REVIEW: Morgan Proctor Takes a Vacation

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Gulliver63
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REVIEW: Morgan Proctor Takes a Vacation

Post by Gulliver63 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 7:32 pm

I know it's been ages since I've posted, but I like this little story that I did about a year ago. It features two characters from my head-canon, Morgan's supervisor Mr. Duffy and her young admin from Chicago Zelma Flaherty. No heavy life lessons here, just a humorous look at what might happen if our favorite bureaucrat was forced to take a vacation. I featured Venus as the story location, as it's never really mentioned on the show; this Venus that I feature here goes back to my games I created 20 years ago. Anyway, it's just a short little thing that hopefully can cause some chuckles...enjoy.
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Re: REVIEW: Morgan Proctor Takes a Vacation

Post by c_nordlander » Sat Aug 15, 2015 10:29 pm

Typoes and similar: "who's prize puppy" should be "whose"; you have two spaces between "Neptunian moonlight"; "if I've told you a thousand times" seems like it should be something else; in "Boy, I wish I could do my job dressed like that.' she gave a giggle.", "she" should be capitalised, since it's the start of a new sentence; it looks like you need a new line before the line "C-can I help you?"; "al least".

I like that you wrote another fic about Morgan. She feels quite in character (well, from what little we know about her character), while still coming off as sympathetic (the fics I've read where she's a good guy could be counted on the fingers of one hand). I find it easy to relate to her workaholism. This fic had her being a good guy, while still remaining a bureaucrat. The bartender made for a good character for Morgan to bounce off.

The writing is decent: none of it is bad, but some of it doesn't flow too well. On the upside, it gave me a good impression of the sun-soaked ambience of the resort, without needing long descriptions, and the description of Turrell is good and evocative.

The comedy is probably the best part. All the jokes made me at least smile, but the best ones are laugh-out-loud funny. My favourite is probably
Spoiler
On the downside, the story felt a bit thin. The plot isn't bad, but fairly simple and predictable. I was kind of expecting a twist, such as
Spoiler
That's not a flaw, though, just an absence of something more meaty. All in all, it's a nice story, giving us a bit of an unusual role for Morgan, and the setting is very attractive. My score: B

(Also, I apologise for the lateness of this review.)
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Gulliver63
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Re: REVIEW: Morgan Proctor Takes a Vacation

Post by Gulliver63 » Sun Aug 16, 2015 12:22 am

Oh, don't apologize - I've got more that three writing projects going on at the same time, plus art as well. I think the hardest thing about writing this character is trying not to turn her into a "Flanders." I'm actually in the process of basically writing most of this character's life in different short stories; I've actually got a part of it called "The Golden Years" were we see her and the other PE crew in their later years. I also just finished a rough draft where the PE gang meets up with Kang and Kodos.

What else is funny about this is that my visions of this Venus were created 20 years ago for a game module I did; the serpent people, or Ha-cho, were created for that game.
"We are today's creatures, locked in tomorrow's double feature..."
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