lickity split. So he was whistling the song, I’ve been working on the railroad, as he rode the elevator down to the 20th floor. This floor had pictures and memorabilia dedicated to President Andrew Jackson who has you know is on the U.S. 20 dollar bill. There were also pictures of Queen Victoria and Queen Catherine the Great.
So a very happy Bender walked out of the elevator and up to the cashier’s window. He smelled of Old Spice and machine oil because he had almost burned out a servo motor in his wrist joint signing so fast. The clerk with his wide green garter sleeves just smiled at Bender as the odor wasn’t unpleasant. (*~+)
“Top o’ the day to ye! Ready for some cash, because if ye are then I’ll be thy leprechaun! Thy should always remember that an O’Malley is always on thy side, especially if thee comes into the pot o’ gold!”
Bender wasn’t really listening to the short man prattle away. He was only interested in receiving. “Bite my shi…”
“Oh no! Thy kind sir. The jolly clerk interjected. “Thou shalt please excuse this personage as I cannot allow any profanity here. And only I have the power through this one last form for thou to sign if thy wilt, to receive thy gelt. I have been in this position many times before and I will not allow thee to lose any recompense that thy deserve, done through thou valiant efforts upon that hallowed ground of the 68th floor. Now if thy please, sign and receive.”
Bender’s wrist grated as he put quill to paper. As soon as the scratching of the quill stopped the clerk O’Malley gave him a wheelbarrow and said. “Follow thy path. The Great Golden Stripe is before thee.”
Bender was about to say what is this malarkey when as he grabbed the handles of the wheelbarrow automatically, he noticed what he didn’t notice before a golden stripe that started at the door of the cashier window and continued on down the hall.
Various doors that in were virtually unnoticeable suddenly opened. Dancing girls with small baskets appeared. As Bender wheeled the wheelbarrow along The Golden Path or yellow stripe, they emptied the baskets into the wheelbarrow. As he continued he noticed that he was going slightly downhill. It wasn’t much just a little so that it was an aid instead of a hindrance. His internal gyroscope registered that he had actually gone down about a floor and a half. He noticed that there was a great big wide set of double doors. The dancing girls were now giving him a cigar and lighting it. Two danced over to him and grabbing the handles with one hand they helped him as another two girls came out and poured out champagne for him to drink. He danced with a couple of them as well as he continued on down the hallway. New clothes that made him look like an old school mafia don appeared upon him as the dancing girls continued to minister to him.
Then Bender reached the last two golden doors, with inlaid mirrors and jewels encrusted around them. The mirrors were full length so he could see himself coming toward himself. Looming larger and larger he could swear that he was bigger than life itself. (*~+)
Back on the Hunter’s Paradise planet Amy had just did what came natural to her. Everybody else of the Planet express crew had did what came naturally to them and it wouldn’t of, couldn’t of worked for the reasons already shared with you dear reader. But Amy’s natural instinct would save the day. What instinct you say? Well remember readers and fans that Amy rides a hoverboard. And one thing about riding a hoverboard, it is like skateboarding or skating. You must learn it. It is an applied skill, only coming through much trial and error. I love to roller-skate so I know about this first hand. Some of my friends were in the movie Roll Bounce. And even though I do not fall anymore and neither does Amy when she rides her overboard. But there was the time that I did, and there was the time she did. So even though Amy tripped and fell she was far from helpless.
She rolled with the fall and used it to give her momentum. Another thing about riding a hoverboard or skate board, or roller skates is that it gives you great vision for seeing opportunities, even if you only have split seconds.
So as she had tripped and was falling in the air flat out. She slapped her palms on the ground right hand first which allowed her momentum to slow to something more manageable. Then she allowed herself to roll over her right shoulder which effectively turned her backwards. She then pushed with her lower extremities to propel her against a relatively soft bush. Upon landing she drew her weapon and fired. Now her somersault maneuver wasn’t in a straight line. You’ll notice if you do what was described to you it will turn you off about 30 degrees. So when she fired it wasn’t even back down the trail as Fry and Leela were facing. (*~+)
But this was a very fortunate case as it was exactly where Mr. Sylvester Cox had his ambush set up so he could shoot the Kzin and wound Leela in the thigh. He was thinking that he could then woo her as she recovered and kill her at his leisure. This Mr. Sylvester Cox was a very cruel and cold hearted person. And while I describe myself as a SOB, it stands for Sweet Old Bob. He was an SOB that had a different more, common meaning.
The Kzin, just like Col. Kilgore the humanoid robot had said to the professor, had sniffed the plan out and had ambushed the double crossing SOB. He hadn’t gone quietly but had his survival knife out and was busy stabbing the Kzin as the feline alien clenched and mauled him. And Mr. Sylvester Cox would’ve killed Mrrrbell but Amy’s shot got him right in the back between the shoulder blades. This did knock everyone around and would’ve killed a normal human that would’ve been wrestling Mr. Sylvester Cox. But the Kzin was just injured further and couldn’t get up.
But he was conscious enough to nod at Amy when everyone gathered around him and say, “My honor has been restored with Mr. Sylvester Cox’s blood. And you guys have acquitted yourselves well. I relinquish my hunt.” Col. Kilgore had landed and came up to the gathering by this time and heard those words. “Well it looks like you are good enough to go home. I’ll transport you the rest of the way to your ship which by the way was in the opposite direction of the way Mr. Sylvester Cox had you going. My, my, he was such a stinker! He couldn’t surf either!”
Bender went through the opened double doors. The sun was blinding him as his eyes went out and back into his head as they adjusted. He could see that he was on a hill that sloped away. It had two sidewalks one that went out the city street and one that went back into the building. As his eyes finally adjusted he saw two hardnosed bureaucratic types standing there.
One of them said. “Here are our credentials we are from the D.O.O.P.---I.R.S and we are going to get the taxes that you owe. “
“How much is that?”
“Here, are 100 Nixon fun bucks, the rest is ours!” The other one said as they grabbed the wheelbarrow and went to the path back into the building.
Then Bender noticed that there was a platoon of police and soldiers just waiting for him to make the wrong move. (*~+)
“Oh well at least I can pay Fry back that can of Slurm that I owe him. It will make him trust me again so I can play some poker with him and win at least something for my efforts.” Bender said out loud and with that he turned back to the PE building.
The PE crew waved goodbye as they got into the ship to the natives. It turned out that the natives were geniuses at woodcraft. They had rescued Hermes from the heights, of the tree. He had gotten scared once he made it to the top and froze up. They also rescued Dr. Zoidburg from the waterfall. And once they were under way Fry said what all of them were thinking.
“Boy! Am I glad we are away from that planet. And I hope that Bender has some nice cold Slurm for me when we get back home!”

THE END

Robert L. Stewart Jr.
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Amy's Revenge

Post by shoerecruiter » Wed Jun 12, 2013 11:22 pm

Can't figure out how to attach the story
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c_nordlander
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Re: REVIEW: Amy's Revenge

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Jun 15, 2013 8:39 pm

How to attach files: if you look below the text window when adding a post, you'll see a tab that says "Options", and one next to it that says "Upload attachment". If you click on the latter tab, it will show a button for browsing your files, and a button next to it saying "Add the file". Choose a filename, then press the "Add the file" button.

There are quite a lot of typoes and punctuation mistakes (such as missing quotation marks at the start or end of dialogue) here. I won't list them all here, but if you want me to, I'll PM the list to you. Also, it should be "Zoidberg", not "Zoidburg".

The set-up for the main plot is simple, but makes for a pretty good story. Bender's subplot starts out a bit slow, and is pretty much unconnected to the main plot, but becomes very funny towards the end. I like how
Spoiler
is the one to save the day when everyone else fails. The very ending is a bit abrupt, but since the main threat is dealt with, I guess that's OK. This is your best story I've read so far: both plots are involving and end in a logical way.

Everyone is in character. The bad guy is a bit too unsubtly villainous, but makes for a pretty memorable villain nonetheless. Mel and the Kzin are pretty nice characters, too.

There are quite a few funny jokes and descriptions. I liked the "Apocalypse Now" references and the "Mortal Kombat" characters at the inn. Bender's adventure had some hilarious bits. Also, "Mel Crowe" is an excellent name.

The only major problem is the writing itself. For starters, you have several paragraph-long infodumps, which isn't called for in such a short story. We don't need to know what powers the guns or how exactly they are configured. You might take a sentence or two to describe the guns, but that's all that's needed, really. Similarly, you just need to say "Amy's many years of pro hoverboarding had taught her what to do if she fell" (or something along those lines); you don't need several sentences describing the skills that hoverboarding has caused her to hone. Don't get me wrong, your writing has improved a lot since your earlier stories. I never felt a lack of descriptiveness, the way I did in "Kid Play". But you need to think about keeping infodumps to the minimum of what's needed for the reader to understand the story.

Another big problem is the fact that you tell us right away that a certain character is evil, and doing that almost counteracts your stated message of the story: that you shouldn't immediately trust everyone. (I'm not very fond of stories that explicitly try to teach a lesson, but that's your choice as the author, and it's not a bad lesson.) In real life, the reason that you can't trust everyone is because it's impossible to know for sure whether they'll hurt you or not; we only have their actions to go by. Telling the reader right away that
Spoiler
is a bad dude takes away the uncertainty that is always there in real life.

Also, I don't understand why
Spoiler
at the end. We, the readers, know that he's planning to double-cross them, but the crew presumably think that he's on their side.

There are also some weird quirks in the writing that would make more sense in a script than in a prose story, for example describing the soundtrack while Bender is walking downtown, or the line "Zoidberg stared straight at the camera". What camera?

A minor nitpick: it would have been nice to have blank lines to separate the scenes on Hunter's Paradise from the ones on Earth.

Moreover, there are a lot of typoes and punctuation mistakes in this story. It's all technical stuff, it has no real bearing on the writing quality, but really, you need to fix all such problems before posting a story. It will make it easier to read, and you will get more reviews.

In short, you've improved a lot in terms of writing and comedy, but you need to watch those infodumps. B+
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Sitting with a harpoon


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