Impure Love Summary

[schiar88]

Hi everyone.  I am posting a summary here about my story because I didn't feel like I gave enough information about my story and it's good to know a little about a story before it is read.  Here's the summary and the first six chapters:

Reverend Lovejoy is bored and tired of his minister life and family until meeting a troubled teenage girl shakes up his boredom forever. Rated Teen for drama and age disparity.

[c_nordlander]

Just to clarify: I'm reviewing the entire story in this thread. Also, if I seem a bit critical in this review, it's intended to help you with future writing, not to show any disrespect to you or your story.

First, the good. You have some nice descriptions here, and Tim certainly has a distinctive voice. He feels quite in character, apart from some issues I'll address below. So do Helen and Jessica. In fact, it's fun to see a fic centred on the Lovejoys: can't say I've read a lot of those to date. Most of the other characters are in character as well, particularly Marge and the Flanders.

The writing is nicely legible and a good size to read, with no clunky passages that I noticed, and some nice bits of description. Some bits are quietly dramatic without piling up the drama, such as when Tim sees Tabitha in the bathroom. I'm also glad that you didn't make Helen unsympathetic, and had that nice bit where she sympathises with Tim after his losing consciousness. There are some nice jokes to lighten the mood. On the whole, for a first fanfic, it's very good (certainly superior to my first Simpsons fanfics).

There are some things you might want to look out for in future writing, however. For one thing, a lot of the narration seems like telling rather than showing. This is easy to do, and it helps to keep the story a manageable size, but it keeps the reader at a bit of a distance from the story. Give us telling details, instead of just having Tim's thoughts telling us how he is feeling (even if that's a step up from telling us outright in the narration).

There are some cases of out-of-characterness. I'm not sure Tim would have such a strong reaction to someone being an atheist, particularly since it doesn't take much to convince him otherwise. Also, Lisa's dialogue in the end feels a bit too bureaucratic. Worst of all, Apu seems to be mean mainly to create an adversary for Tabitha. On that note, Tabitha doesn't have an awful lot of characterisation. We don't learn a lot about the workings of her mind, except that she's an atheist and self-mutilator. We don't even know why she self-mutilates (and Tim doesn't even take her to get psychiatric assistance). However, I do appreciate that you didn't make her stunningly beautiful, or steal the spotlight from the canonical characters. There are a lot of appearances of the Simpsons in this story. Most of them are motivated, but still, you needn't introduce them in most scenes just because this is a Simpsons fanfic. If you choose to centre it on the Lovejoys, it could stand on its own.

There are some problems with the plotting. For one thing, it seems like the love story is introduced a bit too quickly. It could be a lot worse, but I can't help but feel that Tim should be in denial a bit longer. What is worse is that important events are rushed over. The self-mutilation gets the gravity it demands (even though it seems to be over too quickly), but

Spoiler

Tim attempting suicide and going into a coma

are far too lightly handled for such serious subjects. Particularly the first event doesn't seem to get enough gravity (though I like how you cut out before the action itself): the scene leading up to it isn't badly written, but it feels a bit too Simpsons-humorous for something so dark. Likewise, the second part seems routine. The ending feels too rushed, almost like no ending at all.

That said, this is very good for a beginner. The problems are really the kind that will disappear with more work.

My rating: B-